Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu- ball in neighbour's garden

507 replies

Ameliel · 04/04/2018 19:04

My two DS played football on the road outside our house today, and the ball accidentally went to a neighbour's garden. This was the 2nd time it happened, the first time my boys went to (politely) ask for the ball back and the lady in the house told them they should not knock on the door again. Instead, she would bring the ball back as and when she would find it.
This sounded a bit odd to me so when the ball went in today, I went with my son to ask for the ball back. Just as background info: we have lived here only just over a year and have not yet spoken to many people, including these neighbours who live three doors down. Its a leafy quiet suburb and the residents are mainly older people - not many families.
So I introduced myself and my son, and explained the ball had accidentally ended up in their garden again and apologised for the trouble. The lady was friendly to start with but firmly explained that "the rule" is that she does not want to be disturbed by kids knocking on her door, she is a keen gardener and so will eventually find the ball and return it at her convenience.
I pointed out that this could take days and the ball may not end up back to the right children (there are other kids too who play in the same location sometimes).
Anyway she was absolutely not budging and started telling me that I am disturbing her as she was about to serve dinner, and if I carry on we would not get the ball back at all.
I replied that I was a bit taken back by this attitude, it was not like the boys were kicking the ball in her garden by purpose, and it had only happened 2 times in total (including today).
She then slammed the door at my face!
AIBU or is she? I appreciate that it is annoying having to retrieve balls all the time, but surely its not such a big deal? She could have returned the ball twice over in the time it took to argue her case. I just really can't see why it is such a problem to go answer the door and give the ball back? Or am i missing some unwritten rule here (I'm not originally from UK, i've come across unwritten behavioural rules before, where I can't see anything wrong but my native husband thinks it is wrong) I don't want a neighbour war so please tell me, how would you handle this?
I feel quite annoyed atm by her attitude and so am inclined to buy lots more balls and to encourage the boys to do a lot of kick practice from now on...

OP posts:
Juells · 06/04/2018 08:09

Why do people keep talking about it being only the second time it's happened? The first time it happened the children had her boundaries explained to them, as laid out in SilverBirchTrees most excellent post. The children got the message, and were prepared to live with that, but oh no, OP had to go charging in ignoring the request not to knock for the ball back.

Swallow it down, OP, and don't bring your children up to be entitled little tits. They're more polite than you are.

Bumblefuddle · 06/04/2018 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicmij · 06/04/2018 08:33

Totally agree with her. I have had the same problem with neighbours. I even explained that any damage to planting will have to be paid for and some cost quite a bit. I've had a hot hot coffee knocked out my hand by a ball coming over fence, even on landed in an upstairs bedroom open window. Spent ages trying to find 5 badminton shuttle cocks all over garden. Mother came to door with child quite intimidating stance on that occasion. Told them any more and I would consider them a nuisance and report them. One if my brothers was a professional footballer, was he allowed to play ball in garden - NO, he had to use a park. Bit of a rant I know but why do folk think their kids can basically do what they want, when they want, and where and everyone else has to accommodate. Stop being lazy, take you son to a proper area to play football.

salsah · 06/04/2018 08:37

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. This post has really annoyed me. It’s not like she lives inside a football training ground. It’s happened twice (and perhaps a few times from the kids on the other side). She was a child once but clearly doesn’t remember being one. We keep talking about how we want our kids to go out and play more instead of being robots inside, but there are so many rules now and just not enough humanity. Too much analysis and criticism from everyone including us on MN. You are not being unreasonable but also she won’t ever see that. Forget about the ball and know that she has her peculiarities and that you can peacefully co-exist, she’s just not a kid person. And make sure your kids don’t target her garden from now on to make it worse - sometimes kids like the challenge.

YoThePussy · 06/04/2018 08:57

clairdelalune what should happen when someone is on holiday is the neighbours child/children wait until they return to have their ball returned.

But not the child across the road from where I used to live. I was feeding cats of holidaying neighbours across the door. Leaving after feeding and was accosted by their NDN and son wanting her son’s football returned. I replied I was on my way home now and would look the following morning and got a tirade that I should let him through the house NOW to look himself. She got very irate when I said no it wasn’t convenient for me to unlock the house again, turn off the burglar alarm and allow her son to trample someone else’s flowerbeds.

That child then waited until the owners came home a week later and returned the ball. I was much more tolerant of children then than I am now and would have happily searched the garden for a polite request made.

Interestingly when my friends moved house their back garden when cleared was full of footballs and other childrens toys.

scaryteacher · 06/04/2018 09:31

The problem is that if the neighbour had instantly retrieved the ball, the expectation is set up that she will do so each and every time, regardless of whether it is inconvenient for her to do so.

Her age is immaterial here....if she was young with a baby to settle; middle aged, having a bath and a glass of wine after work, or elderly and dislikes having to open the door all the time; it is disruptive. The desire of the kids to have their ball back instantly does not trump her right to carry on with what she is doing in peace. Their sense of urgency about the ball is not her problem.

GhostofFrankGrimes · 06/04/2018 09:38

The issue here is not the neighbour, rather ball games on a public highway. There is a by-law in place regarding this.

If playing football on a public highway was a good idea Manchester United would play their home games on the M62

Juells · 06/04/2018 09:42

Just re-read the OP to see if I was being a teenshy bit mean, and came across this...

She could have returned the ball twice over in the time it took to argue her case.

LOL

SilverBirchTree · 06/04/2018 10:04

@MissSeventies I do actually think a ‘boys will be boys’ and everyone should accomodate their proclivities attitude does lead to rape culture. I think rape culture starts in childhood and that childhood is the best time to prevent it. Rape culture doesn’t start with rape, it’s starts with entitlement and disrespect of others and I think OP demonstrates both in spades when it comes to her sons.

