People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

[Timeforachange2018]

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

Kids are often bored out of their minds at weddings even if they have a part in the ceremony, plus uncomfortable in nice clothes if it's a more formal wedding. For those reasons alone I don't see why people would be offended the kids can't come.

My husband and I had a small wedding. With my Mom's family, I honestly would have needed to win the lottery first to have been able to invite all their children...there's just sooooooo many of them. 😅

I would say his cousin probably doesn't feel very cared about since you knew she wouldn't be able to come which is probably why they are all taking her side. But probably you'll have to give in and let the kids come if you want them to come.

Oh BlueSapp do bore off. She is perfectly able to attend, lives 10 minutes down the road and has ample free childcare options (we know this for a fact). There is a difference between being unable to attend and choosing not to attend on principle, which is her case. If you'd read my posts instead of working out ways to be goady, you'd know that.

Anyone who gives me an ultimatum about an event I've been kind enough to invite them to is no longer welcome. We only want people there who wish us love and happiness, not people who would be mean and rude because we can't afford to invite 25 DC to our day.

I have been invited to child free weddings and have no issue with them. its the bride and grooms choice. However my own wedding included children as it was very family orientated and lots of children are part of our family.

Same happened with my friend. She had a very exclusive wedding, 4 hours away from where she lived, and did not invite her grandparents and several of her aunts/uncles/cousins. But chose some she wanted to invite. It caused absolute murder. Her reason was that she couldnt fit everyone in so had to choose her favourites!! Her mother (whose parents she had no issue with but didnt invite as "its too far for them to travel" has barely spoken to her since). She also banned all children. Except her nieces and nephews. And her daughter. And the children of some friends. And a colleagues child because she couldn't find childcare. It turned out about 10 children there and some guests, who had paid for childcare and travelled so far, werent happy about the blatant favouritism and change of rules for some.

Not everyone wants a massive ‘family’ wedding. We wanted a quiet small do.

If we’d have invited everyone’s children it’d have tripled the reception budget. The venue wasn’t child friendly either.

We were quite ok with people declining due to no childcare - it was an invite not a summons as they say. In turn we’ve declined weddings due to no childcare ourselves - it’s just how it is.

Have the day you want, that fits within your budget.

I had a child-free wedding, luckily no children in the family at that point and only DH’s friends had them, none of which were babes in arms. I didn’t want children there as I had none in my family, no experience of them and I just didn’t want it for my wedding. Had a close friend asked if she could bring her BF baby, then of course we would’ve made exceptions.

Since having DS I’ve been to countless weddings, some which he’s been invited to, but only only which he’s attended at 20 months. I only brought him because DH and I had been away all of the previous weekend at another wedding, and we didn’t fancy leaving him again for another whole weekend. Plus this was a family wedding and so DPs and DSis were on hand. It was a nightmare! The ceremony was of course not timed around his nap (why would it be!) and although DS is a delight and doesn’t kick off, of course he didn’t want to sit nicely in a church waiting for the bride, or sit nicely during the ceremony, or the meal, or the speeches. So poor DH missed most of the day as he was trekking round after DS, to make sure he didn’t spoil anyone else’s day. Toddlers and weddings definitely don’t mix!

It’s very understandable that couples want child-free weddings, and I don’t understand it any less since having DS. If you can’t or don’t want to arrange childcare, don’t go!

I'm with those posters who can't understand why people are so offended by this. I can't get on board with the whole "we come as a package" thing either. Does that apply to a girls night out as well? Sorry, but I do think that people who are offended by it are simply deluding themselves that everyone should find their offspring as interesting as they do. I don't even find my own children interesting enough to take to a wedding. I love playing with my kids, talking to my kids, going holiday with my kids. But trying to keep my children entertained whilst catching up with adults who I may not have seen in ages, and usually, at least 4-5 of my very best friends? No thank you.

*only one which he has attended

To those talking of 'destination' weddings abroad. I got married abroad. It was either me or DH, as we're from different countries.

Him being from the south of France, where not only were we almost guaranteed good weather, but the cost of things was way lower than in the UK.

