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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say we get rid of cleaner when maternity leave starts?

411 replies

dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 20:32

Man alert!! 😂 So my wife starts maternity leave soon and is adament she wants to take as long as possible off, so 12mths probably. (Which is another bone of contention, as I would have liked to take longer off work than the standard 2 weeks!)

Obviously I’m worried about the financial impact this will have, and we’ve discussed cutting back. One of the things I think we should get rid of is the cleaner, which currently costs us about £140/mth. She disagrees, saying we will need it more than ever.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:34

Yes many prescribed tranquillisers too as I recall - "Mothers Little Helper".

Indeed, and the only explanation anyone could think of was that women were just inherently nuts. Although not many men were offering to trade places.

Anyone remember the character Betty Draper from Mad Men? How on the outside she appeared calm, beautiful and such perfect homemaker, and then behind closed doors she had uncontrollable shakes and anxiety? And when she finally told Don she wanted a divorce, his response was that she must be mentally unwell because only a sick woman would want out of that situation?

By the way, OP do you see now why patronising and dismissing women, especially in a predominantly female space, isn't funny? I mean, it was never funny to start with, but any traces of humour have been long since wiped clean because this joke has WORN SO FUCKING THIN OVER SO MANY DECADES OF REPEATING. It seems fresh and new to you, we were sick to the back teeth of it when we were 18. Fuck, our great grandmother were too, they were just never allowed to say it.

Ditch the cleaner if you can't afford it, we've never had one, and just pitch in yourself. If it's that easy to do with a baby it'll be a piece of piss.

Tistheseason17 · 06/04/2018 21:35

Text can never truly show sarcasm/jokes which I get, OP.

Save £140/mth.

I never had a cleaner with 2 babies under 16mths. Still no cleaner. House isn't mega clean but it's not dirty, and I work full time.

It is possible to have babies without employing a cleaner...

This thread is bizarre- does anyone else cope without a cleaner??? My DH truly loves me, too 🤣🤣

lifechangesforever · 06/04/2018 21:35

I do agree with your here, I'm about to go on maternity leave and therefore we're assessing finances, unfortunately the dog walker and the gardener are going to have to stop. If I had a cleaner (and I would love one!) that would come in the same category and would be stopped.

I'm meh about the gardener but adore my dog walker and the extra effort of walking the dogs in the first few weeks of new baby and routine will be hard but needs must.

Plenty of people cope with housework without a cleaner. Just got to make sure that BOTH parties chip in.

HSMMaCM · 06/04/2018 21:35

I didn't have a cleaner after I gave birth. The house didn't get cleaned though. I was feeding and not sleeping most of the time. Also trying to recover from birth and a major tear. I have had surgery since, so maybe it would have helped if I'd done some cleaning to pass the time.

labcat · 06/04/2018 21:36

You do realise your wife is about to embark on the hardest 12 months of work she will ever have in her life!

Our cleaner saved my sanity on my maternity leave. The last thing you want to do after zero sleep and a baby attached to you all day is scrub the toilet.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:37

Is everyone treated with such hostility here?

Men expecting their first child who come in and tell a load of experienced mothers how easy it is to care for a newborn, and who go on to say 'calm down ladies', do tend to get short shrift, yes.

Can you think why?

Suzielou66 · 06/04/2018 21:38

You will need a cleaner even more than ever when you first have a new baby unless you are going to do the cleaning yourself when you get home from work. Pregnancy, childbirth and caring for a new baby are exhausting. If you can’t afford the cleaner and you aren’t prepared to do the housework yourself then brace yourself for the mess and for a wife who is really grumpy with you.

persypear · 06/04/2018 21:38

What did you expect OP? A series of Yes and No posts? A bunch of 'ladies' just agreeing with you and being delighted with your presence?

Seeing as you couldn't imagine the possible scenarios for youself and so (oh so clearly) needed to ask, what you got was some sound, well-reasoned and well-illustrated advice that you should be grateful for.

Your 'joke' was spectacularly ill-judged - its too common an attitude to be anywhere near funny.

Tainbri · 06/04/2018 21:38

I’ve threatened that with the next baby, she can go back after 2 weeks and i’ll have the 9mths paternity

Or she could keep the cleaner and get rid you you

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 06/04/2018 21:38

Re the £1500 less per month, do you know the cost of childcare? Where I lived nursery averaged £60 per day, which is about £1200 per month. It's not necessarily much cheaper to send your baby to nursery once you have added traveling, work clothes, etc...

Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 21:39

BerylStreep - thank you for your considered reply. I can accept that, if my tongue in cheek statement was interpreted literally, it came across as being an arse, yes. However it was a joker, thankfully many saw it that way.

Everyone seems to have assumed it is our first baby, it is in fact our third - DD1 is 9 and DS1 is 3. My wife would be the first to concur that I did my fair share in both previous pregnancies, and have no reason to shirk my responsibilities this time (despite what is written above).

I would like to thank all of you who gave honest advice and didn’t result to insults because I dared to use humour, or typed I instead of We.

