Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

I feel hurt on your behalf.
It can't be the birthday thing ( I've never met an adult who put any sort of importance on a birthday ) so maybe she has something else going on in her life? Relationship problems or serious family illness might possibly mean a friend might behave like this. If it isn't that scenario it is shabby. Try not to dwell on it as it doesn't sound as if it is anything to do with you. Get a refund for the meal if you can.

What a pair of cunts

How was it left?

My husband and I went to my distance cousin's wedding some time ago. I didn't like the bride much but it was his choice. We went and enjoyed the wedding.
My sister was a bridesmaid at the cousin's wedding were she didn't like the bride. It was amazing wedding! 12 years later they've got 2 children and everything's fine.
OP, have a lovely wedding !

I’m very sorry for you OP. Has your DP given them any reason to take a dislike to him? Also do they have an emotional attachment /friendship to any previous partners you may have had?
To be fair it doesn’t surprise me that her husband might mention a concern very late in the day. My experience with men is that you have to drag information out of them. My DH kept avoiding a set of acquaintances we had started to socialise with. He finally told me that he found my friends DH’s job “morally reprehensible “ 🙁Can you be certain that your friends misgivings about your DH are totally without merit?

Sorry I missed your updates but I see that 'DF' does have a serious problem and that is her husband. I am sorry to hear that you have been treated like this but as I said up thread this is all about your friend and not you

I would suggest that the only man he would be happy about you being with is him....

Wow very strange, maybe he is controlling- no one knew my exh was.

I know I'm not going to express this very well, but, here goes.

She said that she feels like she has to support his decision

Generally, the decision that gets supported is one made by the primary person in a situation. Your BF is the one who was to be your bridesmaid. not her OH, who barely knows your fiance. I guess I mean to say that he is a minor player in this, yet she is allowing him to dictate.

Or she really, really doesn't like your fiance and is blaming him for her decision to let you down.

In any case, I can't imagine how you would ever talk to her again. Do you have mutual friends?

How did she seem when she told you OP? Was her DH there at the time? If she looked really upset and uncomfortable I’d be inclined to not make contact myself but if she needed a shoulder in future then maybe still be a friend given she is likely in an abusive relationship.

^^ This.

Either
a) she is in a controlling relationship and being forced to do something she doesn't want (hurt her oldest friend terribly) by her DP - in which case she will have seemed conflicted and upset about it and remorseful
or
b) she is genuinely cluelessly oblivious to what an absolutely appalling way to behave this is
or
c) she doesn't actually like you.

I'd be pretty furious with anyone who had accepted an invite to my wedding and then decided with weeks to go that they'd rather stay in and eat cake. The fact she's supposed to be your bridesmaid is .

I hope she is not in a controlling relationship, for her sake, but I think all you can do now is back off entirely, tell her how hurt you are but that you'll always be there for her in the future should she need you, and then let contact drop.

She is not a friend :-( I have rtft and cannot quite believe what I have read. She has treated you very very badly.

Oh OP my DMs new DH is very reserved and shy and his humour is VERY dry, her best friend hated him because he wasn't loud and laddish like my DF is. It was really hard for her as she is much more suited to her current DH than she ever was my DF. They did overcome it but it took a while but once they knew him they realised they had been unfair. They all recently went on holiday together and had a great time.

Sorry, just seen that she said that she also isn't keen on your fiance.

Bloody hell, OP, how horrible

Unless you have the most terrible manners and social skills, you just get on with it go to occasions if it is your partner's best friend. So what if her DP doesn't like yours? So what if even she doesn't like your DP. She is supposed to be YOUR friend.

I still think 'something' is going on: either one or both of them know something abut your DP, or she is being controlled. I think you should ask her outright. I would say 'Ok, he isn't your favourite person, but if you have any loyalty left to me whatsoever, is there anything I should know that you can tell me?"

Which is why a sensible person would have waited to post anything before hearing her best friend's side of the story.

MN would be a fecking desert then wouldn't it Shatners??

How was it left OP? Have you got plans to see each other in the near future?
Did you remind her of the costs you've incurred?
What have you told your DF?

Well sorry but I wouldn't be there for her in the future. 😡

I admit I am a very unforgiving person anyway but this woman has known about this wedding for months, agreed to be bridesmaid and had a dress bought and altered specifically for her, ordered meals to her, her DH's and DC's tastes all of which she knows full well will have cost OP/DP a substantial sum. If her DH didn't like OP's DP then he will have known this for ages and they will have discussed between themselves many times in private.

This to me smacks of jealousy! I wonder if OP's DP has a better job, is more financially secure, from a more upmarket family/area or similar.
They are certainly treating OP and her STBDH as if to say, "Fuck 'em, they can afford it." I don't care how controlling the "Friend's" DH may or may not be, no way would she have told the OP in such a callous, couldn't care less fashion and so close to the wedding.

Following this, if she needed me in the future I would take smug pleasure in suggesting I was rather busy eating cake at the moment. The friendship is and should be well and truly over unless *Katherine fancies having mug printed on her forehead 👿

Illustrious Nah, because we'd probably still have got the thread later tonight or first thing tomorrow with the actual issue to discuss rather than speculation.

Completely out of order. Fair enough they dont like your fiance and dont want to come. Very sad but they can feel that way and accept the consequence to your friendship.

Complete shits for accepting the invite, putting in food choices and chosing a dress.

I wouldn't send a bill but how about messaging to let her know how disappointed you are, especially as she means so much to you and also as she knew you were paying for things, and let her know how much you've spent. If she's a decent person, I think she'll reimburse you.

Her husband sounds a bit imperious. I don't like your friend's husband to be so neither of us will be going.

Sounds very odd that she's suddenly decided all of this. A few of my friends have married people I'm not that keen on but I tolerate them for my friend. The dynamics change but the friendship remains regardless. As others have said, either her DH is being controlling (presumably you know what he's like?) or there's something else going on. I am. It sure your friendship is salvageable after this now though

That's so awful. I would send her a message saying how disappointed you are, after all who you're marrying doesn't really have anything to do with them and 'supporting' her husband on this seems ridiculous seeing that they've only met a handful of times. And make it clear that you would have expected her to come anyway seeing as they're separate people and not joined at the hip!

Wow :( what an awful response, sounds like she doesn’t care. Unless he is seriously controlling there is no way she should be backing out. She should pay for the dress, I know it’s not about the money, but it would make a point at least.

My xh used to pull an argument out of nowhere every time we were due to go anywhere. It was so exhausting.

I would tell her that she'll be missed because she's important to you, not because of the dress she was going to wear. Tell her to come to the ceremony in her jeans if the notion takes her.

Honestly think this is her husband pressuring to cut you off. If he is controlling then you will be more of a unit (stronger as a pair) and he will be seeing you two as a unit and himself as just one person to influence his wife. Obviously this might not be the case but this is EXACTLY how my xh functioned and he regularly agreed to go to things and then changed his mind. It was torture and so embarrassing.

It's not necessarily that he is controlling. Sounds like it's all the excuse she needed. And she's not a great friend at all. Some women refuse to do anything without their partner (where there is no control involved) and it sounds like she is one of them. I'd be making it clear this has really soured your friendship.