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Original poster

People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

493 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 06/04/2018 08:49

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

OP posts:
tissuesosoft · 08/04/2018 10:18

DP and I have been invited to a childfree wedding this year- the bride and groom want a wedding where parents can relax and not have to run around after kids which is fair enough and their decision. However it’s in a town nowhere near where any of the people invited live (and nowhere near where the B and G live), on a Sunday, the local hotels are £100 a night etc. So we would have to go on the Saturday and stay till the Monday (we don’t drive and the trains there are not frequent, no buses and the taxis are extortionate), no one to babysit DD as my parents work and don’t live near the venue, still have to pay the Childminder for the Monday and use a day of annual leave for the Monday. I’ve told DP to go without me (the groom is a very close friend of his) but he will still need to pay out a lot.
Completely get child free weddings but at least think through the logistics for the guests!

Snoreyhell · 08/04/2018 10:22

I think weddings are all about two families coming together. Those getting married can please themselves ultimately but I always think child free weddings are a little sad. I had children at my wedding- perfectly well behaved and lovely. If they hadn't been that would be ok and if they'd shouted out during the vows they'd have given us something to talk about all these years later!
I wouldn't be able to go to a wedding without my children and I wouldn't want to to be honest. Strangely enough, I actually like my children.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/04/2018 10:24

“The only people who make a song and dance about child free weddings are those parents who think the world revolves around their children”

No. You are wrong GoodStuffToFind
Bridezillas who make a fuss because their guests can’t get childcare or whose guests have newborn breastfed babies and can’t just leave them for several hours get just as offended.

“as the day is about me and my husband”

Now, I don’t subscribe to that view at all. Yes, the couple are and should be the centre of attention, but the day isn’t or shouldn’t be entirely all about them with no thought or consideration at all for the guests.
If you invite people to an event you are the hosts, so it is as much about making your guests feel welcome as it is about your own celebration. EdithBond’s post is spot on.

For the record, it wouldn’t bother me if we receive an invitation to a child free wedding. DD is 17 and is perfectly capable of amusing herself for the day. I just get irritated by the selfishness on the part of bridezillas and guests wanting it all their own way with no give and take on either side.

“You have enough notice to arrange something”

What don’t you understand about it not always being that easy? When DD was little there was absolutely no-one I would have left her with. I just didn’t know or trust anyone that well.

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2018 10:24

Strangely enough, I actually like my children

And people that don’t want to spend every social event with them don’t? Hmm

Snoreyhell · 08/04/2018 10:28

purple

I think bride and grooms who assume people want a "day off" from them don't appreciate that.

peacheachpearplum · 08/04/2018 10:32

peach - you are still assuming that childfree smaller weddings are about showing off, not because the smaller venue and numbers are already the cheaper option. I'm not assuming that at all, I'm just saying the bride and groom choose what they want. They aren't forced to have children there, they aren't forced to choose a smaller venue that is more than they can afford if they invite children. I think the main thing is they don't need to make excuses, they don't need to explain. Invite who you want but own your own decision.

Bridezilla2be · 08/04/2018 10:32

I just get irritated by the selfishness on the part of bridezillas and guests wanting it all their own way with no give and take on either side.

This. It is about give and take like with every other event in life. But for some reason weddings make people completely blinkered!

It is completely up to the bride and groom who to invite and completely up to each guest whether to accept. I don’t get why either side gets offended to the point people argue or even stop talking to each other regardless of all the other time they’ve spent together. Shock

Guests should either accept or decline politely and the bride and groom should accept their decision politely!

ziggy1986 · 08/04/2018 10:37

I am not really having children at my wedding - children of family only so 5 kids in total.

If a friend said to me they were having childcare issues I would try and accommodate that but my starting point is no children (other than family) simply because most of our friends have children and the wedding would end up being lots and lots of children. We wouldn’t be able to have the adults we wanted there because of the large number of children. It’s not a children’s party at the end of the day.

However if someone was unwilling to arrange childcare for the day then I absolutely would be fine with that choice not to arrange childcare. Because childcare is usually possible in some shape or form, even if it means your partner stays at home and you attend on your own. If you chose not to do that then fair enough.

If that is “cunt-ish” then so be it.

LBOCS2 · 08/04/2018 10:38

I almost fell out with a close friend of mine over this. She dropped into a conversation that her wedding was going to be childfree - which is of course, absolutely her prerogative. But when I said, in very straightforward terms, that that was absolutely fine but there was a good chance I wouldn't be able to make it, she found it very difficult to accept. Her wedding was two days before Christmas, my in laws work in retail, my DM is dead and my DDad goes away for Christmas. So we had no one to take them, it was as simple as that.

I got "but all my uni friends are looking forward to a day away from their children" as well. Ah yes, those friends who get a huge amount of parental help? 🙄 That's nice for them.

If you're going to have a childfree wedding, you shouldn't be surprised when people with children don't come. It's not rocket science.

Tinycitrus · 08/04/2018 10:41

a friend with a six week old BF baby was told she couldn’t bring it as it was the ‘bride and groom’s day.’ She then said she wouldn’t go but was then pressured into going as it was a family wedding.

In the end she brought her mother who
Sat in a hotel room with baby while she attended the ceremony and dinner - nipping back to feed etc - and then drove 100 miles home while her husband stayed for the evening.

It’s affected family relationships ever since.

ziggy1986 · 08/04/2018 10:43

@Tinycitrus in that situation I would absolutely tell them to bring the baby.

