SAHM who are to busy too work??

[donners312]

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

Fluffy, you're approaching it as your sole responsibility to cover all childcare costs with your income though. If you have a partner that works as well you pool these costs, you pool responsibilities. My husband has had a new promotion and is an associate director at an Architects practice and there are expectations on him to liaise with clients after working hours to bring in work, to be away for site visits and planning meetings, it would be easier for me to be at home but I have said to him that he has to be leading change and change the culture and has a responsibility to his daughter to do this, so her life in the future is much more equal and she doesn't feel she has to facilitate a man's life, if that's the route she chooses to go down of course.

MorningsEleven
But as you say, you home educate. So you're not in the situation ghe OP finds frustrating.

So many people on this thread seem to have taken 'SAHP who COULD work but don't and sit and complain about all the things they want' to mean here is my situation which is clearly different to what the OP is talking about. Are you saying I should never complain.

I should add that he doesn't want me to be a SAHM anyway as I did so in total for 8 years. I would say it was definitely something I wanted up until about 4 as it worked out to be financially more viable as well but I started to resent the fact that I felt more and more like a housekeeper and was lonely. My DH didn't expect me to be doing chores all the time but I feel I'm more appreciated by the family now I work, as all these things I did whilst everyone was at nursery, school, work are now not done. They have to be done by everybody.

It really irritates me to think sahm parents of school aged children feel the need to moan about not having time. Working parents still need to clean, tidy and cook.

In fairness, a SAHP of school aged children could still have quite a lot more of those things to do than a WOHP. Children being in the house more creates more mess, more need to clean and tidy and potentially more meal prep given that many children in childcare will be fed all meals there that day.

Granted, the SAHP of school aged children is likely to have a lot more time to do that extra cleaning, tidying and cooking in!

Maisy I do get what she's saying, but we all have folk in our life who like to have a moan, I reckon most people do at some time or another. I know someone who moans that the house their parents bought for them is inadequate, someone who moans about what her parents feed her kids/activities they do with them whilst doing 4 days a week free child care, someone who has moaned about his 'shit job' for the last 5 years. Friends don't mind sitting through the odd grumble.
Less than one in ten parents SAH and I imagine only a very small percentage of them don't return to work when their dc start school. Op school seems to have befriended several of these who also hate their husbands and resent the amount money they make and would leave but for the money and refuse to work. Forgive me for thinking that it might just be a thinly veiled dig at SAHMS.

You can't make the disclaimer that you are only referring to women who really can't work. You can't know that every single woman has back up childcare in case her child is sick and can't go to school and satisfactory and affordable before and after school care available to them.

Also, why can't women moan about their lives to their friends?

Would it really be less irritating if they went on about how blessed they were and all the lovely things they have?

I'm a SAHM and thanks to twins I've 3 under 4. I work far harder than I ever did in my paid role. I'm permanently knackered but also happy. Once they've all started school I'll have more time for myself.
You can't say SAHMs aren't allowed to moan because their problems would all be solved if they got a job. A working mum's problems would all be solved if she got herself a better paying job, does that mean she can't complain about her old car etc? It's nonsense!
I do know how Mumsnet likes to rehash the working vs not argument every week or so though....

Exactly and its the same as people moaning that work (when it’s their choice to work.) For example they make the same amount working as they would if stayed at home because what they make pays for child care meaning they break even. That’s no different. Also some people have multiple small dc and would have to pay child care 2-3 times over meaning they’d make less working. Why are they not allowed to have a moan? This thread is ridiculous

‘Would it really be less irritating if they went on about how blessed they were and all the lovely things they have?’

Who are you talking about? Most women stay at home because they can’t afford to work as will be in deficit working if have multiple dc to pay child care for or break even at best even with just 1 child. Some SAHM’s might love to work. Being at home all of the time isn’t the luxury some make it out to be unless the woman really wants to be there. Until you’ve walked a mile in somebody else’s shoes you should never judge...

Everyone moans about something from time to time, don't they? Even if it's the weather.

