Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

Your friend should be dumped and you should have a lovely wedding.

Unbelievable! Was it a really awkward conversation or was she pretty blasé about it? Really feel for you OP. Weddings bring out the weird. I am past that stage now and really miss them but definitely not all the oddball, weird, controlling behaviour it brings out in people.

Do you have the sense she at least knew it is an awful and rude thing to do? She must surely have had a lot of discussion hind the scenes with him before getting to his point.

Some pre-bridal for you.

Oh how horrid for you OP, but really this friendship is over isn't it?

One of my BF that I have been close to since we were teenagers, married an absolute cunt. I hated him (still do) as did many of her close friends, but we went to the wedding to support her. She knew I didn't like him, and why, but I did my best to get along, and consoled her when that marriage ended.

It's really not unusual to dislike your friends DP or that your DP dislikes a friends DP. Most people aren't so bloody nasty about it though.

She is no friend sorry op

It's very likely he just doesn't want to go to the wedding and is using it as an excuse.

Or he's jealous or feels threatened of your Dh in some way and doesn't want to see a day where he's in the spotlight.

Or it's a way to control her.

Either way, fuck it, she's a shit friend. Sorry op.

Utterly awful behaviour perfectly fine to not come but you never decline after accepting for this sort of made up reason

That's horrible OP I'm sorry! Your friendship should come first. If my DH didn't like a friends partner I would tell him to stay home and still go so I think that's really out of order. Not sure you can forgive this. It would be the end of the friendship for me.

I'm so sorry OP. This is going to make it very difficult to carry on the friendship in the future. This has made me remember the time I met up with a friend, her husband, my dh and our dcs. Only dh didn't know them as I was at school with DF and her dh. Her dh told me if id married the guy I was with before he'd not have met up. They had a falling out 16 years prior to the meeting !!

I'm so sorry OP. That must be upsetting for you. Is she scared of him? Do you think he's abusive? I think that for now your friendship is over but she might need you in the future to help her pick up the pieces if it turns out that there's more to this than she's happy to reveal now.

Unless your DP is a right knob, has been rude to them, or they think he has treated you badly, then they should just get on with it. Your partner choice is your choice! If your friend loves you, it shouldn't matter if she or her husband like your DP. They are not marrying him! I would worry this could be your friend's dp controlling her, alienating her from friends etc. Or she's a dick. Are there any other warning signs from her dp?

Sorry OP. Unfortunately it sounds like you're best off without this couple.

Please enjoy your day and don't let it ruin it.

Oh @KatherineMayfair I’m so sorry, I’d try no to take it too personally but as PPs have pointed out, it sounds like your friend is in a controlling relationship. In light of that I’d not cut her off - you never know when she’ll need support to stand up to him/ltb.

My Dsis DH is like this - she goes along with his controlling bullshit and puts on a brave face/pretends what he wants is what she wants. I don’t probe (it seems to make her dig her heals in and cling to him more) but I’m biding my time for when she sees the light - hopefully.

So sorry OP I hadn’t read the thread.

Still at least you know their true colours and in not coming there’s 2 less people who’s opinions you don’t need present.

I have read the whole thread Katherine and I am so sorry you are being treated so appallingly by a so called friend. ☹️

FWIW I would try and look at this with a view to onwards and upwards. I seriously think you have dodged a bullet with this family. Very lowlife/classless behaviour by them. Hopefully you can obtain a refund with regards to the meals and so would only lose out on the dress. (See it as a good investment in discovering what sort of person she really is.)

I would look forward to your new, exciting life with your STBDH and cut these people out of your lives completely. She is NOT your friend! A true friend would NEVER put you through this.

Have a fabulous wedding day Katherine which - once you have recovered from your obvious current distress - will be so much the better by being surrounded PURELY by people who love and respect you both.

From experience, although it hurts it is better in the long run to know now and move on. Really not a true friend to you. Glad you got to the real answer in the end. Have a fabulous wedding day and a wonderful married life !

Ok, so she doesn't want to go because her DH doesn't like your fiancé. Fine. Dickish and childish, but fine.

For her then to say that she isn't very keen on your fiancé and wants to spend the day quietly at home, is the icing on the dickish cake.

She wants to get at you. Can you think of any reason, any jealousy on her part, any new friends she has?

His was it left? How did end? Did she offer to pay for the dress? Meals etc?

Sorry OP, I would be very hurt too. Still, I can't help but feel there's more going on than what she's said.

I would back away, but keep the door open for her.

Was the cost of the dress mentioned?
Did you ask her why she bothered to say yes and cause loads of problems for you?

Is she five years old? Then she can be a fucking grownup about her birthday. She presumably knows the reasons you had to pick that date. Cancel her, get rid. She's clearly more bothered about blowing out her candles and eating her jelly and ice cream with her new Dolly than she is about your friendship.

Yes meant to say. Don't give her a thought on your wedding day and enjoy every moment.

And when other guests ask where is x? Tell them that she is at home having her birthday cake no need to elaborate further.

How odd! It seems you aren't as close as you thought because there's only two scenarios here. One is that her DH is a controlling tosser but you're not close enough for her to confide in you and/or for you to see that's what he is.
Or something happened between her DH and your DP between her agreeing to be bridesmaid and her deciding she couldn't attend but she doesn't feel she can tell you what it was.
Either way, your friendship isn't what you thought - which is sad but also good to know.

Probably end of the road for this friendship. Enjoy your day and let her think about what she has done to your friendship. You have been reasonable and kind, don’t let it ruin your day

Was she your only bridesmaid? Just asking as you said she chose her dress so I was wondering if she's your only one or you have several in different styles of dress.