People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

[Timeforachange2018]

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

I'm not demanding they do anything. But if you insist that you're too 'special' to invite children, then I'll do the same and insist that I'm too special to go without mine.

caspiana I get where you’re coming from about not getting those moments back. I already said up thread my niece yelled and banged a plastic toy on the chair in front throughout our vows. It was very distracting and certainly not something I look back on fondly. I really wish someone had taken her out instead of the parents sitting smiling at her thinking she was cute. I do believe it’s a moment for the bride and groom and the noise spoilt it, it certainly wasn’t a moment for my sil to beam round at the other guests at her daughters antics and do nothing to keep her quiet or take her out.

Every bride and groom has the right to the kind of ceremony that suits them.

Their choice may not suit everyone and that's ok. No one is obliged to go.

In reality, I suspect most B&Gs are influenced by the lifestage they/their closest circle are at themselves. We had a child free wedding and loved it. The venue was not child friendly in the slightest, so it seemed sensible. But most of our circle didn't have kids at that point. I have some older cousins who came without their children though.

If we were to get married now (6 years on) it would be really different.

hadron nah if it meant theres no kids there...fine by me!

Youre life is not all about yours kids. You can have a life without them too!

I think weddings with a ban on children are very strange but that’s just the way I was brought up - with massive Irish weddings and all the cousins getting together to skid around the dance floor. Amazing times.

The more I read these threads, the more I realise how very silly weddings really are. Odd outdated ritual that must have guests to see it and celebrate.

I never bothered myself.

YANBU

Youre life is not all about yours kids. You can have a life without them too!

Oh certainly! But it's the principle I object to. I see the trend of 'adult only' wedding invites as mirroring a general trend in society that individuals are more important than society, or family for that matter actually. I mean children are people too. As I child (before excluding children became popular) I went to loads of weddings and can remember them all with affection.

I think its a symptom of the 'because you're worth it' culture that has become incredibly prevalent today. Over the past couple of decades weddings have become increasingly materialistic focused, and demands on attendees have become increasingly onerous. People focus more (my opinion) these days on the day than they do on the marriage, and now within the day itself they concentrate more on themselves.

Some peole have mentioned expense for not inviting children, which is understandable to a certain degree, but then others have mentioned aesthetics. Children mess up the picture perfect image they have in their minds. That's their perogative, but I won't put myself out finding CC or leaving partners behind, or rearranging work because you find the presence of my kids aesthetically distracting.

Love a kid friendly wedding with whole family, howling babies, too much drink, dreadful disco, tears and laughter.

I don't think there's necessarily any connection between B&G being more materialistic/overly focused on 'the day' and not wanting kids there.

Lots of people don't particularly enjoy the company of kids, don't want to have to factor in 'amusing them' on their wedding day, or want to prioritise long standing friends over friends' toddlers. It's as simple as that for many people.

Of course you don't have to go on those terms if you don't want to.

Me too tiny

I agree with HadronCollider's last post and Tinycitrus. Although I wouldn't be offended at being invited to a child free wedding anyway, I agree that the focus of it being all about the bride and groom has gone too far.

@hadroncollider

Our wedding wasn’t child free, we had family children and young babies but we didn’t invite all of the children of our guests because it was around 70 (I forget the exact number) most of whom were under 5. That turns the day into something very different, and not something we wanted. There is daylight between child free and having everyone’s entire family along.

We were not ‘too special’ to invite children, and we did invite some, but I really cannot see how it is “narcissisic” not to invite every single child (which I assume is what you are angling for given you won’t go to any wedding without your children regardless of how you know the couple, and indeed you find it ‘insulting’ to even be asked). We did not want our wedding day to be a glorified children’s party. Fair enough if people do - I wouldn’t enjoy it as much, but I’m a seemingly increasingly rare breed of person who doesn’t expect other people’s weddings to revolve around me. So if that’s what the b&g want, I’ll go and do my best to enjoy making small talk with a 6 year old at the wedding breakfast.

I cannot see how the 4 year old child that I have never met of a non family guest has anything to do with families coming together.

If they’re keeping it small chances are it’s not financially viable for them rather than anything else. I know somebody who wouldn’t invite children to a funeral and wake and in the end we discovered it was a money issue. I’d decline purely because of childcare, but I wouldn’t be mad about it and I highly doubt they would be either

@lauriemarlow

Exactly. It isn’t the same thing at all.

@tinycitrus that’s absolutely fine that you love a wedding like that! People enjoy different things. It’s the attitude of anyone who enjoys a different type of wedding must be an awful person that I find so ludicrous. We all like different things and should be able to respect that instead of hurling insults at anyone who has a different preference (which you haven’t but others have).

