Am I wrong for eating a sacred animal?

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 2018-04-04T23:22:01+00:00

My DH is Hindu so he does not eat beef (he eats other meat though), but I eat beef because it has always been part of my diet (I am British). He always makes me feel guilty for cooking it and even having it in the fridge/freezer, but I always cook alternative meals for him so that he still has dinner! He says why am I bringing it into the house, why do I have to eat it in front of him, why can't I just live without it etc! AIBU to think that he cannot stop me from eating what I want?

Change9944 · 05/04/2018 00:23

Would you not have had this conversation before you got married?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2018 00:24

He can't stop you but I love my DH more than a steak. Why bother cooking two meals when you could just cook one beef-free. And eat steak out of the house.

Now, bacon, we'd be having words.

RunningBetty · 05/04/2018 00:26

Reducing red meat in your diet is no bad thing. I like prawns, my husband doesn't. I don't really bother having them in the house. Instead I order prawns when eating out. No issue. If the food concerned was sacred according to my husband's beliefs i would roll with it. There are plenty of other foods available. I only have one husband.
Surprised you didn't solve this one way before marriage.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/04/2018 00:28

YANBU. He can have weird ideas about food all he wants, but he has absolutely no right whatsoever to try and make you feel guilty; he is being incredibly emotionally manipulative and controlling.

pallisers · 05/04/2018 00:35

He can have weird ideas about food all he wants, but he has absolutely no right whatsoever to try and make you feel guilty; he is being incredibly emotionally manipulative and controlling.

So if you married a man and he liked to eat dog that would be fine - as your not wanting to eat dog would be a weird idea (as it is in some cultures) and you would be incredibly emotionally manipulative and controlling to ask him not to bring dog for food into your house?

OP, I do kind of think this is a conversation you should have had before marriage and living together. That said, I would not make my dh uncomfortable in this situation but would save the steak for when he was away or when we went out for dinner.

As PP said, you only have one husband whom presumably you love - this is a deeply held cultural belief of his

windchimesabotage · 05/04/2018 00:37

he cannot stop you but equally you cannot stop his reaction to it. Im sure that for him it is a very deeply held belief and you probably should have spoken about this before living together.
He should not be forcing you to not eat something but equally you should not be negating his beliefs.
I mean why do you have to eat in front of him if you know it will cause an issue? Is he around you all day every day? surely there are times when he is not there when you could eat beef and it would not be an issue.

Im vegetarian but my husband is not. He eats vegetarian in the house and would not bring meat into the house to cook. However when he is alone he is free to do as he wants. Ive not dictated this to him its just how we live. Hes respectful to my beliefs about meat and im respectful to his choice to eat it. Him being respectful to my choice involves not cooking meat near my food.
You dont need beef to live. My husband doesnt need meat to live. Therefor it is a personal choice to eat it and when you eat it in front of someone who does not want to be part of that it is kind of disrespectful. Especially if you are just doing it to prove a point.
Im not saying you should never eat meat in front of a vegetarian just that if you live with someone there should be some sort of compromise and compassion. With your husband as well there is a deeper issue of it being a religious belief not just a lifestyle choice. He may find it very upsetting to see this sacred animal being eaten. I think if you cared about him could you not just eat this beef when he wasnt sat in front of you?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/04/2018 00:39

So if you married a man and he liked to eat dog that would be fine - as your not wanting to eat dog would be a weird idea (as it is in some cultures) and you would be incredibly emotionally manipulative and controlling to ask him not to bring dog for food into your house?

pallisers Correct. If I was attempting to control what he was eating by trying to make him feel guilty, I would be being emotionally manipulative and controlling.

He can eat whatever he wants; he’s not trying to make me eat it. Just like OPs husband can eat or not eat whatever he wants, but he shouldn’t try to control how she eats.

Thelampshadelady · 05/04/2018 00:39

Yanbu, I appreciate its part of his beliefs but it’s not part of yours.
If it wasn’t a cultural belief and purely a choice it would be considered controlling on his part.

LellyMcKelly · 05/04/2018 00:39

This is really one of the discussions you should have had before marriage. You have always known he didn’t appreciate being around beef, and that it was important to him, so why would you do it?

To be honest, I think you are being very disrespectful. My partner hates prawns - doesn’t like the smell of them, or the taste of them. I love them, but don’t have them in the house when he’s around. There are lots of other foods we can share and enjoy. In your husband’s case, it is part of his religion and culture, and you chose to marry him knowing his feelings.

By all means have your beef. Nobody is telling you not to - you can have it for meals when he isn’t there, or when out with friends - but when you are flaunting in his face meat he finds offensive, why wouldn’t he be upset?

pallisers · 05/04/2018 00:41

pallisers Correct. If I was attempting to control what he was eating by trying to make him feel guilty, I would be being emotionally manipulative and controlling.

fair enough. Both marriages - my imaginary one between you and the dog eater and the real one the OPs has are, I think, doomed.

CadyHeron · 05/04/2018 00:43

Another one who doesn't think this is weird and controlling at all, as it's obviously a deeply held cultural belief of his.
It should have been discussed before marriage as others have said, or at least come to some agreement beforehand!
I'm married to a veggie. He takes the hump if I say, start frying a bacon sandwich at home.
(I'm not veggie, but don't eat meat often.)
So I wait til he's out at work or go to the caff at the end of the road.
If it was a cultural thing even more so you should be tolerant of beliefs. He's not stopping you eating meat. Just be considerate of each other.

