To wonder what makes a man beat his wife

[Fuckitbucket13]

I've just learnt a man I know beats his wife. He comes from a lovely extended close family, lovely mum & dad, good upbringing.

I'm just a bit shocked I could understand if he'd had a rough time. I'm genuinely interested what makes someone turn violent.
Is the whole happy family thing a front or can a person from a perfectly good home turn out to be bad?

In my experience, alcohol

Chocolaterainbows - leads to very complicated feelings about our mothers doesn't it?

Ourkidmolly you are perpetuating DV myths and that's so wrong.

Wc victims are more likely to report to certain agencies because they need to in order to get the resources needed to leave and support themselves and their children after leaving. Better off victims tend not to report as they can access resources to leave independently.

While my father was/is an alcoholic - he was like this BEFORE he became a drinker and it didn't only occur when he was drunk either. It was mostly jealousy motivated him (even though my mother never cheated and never would - totally in his imagination)

And PLEASE don't say "fighting" it's an aggressor attacking and a victim defending themselves.

I have quite a lot of knowledge about this . This is my experience.
The vast majority is not caused by alcohol.
In all cases non of the victims had been drinking. Some of the men did drink but were aggressive, derogatory and violent towards their wives whilst sober. The vast manority, if not all, of the abuse/attack was behind closed doors.
The women were in very long term relationships, most of them are still married to the man or were still married to him when they died.
Often violence began or escalated when the woman became pregnant.
As the men grew old or their sons became older and could intervene, the violence scaled down.
In most cases the man was generally regarded as 'a good egg' b those who were unaware of the dv. These men often being the type to get the party going, help a stranded motorist, muck in with the bbq, that sort of thing.
Non of the men have ever been punished for it, most of it going unreported.
All of the men having full time jobs, quite often in mc areas of work.

I think it's quite dangerous to assume that its mostly alcohol fuelled personally.

My father was a big drinker (eventually an alcoholic) and a drug addict. However, he was at his most dangerous when he was sober, calm and able to think about the wrongs we'd done. We much, much preferred it when he was drunk - he wasn't co-ordinated enough to be as dangerous and he slept more. At the Al-anon family group/teen group I went too that was very common. None of them men became upstanding citizens and nice husbands/fathers when they went through periods of not drinking.

I think it's more likely that violent, abusive men drink rather than drunk men become violent abusers, and I've always believed that a lot of the thinking on that was the wrong way round.

Apparently his mum & dad know but blame his wife

My violent ex's step mum became furious when I left him. She was angry as she had stayed with his Dad who was still hitting her.

OP - His family is putting on a front. He has witnessed or experienced violence and is perpetuating it. His family is not nice.

It's not an assumption and I'm not fuelling myths. These are the facts around dv. I'm not sure why you're resistant to them. It doesn't make it less serious. It doesn't mean that a teetotal man doesn't abuse. It doesn't mean that a Duke doesn't abuse. It means that the two women who die every week at the hands of their partner are most likely to be uneducated, unemployed and disconnected from society. They are most at risk and so are their children who are also far more likely to die at the hands of their mothers' partners than any mc child.
As for your assumption about wc trying to access services so the abuse being more documented, you are way off here. Those victims are the least likely to report whilst being the most likely to suffer.

There are a lot of assumptions made about DV victims in my experience. Especially with alcohol.

Most of it is unreported so the facts are based on those who did report, and the reports of those around the victims. My mother didn't report. It would be assumed by pretty much everyone that my father was a drunk abuser, but he wasn't. He was an abuser who drank. A lot of people are in that position in my experience.

That's also an attitude that I encountered a lot working in schools. There's a thought process that if you solve the alcohol issue you solve the big issue and it's just not true in so many cases.

It is assumption because so many don't report. Sadly the ones more likely to end up killed are more likely to not have the resources to leave.

Lalalalyra - thanks for that, that makes total sense to me. An abuser who also drinks. I'm the same my mother uses his alcoholism as an excuse - in complete denial that he was abusive for at least a decade before he drank! And even when he was drinking the abuse mainly occurred when he was sober! As you say same experience here, when he was drunk he was either to un-coordinated or asleep.

Ha! They know their son beats his wife, blame the wife rather than help her, and you’re saying that they are a lovely family and don’t understand why he is a wife beater!? THIS IS why he is a wife beater, because he was brought up in a family where this was ok - so it makes the question in your OP a bit pointless - you have the answer. And you are as bad as his family if you think they are nice people when they condone this.

Lalalalyra - thanks for that, that makes total sense to me. An abuser who also drinks. I'm the same my mother uses his alcoholism as an excuse - in complete denial that he was abusive for at least a decade before he drank! And even when he was drinking the abuse mainly occurred when he was sober! As you say same experience here, when he was drunk he was either to un-coordinated or asleep.

