Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by DDs and niece spending £13 on chocolate?

258 replies

Plipplops · 05/04/2018 12:13

I have DDs (9 and 10) and had my niece (10) for a sleepover last night. Over dinner last night had a conversation about how important it is to eat healthily. DDs aren't keen at all on veg but are slowly slowly getting better (niece is way better but her mum doesn't like her having sweets etc. as she had dental problems when she was younger).

This morning they've asked to go to the café in the village (first sunny day in ages). I said yes, that they could have a small cake (cupcake) and a drink, not a massive slice of cake, and gave them £20 as I didn't have anything smaller.

They've got back and admitted they had 5 chocolate bars and a small piece of cake between them, plus a milkshake each (so drink laden with sugar). DD2 says she just had the cake and didn't finish it, plus 2 bites of chocolate. So DD1 and niece have had 2+ chocolate bars each, plus sugary drink?!?

I feel really let down. They all know better, I feel like they've really abused my trust. DD1 obviously feels bad - has come home and apologised, I asked if she thinks she made good choices and she's said no. Not sure what to do now (we were probably going to go to the beach but I sort of feel like they need to just tidy their rooms and feel guilty for most of the day). AIBU?

OP posts:
PancakeBum · 05/04/2018 12:40

Yes YABU and incidents like this are what leads to unhealthy relationships with food.

Justanotherzombie · 05/04/2018 12:40

I agree. I feel sorry for them a bit. They were probably on such a high choosing whatever they wanted for maybe the first time and now they’ve had that memory turned into something very uncomfortable.

It’s important to guide your kids but you can’t/shouldn’t bully them into independently doing what you say when you’re not there. They need to learn to decide for themselves actively, not because they’re scared of the talking to they’ll get for not doing as they are told by someone else. Hard to explain what I mean but recently as I see my little kids getting big enough to make unsupervised mistakes I realise how much my mum let me learn to decide for myself when my tendency as a Mum is to expect them to do things perfectly ‘because I said so’. I am trying to let them make their own decisions and mistakes more, hard and all as it is to let go.

I think saying good naturedly ‘oh my goodness, you’ll rot your teeth and be sick with all that sugar!’, ignoring the amount they spent (because that was your fault) and then later having a nice chat maybe at bedtime to discuss if they really enjoyed so much sweet stuff and what the consequences can be of too much sugar would be the best way to help them decide better next time.

Also don’t forget that what they did might be a direct reaction to you being a bit controlling about food and sugar? Are you hammering it home a bit too much?

TERFragetteCity · 05/04/2018 12:41

Good grief.

Seriously OP - go and take them out for the day. And stop being so controlling.

Spaghettijumper · 05/04/2018 12:41

I think you need to recalibrate your idea of being 'let down' - they are still very young and you gave them £20, which for children that age is a large amount of money. They couldn't really be expected to make sensible, adult-like decisions.

TBH I wouldn't send children that young out with that much money - it's too much much responsibility.

Nikephorus · 05/04/2018 12:42

You said they could have a drink, they had a drink. It's not their fault you hadn't specified the precise drink allowed.
Next time tell them how much change you want back & leave it at that. Better still, when they tell you what they had sound enthusiastic!
(Now I want a cupcake)

cansu · 05/04/2018 12:42

Round here a xake and a milkshake would probably cost around 4.00 so I think you are over estimating what they bought. Anyway stop being so ott.

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 05/04/2018 12:43

tell them off and let them be,. its part of being a child....

they will remember this and laugh about it when they are older - remember when we were so naughty and ate all that chocolate...

they are so young and still learning about food, it wont kill them this once - the main thing is - the adults around them are eating well, they are encouraged to eat well and offered wonderful food - as pp said with moderation being the KEY and no strict denials of anything....they wil learn eventually - in a few years.

MirandaWest · 05/04/2018 12:44

I think telling them how much they could spend might have been a better idea. And do go to the beach - if the weathers like it’s been here it may been the last sunny day for a while!

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 05/04/2018 12:45

They are kids, they obviously found it far too tempting to resist being confronted with all that choice. Your DD1 apologised and admitted she didn't think they had made good choices. I get where you are coming from but honestly I think you expected too much from kids of that age. Please take them all to the beach and let run around in the fresh air, as you say it's the first decent weather we have had for weeks and it would be a shame to keep them cooped up indoors, plus they will burn off some of the calories they ate this morning.

Clandestino · 05/04/2018 12:45

OMG.
Not sure if to laugh or be worried that you are setting up your children on a very slippery path of body awareness and guilt tripping about their food.
You gave them 20 quid, they went and spent it on stuff they liked. Yep, give out to them for not sticking to what they were supposed to buy but you have to understand their point of view, they were in a shop full of temptations and with a considerable amount of money, what did you expect they buy, fruit salad?
Giving your kids lectures on healthy eating has limited effects. They will still go for something sweet over a cucumber salad most of the time, unless they have a savoury tooth (which I had so I'd go for a ham and egg salad sandwich instead).
You have some unrealistic expectations, if you realise it or not.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/04/2018 12:45

I've reread your OP and actually I find your 'I feel like they need to just ... feel guilty for most of the day' incredibly worrying. Guilty for having gone to a cafe aged 9 and 10 in the holidays and not stopped at a tiny dainty ladylike cupcake.

