Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be a mum?

347 replies

Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 08:58

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 07/04/2018 14:49

My example is to show that people always like to feel superior in some way.

Mightymucks · 07/04/2018 14:50

They are your words that I am quoting. You said them. You wrote joyless.

Definitely not daft.

Definitely daft. Let me explain this to you slooooowly so you understand.

A poster said that childless women couldn’t experience true joy. In response, after a long list of women who were childless and achieved a lot I said they would all be incredibly interested to hear how empty, meaningless and joyless their lives were/are because they’re not changing shitty nappies or wiping up sick at soft play on a rainy Tuesday afternoon.

So what I was very clearly saying was that the women in that list didn’t have joyless lives. Not that mothers had joyless lives.

It’s very simple. If you are struggling perhaps get someone to help you read it or use a dictionary?

thefirstmrsdewinter · 07/04/2018 15:07

Op don't worry about it. You can decide not to have kids and have regrets and you can have them and have regrets. We all have regrets in life at some stage, so maybe down the road you'll occasionally shed a tear for what did or didn't happen and then you'll dry your eyes and get on with the real life that you chose and enjoy the benefits of that.

For the record I have no kids, partly due to meeting dh in late 30s and wanting to enjoy that relationship without rushing into anything. He wasn't very interested in kids (though I feel he could have been persuaded) and it turns out I wasn't either. I am emotionally and materially much better off than I used to be, I feel stable and grounded and I love my life.

I was concerned about the sudden perimenopausal change of heart you sometimes hear about but at 50 that has not happened to me. I have time to help and enjoy my mum (which she has needed during a very turbulent five years of health and other issues) and I adore my dh.

mydogisthebest · 07/04/2018 15:08

OP, it's very annoying when people make rude and nasty comments about you not having children but you can't have children just to please them.

I have had all sorts of comments made to me over the years (strangely my DH has never had any). I have been told I am not normal, not a real woman, asked why I got married if I didn't want children, told I will be lonely when I am old, told I am selfish and greedy(!).

One of my nieces is 28 and she has decided she doesn't want children. She is getting all the comments now and her MIL is giving her a lot of grief about wanting to be a grandma.

I think the most important thing is for you and your DH to be in total agreement. A previous poster says they had a child because of pressure from the husband and MIL. Not really a very good reason to have one surely?

I know 2 women who had children because their husband wanted them even though they didn't really. Both ended up divorcing and said they resented their husbands more and more as time went on

Goldenbear · 07/04/2018 15:43

Yes, as personal insults are the height of intelligence! Do you not see you're belittling mothers with those comments.

peachgreen · 07/04/2018 15:44

I always thought having a child would be the only thing that would complete me and organised my whole life around working towards that goal. It's only now that I have one that I realise I could have been just as happy and fulfilled if I hadn't had children, just in a different way. I love my daughter and when she smiles I am filled with joy - but it is no better or worse than the joy I felt when I walked through London at night with DH after seeing something amazing at the theatre.

I don't regret having my little girl but I do know now that having her was just the path I chose, not the only path - and the other ones would have been equally rich and rewarding, just in a different way.

Don't have children unless you're sure you want them. Enjoy and live your life to the full.

squarecorners · 07/04/2018 15:45

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a mum, but one might question why you hold that view and hang around on a website called Mumsnet.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/04/2018 15:46

mydogisthebest

I know 2 women who had children because their husband wanted them even though they didn't really. Both ended up divorcing and said they resented their husbands more and more as time went on

This is largely what happened to me. I had one DD from a relationship in my 20's. Met ex-h, told him from the start I didn't want to have any more children. He agreed. Suddenly, 11 years later, he decided that he did want a baby of his own. I was 41 by then. It caused a lot of problems. His answer was to sabotage contraceptives and other things (that's enough detail). I fell pregnant. Booked a termination. He told me that if I went through with it he'd leave so of course I didn't. Our gorgeous DS was born. What happened? He fucked off and left when DS was 2.5 and undergoing assessment for ASD. He'd been having an affair. He has been an absolute Grade A arsehole ever since. I love my little boy with every bone in my body, he is an absolute joy. However, I massively resent finding myself in this position at this stage of my life. I do not, for clarity, resent my son one little bit. He was born into a toxic situation and it's not his fault. He also has an absolute pathetic excuse of a "father". That's another story.

