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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by DDs and niece spending £13 on chocolate?

258 replies

Plipplops · 05/04/2018 12:13

I have DDs (9 and 10) and had my niece (10) for a sleepover last night. Over dinner last night had a conversation about how important it is to eat healthily. DDs aren't keen at all on veg but are slowly slowly getting better (niece is way better but her mum doesn't like her having sweets etc. as she had dental problems when she was younger).

This morning they've asked to go to the café in the village (first sunny day in ages). I said yes, that they could have a small cake (cupcake) and a drink, not a massive slice of cake, and gave them £20 as I didn't have anything smaller.

They've got back and admitted they had 5 chocolate bars and a small piece of cake between them, plus a milkshake each (so drink laden with sugar). DD2 says she just had the cake and didn't finish it, plus 2 bites of chocolate. So DD1 and niece have had 2+ chocolate bars each, plus sugary drink?!?

I feel really let down. They all know better, I feel like they've really abused my trust. DD1 obviously feels bad - has come home and apologised, I asked if she thinks she made good choices and she's said no. Not sure what to do now (we were probably going to go to the beach but I sort of feel like they need to just tidy their rooms and feel guilty for most of the day). AIBU?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/04/2018 12:25

They're kids. You gave them money,l and sent them off on their own. Hmm

Pfftlife · 05/04/2018 12:25

They are children, don't make them feel bad for eating a couple of bars of chocolate and a cake. They will end up with food issues if you go on about it. I bet they had great fun and would remember the first day they got let out on their own to go treat theirselves but only if you don't make it into a bad thing. Occasionally is fine

I never let my oldest have cola when she was young. What's the first thing she done when she had freedom and money......went and bought some and continued to do so until she got over the excitment.

TheHulksPurplePants · 05/04/2018 12:25

Otherwise I'm giving them money, telling them they can have X, and they go and buy X, Y and Z without giving a fuck?

Well OP, sounds like you've learned a good lesson here. Don't trust 9 & 10 year olds in a sweet shop. Granted, it's a lesson most of us don't need to be taught, but hey ho. Give yourself a little slap on the hand and don't do it again.

Justanotherzombie · 05/04/2018 12:25

As a one off, and considering it was s sleepover, YABU. Don’t forget that these are all learning situations for a kid. The freedom of having that money and buying that junk was so exciting, don’t begrudge them the memory even if you need to fake some shock and displeasure at the choice they made.

I still remember on a sleepover buying a bag of mini moros, and friend and I ate them all in one go. There must have been 20 in it. We were soooo green. But it was still very exciting! Honestly I never bought a Moro after but it is such a good memory of us breaking the rules and spending our money as we wished.

I’ve never had a weight or healthy eating issue. You need to let your DD’s make their own decisions and mistakes around eating choices sometimes and a special occasion is perfect for that.

MrsJayy · 05/04/2018 12:26

Tbf I would be annoyed at them spending your money but I don't think children respond well to ^healthy eating chats that is a classic example of like a kid in the sweetie shop

MatildaTheCat · 05/04/2018 12:26

Use it as a learning experience for all of you. They need to make better choices and you need to give more clear guidance and supervision.

Not at all the end of the world. Go to the bloody beach and have fun .

Catspaws · 05/04/2018 12:26

You gave your kids money for cake and left them unsupervised. They used the money to buy cake, but more than you felt they should. Now you think they should sit around and feel guilty all day?

WTF

please don't bring your children up to associate food with guilt, because you'll give them an eating disorder. You've already asked if they made 'good choices' - bad enough to frame this as a moral failing but worse to hammer home the point by punishing them emotionally.

Overindulgence in sugar now and then is not going to kill them and doesn't make them bad people.

Surely the non-mental response would be 'since everyone has had a bit more sugar than normal let's go and have a lovely day at the beach, since fresh air and some exercise is good for everyone'.

Get a grip OP before you force a world of dietary agony on to your very young kids.

Nicknacky · 05/04/2018 12:28

Oh my goodness, that poor girl having to apologies to her mum for eating cake and having a milkshake.

Abused your trust? Really?! They didn’t go and buy buckfast!

EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 05/04/2018 12:29

YABU, they're 9 & 10 . Do you honestly believe they would evaluate how much sugar is in chocolate, cake and milkshake?! Hmm

You gave them the money for an unsupervised trip to the cafe, which I'm guessing was a treat rather than a regular occurrence, and you want to guilt trip them because they bought whatever they fancied?

