Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

I'd be tempted to ask what's changed since she said she'd be your bridesmaid knowing the date, and since she gave you their meal preferences etc.

Is it her 12th birthday?

I think it's ridiculous your supposed friend is being bang out of order she new the date and when all the plans were made and now she's suddenly remembered it's her birthday I don't think so!!

Do you have other bridesmaid? Is there a size difference between her and the others some people feel her self conscious with photos and that if they aren't body confident!

How do you get on with her DH?

There is something else going on here!

Goodness me, how precious can you get if you’d genuinely be annoyed by someone planning a wedding on your birthday?! Don’t understand posters who say they’d care. I’d be delighted, lovely way to spend the day unless you’re a total narcissist who needs all attention on you all day on your birthday. She is being VU.

If she is close enough to be your BM, there is no way i'd let her off the hook without telling her how hurtful it is.
I would probably say something like "Ok, you must realise it is very hurtful that you have chosen to prioritise a day at home over my wedding, particuarly when you have known the date for some time and did now show previous concern about the date. Although I am most upset about what it says about how you value me as a friend, you have also allowed me to incur expenditure on the basis of your original acceptance. I appreciate, however, that there may be something else going on, in which case i am here for you when you are ready to talk."

Best friend is a bit of a stretch says it all. She obviously shares that view. I’d be upfront about this and ask her what she suggests you do with her bridesmaid dress and the four places she rsvp’d for. Has something happened between you - has she just got sick of all the wedding talk and preparations? Odd behaviour and rather abrupt - I’d be odd and abrupt in return. Don’t pussyfoot around.

Another one here who thinks there's more to it than just the birthday. Why the need to 'lay low'? - keeping out of someone's way? not having attention on her? PG and going to be HUGE in the dress? having medical treatment?

She's no friend. She's barely an adult. Definitely jealousy is playing a part. A few friends cancelled on my wedding at the last minute and we haven't spoken since. I had to choose so carefully who to invite, due to funds, so to just not attend for no good reason, i don't want them on my life

Fuck's sake. If my best/longest friend did this, do you know what I would do? Pick up the phone and speak to her or go round and see her and find out what was going on. I wouldn't come on MN and start a cryptic thread about it to ask people who know neither me nor my friend what they think, nor would I be sending her texts.

Christ sake, grown women behaving like teenagers.

Why are you letting her off the hook like this? She needs a MUCH better reason to cancel, after dress bought, food paid for etc., than lying on a sofa eating birthday cake. She can do that any year! I would definitely be talking to her about it. If she's that close you can be frank with her. I would want a proper explanation and a proper apology.

what a weird thing to do less than 2 months to go

The wedding is in less than two months so unless she has been hiding a pregnancy for 5 months (or has only just found out), I doubt she will be pregnant and ‘huge’. It’s also not a legitimate reason to not attend your best friend’s wedding because obviously any sane best friend would say “I’m pregnant so I know it’s a pain but could the dress be altered again?”.

It’s really bizarre behaviour. Not wanting to attend a special occasion on your birthday is fair enough really but she should’ve mentioned as soon as the invites went out. To get to this stage where you have paid for her and her family to attend and then cancel is extremely uncouth at best. If your place (and dress!) has been paid for the only thing that should stop you going is an absolute emergency, not ‘fancying sitting around at home eating cake’ . So, so weird.

I would be saying

' Ha, ha good one, you do realise April fools is only meant to be on the 1st of April though right? In all seriousness though, you have known for months that my wedding is on your birthday! You let me buy your dress, pay to have it altered and pay for your entire family to come to my wedding, knowing fine well that it was on your birthday!

Unless you have a bloody good reason, then you are behaving unbelievably selfishly! Given how long we have been friends, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt! You can relax at home eating cake any weekend for the rest of your life! I only get married once! If you genuinely would rather stay in your pj's eating cake than be a bridesmaid at my wedding, then you are not the friend that I thought you were! In fact you are not a friend at all!'

It smacks to me of attention seeking. Someone who wants you to call them and get all upset and ask them if they are okay and tell them you really want them there they are important to you.

