People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

[Timeforachange2018]

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

JeSaisPas
I couldn't give a stuff but they are my DP's close family and I want him to be happy and feel loved on his wedding day.

I would say his cousin probably doesn't feel very cared about since you knew she wouldn't be able to come which is probably why they are all taking her side. But probably you'll have to give in and let the kids come if you want them to come.

Well, in my experience the people who have ruined weddings have been drunken, obnoxious adults. ... you can't say just you, not your DP, can you!

And I have posted this the other day. There were several little boys and girls at the wedding including the bride and grooms young
Daughters who were about 4 & 6.

During the speeches the 7/8 of them legged it through the hotel to go to the play park. I was on an end table, so got up and followed them. I then missed all the speeches.

The bride later said to me that she'd been keeping on eye on them and was about to shout at them not to leave or ask someone to go after them when I got up and went. Then she realaxed and enjoyed the speeches.

The whole day though the children were very well behaved. The bride and grooms children went home about the same time as my ds2. But the others stayed. To be honest by 7:30pm they were all asleep in the lounge next to the reception room.

Everyone was taking it in turns to sit in there with them whilst they slept. It wasn't on a rota or anything lol just people would go in and say 'you go out and I'll stay for a bit'.

So as much as I think it's nice to have children at a wedding, I also think it can be a very long day for them, especially if they are litttle.

I can’t understand it myself.

I had a child free wedding because I wanted one. I didn’t want children running all around and ruining my day. My idea of hell. Others idea of bliss! It’s just horses for courses.

Hubby’s sister feel out with us over it and hasn’t spoken to us since. It’s been nearly 7 years in April.

I’m not offended in the slightest if my children don’t get an invite.

In fact the last 2 weddings we’ve had where they’ve had invites we haven’t taken them so we could enjoy ourselves and have adult time.

I’d understand if someone declined an invite of course.

*fell

It's not false to say that cost is a factor. Even if you choose a venue which charges less for children's meals, that cost might still eat into the budget such that it prevents a couple from bring able to invite friends they actually want at their wedding. Also a b&g shouldn't have to change their venue to accommodate children they don't particularly want there, just because some parents are too precious to understand their kids are not the centre of everybody else's universe!

If I had a limited budget I want the people who matter to me to be invited, not their dc, who may well be lovely but are not as important as my friends.

I think it is perfectly okay to also say that children change the dynamic of an event. It is also fine to exclude kids on the grounds that their parents will let them run wild, but include kids whose parents look after them properly. If that causes offense, perhaps some parents should look at why their dc are not welcome.

I think you probably should invite siblings children if you want your siblings to attend, given that their child carers are likely to be at the wedding too, but generally I believe a couple should have the wedding they want.

Agree with you OP.

Our wedding was child-free. Not because we don't like kids, but just because it was in rural Provence at an isolated venue (with on-site accomodation). We didn't want people buggering off to bed at 8pm because the kids were tired.

We did look at hiring a on-site babysitter (the venue had a suitable playroom) but a couple of people said they wouldn't leave their kids with her anyway, so we scrapped that idea and just said no children. We didn't have kids ourselves at that point and never did our siblings, so it's not like immediate family were excluded. I think it's tricker to manage if you do.

If the wedding is child free becuase people actively do not wish to have children there then I guess it's a different kind of party from anything I would be wanting to go to. What I can't understand is making an actual edict for nobody to bring children "for financial reasons" - you can make it clear you will only be feeding the adults but allow people to bring children with them to be fed and watered at their own expense. Given the choice between "You must magic up from thin air someone to care for your child for £40" or "You can buy your children a meal for £40 each direct with the venue" then I'd take bringing her with us every time. If the venue will physically accommodate the children then it's a bit priggish. Some of our cousins have 9 kids, they know that they would never be invited anywhere if people had to cover all the expenses of their children.

It's not as if guests don't go to significant financial lengths also - bringing a present, travelling a long way, often getting accommodation, buying an outfit - they can be hundreds in the hole putting themselves out to bring themselves to a wedding. It's a bit different if you are inviting local people, I suppose, but then it's something I have never come across - I'd rather my family came and brought thousand of kids than leave out family to fit in a co-worker.

Then again, I've never gone to a wedding thinking "How nice, this will be lots of fun and I'll really enjoy it" it's a lot more "OMG I will have to drag myself to x & y's wedding, that's going to cost a fortune" so if they want to disrupt my life and give me mounds of expenses to come to their wedding but can I please not have any children because that's inconvenient, how is that not meant to be off? So maybe it depends on your relationship with everyone involved, and that's going to be different for each guest therefore the level of understanding each potential guest has is going to be variable.

At the end of the day, you can make the decisions but you can't control how people feel or tell them the way they feel is wrong. One can decide not to invite any children, but it's not reasonable to tell people they shouldn't be upset/offended about it - if they are, then they are!

Short answer, YANBU to feel that a child free wedding is perfectly OK, but YABU to think that everyone should agree with your viewpoint, YANBU to think they should conduct themselves with decorum even if they are offended!!

I have tried, really really tried, to understand the view of people that get offended if their children aren't invited to weddings. In the cases of most things in the world, even if I don't agree with someone's view on something, I can understand where it comes from. Even horrible things - I can see how it would have developed.

This one? I got nothing. I really don't. And as a mother of a five and four year old, I would rather chew off my own head than have them at a wedding. They would be bored senseless and I would spend my whole time looking after them. That's not why I go to a wedding.