Original poster
Plipplops · 05/04/2018 12:29

To be clear, they do get treats quite a lot of the time?! We were chatting about healthy eating as my niece likes veg and my children don't. Obviously all the rest of the time I do supervise which is why this was the first time they've been by themselves (it's hardly the first time they've been to a café?!)

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 05/04/2018 12:29

I think you’re being a bit unfair on them to expect them to resist temptation at that age. They’re not really mature enough to be able to put aside the immediate desire for chocolate in favour of the long term benefits of healthy eating which is a very abstract concept for a 9/10 year old. The appropriate “punishment” is not to let them go unsupervised next time.

Glumglowworm · 05/04/2018 12:30

YABU

you sent them out to have cake, which they did. Yes they went slightly overboard but they’re children and you gave them far too much money.

If you didn’t have change you should’ve specified how much you expected back from the £20.

Stop guilt tripping them and talking about abusing trust! They were a bit silly that’s all.

If you go on and on, next time they just won’t tell you.

windchimesabotage · 05/04/2018 12:30

I think YABU and your attitude towards this may cause damage.
Any child would do this.

I had an eating disorder as a teen and in part it was down to my mothers mad attitude about healthy food.
I once bought four chocolate bars on the way home from school and she made me take them back to the shop and stood there and watched me.
I became seriously underweight and would also binge eat till I threw up.

Children that young should not be given the idea that any food is 'bad' or 'wrong'.
Of course you can generally encourage them to live a healthy lifestyle and make healthy choices. But in a situation like this expressing anger over a certain type of food 'chocolate' is not beneficial.
One remark such as 'that was a bit of a waste of money and I bet you feel a bit ill now!' would be absolutely enough and the end of it.
To go on to say theyve abused your trust and theyve let you down is incredibly strange and worrying. That is a massive overreaction that is likely to cause them problems if they pick up on it.

itallhappensforareason · 05/04/2018 12:31

Looking on the bright side, at least they only spent £13 and not the full £20...

Dungeondragon15 · 05/04/2018 12:32

Their brains have not fully developed to be able to assess risk and deferred gratification.

They aren't too young to defer gratification but in this case there was none. It was a case of make hay while the sun shines because OP would be unlikely to set them lose with £20 for cake again.

kateandme · 05/04/2018 12:32

when me and my cousin got together this was pig out sleepver middle of the night snack time!if its one weekend stop the guilt.golly!
this type of healthy eating and to such extreme wont help them
balance.that includes pig outs with family.
and yes given the money this is xactly what I expect and kind of love the kids would go and cheekily giggle over enjoying.imagine their faces as they looked on at the hoard of chocy goodness.
ok yes.tell them this wasn't intented for this.but to get angry.nah.make the principal known but not ovr the food itself.

Nothisispatrick · 05/04/2018 12:32

They are children! You are expecting them to behave like adults!

That's quite young to be given £20 and sent off to have to a cafe by themselves, of course they got carried away. It won't cause them any lastin damage.

Dungeondragon15 · 05/04/2018 12:32

lose loose

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 05/04/2018 12:33

So, you still think you're in the right then, op?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 05/04/2018 12:33

I grew up with a mother who used to hide chocolate and biscuits and treat them as if they were a deadly sin...she didn't like sweet things so thought those who did were utter gluttons. I grew up utterly obsessed by them.

I'd say 'that was daft, will have to make sure I don't send you with so much money next time!' and move on. Don't attach feelings of morality and guilt to food.

Juells · 05/04/2018 12:33

Feeling let down? Because children bought chocolate. Is this a wind-up?

Catspaws · 05/04/2018 12:33

Also do you really think that if you overreact like this and go to defcon 5 'abuse of trust' territory they will be able to trust YOU aim future if they are in trouble and need help?

You don't want them to be 15 and at a party and worried about calling you to get home because they've had a drink and think you'll hit the roof and accuse them of breaching your trust.

You've talked to them about decisions. You've made your feelings clear. Any further punishment is for your benefit not theirs, and could cause you real problems in the future.

Desmondo2016 · 05/04/2018 12:33

What did you expect young children to do??!! Have you not heard the saying 'like a kid in a sweetshop'. They haven't let you down. They've done exactly what most kids would do at that age!

Original poster
Plipplops · 05/04/2018 12:34

Also to be clear I've not said any more to them about it, which is why I'm here asking if IABU - I'm not spending the day guilt tripping them and seeing as you all seem to disagree with me then I won't mention it again.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 05/04/2018 12:34

Honestly, they've only done what any self-respecting 9 and 10 year old would have done. I'm impressed you got any change back!