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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 04/04/2018 16:17

Wow, yes friends pay forms he another if one of you is skint but it's not a given

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 16:27

Hi thank you all so much for replying. I went out to the soft play. I'll give an update then try to answer any questions.

She showed up today. Before paying she waited at the pay desk for 5 mins looking over at us with eyebrows raised. Both of us acknowledged her with a wave but she did not wave back.
When she eventually came in she then sat at a table away from us. I went over and suggested we put this behind us, said i was sorry if I had offended her and asked if she would come sit with us. She said nothing and just stared me down till I left. However when I went to order a drink shortly after she did go to the other friend and asked her to come join her. My friend said she'd move if I was welcome and happy to move too or that she could come join us but that she wasn't going to leave me on my own. When I came back she made almost a growling noise and then went back to her own table.
After this she pretty much ignored us. Except that every time she went to buy something she came over and announced it to us with a pointed look at me. She did however let the kids play happily together and was fine if they went over to her.

As far as I know she is British with no other back ground.
I don't think it's about money. She offered to pay for the other friend if she'd agree to ditch me and go to the other soft play so would have been spending twice as much.
We have met up at a number of different places between the soft play visits including her coming to my house.
Have I missed anything?

Feeling a bit teary after today. I'm not good with confrontation. Tho I wouldn't say we're that close - we only meet with the children - she is someone I normally see often, in a group or separately. Not sure what to do now.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 04/04/2018 16:32

What a weird woman, imagine getting odd with someone for not buying you food lol embarrassing

bunbunny · 04/04/2018 16:34

Has she ever paid for anybody else to do something? Or invited others to do something? Or complained before?

Bonkers behaviour - I can understand why you're upset though - it's horrible to be on the receiving end of something like that for no fault of your own, even when the idiot dishing out the bad behaviour is clearly bonkers and knows so from independent sources thanks to your mutual friend calling her out on it...

bunbunny · 04/04/2018 16:39

Oh and can't believe that she still expected you to pay today!!AngryShockConfusedShockShockAngry

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 16:42

I've just had a couple of phonecalls from her. I let it go to answer phone cos I just felt I didn't want to deal. She left a message on the 3rd call. 'Is this really how you're going to be with me? Isn't it time to grow up now?'

I don't think I can face calling her back. Should i message? What should I say?

OP posts:
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 16:45

I've never noticed her paying for anyone before. She did pay for me at a coffee shop once because I forgot my purse. But I PayPal-ed it to her before she'd even sat down.

OP posts:
TheMerryWidow1 · 04/04/2018 16:48

she is trying to bully you, don't give in to her. You tried to talk to her earlier but she didn't want to know. She is the loon.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 04/04/2018 16:54

Ignore and do not respond. You have the other friend as witness to her behaviour and now have a voicemail to show she is being petty. She wants to look like the decent person but she won’t. Keep the voicemail more as back up if she starts chatting rubbish about you but other than that just ignore her and call the “friendship” a day.

TomRavenscroft · 04/04/2018 16:56

She's a fucking loon. Block her number. Ignore her if you see her.

Knittedfairies · 04/04/2018 16:58

Mssage her and tell her you’re fed-up of it all. She’s got the wrong end of the stick about the etiquette of parent meet-ups at soft play; if it’s not a birthday party, you pay for yourself. (Tell her Mumsnet said so..)

Fuzzyduck0 · 04/04/2018 16:59

Nothing regarding a reply. She sounds deranged. What did your actual friend say to it all?

MrsAJ27 · 04/04/2018 17:03

Wow I can't believe people really behave like this Hmm

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 04/04/2018 17:03

She actually sounds mad

What did the normal friend say?
Is she friends with other mums? Ie can she spread what's happened?

ReanimatedSGB · 04/04/2018 17:04

Just ignore her. Your other friend sounds too sensible to be 'taken away from you' by the silly bitch.

Actually, if she persists in phoning you and/or sends nasty messages via Facebook or whatever, message her back once to say that you do not want any further contact from her. And if she carries on, report it to the police. She sounds verging on unhinged.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/04/2018 17:04

I’m assuming your other friend is also in full agreement with you.

