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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I wrong for eating a sacred animal?

147 replies

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 05/04/2018 00:22

My DH is Hindu so he does not eat beef (he eats other meat though), but I eat beef because it has always been part of my diet (I am British). He always makes me feel guilty for cooking it and even having it in the fridge/freezer, but I always cook alternative meals for him so that he still has dinner! He says why am I bringing it into the house, why do I have to eat it in front of him, why can't I just live without it etc! AIBU to think that he cannot stop me from eating what I want?

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/04/2018 01:10

And the OP's partner hasn't tried to manipulate her into not eating anything - he just doesn't want it cooked in his home.

Incorrect. OP specifically says:

He always makes me feel guilty for cooking it and even having it in the fridge/freezer

That is emotionally manipulating her.

As I already said, “cultural beliefs” do not give someone a free pass to dictate to others what they should or should not do, and we should not be pussyfooting around the whole “culture beliefs” thing.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 01:15

With some men, in some cases, getting all 'My religious beliefs are important' (when they were not a big deal before) IS a matter of 'obey your master'.

Because all religions feature bullshit about women needing to defer to men because Imaginary Friend says so, and there are plenty of men who are happy to call in their imaginary friend in order to coerce their wives into obedience.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 05/04/2018 01:17

Was this not discussed beforehand? I would imagine it’s quite an important conversation to have. I guess neither of you are being unreasonable but he should try and guilt you into not eating something you enjoy whilst in your own home.

RebelRogue · 05/04/2018 01:19

OH isn't allowed raw/needs cooking lamb in the house. I might agree once a year or something (i shut all doors,get the candles and air fresheners ready and spend a lot of time in the garden) but that's about it. I don't really want it in the freezer either unless in a sealed package,and even then I'll twitch when i think about it. Tbh he knows how much I hate it so after so many years together it barely even comes up anymore.
And it's not even a religious/cultural reason...I just hate it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/04/2018 01:20

As others have said, why didn't you sort this out before you married him?

He can't make you feel guilty, it's up to you to accept that guilty feeling or not. But if you do, then it's equally your choice whether feeling guilty matters more or less to you than eating the beef.

I can't eat pork or chicken, not for religious reasons but because they make me sick, so we don't buy pork or chicken (because neither of us can be doing with cooking more than one meal in the evening!). DH has pork or chicken when he eats out, or if he gets a takeaway. He knew this would be the situation when we got married and he's fine with it - I don't force him not to bring it into the house, but it won't get cooked or eaten by me.

And if he ate dog, I would make strong representations to him about bringing THAT into the house - I wouldn't be happy about it, but in the end, it's still his choice. I wouldn't eat that either (and nor does he, thankfully!)

CadyHeron · 05/04/2018 01:21

She must have known that he didn't eat beef before though. So it's hardly new and sprung on her.
Same as me on marrying DH.I knew he was veggie and didn't want anything to do with meat.
I still eat it though, but don't cook it around him.

windchimesabotage · 05/04/2018 01:23

If you think someones religion is bullshit should you really be living with them?
We all have a right to beliefs. Two adults who live together should be able to come to a compromise about how to live in that space. You cant just both do whatever you want even if it upsets the other person just because 'you have a right to do exactly as you please'
I mean that is certainly not going to lead to a happy marriage is it?

As ive said im a vegetarian and I wouldnt be happy if my DH cooked meat in front of me. I think its disgusting. I dont force him not to eat it but I dont expect him to bring it in front of me and have me watch him cook it. He can cook it when im not there or eat it outside the house.
Hes never made any complaint about this because from the outset he understood it was my personal belief.

Now if he did cook it in front of me I wouldnt try and stop him but I would probably be visibly repulsed by it.... is that being emotionally manipulative? That is genuinely how id feel. So perhaps he would end up feeling guilty about it. But then should he not feel guilty about doing something that he would know would make me feel sick?

Id personally feel guilty about purposefully doing something I knew would really upset my husband.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2018 01:59

Yes she knew he didnt eat it, but by the same token presumably he also knew she did.

So I would suggest a compromise. You still buy it and store it in the normal way but you dont cook or eat it in front of him. He accepts that it is in the house and that it forms part of your diet so doesnt lay on a guilt trip about it.

Cavender · 05/04/2018 02:18

This should have been resolved well before you got married.

In your circumstances I’d stop eating beef out of respect for my DH and to avoid distressing him.

My DH can’t bear the smell of lamb (unfortunate food poisoning associations) it makes him feel nauseous.

As a result I don’t cook it. The kids and I have a tradition that we have lamb chops the first night he goes away for work.

It’s not that big a deal to miss out one type of meat.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2018 02:42

The issue I have with stuff like this is why does the person who chooses to not eat something for their own moral reasons, get the final say? If you dont want pork products/any meat/any dairy/dog meat/roasted guinea pig in your house then dont marry someone who eats it, simple. What you dont do is marry them and then spend the next fuck knows how many years trying to force them around to your way of thinking. Which it sounds like this guy is doing.

And yes, religion is a choice!

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 05/04/2018 02:49

pallisers off topic but ‘your not wanting to eat dog would be a weird idea (as it is in some cultures)’.

Sorry but there are no cultures where not eating dog is seen as ‘weird’. The few people who still eat dog in East Asian countries know that most people don’t agree with it, and it is very much dying out. I live in Korea, married to a Korean and most people under 60 have never even tried it, and the ones over 60 who have, ate it because the country was incredibly poor til the 80s and they didn’t have much else to eat.

