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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend won't come to my wedding.

765 replies

KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:46

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 05/04/2018 20:12

Awwlook I trust you're being ironic? You get married (one hopes) the once. Birthdays for adults - even landmark ones - are far more frequent. Trying to dodge all the guests' birthdays (and it appears, their children's - here's looking at you, Karak ) would be a nightmare of untold proportions. On top of which the OPs erstwhile bridesmaid clearly agreed to be bridesmaid knowing the date, she chose a dress, let it be altered to fit AND ordered 4 meals with her RSVP. So clearly at one point being a bridesmaid on her birthday didn't affect her.

Plsadvise · 05/04/2018 20:19

I don't want to worry or upset you but another reason people sometimes don't go to weddings is if they feel that they can't support the marraige.

I know its probably the last thing you want to think about but you know her better than most. What would she do if eg she knew your boyfriend had cheated; or was in loads of debt and hadn't told you; or she suspected he was abusive etc.

You don't have to reply to that here but if your answer would be "she would make an excuse and not come to the wedding" then I think you need to dig a lot deeper before your big day.

RawhideRingpiece · 05/04/2018 20:23

She’s being a cow.

Gemini69 · 05/04/2018 20:26

Why the heck would someone troll through OP's previous Threads/Posts ? Hmm

BackforGood · 05/04/2018 20:26

Hidden and AwLook surely must be being sarcastic? Nobody could seriously expect people to try to co-ordinate their wedding date avoiding all their friends birthdays, could they ? Hmm

I like Mix56's advice on about P3.

Clearly this isn't because it is her birthday. Even if there were a person bonkers enough to not be able to go out on their birthday, then she would have realised that when the day was first mentioned, and would have declined then. You need to say (when you meet her tomorrow) "Look, I know this isn't about your birthday as clearly that hasn't changed since you agreed, since you picked the bridesmaid dress, since you made your menu choices, etc., so I'm worried about you and I want you to be honest with me as to what has happened". Even if it is an illness or something, if she's close enough to be your bridesmaid, then she must be close enough to tell you the truth.

Schoolchoicesucks · 05/04/2018 20:27

spider There are 365 days in a year. Most people choose to marry on a Friday or Saturday in Spring or Summer. There are only 52 of those. You're limited by venue availability, if you have to start ruling out dates due to guest birthdays you might never find a date!

KendalMintCakey · 05/04/2018 20:37

I'd be a bitch and find another friend who fits the BM dress (hell those darn things r expensive) I'd 3 adult BM and 3 flowergirls. Veromia looks ace but costs the Earth.

KendalMintCakey · 05/04/2018 20:38

It's also so much cheaper to get married midweek. We did x

Starlight2345 · 05/04/2018 21:01

We all know this has nothing to do with the birthday . Hope you get some answers op.

Failingat40 · 05/04/2018 21:03

She's being a bitch op.

She's bailing out on your special day knowing she was chosen to play a key part and letting you know very clearly that she's opting to lounge around on the sofa rather than be a friend to you that day.

What a prize cunt.

She has passively told you that she's sick of hearing all about your wedding too, hence the 'peace and quiet' remarks.

LoveProsecco · 05/04/2018 21:07

Weird! 🙄

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/04/2018 21:10

Another one saying you wi t have to pay for the meals as you confirm numbers 2 weeks before.

The dress is annoying.

I bet she is pregnant and due then

RandomMess · 05/04/2018 21:11

Think I'd be so hurt and also concerned as to why a sudden change! It's just really bizarre behaviour...

Itscurtainsforyou · 05/04/2018 21:23

The only reason I would behave like this would be if I/my OH/my DC had become ill and time spent as a family was suddenly a priority (to the extent that it may be the last birthday they spend together etc).

I hope it's not this for the OP's friends sake.

Ceirrno · 05/04/2018 21:27

"If it was me, I would cancel coffee tomorrow - without giving a reason - and not make any further effort with her at all. If she asked why, I would tell her I was very hurt by her actions and then leave it at that."

One of my bridesmaids behaved very badly at my wedding. I still met up with her once afterwards she gave her the benefit of the doubt but there was no explanation or apology so I cut her out. But I gave her a chance.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 05/04/2018 21:39

Tbh, my only response would be "you were fine with coming on your birthday when I bought your dress, agreed food and let me pay for 4 places, so wtf is the issue with it now?" I'd be mightily pissed off because I would have thought an actual friend would pull out and give a genuine reason. Not sitting at home eating fucking cake on the sofa.

Onecutefox · 05/04/2018 21:43

I think not going to the wedding because of her birthday sounds a bit self-centred. I would hate having a friend like that. It's like she is afraid of being overshadowed on her own birthday.
Is it possible that her DH doesn't want her to go to the wedding? Could it be that he is controlling? Her excuse does sound ridiculous; either she is hiding a jealousy or is pressured into cancelling it. Because everything looked so fine at the beginning I think she has been pressured into it.

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/04/2018 21:46

Not caught up on the latest posts but has anyone spotted that this story is now on The Independents Facebook page?!

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/04/2018 21:47

Oops, wrong g thread! 🙈

DextroDependant · 05/04/2018 21:48

I think you are going about it the right way OP and I hope you get a decent explanation.

BackforGood · 05/04/2018 22:19

"If it was me, I would cancel coffee tomorrow - without giving a reason - and not make any further effort with her at all

I wouldn't. There must clearly be something seriously wrong for her to pull out at this stage, and i'd want to know what it was.

CookPassBabtridge · 05/04/2018 22:56

She is being precious. Birthdays are not a big deal!

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 23:34

If it was the case that the friend's H had suddenly sprung it on her that he was taking her to [somewhere amazing] on her birthday, because the H either dislikes OP/dislikes his wife having friends or is just a ditzy sod who never checks the calendar before deciding to do something, then friend would surely have said so.

BoldKitties · 05/04/2018 23:41

Awwlookatmybabyspider, I have to assume that your post is sarcastic, surely no actual adult is that precious about birthdays? And I say that as someone who loves a good birthday celebration, I certainly don't subscribe to the 'adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays mindset', but come, on, really? "Her day"? Birthdays can be celebrated whenever. We had the celebration for my 30th Birthday two months after I actually turned 30. I've been to weddings on my birthday, I went to a cousin's 50th the night I turned 21. We just had my birthday party a few days later. My sister told us she was pregnant on the night of my 30th birthday celebration. It made my night. More celebration is a good thing. It just magnifies the happiness. You know, because I have the capacity to be happy about more than one thing at a time, and for me, my family / friends having a lovely/exciting/special day on my birthday just adds to the happy, celebratory mood.

DrEustaciaBenson · 05/04/2018 23:41

She's being a bitch op.

What a prize cunt.

Nice.

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