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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be a mum?

347 replies

Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 08:58

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 16:05

I think squarecorners IS Flutterbyeee

For sure Grin

UmmKultum · 07/04/2018 16:05

I have a friend who was child free. In her 50s, she and her husband adopted (not officially but good as) a homeless teen single mum and became an instant grandmother! Many ways to skin a cat if the maternal urge hits later.

Wishiwasonholiday1 · 07/04/2018 16:11

I would only have children if you really, really want them. I have two and I always knew I wanted children. I love them to death but it is exhausting and not something I would recommend to anyone who didn't feel like they wanted them.
If you're still in your early thirties then you've got time to change you're mind and you don't have to decide now, but I know plenty of people who have not regretted not having children.

Customerunserviced · 07/04/2018 17:53

"Like getting a tattoo on your face; you've got to be committed." Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love.

user838383 · 07/04/2018 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SerenDippitty · 07/04/2018 18:28

Yes we childless women may as well face up to it, there is nothing we can do that compares with having a fucking baby and our lives are shallow and worthless.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 18:28

The attitude that we’re supposed to have babies is damaging. To the environment and to the people who are made to feel like failures because they can’t.

onemorecakeplease · 07/04/2018 18:50

I love my children. But given the choice again I’m not sure I would...

MarthaArthur · 07/04/2018 19:00

Get 101 dalmations instead.

MarthaArthur · 07/04/2018 19:04

I actually came on mumsnet looking for advice for sperm donors etc and now im not even sure how i feel about kids. But yeah i am increasingly sick to death of family and friends telling me i cant have opinions on stuff because i have no children. I just cant understand real love blah blah blah as if my life as an individual is pointless.

HeedMove · 07/04/2018 19:08

We had kids very young. First I fell pregnant unplanned at 18. Now early thirties and lots of our friends don't want kids and won't have them. There's literally only three other couples who do. The rest don't want any.

To be honest if I hadn't fell pregnant unplanned the first time and had got to this age I'm not sure I would be having them either.

Their lives are really good. Great careers as they have worked continuously working their way up with no maternity leave. Lovely TIDY houses as no kids and more disposable income to spend on the house. Multiple holidays and weekend away each year. Yeah it's definitely NOT something I find strange at all to not want kids. They aren't the be all and end all.

yummyeclair · 07/04/2018 19:13

Hi OP , all horses for courses and varying shades of grey. I think as long as are true to yourself you will have no regrets. Parenting and having children are not easy to compare as with all relationships lot's of ups an downs. Also there are lots of other ways to have children in your life e.g. godchildren, being an aunt, sponsoring a child abroad or volunteering - just do what makes you happy!

SpringNowPlease2018 · 07/04/2018 19:31

OP "With my illness bad sleep flares my symptoms up so I think even if I did really want a baby i’d end up having a very hard time of it with the broken sleep. My OH doesn’t want one as he’s had such a stressful life to date and he just wants some peace and quiet for the rest of it. He’s also very into environmental issues etc and he doesn’t want to add to the population"

There's all your answers.

KevinTheYuccaPlant · 07/04/2018 20:53

I've known I didn't want children for most of my life. I'm now in my early 40s, perimenopausal, and haven't regretted my decision not to have them for a single second. DH feels exactly the same way, fortunately.

HesterShaw · 07/04/2018 22:12

having babies is basically what we are supposed to do like all mammals

Quite aside from the common sense argument, do you realise how fucking insulting that is to the people who can't have children? You are basically telling them that they are faulty goods and pointless. Don't just deny it - actually think what you're saying through to its logical conclusion.

Anyway, why limit your shitty point to mammals? Surely you mean amphibians, reptiles, fungi, flowering plants etc as well.

NotACleverName · 07/04/2018 22:18

as having babies is basically what we are supposed to do like all mammals

Some mammals eat their young, so....

squoosh · 07/04/2018 22:19

'Having babies is what we're supposed to do' is like saying 'dying of smallpox' what we're supposed to do. Times change and thanks to medical advances we now have a choice not to procreate or not to die of a curable illness.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/04/2018 22:23

I picked up on that too. For a moment I thought MN had fallen into The Handmaid's Tale.

Redglitter · 07/04/2018 22:34

I have 2 nieces who I adore. I love them so much and spend as much time as I can with them. I'm apparently a brilliant Auntie.

Saying that I have never wanted children. I have never once regretted that decision and now as I'm fast approaching menopausal age that hasn't changed.

Everyone is different there's no right or wrong way. Some people want children some don't. No one should be criticised for the choice they make

frutti · 07/04/2018 22:35

I always knew I wanted dc. 3 in fact. Now I’ve got one ahhhh my god. I often think of all the things I could do if I hadn’t had her. But... literally in the last 5 years I’ve sat and cried about whyyyy I had my dd because I’ve found it so so hard. But now, now that she’s becoming an actual person who I can have a conversation with. I’m so so glad I have her. I am soooo happy when I watch her sleep and I’ve basically turned into a walking cliche of a mum Blush

Saying that my best friend who I’ve known all my life said she doesn’t want kids and I always say to her there’s so much in life to do now if you don’t have dc don’t rush into anything. You can have an amazing life with or without them. Only you can decide which routes right for you though.

Lottapianos · 07/04/2018 22:37

'Quite aside from the common sense argument, do you realise how fucking insulting that is to the people who can't have children?'

The answer, for the very hard of thinking (who are out in force today), is VERY FUCKING INSULTING by the way Angry

Mightymucks · 08/04/2018 02:47

Yes, as personal insults are the height of intelligence! Do you not see you're belittling mothers with those comments.

No I think you’re belittling mother’s by showing some of them are spectacularly dumb. You appear to be the only person on this thread who can’t understand the comment.

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/04/2018 03:07

Like other posters have said, don't have children just because you are worried you might regret it in the future. I think you should just do what is right for you both in the here and now. If you do regret it in the future, that will be based on an idea of what you think it would be like, but it would probably have been very different if you were not having them for the right reasons.

It's a very personal choice. I no longer have any contact with my parents, I know lots of people who don't so there is no guarantee of having a big happy family once you are older and your kids have grown up. Saying that, I hope I am giving my kids a lovely life and that they will still want to spend time with us when they have grown up, left home and have their own lives.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/04/2018 03:55

Have a browse through the thread below, it makes for some quite pertinent reading on this issue:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2731884-I-hate-having-kids?pg=1

N3wTrouserz · 08/04/2018 04:36

Women are lucky that we now have a choice. It was only a couple of generations ago, that families had 10+ children and not all of them survived. [Not taking into account, people who cannot have children for medical reasons}. My point is that it is your choice, your responsibility whether to have children, it is a life changing decision.