Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

I put DH because by the time we apply for it, we will be, there's no big mystery behind that

But thank you for checking up on me

Oh, and I have another username that I use- I happened to chose this one today because- coupled with posts under my other username- I would've been outed in 5 minutes

Your best friend could probably still work out who you are if she's on MN (and as she has two kids, quite possibly). Which is why a sensible person would have waited to post anything before hearing her best friend's side of the story.

Shatner true but I don't really mind because there's nothing I've posted on other threads that I want to keep a secret and I haven't said anything on here that I wouldn't have said to her

I wouldn’t go ape shit either.

I’d just, quietly and without fuss, never ever contact them again.

Sad how many of you would sack a Long standing friendship without caring to get to the bottom of it all

It's lovely what a good friend you are OP. So many wouldn't be as understanding and concerned as you!

Yeah but potentially it’s not the OP willing to sack a long standing friendship.

I don't see how your friendship can recover from this. She has basically stuck two fingers up at you and said a big Fuck You.

If it was me, I would cancel coffee tomorrow - without giving a reason - and not make any further effort with her at all. If she asked why, I would tell her I was very hurt by her actions and then leave it at that.

If it was me, I would cancel coffee tomorrow - without giving a reason - and not make any further effort with her at all. If she asked why, I would tell her I was very hurt by her actions and then leave it at that.

This is a very Petty and immature way to deal with an adult relationship
Ex-bridesmaid may be dealing with marriage crisis, cancer, God knows what, at least get to the real reason then decide if it's a dead friendship

I haven't read all the thread (phone isn't letting me) so apologies in advance if I am repeating what already has been said.

Has she or a member of her family got bad news healthwise and maybe will be having treatment at the time of your wedding? She may not want to tell you before the wedding. My cousin had a Bridemaid pull out just before her wedding after being diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer so it just made me wonder.

It seems very strange to cancel so late on. Maybe she simply can't afford it. Is the venue expensive?

Has she got form for anything like this?

Why would you book your wedding on her birthday?

Ah, another perfect first response...

Why would you book your wedding on a date that might be important to another human being Op? Are you so selfish that you can't put yourself to the trouble of inventing new and unused dates?!

I don't care her reasons... I think doing this to you is just in appallingly bad taste... I would see her for coffee listen to her reasons.... and then tell her your friendship is over

I'd be really upset, in more ways than one, if this happened to me, OP.

Having accepted your invitation, chosen meals etc and letting you pay for a dress, it seems a bit flaky to then say 'oh my birthday is more important'. Can you speak to her again to see if there's another reason? It really is a very inconsiderate and selfish thing to do.

If there's no other reason that you can see for her really letting you down, I'd be telling her I won't be in touch again.

Keep your powder dry, I think. People mostly act this way (ie bizarrely) when they have no choice. People have no choice when they’re in a pickle and have to choose (between you and someone else, between your wedding and a surprise trip her DH booked for her birthday that actually she’d rather go on etc), or when they don’t want to say (pg, sick, broke etc).

If you make it very easy for her tomorrow to tell you, by reassuring her that whatever it is you’re okay with it and you just want to know it’s nothing serious you should worry about, she should tell you. If she doesn’t, it’s because she knows what she’s doing is unforgivable.

I think it sounds unusual OP and I think you're reacting very calmly by talking about it face to face with her. Has she got previous form for dropping out of arrangements? My only reaction is that she knows she's letting you down and at your personal cost too, so there must be a reason why. I hope you both manage to sort things.

she's not a friend just say thats fine and will you be paying for the meals and your dress i paid for after you committed then now said not feel free to waste your own money but not mine

I’m starting to think she has been labouring a grudge all along like someone uothread said. All this coy „I’ll stay in and keep low key” screams of „I’m really fucked off but know I cant say anything now so will be passive-aggressive”.

I don't really understand why she said yes to being bridesmaid and then changed her mind if her birthday is so important to her? Surely you'd politely decline when asked if it's a problem? It seems a little bit odd to me if she's known the date for quite a while, weddings tend to be organised quite far in advance .

I got married on one of my best friend's birthday, she had no issue with it, she'd spent her birthday the year before at another wedding, that was her 30th too. I got her a cake and everyone sang during the speeches. She said thank you for throwing such an amazing birthday party for me!

I have personally turned down a wedding invite on my birthday, but I was my husband's plus one and I'd never actually met the bride or groom. I rsvp'd no in plenty of time and my husband (then boyfriend) went alone, I had a girls weekend away planned which I didn't want to cancel for someone I'd never actually met.

There are 365 days in a year. Did you have to choose her birthday "her day" to become the blushing bride and be the centre attention.

It does sound like something else is going on.
I had to drop out of attending a close friend's wedding just weeks before her big day as I'd had a threatened miscarriage. After 2 miscarriages the previous year I didn't want to travel & have a busy day just incase. I explained to my friend, & I felt awful, but she was very understanding & we are still friends.
There could be a number of reasons why your friend can no longer attend. I'd be very surprised if it was just about her birthday. I hope your friend is ok.
And I hope the rest of your wedding goes well. X