Please don’t spread this myth around that it’s normal to eat dog for East Asians. It’s really not.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 05/04/2018 03:31

I think YABU OP.. it's not about your dh not liking beef, it's far more than that. To him, the cow is sacred and it is abhorrent to eat beef.

I'm amazed you didn't have this conversation before you got married. My ds is at uni, and planning to.live in a shared house with friends in September. Ds and one other housemate are veggie, another housemate is Jewish. They have all had a conversation about food rules in the house, and have collectively agreed that pork will not be allowed in the house unless it's a takeaway for someone, other meat will be allowed to be kept in the fridge/cooked in the hoise as ds and the other veggie are ok with that. If a group of 19 year olds can have those conversations and agreements prior to moving in together, why didn't you and your dh?

Cavender · 05/04/2018 03:35

Pyong saying that religion is a choice is a very simplistic attitude.

It ignores that fact that a deeply held cultural belief has been ingrained since childhood.

You may think it’s all nonsense but it’s not a thing so easily dismissed by the person themselves.

I agree that both parties should taken responsibility for resolving this before marriage though.

Charolais · 05/04/2018 03:51

There is no reason to eat it

Yes there is: she likes it

I’d like to do a lot of things but I don’t.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/04/2018 04:45

Another one here who doesn't understand how you managed to avoid working this out before you married, it seems somewhat predictable.

I don't think you are obliged to avoid beef at home. However, from the little you describe, it seems a bit like a "fuck you" to your DH if you don't, given this is a belief about a taboo for him and it's just one thing you like the taste of to you.

Coyoacan · 05/04/2018 04:49

I would have thought that respecting the other person's beliefs and feelings would be basic to a marriage.

TheMaddHugger · 05/04/2018 05:00

HarryLovesDraco · 05/04/2018 05:07

Boom! That's the sound of the op dropping her bomb and running away...

KoshaMangsho · 05/04/2018 05:23

I am Hindu. I am eat beef. DH isn’t also Hindi and equally non practising. He doesn’t. It’s the ‘last barrier’ for him as it were. I don’t cook it. I wouldn’t bring it home. I would order it in a restaurant if I was eating with him (and I have) but not if it was with my in laws.

Would your kids eat beef? Ours don’t. Not till they are old enough to decide for themselves.
I don’t think DH cares greatly for the sanctity of the cow but having been brought up in a religious family despite being non religious himself today, it acts as a cultural marker for him.
My beef eating is EXTREMELY rare among fellow Hindus btw. And beef is almost impossible to buy in India.

bingoLounge · 05/04/2018 05:23

I think religion is stupid and wrong and dangerous and using it as justification for anything is stupid and wrong.

However, if I were you I would stop eating beef in front of him. It's a small thing to do for the man you love. He can't stop you doing anything. It's often nice to do something for other people though.

KoshaMangsho · 05/04/2018 05:24

DH IS also Hindi! Aargh.

daisychain01 · 05/04/2018 05:48

The OP thread is ridiculous and designed to create a reaction. If the OP hasn't had the grown up conversation about religious beliefs and how it fits in with everyday life, then they've missed the boat.

DH knew I was veggie from the day we met. He is happy to cook me veggie food and I have no problem him eating meat, although he often goes meat-free. If in the process of getting to know each other, we had a problem with food, it would have been a topic of dialogue to see if it was all a dealbreaker - thankfully we were able to make things work.

Eveforever · 05/04/2018 11:01

My daughter has been vegan for almost two years now. She had significant stomach problems before she changed her diet, so her original reason for going vegan was for health reasons and now she also does so for ethical and environmental reasons. It is difficult because I haven't become vegan, but she hates me bringing non vegan items into the house, in fairness they do now actually make her feel sick. My feeling is that supporting/pandering to this does lead to a restriction on my diet at home, but I can still enjoy meat out of the house. I think it would be more difficult for the person with the dietary restrictions to be faced with items they consider offensive for religious or ethical reasons in the home, so I am happy to try and keep to this arrangement. Also, it is my daughter I'm doing this for, so a close loved one which obviously factors into my decision making. My friend thinks my daughter, shouldn't complain to me about what I eat (not her circus, not her monkeys, I wish she'd butt out! Her 'helpful advice' is more difficult to deal with than my daughter's wishes) but I think it is wrong to completely disregard the religious and ethical views and feelings of loved ones.

As others have said it is surprising the beef issue wasn't resolved before you married, unless it was and something has changed? I don't think the emotional blackmail from your husband is a mature way or helpful to deal with things, and I don't think continuing to simply ignore the issue and eating beef in the house is the way to go either, you need to have a proper discussion. In short, it's not your sacred animal, so you're not wrong for eating it, however, it is your husband's sacred animal, so maybe it is wrong (as in problematic to your relationship) for you to eat it in front of him?

Original poster

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 05/04/2018 11:14

Thank you for your replies everyone. The reason we didn't discuss this before marriage is because it has never bothered him! I would order a beef burger and he wouldn't bat an eyelid, he said as long as it is not contaminating anything else that he eats and touches then he isn't bothered. It's only lately he's started to bring it up on how he feels about me eating it! So I think next time I will just not eat it in front of him and instead cook it when he is working and just eat it when he is at work or when I go to work. I do respect his cultural and religious beliefs and I've tried giving up beef for soya mince but it's not the same and I don't like lamb mince that much unless they're lamb shanks or chops.

OP posts:

BlondeB83 · 05/04/2018 11:16

YANBU but if he was my husband I would give it up if his beliefs were so strong. It’s only one food type.

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