I could not be doing with this at all on my wedding from a bridesmaid. Its the behaviour of a child.

I mean you might want to be softer than me lol but this always drives me nuts. One of my friends did this about my birthday party one year and I just said 'fine dont come' Cant stand people who cant tolerate one day being about somebody other than them.

If shes a real friend she would be there to support you on this day that is very important in your life. Not making it all about her and 'is she okay, what does she need you to do/say to make her less upset?'

Id honestly just say 'im sorry you wont be there. Have a good birthday' and leave it at that.

If she is really a decent person whos just had a bit of a mad five mins, she will hopefully have a word with herself about getting a grip and phone you and apologise.
If not then it is honestly no loss to you.

If you are such close friends that your choose her as a bridesmaid you should be close enough to be brutally honest with her.

Ask her what the hell is going on as sitting in the house eating cake to celebrate an insignificant birthday is a totally unacceptable reason for leaving you in the shit for your imminent wedding after choosing together, paying for and altering a frock. She is showing you no respect and not being honest with you. Letting someone down on something so important for no good reason is shocking and you deserve to know the absolute truth. If she doesn't tell you the truth on that call I would be saying a permanent goodbye making it clear how much she as let you down.

Do not be a wet blanket, you have every right to furious with her. and if there is no good excuse (and other than a serious health issue I cant think of one) tell her to stick her best wishes where the sun don't shine.

I have a major dislike of weddings

and a huge love of birthdays

but something is massively wrong here! She agreed to be bridesmaid on her birthday? Is there some issue that she might have felt unable to say no (I mean her issue, since I've been on MN I've learned how some people really find it hard to say no even when you've made it clear that a "no" isn't a problem?)

It would be better if you could meet with her because it sounds like either something has gone horribly wrong or she is actually a very odd person/unreliable person but with a long standing friend, I'd want some clarity.

Agree the anniversary comment is strange - unless you were planning on having a big obligatory anniversary party every year?!

is her DH hitting her or something like that?

could you invite someone who would like the set menu her and her family have.say the meal is as it is and they either like it or not.or go to caterys and ask what a small family meal change would do to their covers.
anyone her dress size?
could it go back to the store
Id be upset myself.
what a lovely birthday id think to go to be a bridesmaid at my mates wedding.
so now don't get urself down.shes in the wrong.think how you can make this ok again
would the dress be able to go back?or would they swap the outfit for size of "new"bridsemaid".do you have anyone else in mind who would be able to do it.its sad to think like that but possible.
tyr to get your head round the turn of events.work it now to your day still being the same.a glitch.pretty big but it can be savilged fingers crossed.dont let something like this cause a cloud over it.

Bloody hell, it's always someone's birthday! In a large wedding it would be hard to avoid!

What's so important about her birthday that year?

(Sounds like an excuse not to go to me.)

It would be the end of the friendship for me unless there is something else going on. Have you had a hen do? If not is she still do!ing to that?

She’s got a hump with you for whatever reason or sth happened. Ask her if she wants to keep the dress and refund you or does she want to sell it and give you the money back.

Could she have had a miscarriage? It strikes me that she's talking about duvet days, laying low, staying inside, quiet time with her family. You say this is out of character for her and she was previously very excited. There could be a very good reason why she's suddenly backing out. Why don't you just go and speak to her face to face?

There's something else going on.
Either someone in her family has just been diagnosed with some hideous illness, or she and her DH are having troubles in their marriage.
Or similar.
It's not you, it's definitely her but she's definitely got something else going on that is influencing this situation.
Another option might be that she's had a massive fall out with another wedding guest and doesn't want to bump into them?

I hope she tells you the real reason soon. x

She might be your best friend, but you are not hers.

That is a piss poor lazy arse excuse.

She blatantly can't be arsed and she has no shame about it.

I agree with those saying that you should tell her how you feel. If this was my best mate I'd be fuming and I'd want a bloody good explanation as to why I'd just spent a fortune on dresses and meals when she knew well in advance that it was on the same day as her birthday. If she then says something like "I don't want to talk about it.. its private" or something along those lines then fair enough. But you deserve a better excuse than "its my bday".