SAHM who are to busy too work??

[donners312]

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

The decision isn’t easy and making SAHM feel bad about it is crap
Of course the decision isn't easy but that's the point, we make decisions that we need to abide by. If we think they are wrong or avoidable, it is in our gift to consider making a different one.

My kids are now 18 and 15 so I have looked back and question whether being a working FT single parent, which meant my kids were in childcare from 8 to 6, and then mainly had to cope with a constantly tired mum the best thing for them.

All in all, if I would say that it was the best decision for my DD maybe not for my DS. DD is naturally full of energy, very sociable, in constant need to stimulation and very independent. She genuinely loved being in -excellent- childcare for many years and did say that she wouldn't have wanted things differently.

DS said the same but sometimes I wonder. He is much more introverted and I think he could have benefited from more and better quality 1-1 with me. At the same time, I think going to childcare has helped him build his confidence being around other people and indeed, makes friends very easily.

I have a number of good friends who are SAHM and I don't judge them in anyway. As said, if I could have afforded the lifestyle I'd aspired to without working, I'm sure I would have done it myself.

What I think annoys me is that helpless and abnegating attitude that some SAHM take, that they put their needs aside for the better of their family, so that their kids could have a better upbringing and their husband a better work life, and make it sound that if they'd been selfish, they would have a wonderful fulfilling job instead. It might be the case of a some, but almost all SAHM I know don't have much qualifications and were not on a career path before they got pregnant.

I much prefer to hear a SAHM saying that she did well picking a career minded husband happy for her to be a SAHM meaning that she never had to consider working, then hearing another one going on about how she would now be at the top of her career earning a fortune if it wasn't for her dedication to her family.

I do agree there is a percentage of both men and women who just don't want to work. I can't understand it myself, but Those folks certainly do exist. However many people do have very valid reasons they can't work and I think it's fair enough if they want to have a whinge.

However if it's a case of you could work and just don't fancy it and would rather not, then I'd agree with the op, don't whinge that the person who is paying for you isn't giving you more.

I'm a stay at home mum to three and I'd love to work but 10 years out of the working world and wanting only part time and term time work makes me somewhat unwanted. Who knew ?

It makes you unwanted because that's what everyone wants! The difference is that if you can't get that, you'd rather not work at all whereas others who can't get that either prefer to work in not such perfect circumstances, or don't have a choice but to do so.

I don’t think op is saying anything like what all these crazed rantings are accusing her of. It seems to me that what she is saying if you make the decision to be a sahp and for your partner to work, you can’t really complain because he doesn’t earn as much as you like. It’s a joint decision.

Op mentioned she is a single parent (as am I). For all those up thread with their damning criticism of how op just doesn’t understand how you can work and have children - how do you think single parents manage? It’s very difficult but it is certainly possible.

I think work if you want don’t if you don’t (and obviously can afford it). But I think the attitude that I don’t work but can complain that my husband doesn’t earn enough and finances are not my responsibility is weird. Women should stop infantilising themselves like that.

As @MiaowTheCat said

What about turning it around. Yes a sahp gets a nice life once dc are at school if they have a partner who can support the family in their obviously super stressful job.
However it is pretty mutual. Dh get a a pretty good life too. Comes home from work and doesn't have to cook a meal or do all the after school club runs. He never has to put kids to bed or do night waking. Or put a wash on or do housework If I worked more hours (I work a couple of paid hours week) he would have to do 50/50 right?

I for one am really surprised the op know so many ssh mood Hoover's.

Sah mood Hoover's

Moonandstars84

I think this is an excellent point - and I am sure that occasionally the working parent might moan to their friends about the house being a bit untidy one day or washing not being done/unruly children. Because people do like a bit of a moan now and then! Agree with your additional comment too.

I don’t really care about sahp v wohp. It seems like a silly debate to me.

I have a live in housekeeper who does basic household tasks and childcare. I pay her but her job it’s not the same as my job which is pretty stressful and I suppose requires a high level of education. So I pay my housekeeper fairly but I wouldn’t give her half my stuff cos she puts a wash on. Cos really it would not be worth it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a sahp. But pretending that somehow that is why a high earning partner (usually a husband) is high earning just isn’t true. Help could be bought in and many high earning men are married to high earning working mothers. Just because you do the house work or put the dinner on doesn’t mean your husband can suddenly become a hedge fund manager.

But anyway what I am complaining about is women who infantilise themselves (I don’t know about mortgages, my husband deals with all that, and so on). Then if they’re not getting what they want it’s all his fault. It’s 2018, some people need to grow up.

Take responsibility for your finances at least I would say.

I was lucky enough to be a stay at home Mum till my husband was made redundant. I had to pull up my big girls pants and go and get a job . We managed dad was just as good as Mum!

zsazsajuju of course "help" can be brought in. The point is, some mothers and fathers, where financially possible, prefer to look after their DC themselves, and not "contract out" care of their children. And that is just as much a valid choice.

