To wonder what makes a man beat his wife

[Fuckitbucket13]

I've just learnt a man I know beats his wife. He comes from a lovely extended close family, lovely mum & dad, good upbringing.

I'm just a bit shocked I could understand if he'd had a rough time. I'm genuinely interested what makes someone turn violent.
Is the whole happy family thing a front or can a person from a perfectly good home turn out to be bad?

Domestic violence nearly always begets domestic violence, and it isn’t as obvious as people think. Verbal and emotional abuse can beget physical abuse.

My ex hit me because he said I left him no option. I remember him strangling me so hard I thought my eyes would pop while he told me that if I wasn't such a cunt he wouldn't have to do it to me. So it was effectively my fault. I hit him back one time and he smashed my head into the wall and threatened to call the police as he now had proof I was a husband beater.
When I met him I would never have thought it possible. But then I spent years being so vile to him that I turned him and that's what I got.

Because he's a cruel, uncontrolled bastard and will never change.

I'm more interested in why more men who beat their wives aren't given a good hiding by brothers and fathers.

My grandma told my mother if a man raises a hand to you, you pack and come straight home. My mother taught me the same. None of us ever experienced a violent man.

Not because we are cleverer or less likely to be taken in but because we were secure and circled by love. Wife beating men need women with nowhere else to go otherwise they can't get away with it.

The tragedy is that too many women are vulnerable and have no-one to turn to or have already been disempowered in their lives and are suitable prey for a cruel bastard.

A recent safeguarding training I went on, the trainer was a member of local safeguarding board, dealing with DV on a regular basis. She was very very clear, DV where there is a high risk of injury or death is committed by men. She was clear that to state otherwise was not at all helpful.

Anything from it raining and he didn't bring a coat to me 'showing him up' by saying something that made his friends laugh.

Apparently his mum & dad know but blame his wife, of course this could be a lie I'm sure they're devastated but what can they do?

They're not lovely people then.

The only man I ever know who hit his wife was shamed and disowned by his parents, who made it clear to his wife that she didn't deserve what he was doing and that when she was ready to leave she could call them and they'd help. They kept in touch with her and took her in a dozen times before she left for good. Once she left for good they had nothing more to do with their son.

"If he’s a violent man I can guarantee that his family are not as nice as you think. "

Domestic abusers aren't violent, as such. Many are the life and soul of any party, make out to love everyone, respected in work etc, yet have a very particular fixed opinion on how they should be in charge in a relationship and that they are entitled to do anything to ensure that they are.

I do think that it's an en extension of misogyny, in a lot of cases. Which when working with perpetrators, is the category that has zero success rate.

There are Men who shouldn't be in a relationship and were they often differ from Women perpetrators, is that no other part of their life is going wrong.

"“Women have very little idea of how much men hate them.”"
That with bells on. Which is why we have never had adequate DV laws and still, Professionals still don't follow procedures and let victims down.

HeadingForSunshine

I'm more interested in why more men who beat their wives aren't given a good hiding by brothers and fathers.

Wife beating men need women with nowhere else to go otherwise they can't get away with it

You answered your own question. those that suffer DV/DA are systematically separated from friends and family. Its insidious and a slow creep, so that no one realises what is going on, until the person feels like they have nowhere to go, no-one to turn to and are worthless and deserve all of the shit that they get.

Birdsgottafly

Its only recently that DA has been recognised as the same/similar issue to DV.

And many perpetrators of DV are the charismatic life and sole of the party.

I think you're making a mistake in trying to talk about 1 reason for DV. Each abuser abuses for their own reasons, they are not all the same. This is why the problem is so hard to eradicate.

In my previous relationship, my exp had been brought up by a strong single mother. He loved and respected her, honestly thought women should be equal and hated any show of sexism BUT she was physically violent to me because he didn't know how else to make me do what he wanted. He was like this with others, but less so because he didn't care so much about what others did.

Some abusive people are that way because it's what they learned from the relationships around them, some because they hate women, some because they are controlling, some because they are sadistic, some because they're selfish, some because they're insecure, some because they were spoiled and never told no. And there are a million more reasons.

Just as big an issue imo, and possibly a better question, is why do many people know about dv, witness it in some cases, but turn a blind eye? That is what I found the hardest - some of my exp's family knew and sympathised with me but didn't help at all, except his mum. When she found out, she kicked him out, gave him the bollocking of his life and told him if he did anything like it again, she'd report him to the police. I believe her too. She helped me leave him. She worked with my mum to keep him away - more people like her would help massively.

MentallyDividing "DV is a bigger problem in lesbian relationships, then male homosexual relationships and then heterosexual relationships"

What?? Where did you get that from? I've never heard of it! Not saying DV doesn't happen in same-sex relationships, but I would be astonished if lesbian relationships have the highest incidence.

Bloodybridget

I'll find a few links later.

Not the highest incidence but higher as a percentage.

I can help with those statistics if you like. Only 3 % of women killed in a dv incident were killed by women (11 women in total) of those 8 were killed by their mother. The people women have most to fear of in terms of staying alive are men.

Because he is weak and can not control his emotions, and feels superiority to his partner.

I've known his family for over 25 yrs but not him so much. I know his mum, dad, aunts & uncles, all lovely people. Someone just mentioned him & it all came out

They could all be violent men, how would you know? If they blame his wife then they aren't lovely people are they, so you're already wrong.

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them

I just cannot understand people still being shocked by this, listen to the lyrics of loads of r and b songs, rap songs, rock songs which seem to have stripped of the virtue signalling of love songs and listen to what men sing to us. They are telling us. We just won’t listen. Not the same as not knowing it at all.

My dad used to beat my mum because she'd answered him back or questioned him or asked him to do/not to do something. Or someone else had made him angry. Or because he didn't like his dinner. Or because it was Tuesday. Or because it was raining. He had a terrible temper, was full of rage and would take on man, woman or child, but could charm the birds out of the trees if he thought it was worth his while. He came from a horrific background, full of abuse. I don't think this excuses his actions but I do understand why he was the way he was.

Something I've found interesting is that I've met men through my life who have reminded me of him. All have been utterly charming, pleasant, friendly and welcoming and I couldn't even say what it was that prompted that recognition. But every single one of them have turned out to be violent with their wives and partners. Has anyone else experienced this?

I’d love to see some stats on that statement too mentallyDividing

Personally I think it’s about hierarchy. There are some people who believe that to have power over someone is a good thing and that physical weakness is a sign of inferiority.

Or something like that.

I assume you are looking for a better answer than 'they are a controlling cunt who views women as his property'

I do have issue with the 'peoplr abused as a child abuse' thing some people have said. I was physically abused as a child and I have never laid a finger on my children BECAUSE of that.
It does sound like his parents are cunts too though, blaming the wife? That's despicable.

Some people are just cunts.

I'm eagerly awaiting these stats from mental too. Otherwise it appears to be an attempt to NAMALT and we can't leave those poor men undefended!

He's a nasty cunt and so are his parents with their vile victim blaming

It's not a loss of control. It's an expression of rage and is exactly what they're happy doing.

If they actually lost control the woman would be dead - but no, for the most part, they'd never do that, that would be too far.

Totally agree Mogleflop - also it wouldn’t just be confined to a partner or children - it’d be work colleagues, parents, friends, other men.