SAHM who are to busy too work??

[donners312]

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

Oh come off it zsazsajuju

You said "Doesn’t mean they can act like a child and avoid all responsibility for finances tho"

Who is the "they" you are referring to?

In another post you said "But anyway what I am complaining about is women who infantilise themselves"

Both of these comments are directed at sahms and it is disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

I am complaining about women who infants lose themselves- actually not always sahm I don’t think but don’t know anyone like that who is the main or sole breadwinner.

Sorry if you are sensitive about being a sahm but I still said what I said I am afraid.

I am complaining about women who infants lose themselves- actually not always sahm I don’t think but don’t know anyone like that who is the main or sole breadwinner.

Exactly - so you are referring to sahms in the main - why not own it?

I hate the tedious tit tat arguments of wohm v sahm but what I am objecting to is constant references in this thread to sahm who "infantilise themselves" and wohm who "put on their big girl pants and go out to work".

I just want it acknowledged that some sahm don't have a choice but make the best of it (like many wohm parents) and some do it because they genuinely think it is a better choice for their dc and their family as a whole. That doesn't mean that they suddenly lose their ability to do maths or to take the initiative. Where are people getting these lazy stereotypes from? Genuinely, I would ask you to really reflect on why you think this about sahms?

As a previous poster said, most of the sahms I know were highly qualified professional women before they gave birth. They don't suddenly lose all cognitive function post-partum!

Both wohm and sahm situations are equally valid. Both can be equally demanding. Both can have detrimental and positive effects on children and parents. Can't we just agree to that without bashing sahms please?

Haven’t RTFT but I do get very irritated by SAHMs who have DH earning a good wage, school age children (ie none at home between 9-3 ish), some help (a cleaner or au pair) and don’t work, and get are still ‘too busy’ to do x or y or say they couldn’t possibly work with all the ‘stuff’ they have to do.

I’m not talking about SAHMs who financially it would make no sense for them to work, or those with health issues or children with health or additional needs. I’m talking about the ones (and believe me they exist) where it’s ‘so stressful trying to book a holiday’ or ‘so sorry I haven’t replied to your email, I haven’t had a minute.’ Yes you bloody have.

I think I would find it irritating to have to listen to any friend whether a working or SAHM moaning recurrently about their rubbish car, how terrible it is that they can't holiday abroad. I would find that entitled attitude annoying. I can't think of any conversations along those lines that I have had with any friend.

SAHMs are a diverse group and whereas it is very challenging to look after a couple of pre schoolers and a school aged child, for example, it is relatively relaxed once all children are in school (assuming no health issues). Most SAHM/Ds with school aged children could work if they wanted to, even something flexible on a self employed basis. It's a perfectly valid to choose not to, assuming that your partner is happy too, but I find the excuses made about how they can't possibly work irritating, better to own the choice and say that it works better for your family.
I have the impression that the OP was referring to this group of people and she find this irritating as a single mother who needs to and manages to juggle work and children.

picasso- I don't think doctors take time out to be SAHMs/Ds precisely because it is nearly impossible to get back into Medicine, not just because of GMC regulations but because things change too quickly, skills are lost rapidly and the loss of confidence would make it extremely challenging. Out of the 100s of doctors I have worked with over the years, I can only think of one who took 5 years out with children and returned. She found it very difficult to come back and was very slow (this is an issue in a busy medical job if other people need to pick up the extra work). Is there any option to pay for some updates/ supervised work at this stage? I hope you can find a way.

neversaynever

It's a perfectly valid to choose not to, assuming that your partner is happy too, but I find the excuses made about how they can't possibly work irritating, better to own the choice and say that it works better for your family.

It's always "its a perfectly valid choice .... followed by but..." isn"t it?

Perhaps sahms find themselves making excuses rather than "owning" their decision because - judging from many posts on here - they sense the widespread animosity towards them.