It was something a counsellor asked me when I was first pregnant. I was terrified I was going to be like him. I didn't drink at all, but I kept having nightmares that I'd somehow end up an alcoholic. She asked me if being a drinker would make me abusive, and was the first person who ever said "Was he a drunk who got abusive or was he an abuser who drank and took drugs?" and it was like a lightbulb going off!

My mother was a strange one. Sometimes she defended him by saying it was the drink, or us, or her. Sometimes she joined in, presumably in some sort of self defence (which I thought I'd understand when I was older and the day I became a mother I understood her even less!) and sometimes she started on us kids first. I've no real idea if that was to protect herself, or if she thought he'd just watch (which he did sometimes) and therefore we'd cop it less, or if she just had some evil in her as well.

Both of them drunk and asleep was the best feeling in the world. Which breaks my heart for the kids that we were - I was 7 when my grandparents took us so I'd have been really young when those memories were formed.

Also things didn't get any better when my brothers got older. My eldest brother was 16 when my grandparents took us and things had got steadily worse. Yes he, and my other brother, argued back and tried to defend themselves and us, but that didn't calm the violence. It made it twice as bad. I'm convinced if we stayed one of them would have been killed, or they'd have killed our father and ended up in prison.

Also OP - do they blame his wife? Do you know that for sure?

To the outside world my grandparents accepted/tolerated the way my father treated his wife and children (when everyone thought he was just an angry drunk who sometimes got a bit slap happy). In fact they had learned the lesson of my mother's parents - they confronted him, and in the end lost contact with us all - and said nothing so they could stay close and keep an eye on us. The first time they had absolute proof, and back up from our schools (previously we'd had a social worker who thought my 'poor' father was a troubled man doing his best with his crazy wife and demanding family) they swooped in and took us.

If they'd been openly critical of him they'd not have been able to do that.

That said they never, ever blamed my mother, or us kids. They didn't disagree with him, but they never blamed her or us.

People hit others, mostly because they like it or it makes them feel better. Because it gives them a feeling of power or strength, and an outlet for anger, resentment or just ill temper.
Because they think they are entitled. Because they think they'll get away with it.
They can come up with all the excuses they like about having had a hard life but that's rubbish. Plenty of us were knocked around as kids and don't feel the need to hand it on.

@april if you'd read my updates I said I don't know for sure they blame his wife, it's just what I've been told. I also said if they did blame his wife I'd think they were disgusting. For now i still think they're nice people as I have no reason to believe differently, hearsay is not proof. As pp have said it & does happen when people have had good upbringings.
My question was 'is it possible to come from a good family & still be a vile human being. As some have said, yes it is.

@lalala I don't know if they blame his wife it's what I've been told.

For all I know the may have tried helping but there's nothing they can do.

My ex was stone cold sober when he pinned me to the bed and smashed my face in. There was no alcohol or drugs involved in that instance so it definitely does happen. Prior to that I blamed the violence on the booze but he showed me who he was that day when all I asked was why couldn't he see his son anymore. I got given a nice broken nose and bust lip on the afternoon of a sunny Saturday.
His parents claim he was brought up normally, he claims otherwise. I wouldn't believe a damn word now though.
He really did hate me. He also used to punch and slap my chest, during one of his confessions he admitted my boobs (which tbh are the only good part of my body left) scared him.

I then realised he was actually scared of women. Especially the strong, assertive types because they threatened his pathetic masculinity.

There's also abusers who are homosexual but not acting on it thus taking their frustrations out on their partner/wife.

I think you're making a mistake in trying to talk about 1 reason for DV. Each abuser abuses for their own reasons, they are not all the same. This is why the problem is so hard to eradicate

I don’t think she is, IME (fairly extensive and perpetrator program and work based).
There is only one reason and one alone and that’s because they can.

They may have excuses they come up with but those same excuses don’t make them hit their bosses or friends

The vast majority of dv is fuelled by alcohol abuse. Most attacks occur when men are drunk. Often their partners\wives are drunk too and sometimes there’s a fight rather than a one way unproved attack so to speak. That’s not victim blaming btw just stating the facts. Whether that’s their “real” side being revealed I don’t know but I think it’s very important to understand that. The image of a stone cold sober controller beating his wife or partner is far more rare but of course occurs

This is not my experance of incidents, and I run an intervention service.

It is also not my experance that it happens more in low socioeconomic groups, what I see is far more mixed across the boards of income groups it’s just that some services will come into contact more frequently with poorer sufferers due to higher visibility and fewer options.

Often their partners\wives are drunk too and sometimes there’s a fight rather than a one way unproved attack so to speak.

DV and a fight between a drunk couple are two very, very different things. Completely.

