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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

493 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 06/04/2018 08:49

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

OP posts:
JeSaisPas · 06/04/2018 12:10

if you put any conditions on attending for any reason not just kids some people won't want to come so you can't be annoyed about that its their choice like others have said its and invite not a summons.

BlueSapp are you purposely not understanding what I've written? I clearly said of course people don't have to come! The issue is the rudeness and demands when we invited them in good faith!

The way you are going on makes me think that you may be the type of person who would kick up a fuss if your DC weren't invited and have a go at the bride and groom.

And, no, there is nothing else going on, other than them being sanctimonious types who say "we come as a package" (not when they want a romantic night out at the cinema though, they are fine to leave the kids with friends then.)

Dontforgetyourtowel · 06/04/2018 12:10

BlueSapp if someone said they were thankful that they lived by the sea, I wouldn't take that personally and be offended because I don't.

I fear the issue here is more that you are one of those narrow-minded people who take other people's choices as a personal slight against their own. Evidenced by your posts here.

Spikeyball · 06/04/2018 12:11

The situation I find odd if when people have an adults only wedding but then have a few children as bridesmaids or page boys etc but not invite children of a similar closeness to the couple.

JeSaisPas · 06/04/2018 12:12

I couldn't agree more, Dontforgetyourtowel.

Trinity66 · 06/04/2018 12:13

Who wants to bring young children to weddings anyway?

JeSaisPas · 06/04/2018 12:13

The situation I find odd if when people have an adults only wedding but then have a few children as bridesmaids or page boys etc but not invite children of a similar closeness to the couple.

I know what you mean but it might be because they are the only children that the bride and groom actually like!

Brokenbiscuit · 06/04/2018 12:15

I hate the concept of child free weddings, but wouldn't be offended by them at all - it's the bride and groom's choice. However, it's my choice as to whether or not I attend, and they should not be offended if I choose not to.

My cousin had a child-free wedding in another country, and was most put out that I chose not to attend. However, I had no intention of blowing all that money on an overseas trip without dd in tow!

JaneyEJones · 06/04/2018 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nakedscientist · 06/04/2018 12:19

People seem to be more keen to create a showy, celeb style wedding, that they can barely afford and prefer to have 'mates' instead of family. Why not make it cheaper and invite everyone? Family to the meal, mates to the party.

This is completely up to them, but do I judge? Yes, I do. Its shallow.
No wonder why loneliness is increasing. We fit ourselves in to ever decreasing social groups and miss out on creating links with the younger generation.

Trinity66 · 06/04/2018 12:20

Yes, either have dc there or don't

Why? its their choice

treaclesoda · 06/04/2018 12:22

I've never been to a wedding where everyone's children were invited. I never attended a wedding as a child either. Weddings were definitely adult business.

I have been to a handful of weddings that had maybe one or two children there eg niece/nephew of the bride or groom. And I've only once heard of someone being offended because their children weren't invited. It's about 30 years ago, the kids are probably married themselves at this point, and people still talk of it wide eyed saying 'can you believe the nerve of them to expect to bring their children to a wedding?'.

People tend to follow what is 'the norm' in their upbringing. If I wasn't constantly reading mumsnet, I would have had no idea that some people include children in wedding invitations.

I don't think either side is right or wrong, it's just different.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 06/04/2018 12:26

nakedscientist As has been mentioned quite a few times now, friends are the family you choose and very often people don't get on with family members. It may be because of abuse, because they are just too different, because they never see them and their brood, because they are entitled people who take offence easily... or whatever but the fact remains that many people are closer to friends than family. That is not a bad thing. It's a fact. Why tolerate someone just because you're related somehow.. And in any case, we're all related if you go far enough back so there.

BlueSapp · 06/04/2018 12:28

Dontforgetyourtowel Entirely different, what you did was put someones comment down because they were talking about a certain type of wedding, if someone had said oh I hate registry office weddings I'd call them rude too because it is, simple!

BlueSapp · 06/04/2018 12:30

JeSaisPas you obviously don't like them very much, so why do you want them there?

Snowysky20009 · 06/04/2018 12:33

Weddings can be boring for children anyway. We took ds2 (8 at the time) to my ex sis in laws weddimg several years ago. She's obviously aunt to ds1 (13 at the time) so all 'his' family were there.

Ds2 was brilliant through the wedding and the reception. But come to about 6:30 just as the 'evening' party was started he said he'd had enough and he was ready to go home.

We are lucky, as we could phone one of my sis in law's and she came to fetch him. He then stayed the night with my mother in law.

He really enjoyed the day, but he had got bored by the evening. We were lucky he was old enough to say that and that we had childcare and a lift for him. I couldn't imagine a younger child like that if you didn't have childcare. Getting bored and tired and wanting to go. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself and I doubt either would dp.

JaneyEJones · 06/04/2018 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckingjournocunts · 06/04/2018 12:34

Modern weddings are pretty depressing actually. Sort of sterile and lacking in fun that has not been paid for & organised.
My brothers wedding was absolutely fantastic. Kids everywhere, decent meals & lots of free booze 😂 and not a wankerish magician or caricaturist in sight!

