to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

And a lot of them fail dismally because they have no idea how to parent

There's also something to be said of the difference between wanting a child, and wanting to have children with a particular man. A good friend of mine never wanted children until she met a man whom she absolutely fell in love with and wanted to have children with him.

For all the joys of motherhood and the happiness children can bring; they also throw something of a grenade into life. Sleepless nights, worry, for some it means career suicide. Fundamentally it means putting your own desires aside and prioritising the child. Some women don't want to compromise on their lives in that manner and that's ok.

Not all child-free women are drinking cocktails in Paris to celebrate having just won a nobel prize in New York. Many are just quietly reading a book on a Saturday morning with a cup of tea and that to them is the height of tranquility.

Nearly 33, didn't have a traumatic childhood or abusive relationship with my parents, don't have children and have zero intention of having any. I have never felt even the slightest stirring of a maternal instinct. I don't feel anything when someone presents me with their baby or small child, literally nothing. Complete indifference.

And I know people always say "it's different when it's your own", but what if it's not? I'm not going to give into peer and societal pressure just to test the theory. Children should be loved and wanted, and if being able to admit that I DON'T want them makes me "selfish", then so be it.

Brendaifbeechouse - appaling grammar.

I don't know what mean you.

You're definitely not being unreasonable.

Parenthood isn't for everyone and there's absolutely nothing wrong, in my book, with saying "Nope, not for me, thanks". I grew up never being remotely interested in having kids but had a brief period around 30 where I was considering the idea, which co-incided with being in a relationship with someone who very much did want kids. But my feelings never went beyond 'maybe but probably not' and we split because of it. I'm happily child-free now at nearly 40, and I can't imagine that changing.

I've heard quite a few comments over the years, from the "Who will look after you when you're old?" (as if all no child ever pre-deceased their parents or became estranged or moved across the world), "You'll regret it" (even if that were the case, surely it is better to regret the lack of a child than to regret one you have?), and my personal favourite: "You won't know love until you have a child" which makes me feel sorry for the people who say that. Not only did they clearly live a life devoid of love before parenthood but they're enough of an arse to judge others on the basis of their experiences and feel entitled to share that opinion.

Don't want a kid? Don't have one. I think children are something you need to really want to do because it looks like bloody hard work. Anyone who tells you you should have kids because it's just what you do/they wish they hadn't and how dare you enjoy your life/they want grandkids/it's selfish not to is an eejit of the highest order and should be ignored.

(p.s. to the poster who asked why non-parents post on MN - aside from all the non-parent forums (I googled something and ended up in the feminist forums), have you considered that it's a good place to see the other side of the coin? I have family and friends with kids and reading stuff here from the perspectives of parents is useful.)

And Theresa May did mention that she wanted children but it wasn’t to be? I think there are those who are childfree by choice and those who are not and it’s not helpful to put them in the same category.

The context this was being discussed in was that having children was the only way of experiencing ‘true joy’ so I very much think that the childless not by choice belong in that discussion. Not least because it took an awful lot of fertility treatment to have my children and when I didn’t know if I would ever be a mother I had to listen to an awful lot trite reductive bullshit about the only way to experience real womanhood and true joy and be an entire person was reproducing.

It’s bullshit. I love my children more than anything in the world but I would not have been less of a person if I had not had them, and I would still have had stuff to contribute to society.

I hate this crap that childless women are somehow lesser or unenlightened or never truly happy. It’s just rubbish. And it’s horrendous it’s nearly always other dim women who do this to other women.

And I would bet my house that a cup of coffee with a childless woman would be more interesting and stimulating than a cup of coffee with the type of woman who thinks you can’t experience true joy without children 99 time out of 100.

@BrightYellowDaffodil Excellent post.

'The reasons why people dont want them tend to be the loss of independance and financial reasons but they are only kids for a short time and you can still do everything and more before and after. '

Actually there are many many reasons why people choose not to have children, some of them intensely personal and painful. I knew I probably would have 'coped' with having children, but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life just 'coping'. It absolutely wasn't worth it to me. That said, it turned out that I grieved the loss of a family very deeply and I was depressed about it for a long time. Some people have never wanted children and never gave the whole issue much thought, and good for them, but for some of us, the whole issue is way more complex

Mightymucks - I don't see the relevance of listing a whole load of famous women who've accomplished great things.

