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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend won't come to my wedding.

765 replies

KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:46

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 07/04/2018 10:55

However for me she hasn't really expressed any remorse for dropping out and upsetting someone she has always been close to!
This ^^. If she was being controlled then she'd be apologetic about letting OP down. She obviously doesn't give a shit and so I'd wave goodbye.

Lweji · 07/04/2018 10:59

If she was being controlled then she'd be apologetic about letting OP down.

Not if she was trying to convince herself and her friend that her OH isn't abusive.
She'd rather give the impression that it's her idea too than admit there's a problem in her relationship.

She may well be as you say, but not necessarily.

Lively123 · 07/04/2018 11:13

My ex fiancé didn't like one of my school friends and tried to break up the friendship. I resisted but the friendship did suffer as he wouldn't socialise with her. He was a controlling insecure person and even tried to control who I was friends with when I was breaking up with him. Your friend's husband sounds like a similar type of person. Your friend sounds like his unreasonable behaviour has rubbed off on her! Really not worth it, you will make new friends who will be true ❤️

Have a wonderful day and blissfully happy marriage xxx

AllNamesTakenhell · 07/04/2018 11:21

Whether she has a controlling husband or not she has treated her best friend terribly. Being abused or controlled doesnt mean someone can expected people to hang around if you treat them badly. You can hope they will understand and forgive when they know, but they dont have to remain friends. Op doesnt have to be there for her friend on the possibility she is being abused. She may chose to but equally it is fine not too.

Thats if the friend even is being controlled, she may just have not valued the friendship.

Piwi1625 · 07/04/2018 11:21

That is very strange indeed! She obviously knew it was going to be on her birthday beforehand, who would miss a best friends wedding and knowing that they are suppose to be participating as a bridesmaid due to a birthday? Jealousy maybe?

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 07/04/2018 11:33

Piwi1625 read the full thread maybe?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 07/04/2018 11:44

I suspect that it's totally her DH that is saying no to the wedding and she's agreeing because she doesn't have much choice

Ssarah39 · 07/04/2018 12:19

I've read through some of the posts and have since changed my view. It sounds as if your friend is being controlled, how she behaves as a result of that isn't her fault. It's the fault of the controlling partner. By the friend not going, the controlling partner has got his way. The friend may have been a bit blase about her reason for not going but she probably isn't able to face up or admit she is in a controlling relationship and easier to go along with him to keep the peace. Keep in touch with her, dont hold it against her that she isnt going, because one day she when she is ready to face up to her controlling partner she will need you more than ever.

goodomens830 · 07/04/2018 13:43

Obviously more going on that just a birthday. If she doesn't give a proper and reasonable explanation, it would be the end of the friendship for me.

Gemini69 · 07/04/2018 13:47

I hope OP's dusted herself down and focusing on herself and her STBDH.. and their Wedding plans...

don't give this vile couple the satisfaction of believing they have damaged any plans for your Wedding.. Screw them Flowers

emmyrose2000 · 07/04/2018 13:50

Whether she has a controlling husband or not she has treated her best friend terribly. Being abused or controlled doesn't mean someone can expected people to hang around if you treat them badly. You can hope they will understand and forgive when they know, but they dont have to remain friends. Op doesnt have to be there for her friend on the possibility she is being abused. She may chose to but equally it is fine not too

Thats if the friend even is being controlled, she may just have not valued the friendship

Agreed. Sometimes people are just areseholes and there's no justifiable excuse for their actions.

I'd dump these classless cretins in a heartbeat.

KERALA1 · 07/04/2018 14:10

God I would be so tempted to message "neither of us can stand your dh either please don't contact me again".

I have on very few occasions been treated badly by "friends" as a young adult and looking back regret not speaking out. When bridges are burnt as they are here what is there to lose?

bonnyshide · 07/04/2018 14:11

She has behaved badly and is not a friend, it seems she does just what her DH says and doesn't take responsibility for her poor and hurtful decision as her DH is the one calling the shots and in her mind their hurtful behaviour is therefore justified.

At least you aren't paying to feed and water these knob heads on your special day. They've done you a favour by showing you what arseholes they are.

Onwards and upwards, have a lovely wedding day and enjoy it with your real friends.

KERALA1 · 07/04/2018 14:17

Very saintly to read into this that he is an evil controller and she is an innocent victim who might one day need ops "support" Hmm. She's a sentient adult who has chosen to treat an old and good friend appallingly. She can fuck off frankly.

Have a lovely wedding op x

blueduvetface · 07/04/2018 14:34

Some serious projecting and jumping to conclusions here.

She may even be making it up as she's jealous/ doesn't like him herself.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 14:46

He's loud, confident slightly obnoxious and once he said DF had put on weight soon after giving birth which DHTB and I shut down pretty quickly. That's all I can think of. I do hope she's okay; she always seemed happy

I bet this is why they're not going^. He was probably seething that you and DHTB put him firmly in his place and now this is his 'revenge'

TomRavenscroft · 07/04/2018 15:17

If she was being controlled then she'd be apologetic about letting OP down. She obviously doesn't give a shit

Is this necessarily true? Thankfully I don't have experience or knowledge of controlling behaviour, but I can imagine that someone might want to put a 'public face' on it, IYSWIM, to the extent of pretending that everything was OK.

That said, I'm still tending towards thinking she's a twat.

She wants the dress? Confused That's quite weird.

KERALA1 · 07/04/2018 15:20

We had this the other way round dh couldn't stand my friends dh but only because he had seen him be so horrible to her and made her cry. Dh was horrified and just couldn't move on from it. We were both invited to the wedding dh got all excited when she was late as was convinced she had "seen the light" at the last minute...

Brides father felt the same it transpired due to his carefully worded speech..

ilovegin112 · 07/04/2018 15:32

KERALA1

Did your friend ever leave her husband?

Dahlietta · 07/04/2018 15:33

I don’t think she particularly ‘wants the dress’, to be fair - she just wants to get to keep it if she’s going to pay for it.

KERALA1 · 07/04/2018 15:35

No. They essentially lead separate lives but are still married. It's not like any other marriage I have ever seen. He works away a lot. We don't meet up as couples...

NewPapaGuinea · 07/04/2018 17:21

They’re doing you a favour if that’s their attitude. If they came harbouring dislike towards the groom they’d risk souring the atmosphere.

Lweji · 07/04/2018 17:37

A dominant - submissive relationship can only work well when the dominant person has the submissive's person best interests at heart.

Lweji · 07/04/2018 17:45

Ups, sorry, wrong thread. Stupid phone.

Flyingpompom · 07/04/2018 18:22

OP, I hesitate to say this because it sounds like you have a lot going on, but are you sure it's her bloke that's the problem, not yours? That's not meant to be a dig, at all. If this is out of character for her, then maybe just give it some consideration.

I've been in a relationship with an arsehole more than once, and you often can't see the wood for the trees. Your friends can, though.

'Dry sense of humour' tends to be code for 'insults people to their faces'.

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