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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by DDs and niece spending £13 on chocolate?

258 replies

Plipplops · 05/04/2018 12:13

I have DDs (9 and 10) and had my niece (10) for a sleepover last night. Over dinner last night had a conversation about how important it is to eat healthily. DDs aren't keen at all on veg but are slowly slowly getting better (niece is way better but her mum doesn't like her having sweets etc. as she had dental problems when she was younger).

This morning they've asked to go to the café in the village (first sunny day in ages). I said yes, that they could have a small cake (cupcake) and a drink, not a massive slice of cake, and gave them £20 as I didn't have anything smaller.

They've got back and admitted they had 5 chocolate bars and a small piece of cake between them, plus a milkshake each (so drink laden with sugar). DD2 says she just had the cake and didn't finish it, plus 2 bites of chocolate. So DD1 and niece have had 2+ chocolate bars each, plus sugary drink?!?

I feel really let down. They all know better, I feel like they've really abused my trust. DD1 obviously feels bad - has come home and apologised, I asked if she thinks she made good choices and she's said no. Not sure what to do now (we were probably going to go to the beach but I sort of feel like they need to just tidy their rooms and feel guilty for most of the day). AIBU?

OP posts:
user1498572889 · 05/04/2018 18:53

When my DD was 11 I found out that she had spent the money I gave her for lunch on cigarettes that wasn’t fun for me her or the shopkeeper involved so chill out and don’t sweat the small stuff.
DD is now an adult and doesn’t smoke lol

Runbikeswim · 05/04/2018 19:12

Hi OP I'd feel the same as you if it's any consolation. I expect my kids to do as they are told with my money - it's not like you said no cake. But I'd let it go once I'd told them I was peed off and go to the beach.

catinapoolofsunshine · 05/04/2018 19:16

Ah, well that's very specific to where you live Literary . There's nothing wrong with 9 and 10 year olds walking to a cafe and going in to eat cake, in itself.

firstworldproblems2018 · 05/04/2018 19:20

Haven’t RTFT but my thoughts are:

If you go on about it too much, especially giving food negative messages you’re extremely likely to set them up for an eating disorder.

On the other hand, you told them to only buy certain things- they didn’t, so they didn’t do what they were told which normally isn’t good- BUT they are children! The excitement of having money and freedom was too much of a temptation.

Not going to the beach where they will run around and burn off the cake is a silly punishment.

Juells · 05/04/2018 19:21

And also old enough to begin having conversations about healthy lifestyle choices

At twenty I wasn't having conversations about healthy lifestyle choices.

Sarkyharky · 05/04/2018 19:27

Lol juells

Onecutefox · 05/04/2018 19:31

Aren't they too little to go on their own yet?

Nicknacky · 05/04/2018 19:33

At 9 and 10? She says she lives in a village, my 10 year old goes out on her bike to see her school friends and cycles a couple of miles on her own.

Dandellion · 05/04/2018 19:34

You sound very uptight OP. Just wait until they're teenagers with a PT job and they're mainlining pizza and chocolate, especially on sleepovers. The fact your daughter had to specify how many bites of chocolate she'd had makes me Hmm

ScattyCharly · 05/04/2018 19:34

Too young to send to cafe alone.

Nicknacky · 05/04/2018 19:36

Why are they too young? It's a good thing to teach them responsibility at a young age.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 05/04/2018 19:50

So you said they could have three cupcakes and three drinks between them.
They had one cupcake, five chocolate bars and three drinks between them.
So if a chocolate bar is equivalent to a cupcake, they basically had one extra chocolate bar each.
Which I wouldn't see as a big deal. Not great, but not a big deal. I'd tell them that as they overspent you'll give them the correct money next time, or go with them, but otherwise leave it.

The milkshakes as drinks - if you'd wanted them to have a non sugary drink you should have specified that. I'm not sure what drink that would be though as juice probably has as much sugar as a milk shake.

At 9 and 10 I wouldn't expect them to connect the healthy eating conversation from the night before to a drink choice as a treat the next day, and restrain themselves. I think they've still learning how to make those decisions. Plenty of adults haven't learnt that so they are hardly behind!