For most women who have been SAH for some years (ie not just the pre-school years), its never as simple as returning to work = higher family income. Returning to work means the family will incur other costs - e.g. after school care. Not to mention more stress all round. The DH may have to curtail his working hours and what's the point in that if he earns many multiples of what the wife would earn?

Most SAHMs I know were professional women pre- DC, but you don't just pick up where you left off after ten years. Nor would your DH expect you to. There seems little point returning to work if your income would be negligible in the context of the family finances as a whole.

Yes. Every time I hear about a man resentful because his wife doesn't immediately return to work when the kids start school, I want to scream, "She can't just take five or more years out and walk back into the workplace where she left off! And if she did, what are you prepared to do with regard to school runs and wraparound childcare? Because 99% of the time, what you want is for her to boing back and forth between staying at home and working as it suits you, with no regard for how she might actually do this and no intention of upping your own domestic contribution! You just want her to do whatever makes your life easiest, with no thought for how that might actually work or not work in practise!"

Drives me nuts.

Yes Yorick, that's exactly it. Many of my friends were lawyers, psychologists, accountants etc, but left work in their early 30s to have several kids. Suddenly you're in your 40s. Your DHs earnings have multiplied and your family's lifestyle has adjusted accordingly. Are you really going to get a job in Starbucks or something? No you are not because there's no point. You need to reinvent yourself if you're going to get back into the career game, but that takes time, energy and money. Plus people are used to having you around and you may well feel "too busy" because your life has filled out in other ways.

I think this is a very arseholey thread, and OP isn't addressing what most people who disagree with her are saying. There is a twisted implication here that a SAHP HAS to be grateful and is unable to have ANY complaints. Who is someone supposed to bitch to if not her friends!? If one day Jane wants to have a bitch about not getting a new kitchen, just fucking let her. She isn't a second class citizen. As one PP said - would you prefer that she just goes on and on about how fantastic her life is!? I find it hard to believe that 6 of your friends are just total bitches whose husbands break their back all day but it's not good enough. You sound very resentful and jealous. A SAHP and working parent usually SHARE their finances btw, it's not like "man earns this so woman you have no say". Jesus christ.

I am judging you for your misuse of to and too. Gets right on my wick.

It is for many a matter of choice as to whether they become a SAHM. By staying at home a mother or father makes has made on most cases a conscious decision, which of course is their concern as a family unit and no one else's. What is rather interesting is when some of those who make this decision explain how important the role is and the sacrifice made whilst at the same time complaining about the lack of money etc. A recent comment I heard was a parent who stayed at home complaining about how unfair the advertising of Disneyland Paris was as it was beyond the families income whilst at the same time explaining about how children with SAHM benefited and why that was a the best way of bringing up childen. Similarly I have heared working parents who had a choice talk of he advantages the additional money can bring whist complaining that it's unfair they don't have the time to spend with their child. The point is it's the families own business what they do but sadly most people can't have it both ways.

i think even with school age children, SAHMs can justify being at home. I think it is probably once the children have left home that a job becomes an important focus. I have seen posts on here from older women who suffer from depression because they have little in their lives. Work is important for self worth.
Things will have to change (and are changing) if gender equality goals are to move forward and women are to be rewarded for their important role in the work place. It is not all about money but also about being independent in their own right.

If somebody is insecure, jealous, frustrated etc in their current situation/position there is a tendency for them to criticise others to justify their own position!

Yesterday 16:29 PoorYorick

Yes. Every time I hear about a man resentful because his wife doesn't immediately return to work when the kids start school, I want to scream, "She can't just take five or more years out and walk back into the workplace where she left off! And if she did, what are you prepared to do with regard to school runs and wraparound childcare? Because 99% of the time, what you want is for her to boing back and forth between staying at home and working as it suits you, with no regard for how she might actually do this and no intention of upping your own domestic contribution! You just want her to do whatever makes your life easiest, with no thought for how that might actually work or not work in practise!"

Drives me nuts.

