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Original poster

To wonder what makes a man beat his wife

129 replies

Fuckitbucket13 · 07/04/2018 10:54

I've just learnt a man I know beats his wife. He comes from a lovely extended close family, lovely mum & dad, good upbringing.

I'm just a bit shocked I could understand if he'd had a rough time. I'm genuinely interested what makes someone turn violent.
Is the whole happy family thing a front or can a person from a perfectly good home turn out to be bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckitbucket13 · 07/04/2018 17:09

I only heard from someone else that his parents blame her, I have no idea if this is true. If it is true of course I wouldn't think they were lovely people, I'd think they were disgusting, especially as their grandchildren are growing up witnessing it.

I look at them differently now & wonder what made their son into this evil monster? Was It them or was he born that way?

The photos on Facebook of the happy, smiling family Shock

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 07/04/2018 17:34

It's not complicated.

He's a thug. A bully. A pillock. A beastly subhuman.

I wouldn't waste time considering this.

I'd spend more time on the poor women and children who live with them.

Albertschair · 07/04/2018 17:37

The 2010 cdc report ("The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2010 Findings on Victimization
by Sexual Orientation" i can't link as i have it as a pdf but Google it) does suggest that bisexual and lesbian women are at a higher risk of being a victim of dv. But gay men had lowest risk. I don't recall if the risk to bisexual women came mostly from their male or female partners

This does not then result in highest risk of murder of course where the biggest risk still comes from male partners.

tiggersneverdie · 07/04/2018 17:53

In the case of my father, it was a horiffic childhood and extreme mood swings and paranoia. To be fair he only really beat my mum once, it was mostly threats of beatings, belittling, gaslighting, put downs, swearing at us etc.

tiggersneverdie · 07/04/2018 17:55

Albertschair that is interesting. I would have thought that the rate would be higher amongst gay males than amongst lesbians. I'm not a man hater or anything, just did not expect that.

Gottagetmoving · 07/04/2018 18:13

Men who beat their partners are insecure, frightened and controlling. They can't control their anger and frustrations in everyday life so take it out on their partner but cannot accept the responsibility for their actions, so, their partner made them do it!
No one should ever accept that they deserve a beating or even ridicule because their partner is angry.
In society though, there are a lot of people who happily accept that others 'make them' angry, or annoyed or sad. They may not hit out, but they blame others for how they feel.

birdsdestiny · 07/04/2018 18:17

Whether it was their male or female partners is quite important wouldn't you say.

Albertschair · 07/04/2018 20:54

Yes birds it is. Have a read of the report and see if it says. I can't recall.

I do recall that lesbians reported a higher rate of serious physical assault by an intimate partner than straight women.

Suggesting to me that at least some of the risk to bisexual women is likely to come from female partners

waterlego6064 · 07/04/2018 23:52

My friend’s abusive husband was a highly intelligent, upper middle class, privately educated, privileged man. He knocked her out in front of their children. It later transpired that he was very heavily in debt to a cocaine dealer.

Friend says that although his upbringing was ideal on paper, in actual fact his parents, (particularly his mother) were very emotionally unavailable to him when he was growing up (boarding school from young age and over-emphasis on academia) Mother came across as an emotionless control freak, obsessed with outward appearances, while the dad appeared to be very ineffectual; wafting about in the background while the mother dealt with everything. They had three children. One appears to be doing ok; one is agoraphobic and has eating disorders; and the other is the wife-beating drug addict.

Wealthy, successful, keep-up-with-the-Joneses type parenting can sometimes hide a multitude of sins!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/04/2018 23:56

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them

Wow . So I guess the next question is WHY

I mean they clearly do in many many cases

But why ? What’s the reason

windchimesabotage · 08/04/2018 00:06

'his mum and dad know but blame his wife'

there is your answer.
There is the reason why he feels able to blame his wife for his emotions to the extent he can harm her physically. There is the reason he is able to hate her instead of facing his own problems.

In my experience these things usually do come down to family attitudes about women which are passed down.

I was physically abused in a relationship and he had witnessed his mother being physically abused by his father... and his father had witnessed his mum being hit by his dad. The lot of them blamed the women and the women did not leave.
When I left it was all painted as my fault and I was painted as selfish.

