Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

don't be available for this selfish bint... close the bloody door

I'm with SJN71. I did the same. I told people it was my decision when in truth it wasn't. If we did go anywhere (which was rare) we left early because xDH was ill, tired or needed to get up early the next day. It took years for me to see him for what he was.

Enjoy your day Katherine and have a long and happy marriage

So sorry to hear your update Op - she really sounds so uncaring.

Hope you have a great day.

Terrible thing for her to do!
Hope you have a fab day x

Thank you all for your good wishes

To be honest, her DH has always 'ruled the roost' in their home, so to speak, but I don't know what he's like behind closed doors. He's loud, confident slightly obnoxious and once he said DF had put on weight soon after giving birth which DHTB and I shut down pretty quickly. That's all I can think of. I do hope she's okay; she always seemed happy

Saying it's her birthday is a pathetic excuse. She is not 6years old. Presumably she can attend a wedding on her birthday. What if she had to work on her birthday? She sounds totally narcissistic.

So sorry that your 'friend' has behaved appallingly but at least you can move on without her now I suppose.
Utterly crap to treat someone like that just a few weeks before their wedding though

Sounds like she is no friend so I would let this friendship go. Have a lovely wedding day and move on from this.

I’m so sorry for you and your friend. I would cool th3 friendship in your head but keep your heart open for her in case it is controlling.

I had a friend at university that was with someone and she shut us off, didn’t go to nights out to spend time with her bf, and we were 19 so we thought they were just “too into each other” then she split and cut us off too because we should hav3 realised she was in an unhappy controlling relationship.

I still feel bad about that but we did try, maybe not hard enough but it’s difficult when they are so engaged.

Don’t give her the dress and do invite people in their place.

I wish you a lovely wedding and it goes by in a flash so try and take a few moments to take it all in.

He's a DICK.... and he's has done this deliberately... so you're out of pocket... She's just as bad for following his behaviour

I think her DH is a controlling git and has now very cleverly managed to separate her from her friend. But that does not absolve her from responsability in this and, if I were you, I would not be there for her when it all goes tits up.

I am lucky enough to have 2 BFFs and both accepted the invitation to my wedding.

However, shortly afterwards, the (dickhead) DH of one of them sent this sad letter detailing why they couldn't come. It took my friend 12 years to get rid of the controlling fucker, and now she says she had no part in the letter that he sent.

It sounds like your friend may have her own problems Katharine. She has behaved appallingly all the same.

I hope you have the most amazing wedding day, and forget about her! She may come back, she may not, but do not let her ruin your special day x

I'd be peed off, I also wouldn't miss someone's wedding because it was my birthday. A wedding happens once (hopefully) you have a birthday every year.

@iTonya I've got tickets to this gig actually..

I'm not entirely convinced that she really feels this way about your HTB. I think she may be pretending to feel the same as her DH to put up a 'united' front. She's then attacking you to make you feel bad. Not a nice person tbh. You just go and have a fabulous wedding and a wonderful life together, without them!

After reading other post they do make a very valid point re controlling behaviour on behalf of her 'd'h (no experience so didn't think of it till it was pointed out). She may well be being manipulated into this. However for me she hasn't really expressed any remorse for dropping out and upsetting someone she has always been close to! Or expressed strong personal opinions to warrant it so if she is being controlled she seems to still be very much blind to that fact (that's just my take people with experience can advise much better I'm sure). I would still disenge for now i'd probably remove from social media but keep a line open by not blocking her number. If this is due to controlling behaviour she can try again when the fog lifts, but I don't think right now you are best places to help her unfortunately. I think anything you say now however valid will be twisted into bitterness on your part by her 'd' h and used to validate his point! Do you share any other friends? I would possibly if you think appropriate raise the concerns with them and hope that they maybe better placed to help right now!

I didn’t go to a wedding on my big birthday and as I was away I didn’t phone beforehand to wish them luck. I’d sent a regret card explaining I’d be on holiday.
They returned my present with a snotty note saying I obviously don’t think they’re good friends of mine.
I was seriously upset but couldn’t believe they’d go to the trouble of packing the gift, paying hefty postage and write a sour note.

Hmmm. I too smell the stench of controlling arsehole husband here.
I had a boyfriend like this once, for (luckily) less than a year - thankfully for me he moved on! - and he used to get the right hump about me going places without him, or to places he didn't want to go to, or places he didn't want ME to go to. It was quite horrible how he reacted - but because we hadn't been together that long and I was old enough to say "fuck off, I'll go if I want to!", I still went along to whatever I wanted to.

I'm sorry that she's let you down like this but I would take her up on her offer to buy the dress off you - like you said, what else are you going to do with it? - and I'd just leave it for now. She's not at a stage to disclose IF there is anything untoward going on in her marriage, but if you do really care about her, leave a door open for the future, just in case.

I agree with SJN71. I would definitely cool the friendship but check in from time to time to make sure she's ok.

In the meantime though, forget about them and focus on your STBDH, your fabulous day and all the far nicer friends you've got coming. I hope it's one of the best days of your life!

For what it's worth, my best friend (who I'm still really close to) was my maid of honour at my wedding many years ago. She went very weird as the date got nearer and became distant and, I felt, very unsupportive.

I have such wonderful memories of our wedding day but she doesn't figure in them as she was sort of skulking in the background the whole time with her then BF.

She had told me the year before however, when she was going through a hard time, that I was one of those people who just seemed to have it all and that it got to her sometimes. I was shocked as she was clearly wrong, but I've always referenced that in the (thankfully rare) occasions that she's 'played up' since.

I didn't feel able to invite close friends to my wedding because of DH. Nothing was implicit but I was weak. Stronger now.

Could be much more than meets the eye. Don't rush to judge.

Me and my husband had a small wedding just us, the kids, his brother &wife and my brother and my best friend of 20 years who i was inseperable from and she then turned round a couple of days before the wedding and said she had to work which i accepted as shes a carer only for on the day her to post on facebook she was out for lunch with her friends (same time as our wedding). Fair to say ive not spoken to her in over 2 years now. Your friend clearly has a hidden agenda and obviously isnt that much of a friend if she cant a) be honest and b) refuse as its her birthday. Birthdays dont mean as much now were adults! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding x

Just because you can’t be sure how controlling he is, I wouldn’t completely disappear from her life as she might need you in the future. But I would take a step away, focus more on people you & your stbh get on with.

That’s a shame though.

Don't worry about her. She's not worth it. People go weird about weddings. I had a 'friend' who was my bridesmaid, paid loads of money for her dress, accommodation etc and because I didn't refer to her as my 'best friend ' at the wedding she walked out of our wedding and she hasn't spoken to us in 3 years. Be grateful that she won't be in your wedding photos and enjoy your special day.

So sorry to hear that your friend is being like that. I would consider the friendship well and truly over. Would you not consider asking another of your friends or family member to step in her place and just explain you were let down by someone? I know it makes the replacement sound like a second choice but may be the solution and a better choice? What ever you decide, enjoy your day and don't let selfish people like that ruin it for you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad. I agree, sounds like this friend is living with a controlling man. Maybe you can help her ?
Maybe an email, saying that all is not clear, she should be able to go without him, or he should be able to go for her, whether or not he likes your STBH.
Its not all about him... You have been her friend longer than he has been her husband, & this smacks of abusive behaviour, you are worried about her.

I agree with SJN71 that there could be a controlling jealous husband behind it trying to ruin your friendship.I'd say cool things but don't cut her off completely as she may well need you in the future if things go tits up for her.