There has to be some give and take.

Hypermice · 08/04/2018 10:45

See both those examples are unreasonable because the person having the wedding is totally allowed to say no kids (we did) but then also has to accept that that means some won’t come (again we did, no problem.)

To say no kids and then throw a tantrum when people can’t attend is selfish.

Tinycitrus · 08/04/2018 10:51

Yes there were some tense phone calls along the lines of ‘surely you would like some time off’ and ‘couldn’t you just give it a bottle’ ‘We are only asking fir one day out of your life’ etc

Hmm
peacheachpearplum · 08/04/2018 10:54

ziggy you sound very reasonable, just to say that the trouble with making exceptions is that is can upset other people. Hopefully your friends/family are as reasonable as you and would understand.

I do think weddings have become a minefield. We had ten guests at our wedding, told them a few days before and they all came. I wore a favourite dress, DH wore his best suit, no wedding cars/cakes/flowers. One lovely friend knew all the plans and came with flowers for me. Thirty five years on I remember it as a fun, stress free day. No one was offended about not being invited so I thought a small wedding was the stress free option then a friend did something similar but even smaller. She did have a new dress and flowers but just two close friends so they could be witnesses. She got so much flack from family afterwards, it really spoilt it for her. You just can't predict how people will react but the worst weddi ng I went to ended up with a massive fight with a group of the groom's relatives brawling in the venue and the street with a group of the bride's family and friends. I was heavily pregnant and people were trying to keep them away from me, bride was crying. I think it was so traumatic and put me off weddings for life.

Whisky2014 · 08/04/2018 10:57

There are no rules. People just think there are. More fool them.

HadronCollider · 08/04/2018 10:58

the worst weddi ng I went to ended up with a massive fight with a group of the groom's relatives brawling in the venue and the street with a group of the bride's family and friends.

Depending on your point of view that's a great wedding!

curious86 · 08/04/2018 11:04

Maybe finding it interesting reading everyone's point of views.
The most thing that people are agreeing on is that everyone can make their own choice, which I fully agree with.

The only thing that is annoying me are the people that say the B&G are selfish for making the day about them, isn't this the point they want to experience the day they want together weather that is with children or not. Yes I no I have said in the past my day was about me and my husband but it was also about our guest, the ones we wanted there were there and I did have a couple who couldn't make it due to childcare but we did something together another time

Mellowingslowly · 08/04/2018 11:05

That's where I think it becomes unreasonable. I guess often the couple don't realise the mum can't just suddenly stop breastfeeding for the day (at least without leaking milk everywhere, which surely wouldn't add to their special day Smile) or that some bf babies won't take bottles. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for an exception to be made, so would just decline unless the invite stated babies in arms were welcome.

peacheachpearplum · 08/04/2018 11:09

Depending on your point of view that's a great wedding! I guess me being stone cold sober and 9 months pregnant stopped me enjoying it to the full. It actually was quite scary and not helped by DH not being there due to work commitments.

peacheachpearplum · 08/04/2018 11:11

The only thing that is annoying me are the people that say the B&G are selfish for making the day about them, isn't this the point they want to experience the day they want together weather that is with children or not. Yes I no I have said in the past my day was about me and my husband but it was also about our guest, the ones we wanted there were there and I did have a couple who couldn't make it due to childcare but we did something together another time I think what alot of people are saying is that the selfish bit is if they stamp their feet and demand you come even if you can't find childcare or can't afford it. You can't always have everything you want.

Tinycitrus · 08/04/2018 11:14

I suppose the other thing has that DP and I would rather die than have a day that was all about us Grin

HadronCollider · 08/04/2018 11:16

No I'm saying that its selfish full stop. Sign of the times and all that.

Abra1de · 08/04/2018 11:37

We had small babies and family children at ours, but frankly I chose close friends of over 20 years’ standing over the primary-school-ages children of friends whom I had only occasionally or never met.

Imagine telling a work friend of some years’ standing that they couldn’t come to my wedding because an unknown five-year-old belonging to a slightly closer friend had to be there. Nope.

Effendi · 08/04/2018 11:45

We had a child free wedding due to finances and also because I wanted a grown up day, not a kids party.

My previous experience of weddings with children were awful, noise in church, getting under peoples feet during the photos, running riot at the reception. All of this while the parents looked on indulgently.

My DH's brother and wife took huge offense that their child was to be excluded and they even made a special trip to our house to complain.
It was not about the lack of childcare, they are almost surgically attached to their child.

They didn't come and were no great loss to either of us.

Caspiana · 08/04/2018 12:27

@Tinycitrus in that situation I would absolutely tell them to bring the baby

Yeah I did that with a few of my friends with babies. One of them screamed as I walked down the aisle, which I was really looking forward to as a special 30 seconds with my dad, and it was ruined. I can never get it back. I support anyone who says no kids of any age because they are nervous of the disruption. I get the ebf kids can’t be left, totally fair enough and the b&g can’t complain at all if the parents don’t come. But being unable to attend because of childcare isn’t limited to babies ebf or otherwise.

I don’t know if I would change things if I had my time again, I really don’t. It’s academic as you only get one wedding ceremony and I can’t go back. But it is difficult and not as simple as “oh well of course babies can come even if it’s no kids”. I think people should respect the bride and groom’s wishes, as ultimately the day is important to them and significantly less so to most of their guests.

@hadroncollider I find it ironic you are calling other people narcissistic and selfish while demanding they host a very special day of their life in accordance with your requirements and wishes rather than their own.