Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

OP, I hesitate to say this because it sounds like you have a lot going on, but are you sure it's her bloke that's the problem, not yours? That's not meant to be a dig, at all. If this is out of character for her, then maybe just give it some consideration.

I've been in a relationship with an arsehole more than once, and you often can't see the wood for the trees. Your friends can, though.

'Dry sense of humour' tends to be code for 'insults people to their faces'.

Jesus Wept

Sounds like she is between a rock and a hard place. That said, she is basically ending your friendship as how can you possibly socialise if her husband will boycott and therefore prevent any meet ups?

The fact that she was so blasé is insulting. I'd cut my losses if I were you.

Gemini you can have your face back actually! What on earth are you saying is wrong with my post? I haven't been in anyway unkind about it, I've just offered another perspective. You don't have to agree but if you can't make an actual reasoned argument then maybe step back and let the grown ups talk, yeah?

Dry sense of humour' tends to be code for 'insults people to their faces'

What a load of shit that is. No it doesn’t at all.

OP - she isn’t a best friend, she isn’t even a friend. I’d personally let her buy the dress and then cut contact.

I think you make a fair point Flying.

No matter what the actual situation, I think it's safe to say the friendship is over. Sorry Op. Hope you're ok.

OP I've no wish to derail your thread arguing with randoms, I'm sure you know your stbdh best and I hope you're very happy together.

I didn't mean to insult him, I thought another perspective might be worth considering.

Is rather set the dress on fire, rather your ex friend have I.

Imagine selling her the dress
A she does turn up to the wedding in it
B she goes out for her birthday wearing I.

@Flyingpompom

I had considered that possibility earlier on the thread, but the OP's updates since then have clarified that it's more likely her friend's OH than the OP's.

Although, it still doesn't mean that the OP's future husband may not have played a role in this.
He wouldn't be the first to have hidden skeletons that the OP's friend might not want to drag out.

"Dry sense of humour' tends to be code for 'insults people to their faces'"

Of course it doesn't
IMO someone with a dry sense of humour tends to make a lot of deprecating remarks about themselves. Also they are very intelligent and witty.

I have a very dry sense of humour and I assure you I don't insult people to their faces. It's not code for 'banter' where I blame people for being insulted by me being an arsehole, either.

Flying did make a valid point. Whilst I have a dry sense of humour and would never do that, a friend's ex-husband did use his dry humour to be a complete arse. Op has however since said that she and her soon to be husband called out the friend's husband for criticising the friend for putting on weight.

Whatever the position. The friend is basically saying that she and her husband are not willing to socialise with the op and effectively ending the friendship.

She's so jealous! And maybe her DH too. You aren't supposed to be having a great time without paying for it in her opinion. And when she sat there 'all chill' and tried to upset you. I mean, what the fuck is she going to do with a bridesmaid dress for a wedding she didnt attend? Get a grip. Shes an ass.
I think her DH and her think they are "cooler" than you and therefore are trying to make you feel crap.
Fucking bill her for the lot. The dress, the meal, anything else. Don't expect the money but send the bill so she sees the numbers.
Then if she ever contacts you again just ghost.
If you feel the need to message her in the future you can message me instead!

you will presumably have one wedding, she will presumably have many birthdays.

I think her ‘d’ husband has laid down the law. He isn’t going, full stop. Your friend now feels she should stay at hime with him, supporting him. Taking his side etc.. It’s probably better to appease him rather than you. I bet she feels pretty shitty inside.

Just an idea for a text:
DHTB and I were just discussing your reasons for not attending the wedding. Obviously this is out of the blue for us since you knew what you were agreeing to when you had all those bridesmaid dress fittings, but we graciously accept that you no longer support our wedding. The cost of the dress, alterations and meals is £××××. We would appreciate if you could make good on this as promised. Our account details are. Have a lovely birthday!

IMO someone with a dry sense of humour tends to make a lot of deprecating remarks about themselves. Also they are very intelligent and witty

Certainly my understanding of the term.

How ridiculous.

My best friend got married on my birthday and I was her bridesmaid. It just made the day even more special for both of us.

I got married on my dad’s birthday - it’s a good job he didn’t decline the invite for that reason otherwise it would have been a lonely walk down the aisle

Not read the thread queen?

No

I was so gobsmacked by the initial post that I had a crazy urge to respond saying how mad it was.

I’m reading the thread now and am on page 6.....

KatherineMayfair
YANBU!! It's not wrong to have your wedding on your friend's birthday either! Arranging wedding dates isn't easy anyway.

She's being very petty and very unfair and you have the right to be upset about her. But don't be upset for long, my love, you have a lovely day to look forward to and many happy years ahead so in advance I send my love and Best Wishes. (sorry it's not champagne - I couldn't find a picture to send!)

Hey @KatherineMayfair just wanted to say have a lovely wedding day. So sorry you have been hurt and let down. You sound very caring.

I agree you should bow out of this friendship but you do sound like you care about her (obv since she was your bm!!) and especially after what other posters have said about her dh......

I wonder if an old fashioned communication like a letter enclosed with the dress saying how sad and hurt you are but hope she is ok and know you are there if she needs you in the future but you can’t see her as a close friend now etc etc etc

I think that will give you closure
and words on paper are very powerful. Both for you and her.

Have a wonderful wedding!

To be honest, in light of your last update, I'd be inclined to leave her with some sort of message that makes it clear you can't really stay in touch/ or be close (your choice if you want a little distant contact?) while her and her OH feel this way, but if she ever feels that what she needs is different to her husband and needs help she knows where you are. Enough to leave a gap in the door if she is in a controlling relationship she's not happy with or to give her a seed of food for thought if she hasn't even looked at her own relationship in that way. And if she's just a twat at least you will have moved on with kindness and dignity, which I must say shines out of the way you handle yourself in your posts anyway.

and yes, what pikehau said, more eloquently than I put it

I agree a message would be nice, but I hesitate to recommend a letter that her husband might find. A text message that is easily deleted would probably be safer.
We don't KNOW that he's a controlling arse, but if we work to that principle, then it's better to try not to cause her any further bother, if you can.

Perhaps a text something along the lines of
"If this is completely your decision then whilst I am upset at the ending of our friendship, that's ok. If however this is being driven by xxxx then if you ever need me, I'm happy to talk."