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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say we get rid of cleaner when maternity leave starts?

411 replies

dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 20:32

Man alert!! 😂 So my wife starts maternity leave soon and is adament she wants to take as long as possible off, so 12mths probably. (Which is another bone of contention, as I would have liked to take longer off work than the standard 2 weeks!)

Obviously I’m worried about the financial impact this will have, and we’ve discussed cutting back. One of the things I think we should get rid of is the cleaner, which currently costs us about £140/mth. She disagrees, saying we will need it more than ever.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 21:45

m0therofdragons - I am not resentful, I was disappointed yes, but I in no way resent my wife, having seen what she’s been through.

However, I do believe it is a collective decision, not just “your wife’s decision”- no?

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 06/04/2018 21:45

I imagine it was when you said something like "when it comes to baby number two..." (I cba looking up the exact wording) that SOMEHOW QUITE MYSTERIOUSLY led people to believe that this is your first child.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 06/04/2018 21:46

Why is the Op getting such a pasting?
It isn't his choice for his wife to be the one to carry and birth the baby, biology means he can't do that even if he wanted to.
Yes his wife will need time off to physically recover, but after that initial period there's no reason why the maternity/paternity time off couldn't/shouldn't have been split, especially if finances mean he only gets the initial 2 weeks after the birth.
They both created the baby, they will both love the baby as much as the other, so why is it you're all making out like he just wants "time off work" and to punish his wife that it's been dictated she is getting the year off and him nothing. Is it really so hard to understand that he wants to spend those first precious months with his baby just as much as his wife does? Why do people assume the mother has more right/is natural first choice/will care for the baby better?
Fair would have been splitting the maternity/paternity, mum first so she can physically heal and also in case of breast feeding but at the 6 month weaning point, why couldn't they have swapped and dad get 6 months paternity?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 06/04/2018 21:46

It's not humour if it's not funny though. Humour isn't just making a statement that you wish to be true but don't dare saying openly.

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/04/2018 21:46

OP, mumsnet doesn't reflect real life. In real life, most sahms don't have cleaners, gardeners or dogwalkers as most husbands simply can't afford it. Some people on here will try to slam you for being selfish, but those are people who have so much money that depriving someone of a cleaner is virtually abuse. Most sahms do manage to clean the house, cook dinner etc, and have always been able to do this through the centuries. Of course your house won't be pristine, but most mums don't have the luxury of being able to spend all day playing with the baby and do manage to keep on top of the chores too when the baby naps etc.
She is being unfair not sharing the leave with you. If you had more leave, then of course I think you should be the one doing the chores when she's at work.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 06/04/2018 21:48

Yeah, this is totes not real.

PuntasticUsername · 06/04/2018 21:48

Sorry, it was actually "But I’ve threatened that with the next baby, she can go back after 2 weeks...", but the implication is similar imo.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/04/2018 21:48
Confused

Your first two posts very much make it seem as if this is your first pregnancy/baby.

Why is her wanting to take 12 months' leave such a surprise to you? What did she do with the previous two?

And why would you be talking about wanting to take the bulk of the maternity leave with the next one - the 4th....? 🤔

Why didn't you do that with any of these three....?

Do they have a different father?

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:49

@lifechangesforever that sounds wise. I know it's expensive but it may not turn out to be a luxury. Do you have any friends who might be able to take your dogs out sometimes to save you some money?

OP, it's in your whole attitude. I accept you didn't claim it was your first but you sound so ignorant about what childbirth and early motherhood do to women (resenting your wife for taking the full maternity leave! Wanting her to go back after two weeks and you take nine months! Not saying anything about you doing any cleaning until someone forces the issue!) that it's frankly incredible to think that you've actually been here twice before. (Or have you? What would your wife say?)

When you got the exact response we all knew you'd get, you came back with 'calm down ladies' and, of course, the prehistoric chestnut about how it's all just a joke.

Do you think you're the first man to give any of us this response when we didn't react the way you wanted us to?

Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 21:50

“Next baby” implies nothing of the sort. It could mean 2nd, 3rd or even 9th?

Regardless, it was wrongly interpreted

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/04/2018 21:50

@Puntastic
To be fair he actually said “with the next baby”, not the second baby.
It did read as if it was the first though.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:50

Why is the Op getting such a pasting?

Because he's being disingenuous, patronising and insincere.

Tistheseason17 · 06/04/2018 21:50

@harshbuttrue1980
I'm with you on this. It's like some posters are reading something totally different! 👏👏👏

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 21:52

I'm with you on this. It's like some posters are reading something totally different!

