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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
planningpartyfreak · 04/04/2018 09:25

She's got confused clearly

She's either foreign

Her dc are either so young she's never socialised with them before and thinks you do it like the birthday usually and dug her heels in out of embarrassment

Or she's a 🦇 💩 cf!

HappyFeet1212 · 04/04/2018 09:26

You're well rid of her. Count your blessings that she's gone.
She'll come back though as she's a scrounger have your 'off you fuck' ready.

Rubyhay · 04/04/2018 09:26

If her way was the done thing you'd always wait for your friends to suggest places just so you could a free day out. What a strange strange women.

feathermucker · 04/04/2018 09:28

Wtf?! That's crazy behaviour.

I'm glad the mutual friend is loyal and having none of it.

MamosianAntiMatterChopsticks · 04/04/2018 09:28

Bloody hell... so every time someone invites her along to a meet up she thinks tgat person should pay for her and her child?!

So say we have 4 friends... we'll call them Friend A, Friend B, Friend C, Friend D....

Friend A asks Friend B and Friend C if they want to meet at softplay. They agree. Then Friend C also invites Friend D along.

By your friends logic OP, Friend A should pay for herself and her kids, as well as Friend B and Friend C and their kids too. And then Friend C should pay for Friend D. And this also includes paying for their lunch too!

She's not right in the head. Who does that?!

I'd phase her out OP, she sounds like hard work. And then trying to make you an outcast with the other friend is nasty. She's a bad egg.

Slartybartfast · 04/04/2018 09:29

You paid for everyone else but not her? she arrived at birthday party? Am i reading this wrong

ShiftyMcGifty · 04/04/2018 09:29

But you didn’t even invite her! She called you up and technically invited you. It was only because you had existing plans that you told her she could join in to your plans.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/04/2018 09:29

You’re reading it wrong

Slartybartfast · 04/04/2018 09:29

sorry - i have re-read.
perhaps she is skint

MiddleClassProblem · 04/04/2018 09:30

Slartybartfast the party op paid for everyone. The meet up everyone paid for themselves.

Slartybartfast · 04/04/2018 09:31

she has cut off her nose somewhat hasnt she? Perhaps she embarrassed herself.

MammaTJ · 04/04/2018 09:31

You pushed her off the gravy train before it even left the station! Grin

Well done for standing firm and not doing the British thing and paying out of embarrassment.

Slartybartfast · 04/04/2018 09:32

But no you were not wrong at all.
the only surprise was that you paid for a couple's meal during the birthday party. but that is irrelevant isnt it

Eggzandbacon · 04/04/2018 09:32

slartybartfast no it was a time after they met up and she didn’t pay for her (she paid for everyone at party) and CF was put out she didn’t automatically pay again.

If life was like this then no one would ever go out for fear of being the ‘inviter’ and getting stuck with the bill.

KC225 · 04/04/2018 09:32

Forget Trump and Brexit it's the invasion of the CF's we should be worried about. What is going on?

You are doing yourself down calling the palydate an invite. It was parents meeting up for a 'soft play natter'. As others have said a birthday party is very different from a day to day meet up. I have had tines when people have been short - cash machine ate my card on the way in. Friend stood, anither in the group left her purse in the car which DH took early in the morning. That type of thing, but this doesn't sound like its the case. She is being unreasonable.

However, I know this is a weird question but my friend had a similar thing when she was a student she suggested a new restaurant doing lunch deals to a fellow student. The student was horrified that my friend expected her to pay for her own meal as she considered herself 'invited'. My friend said it was meet up before class. The student was from Cameroon and told my friend that is how it is done there - you suggest it you pay.

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 04/04/2018 09:32

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food

So...am I reading this right- she called you asking if you wanted to meet up, but she was still expecting you to pay....after SHE called YOU??

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 04/04/2018 09:33

Completely bonkers.

Slartybartfast · 04/04/2018 09:33

Forget Trump and Brexit it's the invasion of the CF's we should be worried about. What is going on?

Agree Grin Shock

Merryhobnobs · 04/04/2018 09:34

The only time I woukd expect my child (and still not me!) Is at a proper birthday party. Every other time it is a meet up between friend's and we all pay our own way. Occasionally a cup of coffee gets bought depending on the situation but it isn't expected and then I reciprocate another time. She is clearly being cheeky as she is also seeking out the invite. So rude.

SleepFreeZone · 04/04/2018 09:36

Wow. So every play date that you invite her on from now on is at your expense is it? That’s just absurd. You paid when it was your daughters birthday because it was a celebration. How can she not comprehend that Confused

4GreenApples · 04/04/2018 09:38

This is ridiculous.

The only times my DC have had their entry paid to soft play is when they’ve been invited to birthday parties. Ordinary meet ups at soft plays, everyone has paid for themselves.

So everyone paying their own way, except at formal birthday parties, is normal IME.

RebootYourEngine · 04/04/2018 09:38

I would have laughed in her face and asked her what planet she came from.

I go for lunch about once a week with friends and we always pay for ourselves. On the odd occassion we will pay for each others too but it is never expected.

Glad your other friend is not a CF like this woman.

ImogenTubbs · 04/04/2018 09:42

I'm not normally so black and white about these things, but you're right, she's wrong. End of.

I've even been to birthday parties at soft play where you're expected to pay the entry fee yourself (although rare) and would never expect someone to pay for me on a playdate. Nor would I expect them to be so bloody rude.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/04/2018 09:42

Very odd !
I wouldn't encourage her to come along to be honest, she isn't friendship material. Drama Lama springs to mind.
Seriously OP, the woman is crazy ....

52FestiveRoad · 04/04/2018 09:42

You didn't invite her, she called you asking for a meet-up. You said she could come along to an already arranged trip out. That is not you inviting her! And even if it were, surely no one would expect you to pay for something so expensive. You might stand her an ice cream if you met at the park, but soft play entrance and food? That is a ridiculous expectation.

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