They came to my sister's wedding last year as she wanted them to be flowergirls and honestly, other than the half an hour of the ceremony (during which, to their credit, they were really really well behaved), I could have done without it. DH was brilliant - and took the burden of the childcare as it was my family wedding. He had a good time, but not a great time.

Delta yes, that's another thing! I had loads go home early because their dc were tired and needed to go to bed. It was horrible. The dc that we're left were very overtired so I don't know what's worse.

I'm quite shocked at the number of pp that have mentioned childfree weddings abroad. I don't know what we'd have done if we'd got married in the UK, but since we didn't I wouldn't have dreamed of asking people to leave their kids behind! We were so grateful for anyone that had given up their holiday time and considerable amounts of money to attend that they could bring whoever they liked!

@JaneyEJones - there are 8 babies coming to our full day wedding, so that ship has sailed! Luckily the line to draw for close friends or not fell to naturally exclude children we'd need to provide food for - only our evening guests have older children (all the parents we've spoken to would prefer to make their own arrangements for babies).

People who are saying you're excluding because you don't like children at all - think about it this way. You're hosting a party for your friends. You can invite six people, and it's child-friendly.

A & B and their children, C & D
E & F, childless

You'd invite all six, probably, right?
Now just two people. Maybe A&F if it's a girls' night thing. Maybe one couple or the other. But you wouldn't invite C&D on their own.
So why if it's four people is it so weird to chose ABEF over ABCD?

Regardless of how much you like them, children are generally an addendum to someone you already liked, not friends in their own right, mostly. Bumping someone - possibly several someones - that you already liked on the grounds that someone else had kids doesn't swing in my book.

Oh, yeah, the destination wedding, expecting people to take time off work, spend a fortune on travel and accommodation, give the couple more money as a 'gift' and find someone to look after their kids, too.

sanctimonious types who say "we come as a package" (not when they want a romantic night out at the cinema though, they are fine to leave the kids with friends then)

I've often noticed this myself. I don't pretend to know everyone's circumstances and I'm sure there are some who genuinely can't access childcare, but I do wonder how many of the "awful problems" with finding someone are actually just down to the guest's convenience and the hope that the kids will be included if they lay on more pressure?

children are generally an addendum to someone you already liked

But so are many DPs, are they not?

You should invite who you want, but people are free to think its wrong.

I do think modern weddings are exactly that wedding for this generation. My DCs are never going to have the relationship I had with my aunts, uncles and cousins. Time, locations and how we live our lives are different. So it’s not surprising at weddings that you may not want to invite cousins Just because they are family or their children you have never met. They are just reflections of busy expensive lives.

Regardless of how much you like them, children are generally an addendum to someone you already liked, not friends in their own right, mostly.

This is a good point @thecatsthecats I also think this is why people get offended. I think there are some parents who really want you to see their children as guests in their own right and want you to consider them also your friends.

And these parents are shocked and offended to discover that to you their children are an option.

I do think modern weddings are exactly that wedding for this generation

Yes, I agree. And may be for a particular type of person.

I'm throughly enjoying this thread, there are some stand out bonkers posts being made :)

A wedding SHOULD be a family event, and I have the same lovely memories of weddings as you do. Yet, I have known of many couples this past decade or so, who had 20 work colleagues (and their partners,) and some mates from the gym or golf club at their wedding, but no nieces and nephews or children of their cousins. And not even any cousins, as they had excluded their cousins children, so the cousins couldn't come/didn't want to come. (And on occasions, even the bride and grooms SIBLINGS don't come, as their kids can't come.)

I had a few work colleagues (who I also consider friends) at my wedding but not my cousins. I see my colleagues socially at least once a week, I have seen my cousins twice in the last 15 years (my grandparents' funerals). Yes, I prefer my friends to my cousins. So shoot me.

I always think the vitriol against child-free weddings is really unfair on those who get married later. I got married at 27 so there was one baby and one toddler at the wedding - that was all the children our guests had. Nice and easy. If I was getting married now, seven years on, and had the same guests we'd have to have 20+ small children, or none. And would get a lot of moaning about the none - mostly from people who, like us, got married early enough that their wedding didn't have to be a children's party, but who expect other people to just put up with their wedding being completely dominated by children - which does really change the atmosphere, and not in a way that most adults without small children enjoy.

But so are many DPs, are they not?

It's easier to find things to talk about with a DP of someone you're friends with because presumably they'll have some vaguely similar interests. Rather than having to make chit chat with kids, or play with them.

The dp's are a partner for the person to dance with too.

The fact Is...it's ok to not invite kids.

@MargaretCavendish

Very good point about the timings. It applies to hen parties as well.

I was never the sort to WANT a colossal £200+ hen party, but to be told they can't afford my far more modest do by people who made a big fuss of theirs is in the extreme, because they have CHILDREN now.

Yes, I don't want to take food from your kid's mouths, but you know what, I didn't want to spend £300 on an arsing weekend in Blackpool. It's your turn to put yourself out!

'Yes, I don't want to take food from your kid's mouths, but you know what, I didn't want to spend £300 on an arsing weekend in Blackpool. It's your turn to put yourself out!'

No one forces people to spunk a wodge of cash on someone's hen do and no one is entitled to tell another it's their turn to put themselves out for oneself . If the invitation to a hen do doesn't suit you, you are under no obligation to go, no matter how much of a fuss the one doing the inviting puts up. Similarly, if those you invite to your wedding don't want to put themselves out for you, then they can decline. If the host gets upset by that, that's their lookout.