Yes it really is...

Laineymc7 · 06/04/2018 21:52

It depends on how things go so wait and see. Keep the Cleaner for now. With my first baby. I didn’t need one. She had proper naps and slept properly so I was not too tired and could do it myself. With Baby number 2 I needed it as I was exhausted. You will definitely need it for the first 8-12 weeks, unless you fancy doing it yourself.

Mumofkids · 06/04/2018 21:53

Well if it's your third child, don't you have some kind of experience from before to go on? Did you have a cleaner with those 2? How was the house and your wife? This one will most likely just slot in, after 2 you definitely get what's coming and that they are all different.
But if it's too much money, then it's too much money. Could you drop to fortnightly as a compromise?

Mumofkids · 06/04/2018 21:54

I have a feeling op may have been being quite himerous but it's lost in text, with no tone!

melonribenia · 06/04/2018 21:55

Can you afford the cleaner? Your family will take a dip in income, but only you know if it's a doable dip.

Personally I had no trouble keeping a clean house while on maternity leave. When I was back at work with a crazy toddler, it was impossible

NoCureForLove · 06/04/2018 21:55

ODFOD

Jenna43 · 06/04/2018 21:56

Is everyone treated with such hostility here?

Well AIBU is known for attracting particularly nasty posters...but yes I have seen men treated with the same hostility as you unfortunately.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:56

OP, imagine you had written: "I am a man. My wife is due our third baby and will be taking the full year of maternity leave. (I do wish I could have some shared parental leave but that's another matter.)

She wants to keep the cleaner but I'm reluctant because it costs £140 a month and I don't think our finances can stretch to it. I'm more than happy to do however much cleaning is necessary, realising she's going to have her hands full. So what do you all think?"

Do you think you might have got a different response?

MillyMolly123 · 06/04/2018 21:56

IMO a cleaner is a luxury. If it’s going to make things financially tight then you really can do without. I had 12 months off after having both of my children. There’s only an 18 month age gap so I had a toddler to also look after, full-time as we took him out of nursery, during my second maternity leave. We had no cleaner, nobody died, everyone got fed, I did fun things with the kids AND managed to keep the house clean. Unless you live in a huge mansion and have 10 kids, it’s really not that difficult to keep on top of it all by doing a little bit each day. I will also add that I do all the cleaning, cooking and shopping with little help from my OH (he does help in other ways), I also did all of the nightfeeds. It really is possible if you just get on with it and stop overthinking/imagining you can’t do it or will struggle.

I’m now back at work full-time, still no need to hire a cleaner. So, definitely not a necessity (for me, anyway).

Stargazer1980 · 06/04/2018 21:57

We had a cleaner pre-DD as we thought I’d need the help. Due to numerous cock-ups we cancelled the contract around the same time DD was born.
In total honesty we never got round to replacing the cleaner, partly because of the hassle with the last one and partly because of the saving.
This was my decision and not my husband’s.
He helped during my recovery.
I found the first 6 months really easy to keep on top of housework and didn’t feel I could justify the cost. It’s now that she’s hit 1, it’s much harder as I have a “helper” in tow!
Your wife has more than one child though so I imagine the loss of a cleaner might be more significant! I certainly wouldn’t say no if DH insisted now but as a SAHM with no income of my own it’s a different situation again...

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:58

I have a feeling op may have been being quite himerous but it's lost in text, with no tone!

It's perfectly possible to be funny in text, but he's not funny. And as for the 'calm down ladies, are you always so mean to men who dare to be comical' bollocks, well....as a (male) stand up comedian friend of mine would say: you need to know your audience.

Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 21:58

Ok, to put some of the harmful misconceptions and presumptions to bed... this is OUR third child, with the other two my wife took 8mths and 9mths respectively (hence why i’m more anxious with 12mths, as it will require more purse tightening). We also didn’t have a cleaner during those maternity leaves - hence my question this time.

I’m not sure what to say with regards to the accusations of thinking mat leave will be easy, or that i expect my wife to do everything - other than, at no point did I say or infer anything of the sort. Nor do I think it.

So, I really see no need for the horrendous personal insults that some on here seem all too happy to dish out, for whatever reason.

My question was coming from a purely financial viewpoint. I genuinely wanted to know what other people’s opinions were on keeping a cleaner during mat leave, so I thought I’d ask on this form which my wife is constantly reading. If it helps, she is sitting beside me right now and is equally appalled (but less surprised) at some of the attitudes and insults.

OP posts:
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