Only one couple on the UK side didn't come for 'childcare' reasons. She still won't leave the kids (even the eldest - 9) overnight with anyone, not even their Dad

JeSaisPas quit crying FFS

I've been invited to two weddings neither are having children there and within a month of each other, my best friend and my cousins in my hometown, which is 250 miles away from where I live. My daughter is 8 and diabetic the 1st wedding is not a problem because it's late afternoon and my mum can sit (we will have to leave and come back to do injections) the second one is mid week so my husband would have to take time off work unpaid (selfemployed) and there is no way my in laws could do my daughter's carb counting and injections for 3 days. Part of me is slightly annoyed but it's there wedding it's up to them.

@expat - thanks, I know that. I have turned down invites that I can't afford. I have also attended things that I can afford, but don't particularly like.

Weirdly enough, these people are my friends, which is why I'm willing to put myself out for them, even if it's not to my ideal tastes, because we enjoy each other's company. What I do expect in return is that the same person makes me a priority occasionally, or at least has a reasonable justification not to. Otherwise what is the point?

What I think needs equalising is that the people who do things first don't always appreciate that the circumstances in which they did things are frequently much less burdened than the people who do it later.

I do think it is their choice but I also think if you know a close friend is breast feeding it's crazy to expect them to be apart from their baby for a whole day and night... I had children at my wedding before I had my own and it made the parents happier and stay longer!

Child free weddings are a massive pain in the arse. In what way are they 'keeping costs down'?

My cousin did this. We had to travel miles (north of Scotland from NW England), stay in an expensive hotel and kids were welcome if absolutely necessary but not to the meal, speeches etc, so we had to pay the hotel for childminders. Only realised afterwards it was to not pay for kids meals but they were young enough to just sit with us and not eat adult food.

It sets people off on the wrong foot I think. I started out with them as a married couple in my family thinking that they were selfish and didn't really care about my family

I agree with you the cats - it's something I've noticed, too, and which I try and be mindful of. There was just so much more excitement about mine and the other 'first' weddings, hen nights, etc. and while that's understandable to an extent it makes me feel sad for the friends getting married later - I try and always ask them about plans, etc. as I've noticed people don't seem to as much.

I do wonder how kids are supposed to learn how to behave at formal events if they never get to go to any tbh
Ours have been all over and maybe I am an old-fashioned hag-mother, but they wouldn't have embarrassed me or themselves by misbehaving.

I think the idea that a wedding must be a family event is a throw back to the times when marriage was the only way to make a family. You got married, your parents organised the wedding reception /party (if you had one, many working class /poorer people didn't, it was perfectly normal to just do the church bit until the 1960s). The bride and groom were effectively guests at their own wedding that had been arranged by parents.

These days, the couple usually have lived together before hand. If they want to have DCs without bothering to get married, it's not a scandal. The idea of parents paying for weddings is dying out, and most people expect weddings to be a party with food, drink and entertainment (if only a DJ and space to dance) provided.

In the 80s, I went to many a wedding in my working class dad's extensive family, but to the wedding and then a buffet, not a sit down meal for hundreds, and children left after the first dance, if there was a gap between the meal and the evening do, children never went to the evening do.

Child free weddings are a massive pain in the arse. In what way are they 'keeping costs down'?

It was x amount per place for ours. Regardless of if it was a child, or an adult. If we’d have invited everyone’s children we would have either had to cut the guest list by 2/3 or triple the budget.
We wanted a small wedding, we had no kids at the time in the immediate family. we wanted it child free and 95% of the guests came along and enjoyed a child free night. The venue wasn’t child safe or child friendly. The ones that couldn’t couldn’t come, we spoke on the phone and it was all fine. No hysterics, drama or bad feeling. We knew that some wouldn’t be able to come and that was fine.

Weddings that are massive and stressful baffle me - so much strife and stress when you could just have it low key. And I’m sure some people would have the opposite idea and that’s fine too. Because everyone is different and what other people want for their weddingvis up to them. What We wanted for our wedding was up to us.