So if a working woman moans because she can't have the car she would like or whatever, do we tell her to shut up because she should just get a better paid job or work more - "own it" etc?

I never moan about my husband because he works very hard and he never moans about me because he has the sense to know life would be a lot more stressful with 4 DC if I wasn't at home. In 15 years, he has never once raised the possiblity of me getting a job, even part-time, so that says it all.

It's always "its a perfectly valid choice .... followed bybut..." isn"t it?
Isn't that people saying 'it's a valid choice BUT both parties need to be on board' or 'it's a valid choice BUT having made the right choice for you don't moan the grass is greener'

No different than when I was talking to friends about a promotion. They said 'you'd be ace at it and it's your choice, BUT make sure that you've considered.... before applying'.

I would argue that the "buts" have been a bit more pointed on this thread MaisyPops but I understand your point.

Each to their own. I have never, ever regretted being a working mother. Financial independence is very important to me and I'm so glad that I now have the benefit of workplace pensions as well as state pension. I am very happily married to DH (22 years) who supported me doing an OU degree to help me progress professionally. We have always had very busy, productive lives and my daughter is a very well adjusted newly married woman. I think it's about individual choice.

Yup my SIL has two kids over 10 and doesn't work. Doesn't seem to be intending to work. BIL has low wage.

Really no excuse.

In terms of those with kids under 10 or with additional needs it's a completely different thing.

I think that sometimes people have different definitions of busy. I'm a single mum, two DCs, one with special needs. I work full-time to keep the roof over our heads. I am frantically busy nearly all of the time, which is not good for my health or sanity but I feel as though my choices are limited.

I have good friends who are SAHM, with husbands paying for the family lifestyle. I have no beef with that, it is a family decision and I'm delighted that women aren't forced into certain lifestyles in this day & age. However, I know that my SAHM friends definition of busy, is very different to my own - how could it not be?

I also know that their priorities for home decoration and holidays are entirely different to mine, because their expectations are different.

So, I think you just have to suck it up OP and accept that if you have friends with different lifestyles and aspirations who happen to be SAHM, then they are probably going to moan about the things that matter to them - however unreasonable you may think that is.

A lot of women I know who have the attitude to finance I mentioned do work part time (so I wouldn’t consider them to be sahp). So it’s not necessarily about sahp - I think it’s just a type of mentality. Some women are looking for a daddy (maybe there are men who do this too but I don’t know any). I couldn’t bear not having control of my finances or leaving it all to someone else. But I suppose some people prefer it that way. Ultimately tho, if you’re an adult and decide not to take responsibility for your finances, that’s up to you but you have to accept the consequences.

Many sahm to the contrary actually manage the family finances- often traditionally did in my community. So this attitude does not necessarily go with being a sahp.

I think this was what op was originally talking about- the women she knew who don’t want to take responsibility for their finances, their husband is supposed to provide whatever they like but they’re not prepared to get a job.
Anyway I don’t think either of us was “bashing” sahp at all. My point in particular was i find women who abrogate responsibility for finances (their own families and ultimately theirs) annoying.

If women don’t want to work anyway for whatever reason, it’s their choice. But us single parents generally don’t have these same choices. But there’s good and bad in that.

And shiny cantle I am afraid you have as much of a choice as I do, more really as I am a single parent. I choose to work but other choices are valid too.

Being a SAHM is enormously dangerous financially speaking. How many threads have we seen from women trying to re-enter the workplace after a long gap and either being trapped in low paying menial work when they have good qualifications or not getting a job at all.

Sure, everyone has a choice. But some have more serious consequences.

zsazsajuju I didnt have a choice actually until very recently (already explained down thread).

And many pp have said that single parents are in a different category here as they have so few choices.

But where are all these sahps who abdicate responsibility for their own lives and hand over control of their lives to their ohs? I certainly don't know any. Imho, it's a lazy stereotype.

