Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

This is very odd. Is the wedding very soon? Perhaps she’s ill and doesn’t want to let you know until after your wedding so she doesn’t spoil it. If she’s your best friend you should be able to talk to her openly.

Oh no, that is shit. Come on, we don't have diaries with our friends birthdays, to consult when booking a wedding. Has she got any social anxiety, or MH issues?

I’d guess that she’s feeling depressed and/or stressed and can’t face a big occasion. It’s either something along those lines or she is catastrophically self-absorbed!

She could be having relationship problems. I can see going to a friends wedding and supporting you and wishing you a long and happy life together might be a little upsetting for her. Maybe she or her dh has had bad health news and she thinks sharing that with you will ruin your wedding excitement. Its easier for her to cancel than go along feeling miserable.

If she's your best friend then I'm sure you could understand if there is a specific reason for her to cancel.

This is ridiculous
She is best friend and bridesmaid
Presumably you have had conversations about the wedding and the hen do and the arrangements. There will have been conversations about wedding details there will have been a build up excitement 're the big day

And you are both happy to have a text conversation over her dropping out? Call her

Reinette "If she's your best friend then I'm sure you could understand if there is a specific reason for her to cancel."

well, yes, but you'd need an explanation surely? Even if it's just "I'm having a bad time at the mo, I don't want to talk about but can't cope with the wedding". That would be enough, but what's given here is ...nothing?

It's not about her birthday . . .so either she's pregnant; has another medical problem or marital issues.
It's up to you how much you want to pry.
If she's your best friend, I'd pop round and find out what's going on. But if you don't have any room in your life for extra stress just now then take her answers at face value and suggest meeting up after the wedding to catch up.

To say there's nothing wrong.... sounds like she actually doesn't like you that much.

I'd be telling her we're done after that last response.

One of my best friends was co-organising my baby shower. She pulled out a couple of days before leaving my mil right in the lurch. Told me she was broke and needed some alone time.

Photos of her having fancy weekend with new mates quaffing champagne in a posh hotel pop up that weekend. Off you fuck dear, no you can't come hold the baby.

How odd.

I think the classiest response is to ignore, have an amazing wedding, and leave the friendship in the bin x

She sounds selfish and nasty OP... and you're a better person than most to suck up to her after you spent all that money on her and her family and she pulls the rug from under you ....

personally I'd be demanding she PAY for the dress alterations and the MEALS.....

but you sound too kind and I think she knows she can walk all over you .. even on your Wedding day....

and I wouldn't have responded to ANY texts.... this cancellation absolutely deserved face to face or a phone call withdrawal....

I'd never speak to her again...

IMO a wedding trumps a birthday. Only the self absorbed thinks their birthday is more important than a wedding.

I must admit I would be tempted to guilt trip the "friend" by saying that I was upset and felt let down, especially after going to the expense of the bridesmaid's dress.

Bloody hell if you had to avoid everyone's birthdays you'd probably end up only being able to get married on 29 February.

I'm fascinated as to what CheekyBirthdayFucker's reasoning is. Keep us posted!

I'm more shocked that OP has actually APOLOGISED to this 'alleged friend' for fucking up her Wedding Day and left her financially out of pocket...

Is your wedding going to be more lavish than hers was?

The only thing that would explain why she's wanting a quiet birthday at home with her family and ditching your wedding with such short notice after everything is all paid for, (unless she really is a massive bitch), is that she, her dh or ds have a serious health problem that is bringing into focus the need to have quality time with family.

I can't think of anything else that wouldn't make this a friendship ender. So on that basis you have nothing to lose by gently calling her out. I'd go and see her or call if that's not possible (enough with the texting over something so important) and say something along the lines of 'friend I'm really worried about you. What's really going on? Only I can't imagine you'd really sack off my wedding at such short notice after I've already incurred considerable expense, unless there's something badly wrong?'

If she opens up then you know where you are, and depending on what it is can decide if it's a friendship dealbreaker or not. If she doesn't, or denies it I'd say something like 'well if there's something going on that you aren't ready to share please know I'm here for you when you're ready. However if you are really choosing to have a quiet day at home, instead of coming to my wedding after agreeing to be my bridesmaid, and there is nothing more to it, then I am actually really furious that you'd think that's OK'

And see where it goes...

I am wondering if she is well? Does she suffer from anxiety or depression at all? I had to pull out of a friends wedding last minute. I felt awful but I just couldn't face it. I still feel guilty now and of course she ditched me as a friend (which I deserved)

Have you been a bridezilla at all?

I would accept it graciously and try to arrange to see her face to face so you can try to find out what is really going on.

When's the wedding? I'm an excellent bridesmaid

But I'm so sorry your friend has done this, it's just baffling.

The only time anything like this happened to me (person invited to a wedding, expecting to come then cancelled) it was a controlling partner who didnt want her to come. He turned it into a 'go to the wedding and you clearly don't love me and I will leave you' - he wasn't invited because I didn't know him (and she was invited with her kids).

So, any chance the partner is behind it all?

Weddings bring out the worst in friends sometimes! It sounds like there is more too it on her part but from what you've said god knows what. Hope you resolve it either way, Yanbu though. I'd be pissed!

Like I said: the key thing is whether she has form for attention-seeking, selfish behaviour, or not.
You would not be at all unreasonable to point out to her that she had been happy with the wedding date to the point of having her dress altered and choosing the meals for her family, and this is a drastic change of mind so you are concerned about what's really happening. If she's always been a lovely friend then the diagnosis of illness/having a miscarriage/something else awful may be what's going on. Some people would rather make up an excuse on the grounds of not 'spoiling' your wedding with their bad news, but the approach of keeping the news quiet and giving some bullshit excuse is actually a lot more hurtful.

Is she laying low because she's tried to shag your fiancé or something vaguely related? If she's there = an issue?

I'd be really hurt. There must be more than meets the eye.
I'd have to chat face to face with her. I couldn't just leave it as it would spoil my feelings towards her. At least if I chat and there is a genuine reason like depression or something, there may be a chance of saving the friendship.
Behaving like that, at this point, is very off for no good reason.

Without wanting to be doomy, the only reason I can think of for this mad behaviour is that she's had a very, very serious diagnosis of something bad enough to make her want to spend every single moment she can with her family, and doesn't want to cast a shadow over your big day.

Presumably she's married (from what you said).

What was her day like? What was your role in it?

I'd be cross about the day but more about the future if the friendship. How does anyone come back from that?

Call her and say that you just can't believe this is the whole story.