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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be a mum?

347 replies

Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 08:58

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 07/04/2018 11:51

And no, nothing to do with my childhood, another offensive suggestion

Original poster
Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 11:52

I had a very happy childhood with two loving parents. I just think some people want to be parents and some people don’t. If we were to all have children then the population would become completely out of control (it’s already pretty much at that point).

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 07/04/2018 11:53

boopsy, you are, of course, entitled to your opinion however I, on the whole, feel sorry for people who do have children

Goldenbear · 07/04/2018 11:53

To denigrate women who have chosen to be mothers by suggesting their only achievements in life in comparison to their child free peers, is to have wiped snot off their children's faces Emmeline Pankhurst

MadMags · 07/04/2018 11:53

I honestly think some people paint themselves as selfless crusaders, giving up their lives in sacrifice to their children, as if anyone else gives a shit!

The earth is massively overpopulated anyway so those of us who have sprogged are the selfish ones, really!

GrumpyPantz · 07/04/2018 11:54

I have never felt broody and never wanted a baby. In the end I did have one, mostly because DH and our parents wanted one, and DH said if I didn't want a family he'd divorce me and marry someone who did. I couldn't see what my life would be like without my husband and my home, so having a baby seemed like a lesser evil than losing everything.

During pregnancy and in the early days after birth I did feel stressed and wonder what the heck I'd done. I did feel like my life was ruined. But I also had periods of feeling worried and protective about the small person inside me, which probably had a lot to do with hormones. DD is two months old now and I adore her. Again, probably has a lot to do with biology and hormones. I suppose my point is that even if you don't want a baby now, pregnancy hormones are designed to kick in and give you the appropriate feelings.

Crowd · 07/04/2018 11:54

My best friend's life with 3 DC seems a constant drudge of ferrying them places and being skint. She has a DH too who seems overworked while she is a (bit of a lazy) SAHM.

She admits to me often she wishes she had reconsidered her life decisions.

I on the other hand just recently had a birthday and my DH surprised me with a £££ mini break. Was great. Ha 😂

MadMags · 07/04/2018 11:55

boopsy do you actually feel sympathy for people who are happy and content, just because you’ve decided they should have children?

Don’t you see how crazy that is??

Flutterbyeee · 07/04/2018 11:55

Wow - how sad to watch my activity. Spend more time with your children. Guarantee you wouldn't call me a fucker to my face.

HadronCollider · 07/04/2018 11:56

We are glad we didn't bring children into what we see as a pretty horrible world plus not contributing to overpopulation

Yeah there's this as well. Before kids if a bomb went off somewhere (IRA whatever), if we went into illegal wars, if kids starved as result of famine or warfare, if we were damaging the environment, if we were over fishing/ making species extinct - well that was all terrible, but shrugsBiscuit at the end of the day because well really, I only really had myself to think about and was accountable only to myself at the end of the day. So do what you can and then get on with it.

But now these issues cause me deep anxiety. When terroism struck London last year I feared everytime my Dcs stepped out the door.

Then there's the worry of not being around to help them should anything happen to you.

And the future of the planet keeps me up at night. I have had thd thought ghat I've been selfish bringing my children into a world were these will be their problems.

In this respect I do wish I had been more honest with myself before having kids. Frankly if you're an anxiety sufferer having children really doesn't help. Expect your anxiety to multiply x 100.

HadronCollider · 07/04/2018 11:57

the. that.Angry

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 11:58

My mother thinks that people, who don’t procreate are incredibly selfish and odd

I've known other people who think this way. I just don't understand how they can think it, surely it's the complete opposite?

I really admire people who just know they don't want kids. They are confident in their choice and not just going along with having kids because it's what 'society' expects from women.

Blackbirdblue30 · 07/04/2018 11:58

There's a lot more on mumsnet than parent stuff... relationships, feminism, style and beauty, work issues etc.
Im child free and so don't read the threads on weaning or toilet training.
I think suggesting that only parents are allowed here is a typically exclusionary attitude of someone who thinks the world revolves around them and their kids and that others are consequently lesser.