I was responding to a poster who said you could not experience ‘true joy’ without children and was implying the lives of childless women were sad and empty. I was just pointing out that lots of childless women have hugely full lives and have achieved a lot and, yes, experienced true joy. Having children is not the only route for women to be worthwhile people.

But you did that by making disparaging remarks about women who chose to be mothers with your comments about their empty existence,

'joyless their lives were/are because they’re not changing shitty nappies or wiping up sick at soft play on a rainy Tuesday afternoon.'

It is utter crap and isn't backed up by reality, a woman that had arguably the greatest impact on women's lives- Emily Pankhurst, was a Mother of 5!

IMO anyone who doesn't want them has for some reason ended up in a place where they are unable to access the true joy of life

You're not a very nice person are you? That true joy of life isn't doing much for your personality!

I don't agree with that post but surely it is equally unkind to talk about a mother's joyless existence, who the hell says that about people they no nothing about just lumping all Mums in to one big category of twee, hopeless cases!

Know not 'no'

She has a DH too who seems overworked while she is a (bit of a lazy) SAHM

Judgemental much?

Flutterbyeee

Are you new here? You don't have to provide DCs birth certificates to sign up you know.

goldenbear, I didn’t say that mothers didn’t achieve anything or that they had joyless lives (I am one) but it is also true that a lot of motherhood is humdrum routines and mucky tasks and tiredness and responsibilities. Not the unalloyed ‘true joy’ an earlier poster was trying to say it was.

There is an awful tendency of some mothers to present their lives as and as somehow superior to those of the childless. Yes, there are wonderful moments like first words and first steps and good exam results and discovering talents and interests. There are also times when they won’t go to fucking bed or do their bloody homework or tidy their bedroom or get dressed that are boring and frustrating. And no. Those times are not ‘true joy’ or completely fulfilling.

Anyway, as I said. It’s not a competition between childless women and women with children, all are worthwhile.

But you’re bringing your weapons into a bit of an unequal fight here. Women who have children are not (as we’ve seen on this thread) constantly questioned why they wanted children or asked if they were worried about changing their mind about having children or have their mental health questioned or told they are not a complete person or fulfilled or worthwhile. So while I’m sorry if you misunderstood you might want to consider that is the sort of thing childless women have to put up with ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME.

here is an awful tendency of some mothers to present their lives as and as somehow superior to those of the childless

And vice versa. In reality everyone is different and have varying levels of life satisfaction and happiness that have little to do with having children or not.

I'm in my early forties and don't have children through choice. I've never regretted it and although I love spending time with our nieces and nephews, and with God children and the children of friends, I'm so relieved to hand them back to their parents. They're exhausting! I knew from a young age I didn't want them and I've never had a moment of doubt. Luckily for me, DH feels exactly the same way.

Mightymucks, you did indeed say that as I quoted you above.

It surprises me that my opinion would make someone angry. Why do you care what I think?

Don't flatter yourself that you can make anyone actually angry. People are just surprised at how judgemental you are, and so wrong.

OP DH and I were exactly the same as you and your OH. We got together in our early thirties and had the children conversation soon thereafter, and decided together that it was not for us, and we preferred to be in the position where we could put each other first.

There are a lot of reasons not to, but the fundamental for me was simply that I didn't want to. No urge whatsoever. In fact, the thought of having a child made me feel really sad at how it would change my life and relationship.

Ten years on and we haven't changed our minds. I never got broody at all. Having children just doesn't feel connected to our lives in any way at all.

Practically it's been good too. Money, we don't have much left on the mortgage. A spell working abroad which, whilst do-able with children, would have been a much bigger decision. And recent ill-health on my part would have been much more stressful to cope with with small children.

I've had the odd person seem shocked or baffled at my choice. Generally no-one whose opinion I rate though. In general no-one seems that surprised, I must clearly project non-maternal very thoroughly.

Because it's a lazy cliché used to beat women (though not men) who are childfree by choice -- that their lives are joyless, and often also assumed to be materialistic. That only women with children know the Real Joy of Life etc etc.

Someone did say they were angry Repeal. I'm not sure how much feelings could be 'wrong.'