What an odd message. She’s the one staring you down and sitting else where, how is it that you should “grow up”?

YoohooDorothy · 04/04/2018 17:07

She is wrong.

I would definitely expect to pay for myself and my DC at a meet up like that. If meeting for coffee sometimes we'll have the 'no, no it's my treat!' scuffle but absolutely nobody would turn up and expect to be paid for!

Fia256 · 04/04/2018 17:09

She's a few sandwiches short of a full picnic that's for sure!!

I would either just block her number and any other form of her being able to contact you. Or personally, I would have to send a text and say something like "I'm really struggling to understand your bizarre behaviour and I'm getting fed up dealing with it. I don't see what you could possibly have to say on the phone now that you couldn't say when I tried talking to you earlier. I don't have time to play childish mind games and have nothing more to say on it all, especially after being made to feel so uncomfortable by you today"

I think sometimes these types of people need to be called out to finally put a stop to it. They usually pick on people they think won't say anything and usually takes them by bloody surprise when you don't stand you their shit!

problembottom · 04/04/2018 17:09

I completely get why her awful behaviour has upset you but you need to realise it's not you, it's her. She's bat shit crazy, delete her number and avoid her.

RavenLG · 04/04/2018 17:10

Isn't it time to grow up now?'

Oh fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd message her back asking if she was directing that last question at herself, as ignoring someone when they are talking to your face, growling at them and trying to pay other friends to ditch someone because you're a tight arsed CF isn't grown up.

I know you're not good at confrontation and it seems like you're a nice person who wants to maintain the friendship/relationship, but I do think this bitch needs to laid out to her. I'm sure yourself (or other MNs) can do this a lot more eloquently than myself but something along the lines of
"As I stated at this soft play I am happy to put this business behind us should you offer me an apology for your awful behaviour. Your attitude towards money is not something I agree with and I will not be paying for any future meetups. I will also not tolerate your childish attitude with xx friend and trying to exclude me by bribing them with money. We are adults and should all act as such."

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 04/04/2018 17:11

It’s just cheeky. When you go on play dates everyone knows you pay your own way.

bringbacksideburns · 04/04/2018 17:13

You've been very nice to her. She is fucking Batshit and she's also trying to take your friends off you.

Enough is enough.

You text her back that you have already explained to her that when you meet up with your friends you tend to pay for your own entrance to things etc and never expect anyone else to foot the bill. The Birthday party was different because it was a PARTY.

Since then, tell her she has become unreasonably confrontational and aggressive towards you which is worrying you and has tried more than once to make your friend ditch you , much in the way a bully would at school with a couple of friends. Tell her that you are not prepared to get involved in any more juvenile crap with her and respectfully ask her to leave you alone from now on.

Wait until she's read it then block her. And cover your back - she's a fruitloop so will probably try to invite your friends out. Make sure they know the full story and that you do not wish to be involved with her so certainly keep out of any meet ups where she may turn up.

I'd pick another soft play place for a while too. She is bonkers.

I hate confrontation too OP but she's a bully. You need to put a stop to this.
And If you can't face saying all that in a text then just ask her to stop contacting you and block her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/04/2018 17:15

Hang on - SHE called YOU to meet up, and then regarded You as the host?

Surely if the invitation came from her, she should be paying, if that's the way she thinks things should work.

YANBU. You're meeting friends for a chat and a meal/coffee - you either pay for your own, split the bill down the middle, or take turns paying for the group.

Let her go from your life - you don't need this sort of drama.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 04/04/2018 17:16

She's crazy in the head.

The only time my friend and I will pay for each other in terms of admission or food is if we are booking something online for everyone and it saves dicking around with seperate bookings (also we can often get cheaper tickets by buying a family ticket in one transaction) and the other person reciprocates by either paying for food and/or the balance.

And to tell you to grow up when she's having a sulk and growling at you is even more looney.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/04/2018 17:16

Surely your friend kinda hosted her today so should be in the bad books for not paying too.