Goldenbear · 07/04/2018 11:58

Oops sorry, posted too soon....

I was going to say seems an unhelpful way to respond to the Op's question on a website named, 'Mumsnet'.

There are equally many women that have been Mother's that have had a significant impact on history, the most famous one being Emmeline Pankhurst!

HadronCollider · 07/04/2018 11:58

Crowd Fuck offGrin

MadMags · 07/04/2018 11:58

I’m sure I would, if I knew who you were in real life! Or are you well ‘ard, so I should be scared?!

Goady fucker is a term used often on here, by the way.

And I haven’t watched your activity, I remember your almost identical posts on similar threads.

You never get involved in the discussion, you harangue people for posting here if they’re not mums/parents, and then you start getting defensive and insulted because people don’t want or like children.

Now, all I’m doing is asking why that is. Are you going to answer?

Crowd · 07/04/2018 12:00

Sorry Hadron 😎

Sagethyme · 07/04/2018 12:01

OP there is nothing wrong in not wanting children. You may or may not change your mind, no one can know that. I have friends with and without children. I think the only heart break comes when a couple really want children, but are unable to have them. I don't know any couples who are unhappy with their choice but I do know of great sadness when the couple wanted a child but couldn't. I am also aware that if one partner wants a child but the other doesn't, it can put a massive stress on the realatioinship. But in your case you have both said the same, so there's no issue for the time being....if one of you changes your mind, but the other doesn't there maybe friction, but life is full of ifs and buts, so there's no point dwelling on what might or might not happen. Just be happy and confident in your current decision.

Crowd · 07/04/2018 12:01

Ps it wasn't even an "ending with an 0" bday😍

Bimbaloo · 07/04/2018 12:02

Most kids I know are lovely little humans so I don't feel sorry for their parents. I just don't envy the lifestyle.

Sometimes though you meet the odd little charmless terror and do think 'oooof, being that kid's parent must be challenging'. But then I suppose lots of parents think that of other kids too!

MadMags · 07/04/2018 12:02

@Crowd allow me to add my own fuck off! Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/04/2018 12:03

God is there STILL someone on this site who doesn't understand that this site is not exclusively for parents?? Unbelievable.

SOME people are here because they wish to be parents but aren't yet. Should they be excluded?
SOME people are here because they enjoy the discussions that occur on the boards here. YOu want rid of them too?
SOME people are here, like the OP, to ask completely pertinent questions on a site whose main (not only) focus is parenting.

Narrowminded.

Flutterbyeee · 07/04/2018 12:03

I am not sure if your question but clear on your ignorance.

Vintagebeads · 07/04/2018 12:05

I have two kids who I love dearly.But children are expensive, career suicide (in my case) and an emotional commitment like nothing else I have ever done. I do miss the carefree lifestyle I had before they came.They are a huge responsibility. They do effect your relationship with your partner and often your extended family.
I totally get people who choose it's not for them in fact I admire and respect them for it because let's face it people love to comment that they are missing something.
My sil is mid 40s no partner for a number of years and no children her best friend is the same they lead full happy lives from what I can see.

AnxiousNewUser · 07/04/2018 12:06

A close friend of mine was in tears recently because his mother told him over the Christmas period that she regretted not aborting him. I can count half a dozen other friends, former friends and family members who have also been told by their mothers (calmly and repeatedly, not in the heat of an argument) that they were a regretted mistake or should have been aborted. One former friend had been pretty much brainwashed by her mother into believing that all mothers secretly hate their children and wish they didn't exist. I don't think any of the mothers in those instances would have spoken to any third party about their regrets, so the fact that women don't tend to go round telling their friends that they regret motherhood isn't, in my opinion, a reliable measure of how many do.

Obviously, plenty of women have no regrets about becoming mothers. I certainly don't, not for a moment even in the gruelling newborn days. However, the myth that "no woman ever regrets it once her lovely baby is put into her arms" deserves challenging.