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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 04/04/2018 09:43

Good grief if that was expected etiquette then no one would ever arrange to meet up with their friends as they would be 'hosting' and expected to pick up the tab. She is a bonkers.

TomRavenscroft · 04/04/2018 09:43

The woman is mad as the brush

I love this phrase Grin

She is. But also manipulative, trying to get between you and your other friend.

Fuck her.

ToBeyoncesLeftLove · 04/04/2018 09:45

She'd called YOU the second time to invite you out to soft play so this doesn't make sense?

By her own standards then she should be quite disappointed with her lack of manners?

EnterFunnyNameHere · 04/04/2018 09:45

That's hilarious. So SHE rings YOU, to see if you want to meet up, but that counts as YOU inviting HER so you have to pay??

Tell her to get to fuck.

Inertia · 04/04/2018 09:47

Generous view is that she has got the wrong end of the stick and thinks you are some kind of benevolent soft play fairy, or that money is desperately tight for her and she thinks you’re loaded because you paid out for extras at the birthday party.

Probably more realistic to think that she’s a CF, especially as she’s been pretty sly about trying to leave you out of reorganised plans.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2018 09:52

Wow what a cheeky fucker of the highest order and chancer, your well well rid.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2018 09:54

I woukd ask her when she's going to return the favours, so she's ok to take but not give. Yes, you are well rid.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 04/04/2018 09:55

Holy cow !

Pinkvoid · 04/04/2018 09:58

So many people in the world lack self awareness it’s untrue. She sounds absolutely insane.

PanPanPanPing · 04/04/2018 10:08

Assuming there are no cultural differences, how on earth has she made it to adulthood without knowing the difference between a 'paid for by the hosts party' and a run of the mill meet up?

She won't have any friends left soon!

elisenbrunnen · 04/04/2018 10:10

How did she work out that you were inviting her, when she rang you to see if you wanted to meet up?

I texted a friend today to see if she fancied coffee - do I pay? (we normally have 2 and pay for one each, so it doesn't arise - or I pay one time and she the next)

frasier · 04/04/2018 10:10

What is it with people like this?

A "friend" was once coming to my town with her DD to go to the aquarium so I said I'd go with them and we could have lunch at my place. When we got to the aquarium she saw the prices and said she wouldn't pay that much. Hmm Cue one crying DD, and shouting (at DD) "friend" and me wondering what else to do with them for the day. I didn't have kids then, I had no idea what this child would like! In the end I said I'd pay, tears dried up and "friend" stopped shouting. They had come a long way, the entrance fee (yes, pricey) was nothing compared to their trainfare and she could have easily looked up the prices online.

MumofBoysx2 · 04/04/2018 10:14

She's rude and mad. If anything, after you went over the odds last time (paying for grown ups when it was really a kids party) then it should be her time to pay. If she takes offence, let her, she's the one in the wrong!

Addictedtohavingbabies · 04/04/2018 10:15

Yanbu, she is. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for me in that situation. She's cheeky.

RochelleGoyle · 04/04/2018 10:17

Hahaha, what a cheeky fucker. YANBU at all OP.

CoraPirbright · 04/04/2018 10:18

She sounds a) bonkers and b) nasty!! Surely she must understand the difference between the scenarios - one where you are the hostess of an event that you organised and the other, some mates meeting up??? And then to try and cut you out - what a cow! Thank goodness for your sensible friend putting her straight and refusing to rearrange specifically to exclude you. What an awful person!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/04/2018 10:18

I'm going with cheeky fucker chancer as well.
How very stupid of her to assume you would pay for her and her child on a normal day, rather than as part of a birthday party situation?!

And then to try and cut you out with the other friend - bloody rude! Glad your other friend is more loyal and an actual friend rather than a user and chancer.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/04/2018 10:21

She's a manipulative, greedy, spiteful cunt and you are well rid. Mind you, her poor DC! They will grow up being left out of stuff all over the place because other DC parents will want to steer clear of her and if she passes on her grabbiness to them they will struggle to make friends.

TwoDrifters · 04/04/2018 10:22

The thing is, a few people have suggested she might be broke/skint as some sort of mitigating circumstance, but she’s not, is she, since she’s now offering to pay for the other friend herself in an effort to ostracise OP.

Trinity66 · 04/04/2018 10:23

You are definitely not being unreasonable, what an odd woman, I'm embarrassed for her

TheMerryWidow1 · 04/04/2018 10:26

greedy cow, you are well rid of her.

Orangecake123 · 04/04/2018 10:28

Oh this made me laugh.

Birthdays are different!!

I used to be too generous and occasionally paid for best friends- I've learnt my lesson that whilst it's a nice gesture it's totally not needed.

HumptyD93 · 04/04/2018 10:29

Did she know you and other friend were meeting at soft play? it seems strange that 2 times shes asked if you meet up on days youre going to soft play....Is she maybe a major CF who is out for freebies???

Birthdays....yes I would pay for the children invited. You were overly generous by paying for siblings nevermind adults too.

General "play dates" you pay for your self and your own children.

MrsMozart · 04/04/2018 10:31

I agree with all - she's batshit bonkers.

MissDuke · 04/04/2018 10:32

The birthday party is totally different, it is expected that the host pays for the children's entry and food. However on a general meet up, everyone pays their own way. She is crazy!