I am talking about some people I know, as I said not all are sahp. Women who don’t make any financial decisions or have any knowledge of their own finances- what sort of mortgage they have etc. It’s that I am complaining about- women who don’t take responsibility for themselves.

I don’t know why you want to insist I mean something other than what I say or that it’s lazy stereotypes. Maybe you just have a different perception.

Also you say you didn’t have a choice but single parents are in a different category cos they have so few choices. What does that mean? Seems like a strange assertion.

There’s nothing wrong with being a sahp but you sound like you are not very happy with it.

Interestingly how many men choose to stay at home and look after their kids? Perhaps it’s not a free choice.

I wouldn’t give her half my stuff cos she puts a wash on. Cos really it would not be worth it. And that's how you see SAHM's the person that puts on the wash! How do you see your dh? What's his function? A quickie and to spilt the bills?

Well I am happy to report that the sahms I know (some of my closest friends in fact - an ex farmer, scientist and managing director among them) are highly intelligent, educated, dynamic and resourceful woman who are very much in control of their finances and their lives. So yes, my perspective on this issue is different.

I am talking about some people I know, as I said not all are sahp. Women who don’t make any financial decisions or have any knowledge of their own finances- what sort of mortgage they have etc. This is stupid - dull stupid - organising financial stuff is not hard - Dh does not get involved, too busy doing the stuff only he can do...I can’t see him eplacing me with s live in housekeeper either as is often suggested on these threads, what makes people think that someone who earns loads only values their partner on market value of domestic services? What kind of people do you know?

I was talking about my housekeeper. I am a single parent- no husband for me I’m afraid.

I know lots of different kinds of people. I don’t use my housekeeper to replace my ex - he never did the laundry anyway. But she means I can work in my job and deal with my dcs.

Up thread there are lots of assertions that somehow by performing domestic duties and childcare, that means the sahp is contrbution is equivalent to half whatever the working parent does because their role enables the working parent to work. But that’s simply not the case - my housekeeper enables me to work but I don5 pay he4 half my worldly goods. the economic value of housekeeping duties is not half my assets.

Shiny cantle - that’s nice. You’ve still not really got the point that I was complaining about women who infantilised themselves financially who were not necessarily sahm but that’s ok. Considering my point didn’t have anything to do with sahm you seem awful sensitive about it. Chill out- nothing wrong with being a sahm.

@zasz - It's not that women set out to abdicate financial responsibility or infantilise themselves. Its more about personality types within a marriage. You mention hedge fund managers. Well, if you happen to be married to one, he will no doubt be more financially astute than the average person, so things just evolve in a certain way. My DH is very much like that - ex-banker, runs his own companies, investment portfolios, etc. I trust him and let him get on with it because that's the way we are and people get into certain patterns as time goes by.

The whole point if a relationship is to take the burden off the other person if possible, surely? Having roles is actually ok.

As for your point about how much your housekeeper is "worth" - well, you can't really apply that kind of mentality to a marriage! You don't "pay" your spouse fgs.

No a SAHM can't make a teacher into a hedge fund manager. This is an odd thing to say - why would she even want to? But if you happen to be married to a hedge-fund manager, or anyone who works over-and-above normal hours / levels of commitment for very high salary, than you are more likely to become a SAHM in those circumstances because a) you can afford to with little impact to the family finances, and b) to create a balance in the family and less complexity all round.

Housekeeper can replace a the obligations of a parent - that's bollocks! Dh works hard, enjoys what he does, has the support and love of his family who respect his effort but do not resent it because one parent is always there. So this works for us and I am not presuming it works for anyone else - we work out the financial decisions together - I often do the research and dh often just agrees.
Income is earned by dh but his life would be empty without his family - he runs his own business and would be successful without us but he would not be happy but that is who he is, I'm sure there are many successful people who think they can substitute in house keeper and everything remains the same and they might be right for their family but I do not agree - I grew up with a house keeper, it is not the same!