To wonder what makes a man beat his wife

[Fuckitbucket13]

I've just learnt a man I know beats his wife. He comes from a lovely extended close family, lovely mum & dad, good upbringing.

I'm just a bit shocked I could understand if he'd had a rough time. I'm genuinely interested what makes someone turn violent.
Is the whole happy family thing a front or can a person from a perfectly good home turn out to be bad?

Albertschair perhaps the operative word there is 'reported'. It could be that women felt safer leaving and reporting same sex partners for violence.

My uncle used to beat his wife. Not often, and not badly but that's not the point, he still did it. He came from a very nice family, all 5 of his siblings are lovely, gentle people who were horrified when she called the police, and they ALL took her side and stood by her and the children throughout the divorce. His mother changed her will, so that his share would be divided between him and his ex wife.

The only thing that was different about him in their family during childhood was that he had a lifelong medical condition, which made him different. He was bullied because of his condition, which led to him "standing up for himself" and getting into a lot of fights at school. Do he learned that hitting people can solve problems, and he had a temper (the medical condition he has can sometimes cause aggression if it isn't well managed as well, and his was never well managed).

So that's what my family believe caused my uncle to hit his wife. It may or may not be the full reasons, but he wasn't able to ever explain his reasons and he died over a decade ago so we're unlikely to ever know. We do know his wife and children were much happier once he left.

As a leisure pursuit. When I was much younger there was a guy I saw at work a few times. He was at risk of homelessness, drank a bit. I noticed he had a soft spot for me and I didn’t encourage it but was nice to him. Then I overheard him say to someone how nice it would be if I was there when he got home from the pub so he could beat me. That was what he looked forward to about having a woman in his life. It opened my eyes to the men hating and using women thing.

And I also wonder how much ‘locker room talk’ about women is about violence towards them.

The vast majority of dv is fuelled by alcohol abuse. Most attacks occur when men are drunk. Often their partners\wives are drunk too and sometimes there’s a fight rather than a one way unproved attack so to speak. That’s not victim blaming btw just stating the facts. Whether that’s their “real” side being revealed I don’t know but I think it’s very important to understand that. The image of a stone cold sober controller beating his wife or partner is far more rare but of course occurs. In the same way, dv occurs most frequently across lower household incomes and lower social status.

Ourkidmolly
That is absolute crap.

The vast majority of dv is unreported.
I agree entirely with SNOTNOSE.
Simple answer, they do it be because they can and they enjoy it.
Stop saying it is alcohol related and committed by the wc.
You might as well say that middle class sober men do not rape women

Take it from me plenty of sober, professional men best their wives.

I didn’t say anything like you’ve just quoted? I am well aware that the majority is unreported. Unreported or not, the overwhelming majority occurs under the influence of alcohol. That doesn’t negate the seriousness of it, not sure why you’re implying it does. Also it does occur most frequently in lower socioeconomic environments. FACT. Why would you twist my words? If it’s going to be tackled then let’s actually deal with the reality of it. That is not a Big Little Lies or Sleeping With The Enemy Hollywood version. It’s a reality where the most vulnerable and disenfranchised women and children in our society are let down on a daily basis by the police and social services.

@Belindaabauer.

My dad was from a fairly normal background, several lovely siblings, nice parents. To the outside world he was a charming, generous, loving, hard working family man.

Behind closed doors he was a nasty, extremely violent man who beat Mum almost daily for her 'wrongdoings' - saying good morning to the postman, speaking to a neighbour on the drive etc. He would drag me and my siblings out of bed in the middle of the night to make us watch her being punished.

There were no indications of the sort of man he was. Who knows what his reasons were. But when Mum finally left after 10+ years the rest of his family cut contact with us forever so I guess they supported him - which makes his family life not nice and Normal after all.

@nokidshere
How horrendous for you all and your poor poor mum. What a psychopath. Perhaps his father was the same? We know that there is an increased chance of dv when you’ve witnessed it growing up. He may have hidden it successfully too. Has your mum managed to rebuild her life?

I can not believe a man from a loving background where there is no domestic violence could hurt his partner.
Every single male I have known who I have known to be violent towards women had violence in their childhoods

There should be no second chances, if he tries it once he will do it again so you leave the first time. If he can he will

I would say that's correct in the majority of cases but not all.
Almost 30 years ago, my partner hit me, quite badly. We had both been drinking heavily and argued.
At the time it was traumatic but it never happened again.
It was early on in our relationship and he had been suffering depression and anxiety. He is normally a calm quiet person but can anger very quickly. He was bullied as a child and tended to overreact if he felt threatened. There was never any controlling behaviour then or since. However, I would agree that in most cases there is an on going problem and its best to get out of a relationship with a man who has hit you.

This thread just brought to mind a made for TV film with Kevin Whately many years ago where he plays a headmaster who is loved by everyone at school yet comes home and systematically beats his wife
I cant find the name but know it really affected me at the time

How horrendous for you all and your poor poor mum. What a psychopath. Perhaps his father was the same? We know that there is an increased chance of dv when you’ve witnessed it growing up. He may have hidden it successfully too. Has your mum managed to rebuild her life?

Thank you. And yes she's been married to a lovely man for almost 30 yrs now.

I never saw any other signs of violence from dads side of the family but, of course, that doesn't mean it wasn't happening.

We (children) were taken into care after Mum left which was better but still not 'normal'. However, I am happy to report that all of us are in happy, loving marriages and have been for over 30yrs and none of us have experienced domestic violence, nor have we become violent ourselves (there are a lot of us) so childhood does not always have to define how you behave as adults

It was called Trip Trap

This article in yesterday’s Guardian is quite enlightening.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/07/don-greif-why-men-sexually-assault-women?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

If you don’t want to read the whole article the premise is men who abuse women have been abused themselves, lack empathy and are often punishing women for the abuse they themselves have suffered.

