Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

I was all for waiting to get to the root of the problem and showing understanding but after reading your updates I'd have nothing further to do with her.

I'd tell your DP and others close to you what's happened, have a family member or one of the other bridesmaids drop her dress round to her and just don't reply to any further messages.

Your DH to be, family and true friends are the ones that matter, have an amazing Wedding Day

Wow, what a self centered bitch. I wouldn't have any sympathy re the controlling/dickhead DH, particularly given her blase attitude in talking to you. Dump and move on

Utter madness. Letting a good friend down and pandering at last minute to a partner who is acting like a spoilt child

Why on earth should OP go out of her way to avoid booking her wedding on a friend’s birthday?! It happens every year, a wedding once. If you avoided all guests birthdays that would narrow your dates! We had two friends with a birthday on our wedding day and we mentioned them in the speeches to make sure they weren’t ignored. I think they found a weddng a fun and novel birthday activity. They certainly didn’t suggest they might not come because if it! That’s rather self-centred.The friend is BVU!

oops, might have missed a back story as I haven’t read the entire thread!

Thanks for updating.
Your friend is either a horrible person and not worth keeping in touch with, or in a relationship with a very controlling man.
Unless you have changed your fiance (!!) since she agreed to be bridesmaid, booked meals etc., then she should obviously have told him that she was going anyway. That is unbelievably rude behaviour.

It doesnt matter why she has done this. For all we know she cares little. Her actions certainly point that way.

Whatever her reasoning, she has hurt and upset her friend.

Well she's chosen her DH over you. It wouldn't have been so bad if she'd come on her own and left him behind, but this is just a kick in the teeth.

Does she realise it's the end of the road friendship wise? Or does she think you are being unreasonable for not understanding?

As much as I think she’s a t*at, I’m hearing some serious alarm-bells about the nature of her relationship that means I do also feel a tad sorry for her. It reads to me like she’s with a very controlling, unhappy man and subsequently she’s making shot decisions and crappy choices based on his influence. So sorry for you to be caught in it OP as I don’t believe this really is about your DH to be at all and rather just another attempt at control over your friend. I’d probably agree there is no recovery from a friendship point of view of this continues, but if you do consider her a true friend I’d probably close things off by letting her know that if she ever needed you (as she may well need a shoulder when she faces her DHs wrath and things go swiftly south) that you’ll always lend an ear. You can walk away with head held high too. Have a wonderful wedding, please don’t let this marr one of the best days of your life to come - big hugs xxx

*shit decisions, obviously

Why wouldn’t she? It’s her choice when her wedding is and the birthday hasn’t changed. So she should have said at the beginning no

Sorry this has happened to you, OP. I wouldn't waste any more time worrying about her and whether or not her H is controlling (not impossible, but it sounds more likely that she just is a bit of a twat). At least the venue are happy to rearrange so you can either drop the four meals or invite someone else you would like to have there. And up to you whether or not you sell her the dress (do it after the wedding so she can't fuck you about any more).

And, just in case, have a plan B. If she's the manipulative, selfish one, she might decide a week before the wedding that she's changed her mind back again - in which case, tell her that it's too late, sorry, bye...

Hole she's paying you back for the dress and the meals.

I hate it when people agree to something then you go out and pay the costs for them not to show up...

Dear OP. Its horrible and unfathomable when friends really let you down badly. I am so sorry and hope it doesn't take the shine off your day.

I would not be able to forgive her for this - it would definitely be friendship over.

She's probably got a post about you like this on the internet somewhere the other way around lol. She likely wasnt mad at first then simmered over it. A good friend wouldn't care, she obviously wants all the attention to be on her not you.

Oh dear, this is sad. I'm sorry for you, OP. I think she is not the friend you thought she was.

FWIW I can't stand my best friend's partner and DH doesn't like him either but we still hang out with him, annoying as he is, because we recognise that he and she come as a package and respect her choices even if we wouldn't make those choices ourselves.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

Oops I didn't realise this thread was so big/long..didnt read the updates. One of my bridesmaids was a total douche and acted like a douche after the wedding and we fell out for 2 years. Recently back in touch but it will never be the same. So sorry this is the outcome, it hurts and in a lot of ways I really missed her.
She apologised for being an awful friend, so at least she recognised she was I guess.

OP, sometimes so called friends do things that hurt us and we never know why and it is shit. I am sorry that this has happened but maybe better than her hubby attending with her and ruining your day by making snide comments about her birthday.
It does sound like he is a controlling prick and if he didn't want to come she should have made the choice to attend with her children.
Personally I would charge her for the dress and the fitting costs, arrange to do a swap and be very honest with her about how hurt you are. After this don't contact her again and certainly don't send a birthday card or text.

YANBU. My brother got married on my birthday and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. I think that year I had my birthday meal the day before. Not a problem

I did have a friend who asked me to be maid of honour when we weren’t that friendly any more and she arranged her hen doo on my birthday weekend. She didn’t like it when I couldn’t go as I had a prebooked holiday arranged. She ended up pretty much ignoring me at the wedding which I thought was juvenile! Oh well

I’m so sorry. You’ve at least got the answer now. It seems so strange she’s blasé about the situation. Either she has a controlling personality or she’s being controlled. It’s really impossible to know which. You know her better than us.

She then mentioned the food but I said save the money and enjoy a nice birthday cake.

Well said. Excellent!

is it a special birthday for her ? ...i do agree its a bit rude telling you now that she wont be attending once everything is paid for.
Dont let it ruin the run up to your wedding

One day she may look back and feel sorry that she’s lost a good friend because of her husband’s miserable behaviour. Hopefully she will regret it.

Is her husband less educated than your DP? Some men can’t stand feeling inferior even if everyone else if completely unaware of the difference. That’s both pathetic and immature. Lucky old her.

Ime dry sense of humour is usually polite code for rude and insensitive so I can understand why your DP isn't their cup of tea but their behaviour is equally rude.

There won't be any coming back for your friendship from this so probably a blessing in disguise that it's happened now, I don't suppose you'd want any hypocrites at your wedding anyway

She gets a birthday every year. How many weddings you planning on having?
Sorry but for me she'd be an ex friend with a bill for the money I wasted on something she agreed to do (which I'm sure she wouldn't pay but she ought to have some reminder of your day and her bloody selfishness)