Member984815 · 06/04/2018 12:36

This kinda happened for my wedding it wasn't a small wedding to start adding all the children only in the family as in first cousins who were kids at the time would have added 30 something children my mil wanted to invite my husband's first cousins kids as well , you have to ignore a lot of the feelings of others or else you end up with a day you didn't want. I put my foot down we were paying for it ourselves

thecatsthecats · 06/04/2018 12:36

Hmm, let's tick off my cousins.

Mum's side (let's ignore that most of the aunts/uncles are NC with each other):

Male cousin, 1 year older. Don't know where he lives. Grew up 300 miles away. Sort of perved on me at my grandad's funeral Hmm
Female cousin, 1 year younger. Lives in Islamabad. Lovely girl, came on one holiday with us 18 years ago, but no, we don't speak.
Male cousin, ? years younger - 3? Location - unknown.
Female cousin - 15, I think? Born abroad when I was 14. Have met her three times.

Dad's side:

40 something male: Married with 3 or 4 kids. Not sure. Dad is one of six, and they were older, so we didn't see lots of them when we were young. Have him on facebook and seems like a nice bloke. Didn't invite to his wedding.
2nd brother of same family. Also married with 3/4 kids. Ditto the above, but no real relationship with him even by facebook.

My fiance:

Two cousins only on his mum's side. None from his dad or stepdad. We see them 3-4 times a year socially. One girlfriend, no kids between them.

We're inviting the latter two to the day and the two cousins on my dad's side to the evening, and that's it. Do people really, honestly, think the genetic relationship I have with these people is more important than the forty odd friends who I see regularly, who laugh, and support, and share my life?

I am constantly surprised, but so proud, that out of the mess of my family life, riddled with toxic behaviour and NC, I have so many wonderful friends to celebrate with.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 12:37

I'm not offended by such invitations at all, in fact, I really like them because we have no childcare so we'd have to decline and then don't have to go to the wedding. Win!

I can see why people don't invite them, especially young ones or babies. Some parents think the world revolves around their progeny and won't remove a child who makes noise during the ceremony or cries and allow their children to run about at the reception, thinking other adults will look after them, make way for them, adore them, etc.

Just look at all the vid clips of people recording their 'cute' toddler making a scene at a wedding reception.

Equally, it's a bit shitty to couch such an invitation as an 'opportunity' or become offended when a guest declines because it's childfree (for any reason). 'But they have childcare!' You don't know that and maybe they don't want to use childcare favours to go to a wedding, don't want to leave their kid with some stranger at a hotel, have to pay for childcare and don't want to or can't afford it to go to a wedding.

FirstTimeRound984 · 06/04/2018 12:37

I see no problem with it unless i can't get childcare in which case i'd decline the invitation with that reasoning. I wouldn't be offended by my child not being invited, each to their own - I actually don't want children at my wedding either, mainly because they are all still so young i don't want a screaming baby drowning out my vows! But i also understand that because of the children's ages those parents might not be able to attend the ceremony, me and DP are still working on a solution to this problem as most of the children are our nieces and nephews!

nakedscientist · 06/04/2018 12:38

It may be because of abuse, because they are just too different, because they never see them and their brood, because they are entitled people who take offence easily...

I didn't suggest you HAVE to invite abusers! These are, lets face it vanishingly unlikely to be children! You don't have to invite anyone, at all. But, I personally think "child free" is unpleasant. That's my opinion.

Trinity66 · 06/04/2018 12:40

shouldn't then have a strop when the family members can't attend due to childcare or preference. However, ime they do.
I never said they should

JeSaisPas · 06/04/2018 12:40

you obviously don't like them very much, so why do you want them there?

BlueSapp I couldn't give a stuff but they are my DP's close family and I want him to be happy and feel loved on his wedding day.

PartyRingss · 06/04/2018 12:41

If I got married again I don't know if I'd want little kids there tbh. I had them at my (small) wedding when mine were just 1 and 4 years old because the people I invited had little kids also and I could hardly just have mine and no one else's. But I found the kids stressful because one kept making silly noises throughout the ceremony and when we walked "back" down the aisle, I wanted a nice picture of me and him but instead there was 4 or 5 kids (3 were bridesmaids) hanging off us and I couldn't throw a strop and tell them to step aside because the moment had gone. I've never know bridesmaids to walk with the bride and groom back down the aisle as they are walking out, they usually walk behind after.

I only had 20 people at the wedding breakfast and the kids got bored so kept running around the table or trying to climb under it. The evening do meant more children and they took the balloons off the tables and were running around with them in a massive bunch. The parents were either too busy getting drunk or they were stressing.

If I get married again to my dp, my kids are older now so it would be completely different and I don't think I would want little kids there. My sister (who is childless) didn't have any at her wedding and it meant the adults could relax and have a nice time with worrying about kids and none of her nice decorations were spoilt plus there was no crying/tired/over hyped kids running around or getting bored. She could have a nice sit down dinner for a few hours without kids getting restless and bored too.