My EXH beat the crap out of me for years. The first time I was brave enough to have him arrested his mum called me to say she had asked for him to be bailed to her instead of making him be on remand for a few days even though I begged her to make him sit there to see he couldn't be allowed to face no consequence. She told me I would do the same when our boys grew up if needed. I wouldn't. No way. And I stand by that years later. My boys have grown into wonderful young men who haven't seen their dad in 9 yrs thankfully.
He ended up in crown court for attacking me in front of our sons. Got unanimously found not guilty as it was my word against his and he was the most charming person in the world when he put on a front. Believable when he said he wasn't guilty despite the jury being shown pictures of my glued together injuries on my face from being headbutted.
His mum finally told me after we divorced he had hit his first wife too. He is just pure evil. And yes, his parents didn't give a single shit, even when he drank a bottle of vodka when our son was 5wks old and came up to me where I was feeding him in bed and repeatedly headbutted me inches from his face.
I am rambling now but ultimately, some people are controlling evil bastards and when their parents and the justice system won't make them face up to their crimes and the abused is too scared to get away until they are desperate, they will carry on.

Name trip trap.

Was chilling

I can not believe a man from a loving background where there is no domestic violence could hurt his partner.
It happens. I don't think it's massively common, but it really does happen. Just as there are men from awful backgrounds who have known little other than abuse themselves who would never beat their partners.

I can not believe a man from a loving background where there is no domestic violence could hurt his partner.

My FIL is exactly this.

A father who loved and respected his wife. Three sons, two of whom love and respect their wives.

And him who beat two wives into prolonged hospital stays, and is now married to a woman so vulnerable she makes my heart ache.

It happens.

I can not believe a man from a loving background where there is no domestic violence could hurt his partner

Why?

My grandad beat my grandmother and his children (my mum and uncle). He beat blokes from the pub who disagreed with him and really anyone else smaller than him . He was just a violent thug. My mother never spoke to him again after her mother died and didn't attend his funeral. I have no idea about his upbringing but apparently 'he saw terrible things during the war'. My mum was reasonably sure he did some pretty terrible things too.

My other grandad was a kind and gentle man and so is my dad. My dp's dad is a kind and gentle man and raised three kind and gentle sons. My uncle was never (to my knowledge, and I think I would have known)violent to his wife or kids but he had a temper and I never really felt safe around him.

I can not believe a man from a loving background where there is no domestic violence could hurt his partner.

My father was exactly that.

My grandparents were pretty normal parents with 3 kids. They have one son and one daughter who married/lived with partners for years with no issues. Never had any issues with their kids etc. Then there's my father...

My father used the fact he was a drinker and a drug addict to excuse why he was violent (on the occasions he felt like he wanted too), but the first time he beat someone he was 14 and he beat the crap out of a kid at school that he thought was gay. He was the school bully. Apprently he wasn't regularly violent as an adult until the drugs, but he was always sadistic.

He married my mother who was weak in terms of standing up to him, and would do anything to protect herself - numerous times she'd attack one of us to divert his attention from her. He wasn't just violent, but he was cruel and nasty. One of my earliest memories is being sat around the dinner table on a long holiday weekend watching him eat dinner and not being allowed any because of something bad we'd done. I must have been around 3 or 4 years old and I already hated school holidays because my elder brother used to steal fruit or a sandwich from school and bring it home for me.

We were taken by my grandparents when I was 7 (I was the youngest). I said something in school that made my Head Teacher call my Nana. They went to the high school and spoke to my brothers and discovered the iron burn on my brother for some supposed crime and my grandparents took us. It was a bit risky as they took us on a Friday and refused to hand us back. I remember us all cowering in my grandparents house as my father battered the door. Thankfully the court agreed with my grandparents and they were allowed to keep us.

My grandad never raised his hand to my Nana. He wasn't even a shouty man. My Nana, when I was an adult, used to despair because her father was good to her mother, and my grandad's Dad died when he was a baby and his mother never remarried - so there was no male violence for him to witness.

My eldest brother has sadly gone on to 'prove' the theory that people who witness it go on to carry it out. Right down to the fact he was angry and bullying for years, then resorted to violence when that stopped working.

I don't actually believe seeing it is what makes people violent. I think it's just that some people who are the type to always believe they are right, and who have a real sense of entitlement also have no moral compass.

I’m not sure. My ex came from a normalish but emotionally unavailable family and he’s a vile animal and woman abuser.

I often think a part of the problem is people not calling others out on this sort of behaviour. He has friends who know full well what he does, yet still chooses to be friends with him and I think that makes them believe their behaviour is acceptable.

If he’s a violent man I can guarantee that his family are not as nice as you think.

I absolutely disagree with this. My brother had a fantastic upbringing with amazing parents who loved us both completely. He is bright, intelligent, funny and good looking. Unfortunately, he's also a wife beating cunt of a man that I never want to see again and nor do our parents.

He beat his pregnant ex wife so badly that she ended up barricading herself in their garden shed, while she called my dad to come and help her. Dad called the police, they both arrived at the same time. My mum and dad completely disowned him after this and have a wonderful relationship with his ex and their grandchild (as do I), they live a few doors apart and mum and dad have DN most days whiles she works.

I hate him. I absolutely hate him for what he did to his ex and to my parents. My mum will never get over it. His excuse? His ex was apparently 'so irritating' he just couldn't help himself.

One size does not fit all when it comes to domestic violence.