My friend was in a violent relationship and again this was massively downplayed by the mans family... we think mostly because the women in that family had all been treated like shit and just put up with it and so expected that any woman should and would also do that. The men in these families grow up with the attitude that it is not their fault and a reasonable reaction to any 'hassle' from a woman.

Gaelach · 08/04/2018 00:06

An ex slapped me across the face once. He was as shocked as I was. He had completely lost his temper and couldn't control himself. Once he came to the realization of what he had done, he switched between 'I can't believe I did that' to 'you wound me up so much you made me hit you'. A very bizarre situation.

Ivorbig1 · 08/04/2018 00:12

Because he is a cowardly low life.
And because he can. He can say, I’m sorry, I love you and he gets away with it. A punch on the nose from one of his peers would hurt so he keeps his fists for women.

UpstartCrow · 08/04/2018 00:13

We tend to assume the people around us have the same values as us and it can come as a shock to realize they don't. A surprising number of people put on the appearance of decency, but its just a mask.

Graphista · 08/04/2018 00:24

Op when I disclosed the abuse in my home to close friends I've known over 30 years (inc 2 who were next door neighbours, terraced house) they were shocked. Had no idea. It was well hidden not only by the abuser but by the victims. Do not assume you know what went on behind closed doors.

"Wife beating men need women with nowhere else to go otherwise they can't get away with it." Not always true. My mother had a loving family more than willing and able to support her and us if she'd left him. In her case the problem was at least partly that she is very much a people pleaser so was easy for him to train.

Also her father and brothers (with great difficulty) restrained themselves from battering him for fear he'd later take it out on my mother and/or us.

It's extremely frustrating and difficult for me to understand my mothers actions. While on the one hand I know she's a victim and that's complicated and I know she was mentally controlled as well as physically... On the other as a mother myself I cannot understand allowing your children to be abused too. Nor going back several times, not because he dragged her back but out of choice (and took us with her) even pushing aside my uncle who was trying to stop her taking us one time.

It's a very complicated issue.

RoseWhiteTips · 08/04/2018 00:27

How can any normal, decent person blame a victim? Ffs

Tattybear16 · 08/04/2018 00:39

For me just breathing was enough. With friends and family he was the life and soul of the party, always up for a laugh, a good guy. Behind closed doors absolute bastard. Even though my mum knows why I called it a day on our marriage, and had seen my bruises. She still asks me have I seen him and is he alright. Absolute bollocks.

Kpo58 · 08/04/2018 08:20

I always wonder if we taught values, anger management and how to resolve differences in a productive way too much schools, would the instances of DA & DV plummet?

I know that there will always be some who will do it regardless, but surely there are many who just who haven't learnt how to act towards others and control themselves.

Gottagetmoving · 08/04/2018 08:30

Women have very little idea of how much men hate them

On many threads on Mumsnet...it would appear that is reciprocated. Grin

Chocolaterainbows · 08/04/2018 08:36

Graphite

I feel exactly the same way about my mother. It has caused years of misery Sad

Chocolaterainbows · 08/04/2018 08:37

Graphista not graphite Angry

StringandGlitter · 08/04/2018 08:38

If he can control himself at work and in public then he doesn’t have “anger issues” and he doesn’t lose control. I.e. if he doesn’t beat his boss (male or female) when things don’t go his own way then he can control it. He chooses to beat his wife to get what he wants. It’s about power, control and entitlement.

The book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft explains the entitlement mindset of these people. There’s a free PDF of it on the internet. I recommend everyone reads it.

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/04/2018 08:43

Dominance thing I think, usually plagued with misogynistic views. My ex has his disguises under the phrase “I’m just very old fashioned”... but his dad wasn’t, nor is the rest of his family. His dad always provided but that’s as far as any views go regarding ‘position of a man’.
He always needed to know he was more powerful, whether it be in sex or just daily life... what I can’t answer is WHY he was like that, I really don’t have a clue. I want to blame all the weird porn he watched but honestly I have no idea.

thegreylady · 08/04/2018 08:47

I too was brought up to believe that no decent man ever raises his hand to a woman under any circumstances. There should be no second chances, if he tries it once he will do it again so you leave the first time. If he can he will.
I too have never experienced dv despite 3 marriages...divorced, widowed, surviving!

Missingstreetlife · 08/04/2018 09:02

They do it because they can get away with it