OP posts:
peanutbutter310 · 06/04/2018 21:39

Could you reduce the cleaner to come just once a fortnight, or even a month. Then you just have to keep things presentable between visits, but know that the place is also getting a deep clean on a regular basis. Hopefully at much less than £140/month.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:39

I'm meh about the gardener but adore my dog walker and the extra effort of walking the dogs in the first few weeks of new baby and routine will be hard but needs must.

I would actually seriously try to keep the dog walker if you can. Of course you may well be lucky, but you don't know how long it might take you to recover from the birth, and you will be so tired. You will also probably find there are times the baby starts screaming for no reason and you just want to get home.

LotsToThinkOf · 06/04/2018 21:40

A cleaner is a luxury, if someone can't afford a cleaner then they can't afford a cleaner - newborn or not. I don't see how that's the OP being cruel to his wife. He didn't say he expected the house to be pristine and what is with all of the expectations of him failing to be able to look after a newborn day in, day out? Yes, it's difficult but the ability to cope with that is not reliant on whether a person is male or female. It's very insulting to those women who did take minimal maternity leave to share leave with their DC's fathers as it's suggesting poor judgement.

Awful responses.

peachgreen · 06/04/2018 21:41

This thread is hilarious. From maternity leave being a holiday to thinking all babies sleep a lot. Ho ho ho. My baby sleeps a lot - in fact if she doesn't sleep a lot she ends up screaming all day - but she only sleeps on me, whilst having her back patted. That won't last forever I'm sure, but for now, I either pin myself to the sofa for 1-2 hours 3 times a day or I have a baby that screams all afternoon. I do my cleaning in bursts at the weekend while my husband does nap duty. But if we could afford a cleaner we would definitely have one!

Also if it was possible for me to go back to work and my husband stay off and look after the baby I would definitely do that. Not sure he would though! Grin

m0therofdragons · 06/04/2018 21:41

I gave up wine and made savings in every other area rather than give up my cleaner. Can't ever imagine dh telling me to give it up. We actually don't have a cleaner now dc are at primary but it saved my sanity during Mat leave!

Also I wanted to breast feed for a year and having carried a baby for 9 months, squeezed it through a hole that's really a bit smaller than required and filled my body with high levels of unbalanced hormones, yes, like your wife, I too wanted 12 months off work!

Your tone comes across as arrogant and feeling hard done by. Stop resenting your wife's choices or it will eventually end your relationship.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:41

Everyone seems to have assumed it is our first baby, it is in fact our third - DD1 is 9 and DS1 is 3.

Well frankly that makes it worse. You actually DO know what it involves (or do you?) and you're still this flippant about it. People have assumed it's a first baby because you sound so utterly ignorant about what it entails.

I would like to thank all of you who gave honest advice and didn’t result to insults because I dared to use humour

We're all giving you honest advice, you just don't like a lot of it. And your 'humour' isn't daring because it isn't new or funny.

Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 21:41

PoorYorick - show me anywhere in this thread where I a) said it was our first, b) told anyone it was easy to look after a newborn?

OP posts:
BugsyMcGee · 06/04/2018 21:42

Just curious, does your wife have any say over whether the cleaner is gotten "rid" of or is that solely your choice?

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/04/2018 21:42

Keep the cleaner on initially.

And then just see how it goes.

I assumed maternity leave was going to be one great walk in the park, holiday-type thing when I was pregnant.

I could not have been more wrong - and I didn't even have high needs babies (though neither of them were all that keen on sleeping in the day. In fact, I reckon it's only a minority that are).

It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

To all those saying - 'how did women cope without cleaners' - well, of course they did. But they probably had hands-on help in other forms - mothers, MILs, sisters, friends, etc.

If you don't have a support network, a cleaner might be the only thing stopping you from slipping into PND territory. I know we don't know the OP's wife's particular circumstances.

As long as you're willing to pitch in a bit to help - and it sounds like you are - then just see how it goes.

lifechangesforever · 06/04/2018 21:42

@PoorYorick I may keep her a couple of days a week, DH will be doing the walks in the first few weeks alone, unless I'm up to it.

I do have a couple of months at full pay at the beginning so I could keep her going if really needed but I also want to save that money (£15 a day) for use towards the end of leave when I'm on SMP.

g1itterati · 06/04/2018 21:42

It's a big jump to three DC OP - you are outnumbered!

Does your wife have a view on any of this?

m0therofdragons · 06/04/2018 21:43

Actually I did suggest dh took longer paternity second time round but funnily enough he was less keen to stay home with a toddler and newborn twins 😆

iMatter · 06/04/2018 21:43

If this is your third then why the drama?

Just do what you did with child 1 and child 2.

No doubt you'll do the same with child 4.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 06/04/2018 21:44

Women have always breastfed. We've also always not breastfed. Incredibly common throughout human history for women who were engaged in work or other activities not to be responsible for feeding their own babies, at least for part of the time, but for the baby to be passed to someone else while the mother worked. The idea that it's not always possible to breastfeed a newborn exclusively and engage in much in the way of other activity is not a new one. Some of you need to read more books.