NewImprovedNinja · 05/04/2018 19:50

"They didn't go out and buy buckfast!"
Is that you Mary doll? 🤣

ScattyCharly · 05/04/2018 19:50

Because they spent £13 on chocolate. They proved they are too young.

zwellers · 05/04/2018 19:58

Ineed scatty. All children should be kept inside and not allowed to develop independence or have a cake in a cafe till they are 18. And £13 isn't that much. A milkshake alone would be 3.50 here.

PancakeBum · 05/04/2018 19:59

I'd quite happily spend £13 on chocolate and I'm 28 - should I be allowed out?

Glug44 · 05/04/2018 20:00

You were very naive in thinking 3 under 10s would make healthy choices about food.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 05/04/2018 22:00

Missing the point, but I wouldn't let a 9y/o and two 10y/os go out by themselves. I'm a bit neurotic though 🙄😊

colditz · 05/04/2018 22:15

You really are, because it's normal to allow age appropriate independence and rather damaging to infantilise older children by not letting them do things they are capable of doing

Jazzy11 · 05/04/2018 22:49

Omg they are children ! Yabu Grin

Orangettes · 05/04/2018 22:49

You really are, because it's normal to allow age appropriate independence and rather damaging to infantilise older children by not letting them do things they are capable of doing Totally agree and there is so much of this over the top cotton wool nonsense going on now that it makes people doubt their ability to judge risk appropriately.

INeedChocolateToday · 06/04/2018 08:22

This is really sad :( poor little girls :( Sounds to me like they were really good and sensible considering their age.

They managed to get to the cafe without a parent

They ordered their chocolate and drinks (which wasn't that OTT to be honest! It wasn't like you told them to eat salad!? I'm not sure there's much difference between a chocolate bar and cake in terms of health)

They were honest to bring back the change (they didn't spend it on cigarettes! Magazines! Etc...)!

They were probably well behaved in the cafe.

I'd say success all round and what wonderful children.

So sad OP is now cross with them and feels let down :(

OP - for the sake of your children, please please lighten up or they r heading towards eating disorders and probably anxiety disorders too.

I do understand you are only meaning the best though

Dulra · 06/04/2018 08:37

*This is really sad sad poor little girls sad Sounds to me like they were really good and sensible considering their age.

They managed to get to the cafe without a parent

They ordered their chocolate and drinks (which wasn't that OTT to be honest! It wasn't like you told them to eat salad!? I'm not sure there's much difference between a chocolate bar and cake in terms of health)

They were honest to bring back the change (they didn't spend it on cigarettes! Magazines! Etc...)!

They were probably well behaved in the cafe.

I'd say success all round and what wonderful children.

So sad OP is now cross with them and feels let down sad

OP - for the sake of your children, please please lighten up or they r heading towards eating disorders and probably anxiety disorders too.

I do understand you are only meaning the best though*

THIS

My 10 year old dd is asd and I would love her to be able to successfully achieve what your daughters did I wouldn't give a fig what she bought in the café just getting herself there, buying herself something, eating it there and then coming home with no dramas would be amazing I'd be shouting from the rooftops. You need to look at the positives of what they achieved and stop focusing on the one and only tiny negative bit of their trip. Kids thrive on praise and encouragement constant criticism will bring them down and their self esteem with it.

Original poster
Plipplops · 06/04/2018 08:51

Morning all, thought I’d do a quick update and then leave it.

I never actually said to any of the girls they should feel guilty etc. I just thought it (then came and asked you lot). I was pissed off that I had explicitly said they could have one small cake and a drink and they didn’t do what I’d said (they bought cake and 2 chocolate bars, crunchies I think and went back for more). It’s not that they over indulged particularly (there was no mention of the food being bad, it’s that you made a bad choice by spending too much of my money).

I totally see where you’re all coming from about making food into a guilt issue, please understand this isn’t the case, sorry if it came across like that. I don’t have an issue with them having treats, they eat a reasonably balanced diet and nothing is forbidden here.

We live in a tiny village with a community cafe I see no safety issues with them popping there.

We went to the beach, they had a lovely time.

Sorry I managed to offend so many of you. I posted as I was cross they’d spent my cash but in retrospect was probably asking too much of them. They’ve been to loads of cafes for treats with me so I just assumed they’d buy similar if I wasn’t there? My mistake I guess, so IWBU

OP posts:
UnicornRainbowColours · 06/04/2018 08:54

Oh dear next time go with them. They still need direction at that age. A little freedom which you gave them is great but they still need supervision

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