To wonder what makes a man beat his wife

[Fuckitbucket13]

I've just learnt a man I know beats his wife. He comes from a lovely extended close family, lovely mum & dad, good upbringing.

I'm just a bit shocked I could understand if he'd had a rough time. I'm genuinely interested what makes someone turn violent.
Is the whole happy family thing a front or can a person from a perfectly good home turn out to be bad?

I think it’s an intrinsic part of that person, no matter what their background.

My ex came from a hard working respectable family, close knit etc and yet he couldn’t see women as anywhere near being equal. His siblings treated me with more respect than he could manage.

In the end I realised the family has misogynistic views running through them when things came to a head, but ultimately it was who he is, and he couldn’t see it was not normal at all.

He doesn't fully consider her a human being. As simple as that.

Abusive men can come from any walk of life. I had a friend married to an investment banker who was regular beaten
Men who abuse women want power and control over the woman and their own lives.
Many men see the women as their "property" to do with as they please.
Alcohol and drugs are also common factors in domestic violence.
I am sure that others on here can give more informed answers

He's a women beating bullying cunt. Who'd shudder if a man got his hands on him.
I hope this poor women finds the strength to get away from this brute.

If he’s a violent man I can guarantee that his family are not as nice as you think.

I’ve never known an abuser not to have been abused themselves as children or witnessed it through their parents. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.

The exceptions are mental health conditions

Fuckitbucket13
I've just learnt a man I know beats his wife. He comes from a lovely extended close family, lovely mum & dad, good upbringing.

You didn't know that he beat his wife, how do you know what his family or upbringing are like.

One of the reasons that abusers get away with what they do are because there is no type AND they are very good at hiding what they are.

I don't think it's anything to do with misogyny.

I think these men do it because they can't control their anger but they can control the other person; usually because they're weaker than the aggressor.

I think the sex of the two people involved is irrelevant and the fact that DV is a bigger problem in lesbian relationships, then male homosexual relationships and then heterosexual relationships makes me think I'm right.

Frustration, anger, control, substance abuse...There are many reasons but not one of them is "their fault. Yeah. Right.

I think some people are born without an 'off' switch when it comes to right and wrong so they can have ok-ish childhoods and still turn out to be utterly awful because somewhere in their genetics that 'off' switch that tells them when to stop is missing. So they'll rationalise that a woman needed to be hit because she did x, y and z whereas a person with a functional 'off' switch will think "fucking hell this is a mess" and resolve it differently.

@boney I've known his family for over 25 yrs but not him so much. I know his mum, dad, aunts & uncles, all lovely people. Someone just mentioned him & it all came out.

Apparently his mum & dad know but blame his wife, of course this could be a lie I'm sure they're devastated but what can they do?

The same reasons women beat their other half.
They think they can
They have a bad temper
They like control
They know no other way of dealing with their emotions.
The list is endless but it is NEVER OK for anyone to be subjected to abuse.

Apparently his mum & dad know but blame his wife, of course this could be a lie I'm sure they're devastated but what can they do?

Surely there's your answer? Any normal, loving parents would be beyond grief knowing their adult son beat the shit out of his wife.

@quote that's what I was thinking. You think you know someone.

OP. They can’t be lovely - they blame the victim. They are hideous too.

What Idontbelieveinthemoon said. If his parents blame his victim, it's pretty easy to see how he is who he is.

I found out a few months ago my uncle hits his wife, because he did it at a family party in front of everyone. Also turns out, everyone already knew (nobody said anything, i bloody would have but i wasn't there) and he's been doing it their entire relationship of 35+ years. His daughter is very controlling and i've heard she's hit boyfriends during arguments so is just like her dad.
My cousin (not the son of said uncle) also physically and sexually abused his now ex wife. Despite his dad being a very high ranking serious crimes police officer and knowing about at least the physical abuse, he did nothing.

Both of these men were brought up in loving families, they did not live deprived lives, they were shown love, respect and had mothers, sisters, aunts, and female cousins they treated respectfully. Neither are alcoholics, or drug users, neither has any medical mental health issues. They are like this because they have chosen to be, and because the people who knew about it, didnt voice their disgust or do anything to stop it.

I've been told they blame his wife but I have no idea if this is true. If it is I'd think they were absolute scumbags!

An estimated 4.3 million women will experience domestic violence from the age of 16. Yet already, people are desperate to say "women do it too". How unsurprising.

I don't think there's any one reason or one type so I don't think it is necessarily surprising people don't know it is happening.

But I guess there's choice - a sense of entitlement that they can. Anger issues etc. And in a tiny, tiny minority of cases illness can cause violence.

Fuckitbucket13 Sat 07-Apr-18 11:29:07
I've known his family for over 25 yrs but not him so much. I know his mum, dad, aunts & uncles, all lovely people.

Apparently his mum & dad know but blame his wife

Which parts of these don't go together?

OP How are his mum and dad 'lovely people' if they blame their son's wife? That is endorsement and victim-blaming and makes them as bad as him. And, I'd bet they do know.

My ex hit me a few times - on each occasion it was as if his need to get his own way overrode all normal behavioural standards. Also, he had been systematically bullied by certain family members from childhood and was still being bullied as an adult, plus his father would hit him in a temper. None of this was done in public, only behind closed doors, or quietly in corners. I've known his family all my life and had no idea until I started dating him that this was the case.

As I’ve got older I’ve realised what Germaine Greer said is very true:

“Women have very little idea of how much men hate them.”

And yes, that’s men as a social class before anyone starts with the NAMALT shit.

'Lovely people' don't victim blame. Theyre cunts like him. Mind you stands to reason really. The apple never falls far from the tree

Domestic violence isn’t just a class or education issue - how many family annihilators are professional men who were part of their community? I know successful people where I wouldn’t be surprised if there was abuse going on - I think it’s unfortunately naive to assume because someone is outwardly nice that they can’t be an absolute arsehole in private. Perhaps if you reflect on your interactions with this individual you might see the cracks? Perhaps you could support the wife as it looks like this person has already got the support of his family.