SAHM who are to busy too work??

[donners312]

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

You'd need to be paying a housekeeper plenty, if you wanted them to mind your kids because you have a late meeting or need to be away overnight at short notice. Or you need to be earning enough to pay a nanny, if you want someone who will actively care for your children in your absence.
You can if necessary buy in all the support a sahp provides, but it will cost you. A lot of people just consider that it makes financial sense for one of the parents to be available full time.

I also don't know where the idea comes from that sahm have no concept of their own financial situation. I manage everything bar dh's pension and tax form. My dh hasn't ever sorted a mortgage or house insurance renewal or dealt with our bank.

butternutcrinklefries you are a carer AND a SAHM. You do an incredibly valuable job and you are highly skilled at it. It is simply not a role you could outsource or pay others to do. I am in the same position with 2 autistic DC. It takes a long time to accept that you can't do paid work, but do indeed do a huge amount unpaid work that you have the unique talents to do.

I had DS10 now and went back to work. Planned for DS8 now and couldn't go back. I spent most weeks for 16 months in and out of hospital. Attending appointments and therapies. I was the breadwunner but couldn't go back to work. Even at 8 DS has. Lots of appointments and therapies, I manage him and his diary. I usually only sleep 4 hours max per night as he wakes about 1am and then is awake for the entire day ..... His attendance at school last year was 44%... Who's gonna employ me? Instead the government pay me £46 per week with national insurance contribution. So as a family we are £28,000 short now per year because my son was born with a rare gene mutation that neither he nor we could control!
Now stop judging until you know all the facts !!!!!
I'd love a job but my job is managing my DS's life !!!!

Sometimes it is a matter of choice to be a SAHM sometimes there is a necessity to either work or SAHM. Parents who stay at home are not all the same in terms of what they do and their commitments, that is the same fog those who work. What is true is that those who stay at home will have less household income and more time , those who work less time and more household income. Money and time are not the only benefits but they tend to be two of the more significant. People make their own decision and people also feel they need to justify what they do. I terstingly the most irritating comment I find is from part-time SAHM/workers who tell you that they have the best of both worlds and how their decision is the ideal - ideal for them maybe but not for everyone

This post comes across as judge to me. Who provides your childcare op? And how much of a % of your salary is it a month?
Many many people struggle to pay for it. And even if they do cover it a lot of the time it leaves not much left over.
Some people then cut back so they can afford to be a sahp . In an ideal world they would be able to work but just can’t. In my ideal world I would be the breadwinner and let my h be a sahd. He would love it I would love it but he earns 4x what I do and travels all the time. I worked ft until dd went to school. My childcare just wasn’t going to provide her with the help she needed at school and will continue to need as she gets older. My h was away a lot and could be sent off abroad with less than 24hours notice.
Someone has to be here. It’s annoying. I am not so happy being a sahm. But you try finding a school hours job and then taking your whole annual leave for dc sick days etc.

I am someone you are talking about. I moan about not being able to afford the lovely clothes I did once upon a time. I moan about dragging out hair appointments because of costs but trust me I have tried to get a convenient school hours job. Has not happened yet. I do however get called nearly every week from agencies mentioning ft work. I’d be interested though in the % of your salary that goes on childcare.
Mainly because I was made to feel like shit for giving up work by someone that had ‘worked ft all the kids lives’ her mother in law did all the childcare whenever she needed it including school drop offs and her mum helped a lot with the cleaning. Not the same.

‘Get a job and buy it then’

Op, can please answer. Do you have any of the following:

1. well paying job
2. flexible employer or non 9-5 working hours
3. any help with childcare or childcare logistics (which includes any family doing childcare for you or helping with drop off/pick up, or your ExH doing some days/drop off/pick up)

If you have any of the above, then you have no idea how difficult it can actually be for women to go back to work.

I’ll add to my post that ‘help with childcare’ includes family who are available for emergency childcare, even if they don’t do any regular childcare.

The original post is just really goady (as ever). It’s generalising about SAHM’s situations - which are probably all so very different. Women moan about husbands all the time - whether they’re working mums or SAHMs- it’s just a way of off-loading and sometimes a way of bonding.

What I don’t get is the obsession some working mums seem to have with SAHMs, and the venom that comes across in some posts. I’d like to understand the psychology behind that.

Interesting that you’ve not answered fruitti or my questions, OP

The OP is never going to answer because she just wanted to spout out shit comments to stir up a shit storm...

Oh bugger off. I’m a SAHM, I work from home and I Home educate my two children - so no, I don’t have time to go out and get a job and I also know that working from home is a blessing and not many can do it as Home work jobs are few and far between, so I’m in quite a lucky unique situation really.
If I couldn’t work from home then I wouldn’t be working because yes, I’m too busy. So I’d also be moaning.

There are a few people who just don’t want to work, or can’t be arsed, but from my experience it’s usually always to do with something else

Hi can anyone help.? I need to change pin no on my phone and don’t knock how to do it! Also I know it’s not aibu but I don’t know how to get to other sites. I am an idiot! Tia

First world problem...i live in some parallel universe where i work and so does dp but we are happy to have a roof over our head...let alone a blardy new kitchen!

I'm trying my best to find a job but people keep choosing candidates with less commitments (no kids) & more recent experience ( I have a small gap on my cv )

I feel shit about the whole thing. Constant rejection = low confidence

To top it all off a male interviewer asked "and what does your husband think about you working?".....

I'm trying my best to find a job but people keep choosing candidates with less commitments (no kids) & more recent experience ( I have a small gap on my cv )

This just goes to prove how society devalues SAHMs.