This isn't about 'healthy eating', otherwise you'd understand the role of variety and moderation. This is orthorexia at the least, that you are projecting onto little girls.

Sorry to be dramatic, but if you go on like this it may be quite dangerous.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 05/04/2018 12:47

YABVU. Your attitude towards food is a recipe for an eating disorder. My mum is anorexic, passed down from her mum and both me and my sister have been treated for eating disorders. We both starve and binge eat and our weights fluctuate massively and that is all down to an unhealthy relationship with food passed down through generations. My mum is absolutely horrified if me or my sister eat something sweet and we both have a habit of secret eating even in our own homes because of my mums attitude.

Please please do not punish them, they behaved like normal human beings. The fault is entirely yours.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 05/04/2018 12:47

So they spent roughly 4 quid each. In a café. That's hardly overboard.

OP, investing chocolate and sugary foods with a moral dimension like this is not the way to go. Believe me, I know. My mother was a recovered bulimic, who was similarly over the top about children eating multiple chocolate bars and so on. She meant well, and I realise now that she was trying to stop me ever starting binge-purge cycles.

However it didn't work the way she wanted; to this day, I feel a nagging urge to rebel against her prohibitions by eating extra portions of the foods she detested. I ignore it now, but during my teens I wasted so much money on illicit food that it makes me feel ill.

kateandme · 05/04/2018 12:48

windchimesabotage perfectly put.

Raver84 · 05/04/2018 12:48

Why on earth are you even consider making them feel guilty in their room? they are kids they ate sugar. What's the harm??your being very very unreasonable do you have food issues yourself?

Mynewnameforabit · 05/04/2018 12:50

I can see how you feel, but I do think you should relax a bit about what they eat. If they go to a cafe, let them have what they want, its one meal/snack, if you eat healthily most of the time at home it won't harm them.
For me it'd spoil a trip to a cafe if I had someone saying 'you can only have this, not that', the whole point was that it was a treat.
Also do wonder what you would have expected them to drink? Milkshake seems a better choice than fizzy pop, hot chocolate (or coffee!) - if you had a drink in mind, and you really feel you have to be restrictive, you should have said exactly what drink they could have.

I would be more worried that this kind of shaming of the DCs for choosing chocolate etc. may make them more likely to have issues around food as they get older, than concerned about them eating a chocolate when out for a treat.

NotACleverName · 05/04/2018 12:52

Kids being kids shocker. Get yourself down to your local grip store, OP. You need to get one.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2018 12:52

Ffs Vivienne! Didn't act sensibly?! It was chocolate and milkshake, not crack!! Gawd

That's me told! But you made me laugh. Thanks. Grin

CharltonLido73 · 05/04/2018 12:53

Never mind cake and chocolate, I can't stand chewing gum. I used to lecture my two when they were little about how disgusting it was and how I'd hope they wouldn't ever chew gum.

One day for some reason my younger daughter's bag got tipped upside down indoors, and a massive stash of bubble gums tumbled out, all over the floor. She would have been about 9 or 10 at the time, and I'd no idea about her secret life.

We all really laughed at the time - I was just so funny.

(Both girls and now in the 20s and I've never seen either of them chew gum. Result!)

Bluelady · 05/04/2018 12:53

Take them to the beach on this stunningly beautiful day, let them run off the calories and draw a line under it.

SadieHH · 05/04/2018 12:53

I have a 10yo dd. She’s a sensible kid well aware of healthy eating although totally loves her sweets etc and she’d be so excited to be in a cafe on her own with her friends that all sense would go out of the window. It was a treat and they got carried away. You can’t really have expected any more from them surely? They’re children off the leash for a short while. Let them have their fun, a one off won’t kill them.

IVflytrap · 05/04/2018 12:54

Please don't try to link eating and guilt in their minds. As girls, they'll get enough of that when they're older.

Give them less money next time if you're really that worried.

As it is, it's one day. Kids burn up a lot of calories, leave them be.

RavenLG · 05/04/2018 12:55

I don't mind them having it in moderation

they've spent all weekend eating easter eggs

they do get treats quite a lot of the time

Hmm....

Justanotherzombie · 05/04/2018 12:55

I wasn’t allowed gum. Someone gave it to me in school and I tried to dispose of it before getting caught out the window of my mums moving car......stuck to the side and was a bitch to get off. 😂😂😂

Ifonlyus · 05/04/2018 12:56

The logical consequence here is that you don't trust them to go to the cafe or shop by themselves again - until they can show that they will only buy what they agreed to buy. I'd also not let them have anything sugary for the rest of the day.

Other than that, I'd get over it. They're children. Temptation got the better of them, like it does with most children that age (and teens too) It's where the phrase 'like a child in a sweetshop' comes from.