Brokenbiscuit · 05/04/2018 00:44

He doesn't have the right to dictate to you what you should or shouldn't eat. However, I honestly can't imagine being so wedded to the idea of eating any one food item to the extent that I would allow it to cause conflict between me and DH. If it upsets him, why would you insist on eating it?

As others have said, issues like this should really have been discussed and agreed before you got married, but regardless of that, being in an intercultural relationship does require a bit of flexibility and compromise. If this issue is really important to him, I think you should respect his wishes. He will probably need to bend to your strong feelings on other subjects. If neither of you are prepared to compromise, then perhaps an intercultural marriage isn't going to work for you.

If eating beef is really that essential, couldn't you limit it to eating out when you aren't with him?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/04/2018 00:45

fair enough. Both marriages - my imaginary one between you and the dog eater and the real one the OPs has are, I think, doomed.

pallisers Yes, I agree However, I am thankfully married to a man who likes pretty much everything, but even if he didn’t, wouldn’t try to manipulate me into not eating what he didn’t want me to.

TheJoyOfSox · 05/04/2018 00:45

There are plenty of other meats you could choose. Which matters most? Your right to eat a meat (it might as well be dog or cat, it has the same impact on your DH) or your love and respect for your DH?

Try ostrich steaks from Lidl, they are just as nice as beef, and your DH will be happier.

RBBMummy · 05/04/2018 00:46

There is no reason to eat it so why not respect his beliefs and not have it in the house? If he was eating puppies or kittens and you didn't believe in eating them because they were your pets would he not respect you enough to only eat them outside of the home?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/04/2018 00:49

There is no reason to eat it

Yes there is: she likes it.

Having “cultural beliefs” does not mean you get to dictate to those around you what they should or should not do.

She is respecting his right not to eat it by not making him eat it. He is not respecting her right to eat it as he is trying to manipulate her into following his beliefs.

BrutusMcDogface · 05/04/2018 00:51

Yabu. It's not controlling; if it genuinely upsets him then why do you do it? I have Hindu friends and I fully respect their beliefs. One of them said her dd had had roast beef at school, and she (my friend) was visibly upset by it. There are plenty of other meats you can eat.

steff13 · 05/04/2018 00:53

I don't think either of you are necessarily unreasonable. But, if he objects to having beef in his house, and you object to being asked not to have it in your house, you probably shouldn't live in the same house.

TutTutButt · 05/04/2018 00:55

yanbu I don't eat pork but I have had several partners or friends who do and cooked it for them it really isn't a big deal
is he actually your husband or partner because it is weird you never had this conversation before marriage

Ginkypig · 05/04/2018 00:55

I don't eat meat, dp definitely does. As long as I'm not served it then I have nothing to complain about, his diet is his decision and mine is mine.

He does get the hump though if I have anything that he thinks is garlicky including hummus

Ginkypig · 05/04/2018 00:57

I do see that it's more complicated as a cow is a sacred animal to a Hindu though.

CadyHeron · 05/04/2018 00:58

I don't think either of you are necessarily unreasonable. But, if he objects to having beef in his house, and you object to being asked not to have it in your house, you probably shouldn't live in the same house.

Exactly, some kind of compromise needs to be drawn up.He can't "tell" you what to eat or not to eat, but at the same time you need to realise that it is really a big cultural thing for him.
Do as I do.Have a big ass sized steak sandwich when he's out of the house, wash up thoroughly before he's due home, he'll be none the wiser lol.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 01:02

What I wonder is: did you discuss it before setting up home together? Or has your H suddenly rediscovered his culture ie he used to be relaxed about your different dietary preferences and all of a sudden he's changed his tune?

I have zero patience with people's silly superstitions if they attempt to inflict them on me (but then I simply wouldn't move in with anyone religious in the first place). I would, however, accommodate a nice partner I cared about and eat the stuff they objected to when either they are away or I am not with them - bit similar to having a partner with a food allergy.

However, if this is a recent development, bear in mind that (given that all religions are inherently misogynistic) this might be less about a steak pie and more about Woman! Learn to obey your master!

Because there are quite a lot of men who are... culturally members of some or other religion, ie they were brought up in that belief system, but they are quite happy to ignore the rules on eg drink, drugs, going to [place of worship] regularly, or sex before marriage. Up until they suddenly decide that those aspects of their superstition that involve women obeying men are REALLY IMPORTANT and any non-compliance is wicked, selfish and disrespectful.

CadyHeron · 05/04/2018 01:05

How the actual is it an "obey your master!" thing?!
Common courtesy of each others beliefs and likes, surely.

pallisers · 05/04/2018 01:07

However, I am thankfully married to a man who likes pretty much everything, but even if he didn’t, wouldn’t try to manipulate me into not eating what he didn’t want me to.

Well me too. But my dh isn't a hindu and hasn't been reared to regard cow as a sacred animal - and nor has yours.

And the OP's partner hasn't tried to manipulate her into not eating anything - he just doesn't want it cooked in his home.

Cultural stuff matters. Look at the book about why we eat pigs and not dogs. There would be a visceral response from most english people if their partner decided to cook and eat dog in their kitchen. It is probably similar for OP's partner.

The OP can certainly read the responses on here and tell him he is a manipulative bastard - he isn't really but it won't matter much as they will then separate, he finds a woman who doesn't need beef in her kitchen and she finds a man who is an omnivore. Probably best all around.