This just goes to prove how society devalues SAHMs.

A candidate with recent, up-to-date experience will always have an advantage over a candidate who has been out of the workplace for any reason. It's not about devaluing SAHMs, it's about valuing relevant and recent experience.

I am massively in favour of supporting women in their choices (though staying at home or working often isn't a choice), but I don't understand what 'societal value' should be attached to being a SAHM. Presumably you do it for your family's benefit and therefore they should be the ones valuing you. If you want more than that, staying at home is perhaps not for you.

What exactly should society be doing?

To top it all off a male interviewer asked "and what does your husband think about you working?".....

That is fucking outrageous. I'd be all over social media with that shit but I appreciate you may not feel in a position to be able to do that.

My sister went back to work after 5 years at home - she is the bravest person I know but she still found it crushingly hard to return to work and fight to be who she was when she first became pregnant - she never doubted herself before...it was a real shock to see how she struggled - when I gave up work it never occurred to me that returning could be so hard - not returning to work can be based in a massive crisis of confidence in the work place...we are expected to just blow off the rejection but it isn't so easy.

It is very very hard to weather the rejection that comes with job hunting. I hate the job hunt, everyone does, and it is very hard to keep on brushing yourself off and picking yourself up and getting knocked down again.

But there just isn't any other option. The only thing I can suggest (and it'll vary depending on circumstances, field of work etc) is to do what it is you're trying to get into even if you're not being paid for it. Then you will have some relevant experience and proof of your commitment even if you've not been in paid employment for a while.

I had the choice to become a SAHM if I wanted - my husband earns enough. But I didn't want to, for several reasons and this was one of them - I knew that it would be so, so hard to get back into work after a few years out of it. Both psychologically and just in simply finding employment.

I'm a SAHM. I don't need to work, we're comfortable. I don't actually want to work either to be honest, I don't have a career so it seems pointless to me to get a low paid job that I'm not passionate about when I don't want or need to. If I needed to, I would and the decision would be made between me and my husband to do what is best for our family. As it is, me being home is good for our marriage and our family because his hours are unpredictable. I feel lucky to be in this position of not needing to work but then again that also doesn't mean I will never moan about anything. You sound very resentful of SAHM's OP, regardless of how much you claim to respect those of us who are in your opinion doing it 'correctly'.

But I think you’re basically saying that a SAHM has a choice about whether she goes to work, and often she doesn’t. Some mums don’t have the luxury of family to help with childcare. They may have children with SN which makes after school or holiday clubs impossible. In that situation maybe the earner doesn’t earn a whole lot, and then the SAHM is every bit as entitled to have a whinge as a working mum.

I don't understand what 'societal value' should be attached to being a SAHM. Presumably you do it for your family's benefit and therefore they should be the ones valuing you. If you want more than that, staying at home is perhaps not for you
How very patronising. Are you saying that sahp contribute nothing to society? Very ignorant and/or goady.

A number of pp have even mentioned things like looking after working friends children on inset days, which I have done a number of times. There would be a lot of ppl negatively affected if this help were not offered.
How do you think society would be affected if it were not for these sahp who generously offer assistance in many and varied roles in their community?

Are you saying that sahp contribute nothing to society?

I am asking what societal recognition people want for them, after a PP complained about the disadvantage in the job hunt that comes with having a career break for any reason. That's not devaluing SAHPs, it's valuing recent and relevant experience when looking to hire someone. Should employers really not be allowed to choose the person who's still active in the industry now over someone who, for any reason, is five years out of it? (I'm in favour of courses to help ease people back into work though.)

We all do favours for friends. That is not exclusive to SAHPs (plus I'm pretty sure anyone who expects someone else's SAHP to be their go to for inset days would be branded a CF and told to pay for childcare). Though if you're talking about volunteering, that does bring societal recognition and is a good option for SAHPs who want something outside of family duties. Also helps with the job hunt.

As I said, I completely respect anyone's decision to do what's right for them (remembering of course that women often don't have a choice). But when people complain that SAHPs don't get enough 'societal recognition' outside of the families they stay home to run, I honestly don't know what they want. Definitely they should not be disrespected but generally, if it's money or status/recognition in the wider world that you want, you need to work or volunteer.

I am massively in favour of supporting women in their choices (though staying at home or working often isn't a choice), but I don't understand what 'societal value' should be attached to being a SAHM. Presumably you do it for your family's benefit and therefore they should be the ones valuing you.

Agreed. The benefits of SAHPing are primarily for the individual family, rather than society as a whole.

Obviously, bringing up the next generation is hugely important, but we are all raising our kids, whether we work or not.

Many SAHPs certainly do valuable work in the community, but equally, so do many WOHPs and non-parents, so I'm not sure that that's really relevant.

And as a pp poster has said, we all do favours for our friends, and in my experience, WOHPs are more likely to call on each other to help out with inset days and the like, because we know that there will be opportunities to reciprocate.

It's not quite as black & white as that though is it?

Have you considered the SAHMs who have had to give up a career as it makes more financial sense for them to be at home. Regardless of whether that's the choice they want to make or not.

The ones whose partners are away mon-fri & the entirety of running the house & childcare is down to them? Or the SAHMs whose partners believe it's their money & are allowed to drive around in a brand new luxury car whilst the SAHM drives around in something old & unreliable?

It's the equivalent of a SAHM starting a post saying how dare women with careers moan about their jobs. Why do they pursue a career in the 1st place if they're just going to moan about it...which of course would be ridiculous as everyone is entitled to have a moan/be unhappy about elements of their lives.