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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

493 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 06/04/2018 08:49

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

OP posts:
HadronCollider · 08/04/2018 23:44

Time that is Shock. You should have taken the 'fuck off' option. Bloody insensitive and so entitled.

Blackbirdblue30 · 08/04/2018 23:45

Unless you are willing to host the kind of wedding that is essentially a children's party too, small children wreck weddings. Have seen it over and over again. Why would any parent even want to bring a pre-schooler out for a late night that they won't even remember and no-one benefits from? It's beyond me, as is people getting mortally offended when their delightful offspring aren't on the guest list for an adult event.

Blackbirdblue30 · 08/04/2018 23:46

One of the last weddings I was at, an unattended small child shat under a table. 😩

JustKeepStumbling · 08/04/2018 23:53

We are having a child free wedding other than immediate family and one friend who will have a very young baby. I don’t massively like younger children and unfortunately my experience of various group outings with friends who have younger kids shows me that they have little control over them or don’t seem to care if they totally take over proceedings. So quite an easy decision for us really. Have also been to weddings where I’ve not been able to hear the service due to kids chatting or babies crying and parents not thinking to either keep them quiet or take them outside if they are bored/too young to understand. We are also older which means so many friends have kids that if they all came it would have been approx 40 kids which would be ridiculous and about a third of our numbers! It’s a wedding not a nursery trip out!

Slanetylor · 08/04/2018 23:55

I didn’t mean that if a single parent couldn’t find a babysitter that would be the end of my friendship. I was referring to someone who wouldn’t go to a good friends wedding without her husband. As in, someone who would prefer not to come rather than come without her husband, or who would only come if husband, baby and toddler could come too. I didn’t have a child free wedding, I think children should be invited to weddings but I respect if the couple would prefer a child free wedding. And if their best friends get offended by that i do feel that’s petty. In most cases there’s an easy answer to babysitting if all else fails. Your spouse. Not for your second cousins wedding now, but for your BEST FRIEND. I realise babysitting is a tough one and I’ve turned down invites because I couldn’t afford a babysitter or it was too much faff. But for my best friends wedding I’d find a way to be there without being cranky about it. I’d wear the horrid peach bridesmaids dress with a smile. I’d FaceTime my husband and kids and I’d be there for her.

m0therofdragons · 09/04/2018 00:02

I would always expect friend's weddings to be child free but if it was close family I would be really disappointed rather than offended if dc weren't invited. However I appreciate that says more about my family than anything else.

Thinking about the last 3 weddings I attended:

1, my 3 dds were bridesmaids (11 bridesmaids in total who all behaved perfectly during sit down meal).

2, my 3 dd were bridesmaids again and there were about 150 guests 6 of whom were dc (my 3 plus 3 siblings from another family) again all brilliantly behaved. Dh's 19 year old cousin and 50 year old aunt however behaved appallingly.

3, family dc only so one 2 year old. She behaved as you'd expect a 2 yo to but actually more dc would probably have helped. It was lovely and tantruming dc wasn't my problem to deal with so didn't bother me. Parents removed her appropriately.

The more I think about it the more I realise that all the weddings we've attended bar 2 (friend but not close and a work colleague) gave included invites for my dc - even when twins were 3 and danced until midnight. How very un mumsnetty

cupcakesandglitter · 09/04/2018 00:14

My husband and I decided we didn't want children at our wedding.... it caused a STORM!

We couldn't understand it - it was our special day and so we had it how we wanted it!

My mom had friends who broke off with her because they weren't invited with their kids 😂😂 grown women!

Hillingdon · 09/04/2018 10:00

Don't these threads gets rather tiresome. Some people think they are exceptions to a child free wedding because of this and that. Everyone claims that their kids are beautifully behaved and don't put a foot wrong even at 2.

Surely your wedding is your wedding, have it the way you want. Its one day. Everyone else will get over it. Most people have their own issues in life and being invited (or not!) to a wedding with or without kids shouldn't be the be all and end all of your life!

Having been to numerous weddings the ones I liked where the upmarket often smallish weddings - a grown up affair. The ones I do remember are the child being breast fed at the front of the church when the vows were being read and every so often the Mum turning around to the congregation and mouthing 'sorry', and the 3 year old who ran on to the dance floor during the first dance. Stepped on the brides train and was eventually carried off screaming.

The thing is the vows cannot be done again, the first dance cannot really be started again, the best mans speech cannot be repeated just because a child shouts out or screams. At 2 they really don't know what is going on.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/04/2018 12:47

They do Hillingdon.
In my parallel world parents of badly behaved children either try and make them behave or remove them. My niece was just coming up to 2 when OH and I got married. She uttered not a squeak in church.

I have also never met a bridezilla in real life. They only seem to exist on MN.

expatinscotland · 09/04/2018 13:18

I agree, Hillingdon. So many think their sprogs can do no wrong, or worse, film something like the 3-year-old stepping on the train and upload it immediately as something that's oh so cute. Or use someone's event or business - a wedding, a funeral, a pub - as a learning experience about life for their toddler.

Some people just don't like kids, or other people's kids, or don't want them at their wedding, for any reason. That's fine. They have a childfree wedding. Don't like it, don't go.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 10/04/2018 05:58

It's absolutely fine to have whatever sort of wedding you want to have. Its also absolutely fine for someone to decline an invite.