And muddling the two helps no-one.

@NeedsAsockamnesty
Again it may not be your experience or indeed the experience in any of the anecdotal and horrendous recounts so far. It is however, a fact. I'm unsure as to whether other posters think I'm seeking to minimise the situation by stating that alcohol is a contributory factor as is a lower socioeconomic situation so I assure you that I'm not. These women and children suffer disproportionately and unfortunately are more likely to suffer from a perpetuated and escalated abusive situation. Clearly though, for whatever reason, this is not a message that posters are receptive to hearing so I'll leave this thread now.
I know how horrendous domestic violence is and my deepest sympathies to the survivors on here who've shared their stories.

@lalalalyra
I know I said I was bowing out but that's again a wilful misinterpretation. If you examine police records of domestic violence you will find that many repeated call outs to the same address involved exactly this situation.
Actually there is a muddying if the waters and to separate the two would involve an even smaller number of dv cases reaching the courts and conviction.
Definitely bowing out now.

@lalalalyra - you are correct

I was never drunk when my Ex it me.
I playfully splashed water when he was having a bath and he climbed out, chased me down and punched me.
Then, I'd just had spinal surgery and he pushed me to the floor.

No fight, no alcohol, just his uncontrollable rage.

Once I realised that I could not help him with his "mummy" issues, I was able to walk away. Never allowed this to happen ever again - but I was one of the lucky ones.

OP - but surely it’s only hearsay that he beats her, yet you have written a post where that is considered fact, but when it comes to the ‘nice family’ that you don’t want believe know about it, it’s hear say. As for saying ‘for all I know they have tried everything but can’t do anything’ - would you not expect to have noticed, if you are close to the family, that they had disowned him and called the police? That’s what I would expect a nice family to do in reasponse to a family member abusing someone who had married into the family ......unless of course they blamed the wife. People knowing and doing nothing are allowing it to happen. I would find it very hard to believe they hadn’t noticed anything.

Your original question ‘ is it possible to come from a good family and still be a vile person’ the reason I said it was a pointless question is because it seems very likely the people you are friends with are not good people, so it is likley he does not come from a good family so where is the surprise that he’s a vile person? What makes you think is family don’t know?

My exH was massively emotionally and sometimes physically abusive (think screaming insults at me for hours until I was hysterical and would have said or done anything to make him stop; sometimes accompanied by a slap, kick or punch but more often just the threat of one - shoving me or making as if he was going to hit me in order to see me cringe).

His speciality though was verbal abuse: I was too fat, too dull, he was ashamed to be seen out with me, no-one liked me etc. I look back now and can't believe I put up with it for over twenty years, but at the time I was convinced the fault was all mine. My parents were quite emotionally absent and critical so I grew up as a people pleaser and was the perfect target for him.

This was a man who was a partner in a City law firm, had a perfectly normal upbringing and was charm itself to everyone else. Everyone thought he was a lovely bloke and I believe they still do.

Only now can I see that he waged a campaign to isolate me by telling me that no-one liked me and that he ramped up the abuse after I got pregnant with my first DC (coincidentally also the time of his first affair as he tells the story).

He was not drunk or abused as a child, he was just a nasty, violent misogynistic abuser who thought he was entitled to behave like that because he was so special and deserved someone better than me.

In between the sessions of abuse he pretended it had never happened so I did too.

@ourkidmolly I know I said I was bowing out but that's again a wilful misinterpretation. If you examine police records of domestic violence you will find that many repeated call outs to the same address involved exactly this situation.
Actually there is a muddying if the waters and to separate the two would involve an even smaller number of dv cases reaching the courts and conviction.
Definitely bowing out now.

I realise you may have bowed out, but if you read what I actually said you'll see that my point is about the fact that most isn't recorded.

The majority of what is recorded involves alcohol, but that is not the same as the majority of what happens involves alcohol.

The police were never called to our house. The neighbours never intervened. The records of our injuries were never attributed to DV. Only when we went to court with our grandparents did anything get noted.

DV when alcohol is involved is loud. DV when alcohol is not involved can be quiet. No-one knows it's happening. That's my point. The only statistics my siblings and I feature in are one court incidence - there is no way my grandparents would have been given custody of us now. Yet I had 2 broken arms before age 7 caused by DV. My brother is in his late 40's and still has an iron mark on his back from it.

Couples who argue and then descend into violence is a form of DV in some cases. It's not the same as a cool, calculating abuser who does his worst when he's sober and thinking.

The statistics of DV only take into account what is reported. The majority of DV isn't reported so the statistics do not show an accurate picture.

In many cases, it’s simple cowardice. They are not brave enough to confront a man who could fight back, so they abuse women who they know are physically weaker than them.