‘I have a live in housekeeper who does basic household tasks and childcare. I pay her but her job it’s not the same as my job which is pretty stressful and I suppose requires a high level of education’

Yeah of course some people prefer to stay at home to look after their kids and they can afford to or at least they have decided they can. And why not, that’s their Choice. And no one at all disagrees with that (and how could such a thing be disagreed with - adults can make such choices, it’s up to them)

Doesn’t mean they can act like a child and avoid all responsibility for finances tho. Nor is their contribution so valuable that their husband will suddenly become a hedge fund manager or the prime minister when he previously was a teacher. It just doesn’t work like that.

Not sure the confusion as to my job and my housekeepers job not being the same. They’re not. I couldn’t manage without her but I don’t pay her half my assets. Financially, her contribution is not equal to that. It is of course my choice to work and have a housekeeper although I do share the frustration of trying to find work that works around childcare. I would like to spend more time with my dcs but it’s difficult to balance everything and to find such work in my field.

Also the reference to “contracting out” my childcare. That’s my choice to some degree but I am a single parent with no financial support coming from ex. It’s work and contract out childcare or don’t work. Not a totally free choice as obviously we need to eat, pay bills, etc. But we all make our choices and have to either live with them or change them.

I’ve been a SAHM for about 10 years - looked into going back recently - I used to be a Doctor. And it’s very difficult. Won’t go into detail - but GMC doesn’t seem to have a structured path back for Drs who’ve taken time out eg to be a SAHM. Instead it’s all very vague and no guarantee you will be able to practice again.

Two of our kids have additional needs - hence the SAHM years. I would like to go back part-time, and goodness knows, they seem to need Drs. I am busy at home, but a bit bored too.

This may be off topic- but it’s really towarn any DRs thinking of taking time out.

That's why I very carefully said in my post "where financially possible".

I don't know why you are linking sahms with somehow being financially illiterate and avoiding taking responsibility for their financial choices?

Very few people get to make totally free choices. We are all trying to make the best of the unique unique set of circumstances we are presented with. No reason therefore for wohm to belittle sahms or vice versa.

Picasso that is nuts, especially given the shortage of GPS ATM. You'd think they would have sorted out a structured way in which doctors who have taken time out to have DC, can find their way back to training/back on their career path, years ago. How depressing.

I'm very lucky my work was very flexible to accommodate my days and hours after maternity. It was my choice to go back to work, I could've been a SAHM but I've always worked, I've never not worked since 17 years old and I like bringing some income in as well as my DH. It works out for us all as my DH takes care of our DS when I work and when he works, I take care of our DS. I don't slate SAHMs. Sometimes they cannot help it! If they're single mums and have problems with childcare, it will almost be impossible for them to work. It doesn't mean it's fine to scrounge benefits to fund for their fake nails, hair extensions and the latest iPhone though!

Having a sahp doesn't mean you can become a hedge fund manager if you were previously a window cleaner, but it does mean that you can persue whatever career you have with a lot more freedom and a lot less stress than if you were trying to balance your 50% of childcare responsibilities with career building! Yes it is possible to do it without having a sahp but it is undeniably harder. It isn't a crime to say that having a sahp makes life a lot easier for both parties and that the wohp does benefit.

Very high earners can buy in childcare and cleaners but few households have so much money that they could buy a big enough house to provide the room necessary for a nanny, pay her wages, provide her with a car etc. That's what you need, if you have the kind of job which requires travel/unsocial hours and you still want to cover your 50% of child care responsibility. What is more likely to happen is that in households where both parents work and one has a career without standard office hours, is that one parent (probably the mother) ends up doing her ft job and more than their share of domestic work. Even when they pay for a cleaner.

I see the choice to sah as a straightforward trade - as a family we choose to have less money than if I worked, but easier lives/more time. A house where there are 2 wohp exchange that extra time etc for more money. Neither is wrong and neither is intrinsically better than the other.

I think single parents are irrelevant to this kind of discussion because there is no choice for them. Their lives are harder and the only thing that would improve it is if the state forced nrp to pay proper child support including childcare costs if they are unwilling to do their 50%.

‘I don't know why you are linking sahms with somehow being financially illiterate and avoiding taking responsibility for their financial choices? ’

Exactly where the confusion came from on pp’s posts

I’ve been a sahm it was our choice. Putting 3 dc into childcare wasn’t a financial option to us anyway.
Of course I was thankful I have a great dh who was willing and able to support us but I wasn’t a bloody servant on my knees worshipping his money
He was also thankful to have a wife who was willing to give up her career possibilities to stay at home with our children.
I still would have liked a new car or a new kitchen but me going to work and paying for childcare certainly wouldn’t have enabled us to get those things.

I’m not in any way linking sahms with being financially illiterate. I didn’t say that anywhere at all.

I am saying women who pass over all financial responsibility to their husband or partner as if they were children and he was their dad annoy me. So I am moaning about them on an Internet forum.