People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

[Timeforachange2018]

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

I must admit I love the idea of weddings being an all-age occasion and children being part of it but at the same time many couples have valid reasons for wanting childfree:

-financial, as in case of the OP
-maybe one of them is infertile or they are childfree by "choice" due to health issues, so having children there could be a sensitive issue
-small venue

Am guessing there are more reasons than I have listed here:

User we went to a christening where there were a lot of children, they were seated together by age and a nanny took all the little ones outside after they had eaten to run around with a ball. It wasn't sophisticated entertainment but was perfect for the 4-9 year olds. The older ones stayed until the end of the meal but then went off to socialise together, I think they had a film and some squash in their own space.what I'm saying is that it wasn't complicated. It is really only the speeches bit that is difficult as when the dancing starts the children can join in.

My cousin is offended that we are not attending their wedding next month. It's childfree, and we have no childcare...it surprises me that they're surprised!

People seem so uptight about weddings these days - guest lists, menus, venues etc. And they're such big business. I'm shocked at how much people pay. I find marriage a very outdated concept. I'm not married and neither are most of my close friends and we're now well into middle age.

But why are people surprised when their family get upset at children in the family being excluded from a 'family wedding'? Surely it's obvious. People assume that the couple want those who mean the most to them to celebrate with them. So if anyone's excluded (or it's made difficult for them to attend) they're bound to feel hurt because they take it as a signal they don't mean enough to the couple. Of course it's up to you if you want to exclude people, but you have to accept it's bound to cause a bit if upset, even if people don't say anything.

If you want the wedding to be all about you, why have guests at all?
Why not get married quietly somewhere on your own, or have a few people there. If you want a 'traditional family wedding' then people do expect it should be inclusive and welcoming as tradition dictates (in some cultures the whole village is invited).

And as for being able to afford extra guests, the best weddings I've been to have been done on the cheap - in pubs, fields, community centres etc. with simple food but lots and lots of love, fun and happiness with all generations joining in.

I was invited along to a Berber wedding in Morocco many years ago and was made to feel so welcome even though I was a stranger to the couple. The happiness was so infectious, it's stayed with me to this day and I often think of them and hope they're still well and happy.

People can do what they want for their own weddings as long as they understand people may be unable to attend. I personally wouldn't want a child free wedding as to me it is a family affair. But I'd never be offended at a childfree invite, I don't know anyone who would be.
Only time I raised an eyebrow was when I said I couldn't go due to childcare (I was a newly single parent to an 18mo with no support and wasn't comfortable with a random babysitter). The bride said I was pathetic for "not being willing to go just because my son couldn't". We weren't friends after that! She did send a message when she became a newly single parent not long after the wedding apologising for how she spoke to me!
Before ex and I split I went to a wedding on my own and he stayed with our son. I thought nothing of it but some people thought it was wierd! I thought it was bliss!

I agree that people should no b offended.
Me and my husband chose to get married aboard because I didn't want children at my wedding, I have my own DS who was there and my nephew who was 16 weeks at the time.
We had some family and friends go funny with us but I told them it's my wedding and my choice, I no a couple of them would not have taken their DC away from ceremony if they were talking, crying etc and that would of drove me mad as the day is about me and my husband

I have found this interesting.
I have always thought( still do really) that there is no need to invite children but that if a breastfeeding mother is invited it should be expected that she might bring her baby with her.it hadn't occurred to me that parents of crying babies wouldn't have the sensitivity to remove them from the ceremony or reception speeches for everyone else's comfort. I have never seen babies crying in the church or wherever not being whisked away by an embarrassed parent to be comforted.
If you have child bridespeople or your own children then inviting other children to the celebration would seem normal. You cannot invite children as ornamentation for your photos.
I don't see what is wrong with having children of immediate family there but not all families in their entirety.
I would in general prefer to leave older children at home as a wedding is not much fun for them and caring for them can detract from my enjoyment .
Children can add to the fun and joyful atmosphere of the day if made welcome but I totally understand that they change the dynamics of the day.

Of course the B& G cannot be offended if parents don't attend because of family or childcare issues.

Fine not to invite children so long as the couple accept this may mean the parents decline the invitation.
I do think it's a bit unreasonable not to allow young, breastfed babies if the couple want the baby's mum to attend. Or at least it's unreasonable to take issue with the mum not attending. I declined a wedding 6 hours away because my 4 month old bf baby was not invited (my husband did attend). I was advised I should just leave the baby (I had no one to leave him with and he struggled to take a bottle) and hand express in the toilet throughout the day. I don't think that is a reasonable expectation of a guest. I do think it would be kind if exceptions could be made for tiny, nursing infants who cost nothing, but I accept this is the couple's choice.

