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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend won't come to my wedding.

765 replies

KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:46

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 05/04/2018 15:19

I'd have gone ape shit if my oldest friend and bridesmaid ditched me just weeks before the wedding!
You need to get some fire in your belly before you see her tomorrow.

sockunicorn · 05/04/2018 15:24

i appreciate how calm and supportive you are being, but what she has done is rude. She has let you down so clearly doesn't think much of your friendship. and she hasnt even offered to pay for the places or dress (im sure you wouldnt take the money but thats not the point). And her blase attitude about "nah, just think we will have a chill day" is disgusting. Shes letting you know that sitting on her arse eating cake is more important to her than seeing her friend through one of the biggest milestones of her life. I would be telling her to jog on (provided she doesnt pull out some good reason tomorrow at coffee)

HughLauriesStubble · 05/04/2018 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PieAndPumpkins · 05/04/2018 15:31

You don't sound remotely pissed off. She is being incredibly rude.

yummyeclair · 05/04/2018 15:32

In my experience jealously is the culprit.

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 15:32

I am annoyed. I'm trying not to go ape on the basis that it might be justified.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 05/04/2018 15:33

Sounds to me like it could be a depression or social anxiety thing, the thought of a social situation around a lot of people, even a nice one, can be utterly overwhelming in times of bad mental health. The mention of laying low and enjoying some peace are pretty typical of that.

jessicasmummy04 · 05/04/2018 15:34

I'd be absolutely furious if my best friend did this to me after choosing and paying for a dress and meals. She has known from day one that it was on her birthday so her excuse does not make sense. She is your oldest friend so of course it would mean a lot for you to be their. I'd like to know if it was the other way around what she would say and do.

Also if you see her frequently why could she not have told you face to face?

This is totally not acceptable and not something a BEST FRIEND would do to another..

I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Mia1415 · 05/04/2018 15:35

I honestly don't understand why you aren't outraged that a BRIDESMAID is pulling out at short notice to sit on the couch eating cake?! If a bridesmaid did that to me for my wedding I'd be furious. And she'd have known about it.

I think I'd be more upset and worried at the fact my best friend wouldn't be there and concerned at her behaviour (assuming it is out of character). I would be annoyed about the dress (obviously) and the fact I was a bridesmaid down, but that wouldn't be my overriding emotion. Surely the friend must be having some kind of trauma to be acting like this.

Underparmummy · 05/04/2018 15:36

You've paid for her dress! She chose a dress! This is v odd and how can she possibly think this is ok.

Maybe take the dress round tomorrow with the receipt and your bank details?!

Redglitter · 05/04/2018 15:45

Why would you book your wedding on her birthday

Are you kidding? Why would you not. Bloody hell getting married is a mine field it's a wonder people ever manage to set a day with the things people think they have to factor in. Excluding a date because of a friends birthday is ridiculous. As for her birthday being the wedding anniversary ffs do people really celebrate every single birthday with friends? And do couples celebrate every single anniversary?

People on here seem to live in different worlds sometimes

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/04/2018 15:49

Very strange

Maybe she has a fear of public And in limelight

Could you say to her if she doesn’t want to be bm could she come to your wedding and just be a guest

Why say yes at the beginning. Date hasn’t changed

BlueSapp · 05/04/2018 15:50

OP could she be pregnant and unhappy about it? maybe

Thiscantreallybehappening · 05/04/2018 15:53

I think there is a possibility that right from when OP announced her wedding date it has annoyed "friend". She has said it was no problem and gone along with all the arrangements but the resentment has been building and it got to the point where she decided to cancel coming to the wedding.

If that is the case I think she has behaved very badly. I think you are right OP to not say too much until you have spoken to her face to face as there could be a genuine reason why she has had to cancel. If she is simply throwing her toys out of the pram because it is her birthday I think you have every right to tell her how inconsiderate and selfish she is being and it is a pity she couldn't have spoken up about her feelings when the date was announced.

MiniMaxi · 05/04/2018 15:54

My best friend is getting married this year on my son's birthday.

Obviously I would rather they were on different days, especially as I'm a bridesmaid so will be busy much of the day, but obviously I am also going to go to the wedding and enjoy celebrating with her and her husband to be.

If it were my own birthday I wouldn't give a toss, I don't think!

Lonesurvivor · 05/04/2018 15:55

I think you're right not to be annoyed initially and to approach this with concern rather than anger.
However if she's Palming you off cause she doesn't fancy it then she's a lousy friend.

KC225 · 05/04/2018 15:59

I agree with the orher it is not the birthday.

How old is her child? I have read the thread but may have missed it. I am thinking, if she has been stuck inside with a child this week maybe the thought of travelling and staying over for the wedding has put her off. Is her child of teething/tantrum age?

What's her DP like? Will he know lots of people there? Could he be putting the pressure in saying, you will be off drinking g, I won't know anyone and be have to look after DS by myself etc.

Also, the will be thinking of you comment - implies, she is not going to see or contact you before.

Very odd

CisPinkHoodie · 05/04/2018 16:00

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MumofBoysx2 · 05/04/2018 16:01

I probably would have avoided my besties birthday as a wedding date, but if it was unavoidable or difficult to have on another date then I would check with her - but you did that and she agreed, so it's not being very friendly of her to back out now.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 05/04/2018 16:03

I had a friend do this (kind of).

I'd booked his food and everything and he messages the day before saying he may not be able to make it with no excuse why whatsoever. He said he'd call in the morning. He messaged this to our mutual friend instead of me too.

No call next day. Didn't turn up. Naturally couldn't cancel his food. It was £45pp so himself and his girlfriend meant I was £100 down. Luckily we didn't buy him a suit.

I had known him 12 years at that point. To be honest he was quite flaky anyway so should e known. Mutual friend still is beyond shocked now about the ordeal and is surprised Ididng flip. But no - the people who care are there and clearly she doesn't, OP.

I get she may be going through stuff. But equally surely she understands you need something to work with?

To be honest she just seems a little half hearted and can't be bothered. Either that or she dislikes someone who is attending the wedding.

ShatnersWig · 05/04/2018 16:05

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MistressDeeCee · 05/04/2018 16:07

She's not a real friend. I know it's horrible but I absolutely would not let it affect my happiness, in your shoes. Don't buy into it. Don't get caught up in wondering why she's done this. Move on. Get refunds if you can. Replace her as a bridesmaid if possible.

She is rude and insensitive. Yes there may be more going on but now is not the time chasing around to find out why. You have plans to make. She knows you're upset. But her needs trump yours in her eyes so, you afford her the same. Concentrate on yourself. She's shown you she isn't going to be a part of your wedding so just leave her alone.

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2018 16:08

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GetAwayFromHer · 05/04/2018 16:08

Shatners

Grin

AAAAw don't spoilt it! It was sooooo interesting

Nofunkingworriesmate · 05/04/2018 16:08

Very weird, I would guess there was a whole other story to this that may have nothing to do with you ( domestic )
My best friend got married on the annervetsary of my sons death, same as you, it was perfect dates available to them, she was very nervous to tell me but I was happy to put a positive date on something aweful and plastered on my happy face at moments when I wobbled. Ask her later if all is well may be a miscarriage or diagnosis snd she doesn't want to worry you or rain on your parade. My aunt had Breast cancer and didn't tell her children ( or anyone) till after the wedding

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