We did not want our wedding day to be a glorified children’s party.

I think this is a perfectly reasonable position and not at all driven by materialism or wanting it to be 'me, me, me'.

Once you have kids, your whole world view tends to shift quite considerably and they obviously become a focal point.

But lots of people pre-kids don't feel like that and if it's their wedding day, then that should be respected.

But lots of people pre-kids don't feel like that and if it's their wedding day, then that should be respected.

It isn’t only people without children who havd child free (except for their own) weddings.

It isn’t only people without children who havd child free (except for their own) weddings

True, same goes for them.

“You have enough notice to arrange something”

Yeah, this one always makes me laugh. If we want childcare of any sort, we have to pay for it, and it would be a sitter, no way we could locate or afford overnight care. There would be zero chance I'm going to pay a sitter to go to a wedding.

YANBU. It's up to the bride and groom who they invite. I had a child-free cocktail party when i got married, it was a stylish adult event and I didn't want children screaming or running around or guests leaving early to take them home. A wedding that includes children has a very different atmosphere and that's not what I wanted. At the time I had no children myself though!

Reading all of this makes me almost want to give back the ring I received last weekend.
Almost.

My fiancé has nearly grown children, I have none. We are both late mid forties. My first marriage, his second (divorced long before me).
We also live outside the countries of our births, we will wed where we are.
The likely venue is small and will have log fires at night, it is not toddler friendly.

Our guests in the main are also out of the actively parenting years or have teens. So it fits.

If someone won't come due to distance, cost, childcare or because they are washing their hair, if they tell me then OK,
that is fair enough. I understand. I have also sent best wishes instead several times.

Demands and ultimatums on either side aren't great. Guess it comes back to the eternal: don't be a cock.

When weddings were village hall food put on locally didn't make much difference for a few extra kids but now the rates hotels etc charge are per head and where people marry later, both work they have more friends and colleagues to invite which ramps up cost. It would have cost extra £1000 for us as would have needed bigger function room so we said no kids. You can't please everyone whatever you do so people just have to do what suits them and budget.

My first wedding was a traditional type of thing. My parents paid. I was told what dress to buy and that I was having my cousins daughters for bridesmaids, along with my SIL as a matron of honour. I had moved to another part of the country after leaving Uni so had only met my cousins children once before. My SIL and I had taken an instant dislike to each other on sight a few years previously. However, none of thst was relevant to my parents.

We were married in the village church where my brother and I were christened - but which I had visited once in the 20 odd years since then (and thst was my brother's wedding the year before). The reception was a sit down meal in the drawing room of my parents country house.

I had no say in the guest list. The speech that my mother wrote for my father to give failed to mention anything about my recent graduation and budding career and instead was concentrated on how they expected grandchildren soon.

The guest list contained various cousins, other distant relatives and my parents friends on my side and similar on the grooms. There were about 30 children who I'd never met and 5 of these were babes in arms who periodically got dumped in my arms so I could practice.

A few days before my wedding I had been told that I was infertile and not even IVF would work. I was devastated.

Many years later And I'm in a new relationship with a lovely, lovely man and we are planning in getting married next year.

This time I, looking forward to choosing guests myself, as well as the venue, my dress, my flowers and everything else (my fiancé is happy to go along with what I want as he doesn't care as long as we marry).

Over the preceding 20 odd years I've come to terms with not being able to have children and we've decided that we don't want them at our wedding. Any children. Especially my nephews who are, frankly, horrible spoilt little brats who have no manners.

I want our day to be about us, our love for each other and the life that we have built, together. When we say out vows we don't want them drowned out by squeals and screams. I a, not inviting any member of my family because I am not close to them and have not seen most of them since my last wedding. If that makes me a bridezilla, so be it.

I am really laid back about these things but if my friend turned down my wedding invite because she couldn’t find a babysitter that would be the end of our relationship. More that I would consider it so pathetic that she couldn’t come to such s big event in my life without a man more than anything else. This is in response to a poster who couldn’t go to a college friends wedding because she couldn’t let her husband at home with the kids. Surely it would be filled with friends. Why this need to be in someone’s arm? I don’t understand. I’m not sure about kids and weddings, either way is tough. Bring them and they’ll hate bring out from midday to 5 am ( if it’s any kind of wedding at all), or pay s babysitter for 24 hours minimum babysitting. The solution of course is to get married really young while your friends are all child free.

What a horrible attitude slane

Weddings possibly used to be more "child friendly" many years ago, but children had better manners there too

My thoughts exactly but I didn't dare say it.