What isn't fine is for people to stipulate who others should invite to their event, be it a wedding or not. And it isn't fine to stipulate how others should live their lives, be it changing how they feed their baby or something else.

We had a child free wedding, because that was what we wanted. We would do exactly the same if we were getting married now. Nothing to do with parents wanting a day off and everything to do with us just not wanting hoardes of children there. We did allow any children to come to the evening bit, and plenty did.

greendale17 · 10/04/2018 06:34

So OP say if you were invited to a wedding but your partner wasn’t invited would you mind? Because that is the same thing

FlindersKeepers · 10/04/2018 06:53

Cobblers is no kids the same as no partner, unless a new baby.
And there are some cases where a plus one isn't sustainable either.

Otherwise you might as well go outside with a nutribullet, feed it fivers which you then tip down the drain. That would probably be more entertaining for many children too. And adults to be honest.

A wedding invitation is an invitation.
Not a court summons.
Guests can't demand invites, hosts can't complain at responses.

CoffeeOrSleep · 10/04/2018 07:12

The people who find it offensive for their dcs not to be invited to everything (regardless of childcare issues or not) are the sort who beige they had dcs would bring their DH along on a girls night out.

LancashireTea · 10/04/2018 09:17

My OH and I are getting married this year and have a DD already. We made the decision (partly due to our venue choice, partly money and partly logistically) to only have the immediate family children at the wedding. My Dd sees her cousins fairly frequently so they all play together. We are also having my OH's cousins kids as they also play with DD and thus they are part of the group.

Between us we both have huge families and tbh if we invite all of the kids as well we would be adding another 30odd to the list. Which we can't fit into the venue or afford to feed. This is not a frivolous affiar, we have a small budget.

It's a shame and we have had some of my family who can't come (they'd not be coming either way though, they have 5 kids and a pretty brassic and I live 250 miles away from home as it is so can't afford it for the 7 of them anyway) but we also have some family who can't come and they don't have kids.

We are not offended as we have had to turn things down ourselves either due to work or childcare. It doesn't mean we like anyone a bit less and if people are offended then that says more about them than us.

LancashireTea · 10/04/2018 09:23

And fwiw, I love not taking DD to a wedding. It means I can relax and see my friends. But if we couldn't get childcare (my parents live 250 miles away) then one of us would go alone or we would decline and send a gift anyway.
DD is fun but is a little monster if she gets overtired and overwhelmed. I'd not want to inflict her on other people when they are having an important day in their lives. Saying that she is well behaved when we do have big family events, as long as they don't go on too late.

Kilo3 · 10/04/2018 14:16

Children are people too

Yes, and so are elderly people who don't want to be navigating around oblivious toddlers!
Most of our friends/family have much older children or none at all (by choice I might add) so it seems a little unfair to inflict a handful of loud, abnoxious children on 99% of the rest of the guests. I'd rather my older relatives/friends enjoyed the day with us than be drowned out by screeching children and wishing they could get away.

Having said that, I have nothing against children at weddings as long as they can behave and not spoil things. My niece and nephew (5 and 8) are angels and would be a wonderful addition to the day, my cousin on the other hand (also 8) is a complete brat and has spoilt many family gatherings (including my grandmother's funeral, for which my mother hasn't forgiven my uncle for at all). However, could we invite the other children and not him? It's a diplomatic minefield, and unfortunately it is easier to blanket ban than pick and choose.

HadronCollider · 10/04/2018 16:00

Don't get me wrong, one thing I cannot stand is toddlers running amock while parents smile indulgently. Gets my goat up no end and I will avoid cafes inhabited by toddlers with parents who feel they double as play centres.

So I guess if you know the parents have loose standards for disiplining their children's behaviour, then yeah avoid inviting them, but excluding children full stop seems against the spirit of a wedding in my opinion.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2018 16:02

but excluding children full stop seems against the spirit of a wedding in my opinion.

That's you dictating what the 'spirit of a wedding' is though. Many people don't agree with you and when it's their wedding, they get to decide.

HadronCollider · 10/04/2018 16:11

Yes they do get to decide. No they don't agree with me, that's the point of the thread. The OP asked: Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people? As in a question. I'm giving my opinion, which is what was asked for. Notice I finished my last comment by saying in my opinion thereby acknowledging others think differently. Goodness!!

Caspiana · 10/04/2018 17:14

Although on a previous page @hadroncollider did you not say such people were selfish and narcissistic?

HadronCollider · 10/04/2018 18:14

I said the trend of no children invites were reflective of an increasingly me focused, selfish and narcissistic society. I still think that, but that is my opinion. You're entitled to say my opinion is complete shite for whatever reason you want as it is AIBU. But not that I don't have a right to give it.

Caspiana · 10/04/2018 18:30

Of course you have a right to give it, and no one has said you haven’t. But it was somewhat more forceful than your post suggesting you acknowledge people think differently - perhaps you do but think anyone who disagrees is selfish and narcissistic and has insulted you by not inviting your children.

Whisky2014 · 10/04/2018 18:47

The fact is...everyone elses kids are annoying and no one cares about them. Truth hurts.
The "trend" of no kids at weddings has probably increased because more and more people are paying for their own wedding instead of the brides father and the couple realise that actually....they do get to choose whose invited and they dont want bloody children there! A kid doesnt give a fuck if the couple are getting married or not. They just want to stick their fingers on the cake and run around the dancefloor. Fuck that

expatinscotland · 10/04/2018 18:52

Pretty much, Whisky.