Fwiw I’d find taking ds to a weddingvreally stressful - I’d be waiting to whisk him out of the church at the first peep of noise and be watching him like a hawk all day so he didn’t spill/put sticky paws on someone’s nice frock . Where’s the fun in that??

What a lot of different attitudes. As o said above I do enjoy family type weddings but I wouldn't necessarily take a child of mine to a wedding even if welcome unless they were still breast fed or close family/ friends or if I knew that there would be a lot of children there as it can be a long day and rather dull for children. I cannot see what the objection to babies is and I have never heard of babies being excluded.i also have never been to an event where the children were all running about or being a nuisance, that would be annoying.

I am not offend by child free weddings it’s the couples choice, I had children at my wedding and they were all very well behaved, I wouldn’t attended a child free wedding Though.

oh and as well as weddings changing, relationship networks change. The last time I saw 1 of my cousins was 5 years ago at a funeral. I've seen another 2 more recently - 2 years ago. I have only ever met DH's cousins at our wedding, his brother's wedding and his Gran's funeral. They live 20 minutes drive away but are not part of our social life at all.

The days of your social life being family based, families all living within a few miles of each other and that being their lives as adults are long gone for most people.

It's odd that we are then expected to make our wedding days about providing a family social event. Family ties just aren't that strong for many people anymore, yet at a wedding, we're supposed to pretend these people are a big part of our lives, when it's perfectly OK not to bother outside of that.

I honestly couldn't tell you what 4 of my cousins do for a living, and I only know another 2's jobs because I assume they've carried on with the careers their vocational degrees lead to. On the other hand, other than 1 of the woman on my hen do I've lost touch with once she broke up with the close friend of DH she was living with at the time, the others I'm all in regular contact with, if not seeing directly, emails and text messages about their lives and DCs, I've been married nearly 11 years.

I don't really buy the cost thing. Someone I know got married a couple of years ago, very expensive venue/wine/menu/overnight accommodation. At a meeting for booking the whole event they were told the children would cost 50% of adult cost. The Groom said no, they picked children's meal from the hotel's normal menu and said that is what they children are having and that is what we are paying. Short lived standoff and venue gave in. How mad would it be to turn down a five figure booking because someone won't pay £40 for a meal for a 2 year old.

So if people want children there but are put off by the cost try it, you don't get if you don't ask (demand.)

I agree that people should be able to have the wedding they want, including child free. I also believe that people should be able to decline that wedding invitation without any bad feeling from the bride and groom if they feel it is too much hassle. It also depends on the wedding. Some of my friends got married in a registry office and then went out for drinks. I am happy to get a babysitter for that. If I was invited to a wedding miles away and my DC were included then I'd make a nice short break out of it. I don't have family who can look after my DC for a whole day or weekend and so I would have to decline if it was a child free wedding.

With regards to children not wanting/being able to sit through the wedding, I wonder if people not going to church so much nowadays has made a difference? I was born in early 50s and was taken to Mass every Sunday from when I was 3 days old and was Baptized at the end of the service, it was considered very important to have Baptism as soon as possible and 3 days didn't seem to be considered unusual. One of my earliest memories is being in my dad's arms in a crowded church, standing room only during Sunday Mass.

Sitting through a wedding wouldn't have been a problem. Sitting quietly in church was second nature.

It's not just the cost of the meal though - if you go over a certain number, many venues need you to hire a bigger, more expensive room - or indeed can't use a smaller, cheaper venue.

CoffeeorSleep - excellent point about the obsession with 'family' at weddings being a throwback to the days when people generally stayed close to where they had grown up and therefore knew most of their relatives quite well.

I'm always quite suspicious of people who still live like that - all the aunties and cousins and primary school friends in the same couple of miles - these people tend to be insular as fuck, with the imagination of houseplants and, if you were born into one of those families but got lucky in terms of intelligence and drive, your childhood and especially your adolescence would generally be hellish.

If people want to have a small-but-fancy adults only wedding, good luck to them. There's no moral superiority in having it in some damp community centre with a buffet of own-brand sausage rolls and soggy crisps just so you can invite a load of people you don't really give a toss about but happen to be related to you.