I’ve only ever been slightly offended by a child free wedding once where no under 18’s were allowed except the grooms children and the grooms brothers children who were in the wedding party.
The groom was our nephew but that meant that my children were the ONLY people not invited on the grooms side. It was a bit upsetting and we went away for the weekend instead as the wedding was on my birthday anyway.
My SIL (grooms mother) cane round to the house the night before the wedding to tell how horribly selfish we were- haven’t spoken since 🤪.

All other child free wedding invitations are welcomed with open arms !

Was always happy to attend sans kids. The only time it was hard to find childcare was if it was a family wedding, but then I still managed to find suitable sitters. You have enough notice to arrange something.
In fact I preferred it when children weren’t invited so didn’t have to worry about them being bored etc.

I think how people react depends on a lot of factors really. I love a child free wedding if the wedding is local and I can leave my child overnight with relatives. My husbands cousin just invited us to his wedding, no kids, and would mean at least 2 nights away, and the relatives that would watch my child would be there too, we’ve not made an issue of it we’ve just declined. My sister is due to get married and is having kids there, this is again a wedding that you have to travel to with all relatives going, there would be an issue if kids weren’t invited to this wedding as since she’s my sister how could I possibly decline the invite but at the same time have nowhere to leave my child. Luckily everything has worked out for us but I can see how families could fall out if this wasn’t the case.

We actually had first cousin’s children, two of whom were bridesmaids, and dh’s nephew who was ‘page boy’. Otherwise no young children. We had two friends who had 1 year old babies - they brought them to the ceremony and their grandmas took them home with them after. I knew they had family help so it was fine. The wedding breakfast was family & family friends, and we invited 20 people to evening do - colleagues, neighbours, more peripheral friends. No-one took offence afaik (this was 18 years ago).

I would’ve made exception for breastfeeding babies!

The whole wedding thing is nuts.

I’m also middle aged and not married. Plenty of my friends aren’t married either and those who did get married had small weddings.

Younger people seem to think that a big expensive wedding is the norm. And all the emphasis on etiquette and menus, venues, speeches and ‘their day’ is quite a new attitude.

How do people afford it? We could barely afford rent after university and poured a out cash into a house deposit.

The only people who make a song and dance about child free weddings are those parents who think the world revolves around their children. I had a child free wedding my maid of honour had two young children and was traveling 300 miles to the wedding. I asked her if she wanted to bring her children and she said no way she wanted a weekend off! That settled it for me- we didn't want the day dominated by my cousin's unruly three year olds running riot- with my cousin and her partner never actually sitting at the table but treating the event (like they do at every other occasion) as a big kid's soft play. It was exactly what we wanted.

tiny No its not "nuts". Just because you didnt get married and your social circle didnt either or had small weddings does not mean that anything different to what you know is "nuts".

How about seeing it from the perspective of the child, not just the parents who need to find child care?

I remember being about 15 (brother was 13) when an auntie got married and had a 'child free' wedding. I felt really hurt and have never forgotten what it felt like to be left out just because I was 'too young'.

About 20 children attended my own wedding (age range 3 months to teenage) and I wouldn't have had it any other way. It's important to me that children are included in all important family occasions.

Additionally, of course, if I had left my nephews and nieces out they would have been very hurt.

My dp and myself are getting married next spring, smallish wedding maybe 60ish, we worked out if we invited all the kids of couples aswell its another 37
We have children so they will be there, we also want our neices and nephews and would also realy love my godchildren there, but then in doing that it seems quite rude to say no other children, starting to think we should just elope

We had more kids than adults at our wedding - it went just fine.

It is up to the couple if they want kids there or not, would never be offended if they said no kids, but as with others, would just say no and would hope they would also not be offended.

I went to a wedding when I was 10 and remember everything about it. It was oneof the highlight of my childhood. My mother is astounded by what I can remember but it wasn’t big deal to her, only me.

It’s a huge marketing machine. But the bizarre part of it is all the ‘rules’ and the emphasis on the it being the bride and groom’s ‘special day’ as if they spend the rest of their time feeding the starving or whatever

I think it’s totally fine as long as the couple don’t then get grumpy that people can’t attend. We’ve had a few family weddings that were abroad AND child free. Absolutely fine for the couple but when everyone else in the family is in Italy, it’s not possible to ask someone to stay with our kids for a weekend while we jet off to Tuscany. I don’t mind not going but I think my dh (his family and friends in these cases) felt a lot of pressure from them for us to be there. But what can you do when you don’t have childcare especially for a whole weekend?! But their wedding, their choice as long as no one is offended we can’t come.

Bil and sil had child free wedding, except her best friends children. I thought it was odd, never been to a child free wedding or had one. But at the time I didn't have children and wasn't bothered. However bil and sil now have children and have got very upset on getting an invitation from another family member sending a no children invitation.

That's when I think 🙄

I would not go to any wedding where my children were not invited. Don't invite me then. To me, a wedding is about the wider role of marriage. It is about two people, sure. But it is also about the unification of families and the potential for new families. I honestly think it is insulting, selfish and frankly a symptom of how incredibly narcissitic people and weddings have become.