This. I don’t know how many people have asked me what I’m doing in September when my youngest starts school. They must presume that by freeing up the hours 9:30-3 in the school term, that somehow I’m going to get a high flying career. Maybe my husband will move back to England to work and my mum will move back from the US and be one of those enviable grandparents who does all the school runs and wrap around child care, just because youngest is now at school? Doubt it!
If anyone on here knows of any jobs going that will allow me to get the kids to and from school, every school holiday off and let me attend stay and play for 2 hours once a month and see nativity plays, etc, please share. Oh and don’t forget that the first 3 weeks in school, youngest will only be half day and this will alternate between mornings and afternoons. It’s so much harder than people realise when you have no support system, it really is.

I agree Ansumpasty.

We moved abroad when I was about to go back to work after my first. Now have 2 and I would love to work but have been out of the marketplace for over 10years - I live abroad where children come home every day for lunch and have long holidays. I could try to find work but have no support and since DHs salary has increased (we used to be similar ish) i would have to be the one that came home if kids were ill etc.

I think as women we should be more supportive of everyone as there is no totally right way - only the way that works for your family at that point in time

If anyone on here knows of any jobs going that will allow me to get the kids to and from school, every school holiday off and let me attend stay and play for 2 hours once a month and see nativity plays, etc, please share.
Do you know there are thousands of single mums, with no help at all from the ex or family who do manage to work FT with children in primary schools? Of course, it's not a case of applying to one perfect job and getting it, but with dedication, it's very possible to get there.

I think the main issue is that working does have to come with sacrifices and many SAHM don't want to make them. I totally understand this. Personally, I was and still am envious of SAHM, especially those of well off husband who work hard, usually under stressful conditions, so that they can have a nice life. I think most mums who work are deep inside envious.

However, listening to these mums going on about how they possibly couldn't work or worse, that they still have it hard because they've got to do the cooking, cleaning etc... does tend to get a not so sympathetic response. What a luxury it must be to have the whole day to do this when most FT working mums have to do exactly the same in the few hours of the morning and evenings.

Same here. Moved abroad. Husband constantly travelling, often at short notice. School holidays = nineteen weeks holiday a year (inc Wed afternoons). Need three languages to get a job behind a cash till. Punitive tax system. Not an easy situation yet people judge you as lazy and "not wanting to work". Nothing could be further from the truth.

If anyone on here knows of any jobs going that will allow me to get the kids to and from school, every school holiday off and let me attend stay and play for 2 hours once a month and see nativity plays, etc, please share.
Do you know there are thousands of single mums, with no help at all from the ex or family who do manage to work FT with children in primary schools? Of course, it's not a case of applying to one perfect job and getting it, but with dedication, it's very possible to get there.

I think the main issue is that working does have to come with sacrifices and many SAHM don't want to make them. I totally understand this. Personally, I was and still am envious of SAHM, especially those of well off husband who work hard, usually under stressful conditions, so that they can have a nice life. I think most mums who work are deep inside envious.

However, listening to these mums going on about how they possibly couldn't work or worse, that they still have it hard because they've got to do the cooking, cleaning etc... does tend to get a not so sympathetic response. What a luxury it must be to have the whole day to do this when most FT working mums have to do exactly the same in the few hours of the morning and evenings.

I do know, any those women are amazing. If choice was taken away (ie, my husband and I broke up), I would have no choice but to get full time work and hope that what I made came up as surplus to the child care fees.
There are plenty of SAHM like me who feel useless and left behind because friends are now surgeons and solicitors etc and I’m just a mum. Then, when I consider doing a masters etc, I have my eldest crying about not wanting to go to a child minder and his anxiety flaring up and making me feel guilty as hell. In a perfect world, loving grandparents would care for the kids after school and husbands would split the school holidays and women would get to raise their children while pursuing their career without being guilt ridden about dropping their crying children at breakfast club at 8am and picking them up at 6. The decision isn’t easy and making SAHM feel bad about it is crap

Here we go again. Women versus women. Our own worst enemies