Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

That's true. Some women are scared to go to things on their own. It could be that. If he refuses because he's so anti-social then she'd be on her own, but when you're a bridesmaid you're in the wedding party!

Actally maybe that is why he wont go because she'd be in the wedding party.

OP - that's pretty upsetting for you. Hope you are OK.

I’d love to go to a wedding on my bday - esp if it was a close friend - wouldn’t bother me at all.

I had a friend (who at the time I considered my best friend) and when DH and I got engaged she went all weird. I was hoping she'd be my bridesmaid or at the least be happy! Then told me she didn't think he was right and didn't like him so would t come to the wedding. I thought it was strange and was upset as they had always seemed to get along really well and have a laugh etc. Then I heard from another friend who I confided in about how odd it all was and she told me that the friend had a massive crush on DH and had actually been hoping we'd split up so us getting engaged was the last straw! Haven't seen her for twenty years now. Sometimes you really don't know your friends the way you think you do. Have a lovely wedding OP.

Just read your update / her dh sounds like a right barrel of laughs, no doubt he’s behind this. That would be end of friendship for me too, sorry.

WTAF?! I’m not particularly keen on two of my closest friends’ husbands but I was still MOH at both of their weddings. I was there for my friends who wanted my support on their big days.
Do you have to like you the partners of your friends? You are marrying your DP not her so I can’t see why it’s an issue.
She’s a dickhead but her DH is an even bigger dickhead.

At least you have the full story now. That would be the end of my friendship with her unfortunately. Invite 4 people on your evening list instead that you couldn't fit in before. Sell the dress or give it to charity.

You'll have a great wedding day. She'll have a shit birthday cos all she will think of is that she should have been your bridesmaid and she isn't cos her husband was being a dick.

I don't expect my husband to be best friends with my friends or husbands. But I expect them to be polite to them

she doesn't deserve your friendship KathrineMayfair
leave them to it

Oh, that's shite. I can't stand one of my DP's best male friends, but if he got married and DP and I were invited I'd bloody well go and be gracious about it. Because I'm an adult. She needs to grow the fuck up and so does her DH. OR she can tell him fine if he wants to be a baby, but she's a bridesmaid so she's going.

How did the conversation actually go? Did you get across how upset you are?

PS OP I think you sound like a good friend.
You have merely stated the facts as they unfolded and haven't said anything negative about your friend.

Is her husband abusive, and trying to isolate her do you think? Surely it’s not normal to force a bridesmaid not to attend just because the partners don’t like each other.

Very sad for her and you.

Xxxxxxxx

I'm sure there are far more deserving girls worthy of filling in as your Bridesmaid .... get yourself a replacement and have a wonderful day... forget your so called 'friend'

I have also known men who would sabotage social arrangements as part of their abuse of partners. Sometimes it was about control, and about wanting to cause as much humiliation and embarrassment to the partner as possible (this would usually involve a long game, of dangling the threat of stopping the partner going, in order to make the partner extra compliant.) Sometimes it was just idleness or selfishness - they would not be fussed about going, might shrug and agree to go, and then at the last minute they would decide that something else (usually going off with their friends/getting drunk the night before/just refusing to get out of bed) was preferable.

That’s appalling!
OP you must be very hurt; have a wallow this weekend then come Monday, get to grips with the practicalities if seeking refunds/replacing guests etc. It’s coming up for prom season as well as wedding season so you stand a good chance of selling the dress and recouping some money.

Have a lovely wedding day when it comes.

She was pretty chill and blasé about it. Sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed saying it in a not caring, matter-of-fact way. I was gutted.

She didn't seem sheepish or upset or anything

It does sound as if the birthday is an excuse and not the real reason, so I wouldn't take it to heart. It might well be that her partner is being controlling and trying to isolate her.

OP tell her she has to pay for her food and dress! This is a fucking pisstake - I can't believe she values your friendship if she won't come because "DH doesn't like your stb DH". WTF!? I have plenty of friends whose partners I am not over-enamoured with, but who gives a damn because they are my friends and it is THEIR DECISION who they marry. What a twat.

oh that is utter shit! Im sorry OP, she isnt your friend.

Oh re the money.

She offered to pay for the dress if she could have it. I said fine, what else was I going to do for it? She then mentioned the food but I said save the money and enjoy a nice birthday cake.

I called the catering and they said they could amend the menu or refund t so I can either invite people or get the money back.

I'm so sorry, OP, just seen your update, that does sound very unkind. You handled it very well, though. Definitely not a friend. Just enjoy celebrating your special day with your real friends.

She is a shit friend OP, sorry. A good friend would never tell you so bluntly that someone didn’t like your stbh 2 months before your wedding, controlling husband or not.

I’d have to reply with something like “fair enough you and your oh don’t like my stbh. However I asked you to be a bm for me. To be there for me, not my stbh. I didn’t ask you to be my bm lightly. I actually valued your friendship. I’m pretty shocked at how off the mark I was with you. I’m so cross you didn’t say something earlier. Going along with being my bm and then bailing 2 months before my wedding with those comments is just cruel.”

I’d also be tempted to say “I’d have been over the moon if you had told me your oh couldn’t come but you could. He is a loud mouthed over bearing gobshite but it felt rude not to invite him as your plus one.”

Obviously the second bit is very childish...

She enjoyed seeing you hurt.... she knew you wouldn't kick off or be nasty.. it's not in your nature... so she thinks she can shit all over you and sneer at you......

she's not a Victim at all she's a twisted calculating witch... her husband is probably living in hell with her... she's the Boss.. not Him

don't converse with her again.. block her and move forward with your own family ..

So sorry to hear this OP. That is awful.

FWIW I love a dry sense of humour, it's the best sort! And I bet your friend's DH is insecure and feels threatened by your HTB's intelligence and wit.

I'm afraid to say it would be the end of the friendship for me. I would walk over hot coals not to miss a good friends wedding and I wouldn't be with a guy who would do this.

My friend who I've known for just about all my life, I don't really like her DH (if the truth were known) but I've never shown it, I keep it to myself, I work really hard at getting on with him .... all because she is my good friend and she made a choice in her life to marry him.

I'm sure it's very hurtful OP but try and put it behind you ... good luck with your wedding.