That said, even if you disagree with me on the rape culture issue, the things I’m suggesting OP teach her children are also basic Being A Functional Respectful Person Who Lives in a Society lessons.

Ladywillpower · 06/04/2018 10:14

But she shouldn't have to "argue her case". Whatever you (or other MNRs) perceive to be the rights & wrongs she has stated her position & so be it.
Surely the solution is to buy a quantity of cheap soft balls & then just wait for her to throw any errant balls back.
I am a mum of ball game mad boys but your attitude would hack me right off too! What about people who have mobility issues, sleeping babies, work odd hours or just don't want to be disturbed when cooking their evening meal?

LakieLady · 06/04/2018 10:23

I don't think there is any need for her attitude and certainly having to retrieve the odd ball is no excuse for slamming the door in your face. If you were being polite, as you said, there is no excuse for that at all.

But she'd already told the children not to knock at her door because she didn't want to be disturbed. For OP to then go round and disturb her is at best inconsiderate. If someone came and chapped my door after I'd explained that I didn't want to be disturbed, I'd think they were pisstaking shitheads and would tell them so.

I think the neighbour was being quite restrained just "slamming" the door, tbh.

Why is it so hard to understand that some people just want to keep themselves to themselves, and not be bothered by other people?

BlondeB83 · 06/04/2018 10:27

If she has to trek to her back garden every time and it’s happening frequently YABU. Take your son to the park.

Juells · 06/04/2018 10:44

But she shouldn't have to "argue her case".

Ladywillpower - that's what I found amusing. The sense of entitlement of the OP. There was no case 'being argued'. The OP was told how it was, and seemingly can't get her head around the fact.

kaitlinktm · 06/04/2018 11:00

my rules are you can go ask for a ball back ONCE per day.

Multiply this by 7 or 8 though to allow for other people's kids doing the same as yours and you might get some idea of what a pain it can be.

Oblomov18 · 06/04/2018 11:01

Totally understand her point of view. Staggered you don't get it!

pollymere · 06/04/2018 11:11

I have this problem. Originally, I would go and get the balls but it became a continual stream of kids. I do throw the balls back over the fence though.

Oblomov18 · 06/04/2018 11:12

Op has had it explained to her again and again and again but she still doesn't get it.

it was perfectly explained by PP squirrel ? about how the op missed about six different pointers of escalating frustration from the old lady.

take your kids to the park?
sort your own garden with either patio, Astroturf, football nets, so it's not a pond anymore and don't let your kids play anywhere near this lady.

don't ring on other people's doorbells.

take the hint.

For all our sakes. Hmm

echt · 06/04/2018 11:12

The problem is that if the neighbour had instantly retrieved the ball, the expectation is set up that she will do so each and every time, regardless of whether it is inconvenient for her to do so

A good point. I have basketball playing neighbours' kids, so have the additional fun of ber-doink per-doink on concrete. Soo much fun. The basketball net is next to the fence, despite having a vast garden where it could be elsewhere. I soon discovered that throwing balls back meant I was increasing my own discomfort, so stopped doing it. After some initial froideur, they've sort of got it and periodically come round to pick up a herd of balls. No plants have been damaged, or I would be very miffed indeed.

fuzzyduck33 · 06/04/2018 11:38

Good point, I was once (child free days) sunbathing in the garden when next door's ball came over. I threw it back, keen to be a good neighbour, it came over several more times and I returned it quickly each time. Things escalated to the point that instead of sunbathing I was basically playing catch over the fence. Confused
Realised after that that that it's fine to draw a line somewhere, just because your neighbours enjoy enthusiastic ball playing doesn't mean you are obligated to be at their beck and call!

Lizzie48 · 06/04/2018 11:48

I think we can safely say that the OP has probably hidden the thread and won't be coming back. She didn't get the answer she wanted so she gave up. She didn't do a flounce though.

LMG132028 · 06/04/2018 11:53

I'm afraid I'm another one that is in agreement with your neighbour. We have had it happen to us a lot in the past. The problem is that it probably isn't just your child's ball that has gone in there, but also other children. I remember when I was on maternity leave (8 years ago now!!) one day during the May half term holidays my neighbours child knocked the door 6 times in the space of an hour! In the end I just told them that I would get the ball this one last time but after that I would be sorting the baby out so wouldn't even be able to answer the door, so they would have to wait. Funnily enough the ball didn't come over my fence again after that, so either they moved away to the other end of the street or were just more careful when kicking it.

Petrify · 06/04/2018 12:05

Ye gods! What an unreasonable cow. I would recommend think your decision to live next to her. X

Juells · 06/04/2018 12:18

muahaha

MrMeSeeks · 06/04/2018 12:51

She was a child once but clearly doesn’t remember being one
So was i, and i knew if it went over the fence then it was up to the neighboursto throw it back whenthey were ready.
Managed to grow up and get on great with them still.

KurriKurri · 06/04/2018 13:04

Totally agree with Squiglegirl

the neighbouor wasn't rude - she was polite and answered her door even though she was serving dinner. She repeated the rule that she had already told your son (so why were you knocking anyway - she'd already said not to) but you carried on harrassing her.

Why is your son playing outside her house (it's a whole street - is hers the only house he wants to play outside ?)
Why did he kick the ball into her garden again - he should have been more careful unless he was prepared to wait.

It's a good lesson to learn that not everyone has to jump to do what you want immediately. If you want a favour, you wait until the person you ask is ready. You don't send your Mum round to say 'nownownownownow memememememe'