Having children should be a well thought out, joint decision that you are both 100% committed to. Of course, nobody can predict what's round the corner. However, to have a child because other people think you should or to conform with societal "norms" is a massive mistake in my view. A child deserves to be wanted and loved, if you don't want to have one, then that's absolutely fine and it's better that way in my view.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 15:46

I have been told I am not normal, not a real woman, asked why I got married if I didn't want children, told I will be lonely when I am old, told I am selfish and greedy

Shock Christ almighty, that's shocking - ignorant fools.

I had my DC late 30's. I remember in my early 30's, a new colleague asking me if I had any DCs, when I said no, she made a noise of disapproval and never really spoke to me again(she stuck with those who had DC). In that moment she had made up her mind that we could never have anything in common. I seen it on her face - the disappointment, the judgement.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 15:47

If one was going to question that, one would only have to look at the many, many, many responses to that question over several threads, to get one’s answer.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/04/2018 15:47

goldenbear - you're taking Mightymuck's quote out of context, which was her replying, sarcastically, to Spaghetti's comment about childless women being unable to experience true joy.
Mightymucks is right - you are not reading her posts correctly.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 15:48

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a mum, but one might question why you hold that view and hang around on a website called Mumsnet

This has already been addressed in the thread.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 15:48

@Goldenbear you’ve taken Mighty up completely wrong.

Original poster
Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 15:49

@squarecorners FGS not another one rolls eyes. There has already been someone else spouting off that sort of bollocks on this thread and been shot down by pretty much every other poster.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 15:50

@goldenbear you have misunderstood Mighty’s post and she wasn’t being offensive to other mums. she was being sarcastic towards spaghetti’s vile posts

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 07/04/2018 15:50

Bloody hell squarecorners are you related to Flutterbyeee? There is a whole lot more to MN than parenting and that is certainly true since the site has evolved. There are very many non-parents on here. What on earth is wrong with that? As I said upthread, I use this site largely for anything BUT parenting.

Thursdaydreaming · 07/04/2018 15:52

I don't think it's possible to live a life without any regrets, or at least occasionally wondering what might have been in a different life. Different career, having or not having kids, where you've lived, lifestyle choices. We can't do it all. We can't even do 0.01% of it all. So you can base your life choices on "will I feel any regret" because the answer is that you will no matter what you decide. We have to just make the best decision at the time and make peace with it.

And I find it so weird when people on this forum say that people never regret having kids, did they just join mumsnet yesterday? Even if you ve never heard anyone admit it in real life, this forum is one place you hear it all the time! Threads start weekly and sometimes daily on that topic! Search this sites for "I regret having children" and you will get a hundred threads.

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 15:53

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a mum, but one might question why you hold that view and hang around on a website called Mumsnet

One might if one were specatacularly dim of wit.

ScreamingValenta · 07/04/2018 15:53

squarecorners 80% of the currently active threads are not directly related to parenting, pregnancy or conception.

squarecorners · 07/04/2018 15:54

Yeah there is a lot on this website but I'm not going to be bookmarking beekeeping monthly for their handy parenting tips when I have no interest in beekeeping.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/04/2018 15:56

I think squarecorners IS Flutterbyeee Hmm

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 15:56

And I find it so weird when people on this forum say that people never regret having kids

I agree, of course some people regret having kids. I know someone in RL who has said she regrets having kids...she's currently pregnant again with her 3rd, her new DPs baby. No-one has got the balls to ask her what she was thinking, we can only assume it's because he didn't have any DCs and maybe she felt pressure from him???

ScreamingValenta · 07/04/2018 15:57

I'm not going to be bookmarking beekeeping monthly for their handy parenting tips when I have no interest in beekeeping

But, in all seriousness, why wouldn't you if you found a thread on there that was relevant to your life?

squarecorners · 07/04/2018 15:58

@TheFormidableMrsC any real indication of that? I think you're lord lucan, prove you're not.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/04/2018 16:03

squarecorners only that the "other" poster quoted exactly the same line except used "tennis" not "beekeeping".

I would think it makes no material difference to your life who posts here, whether they are male/female/gay/straight/bi/trans/anything else. Everybody is entitled to seek support or opinions from wherever they see fit. The OP is clearly very welcome here, despite committing the cardinal sin of not being a parent.