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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DSS won't cope with this!

146 replies

Timetotravel · 03/04/2018 22:57

We live on the other side of the world and are planning a trip home. We want to include DSS, 10 in the trip. We need to come home for a minimum of 3-4 weeks. We've tried to take DSS home a couple of times before and on more local holidays but his mum has always stopped it. (She'll miss him too much, didn't feel our destination was child friendly - etc) Currently DSS struggles if he is away from him mum more than 2-3 nights. We are really keen to include him on this trip and he seems very enthusiastic about it. But not sure he understands that he will be away from mum for 1 month and if he misses her, he won't be able to go back until the holiday is over. He's never been 'home' and worried that he'll find meeting extended family overwhelming. We are at the stage of booking flights, but can't really afford for him to change his mind once a $2k ticket is booked. We were planning on doing a couple of trial runs of getting him to come to us for 1-2 weeks solid to see how that goes. (Currently every weekend 2-3 nights) AIBU to think this might be a struggle .... or does anyone have any experience or helpful advice on how to prepare him for the trip of a lifetime !

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 08:58

Hopeful bump that I might get some advice !

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/04/2018 09:01

I wouldn't take him personally. If he struggles being away from his mum for 3 days he won't cope with a month. Maybe talk to him about doing the trip with him when he's older?

DartmoorDoughnut · 04/04/2018 09:02

Would his mum be ok for him to fly home alone aka can he fly out with you and come back in two weeks?

justawhisper · 04/04/2018 09:05

I wouldn't take him. If he struggles 3 nights then a month in a strange country will be a big no I should think.

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:06

I think travelling as an unaccompanied minor would be a very big ask for 24 hours of straight travel ......

OP posts:
piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 09:08

You don't want to take him. Don't make the reason someone else. Just don't take him.

Mynewnameforabit · 04/04/2018 09:08

Would his mum be ok for him to fly home alone aka can he fly out with you and come back in two weeks?
I wouldn't put a nervous, homesick 10 year old on a flight alone, and I'm not sure it's even allowed!?

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:09

@piercinggelo - what have I said to even suggest I don't want to take him ?

OP posts:
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 04/04/2018 09:09

What does his mum think? Is she supportive of the trip?

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:10

@Mynewnameforabit - frighteningly 5-11 is the age range for unaccompanied minor. 12-17 is young traveller ! Confused

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 04/04/2018 09:11

A 10 year old should be able to understand the concept of a month, how much have you talked to him about this trip? If you're not sure he understands a month can you compare it to concepts he will understand, like it's as long as you open an advent calendar for or something, and show him the dates on a calendar?

You need to help him make a firm descision on whether he wants to go or not, with explanations of how far away he will be, where he will be staying for all that time, how often he'll be able to talk to his mum on FaceTime. And of course, let him know that whichever choice he makes, you support him.

Mynewnameforabit · 04/04/2018 09:11

You don't want to take him. Don't make the reason someone else. Just don't take him.
I didn't see anything in the OP to suggest that, the OP sounds very caring. Is there a reason you think that, or just being nasty Hmm?

piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 09:11

what have I said to even suggest I don't want to take him ?

Just reading between the lines. Your entire OP suggests it would be easier all round if he didn't go. That's not a problem and it wasn't a criticism, just don't take him.

MamosianAntiMatterChopsticks · 04/04/2018 09:13

A nervous homesick 10 yr old away from mum for a whole month.... nope. Too much. Maybe when he's a bit older, but I think a whole month away is far too long for him.

RandomMess · 04/04/2018 09:13

I really think you need to find out if his Mum is supportive. It sounds as though she "needs" him and could have been fuelling his inability to stay longer than 3 days with you.

In reality he could be fine as he will have to let his Dad comfort him etc but is every phone call home going to cause complete anguish?

BrieAndChilli · 04/04/2018 09:13

You say you can’t afford for him to change his mind but surely you will be paying for the flight if he went so you’d be paying the same if he decided not to go? Could his mum come out for a holiday too? And stay somewhere nearby?

piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 09:14

the OP sounds very caring. Is there a reason you think that, or just being nasty

Woah! Wait a minute. I never said she wasn't caring, not even close to that :/ It is possible to car about someone whilst not taking them with you!

And no, I wasn't being nasty. Just realistic.

TSSDNCOP · 04/04/2018 09:15

You don't want to take him. Don't make the reason someone else. Just don't take him.

That’s a real leap right there unless you’re the child’s DM.

Take him. DS would be the same until he was in the situation. Then he’d be totally fine.

Can you not book a fully flex ticket though for him just in case?

Lizzie48 · 04/04/2018 09:17

The OP clearly does want to take him, that's me reading between the lines. She's worried that he'll decide at the last minute that he doesn't want to go and they'll have wasted the money, which is an understandable concern. She also doesn't want him to be homesick and not enjoy the experience. All very reasonable concerns.

Is it possible for your DSS to be in regular contact with his DM via Skype/Messenger?

DancingLedge · 04/04/2018 09:19

If he struggles when away from his mum for more than 2-3 nights, in what parallel universe is he going to suddenly cope when in a strange environment for a month?

Take a couple of week long holidays before taking this huge step.

TeenTimesTwo · 04/04/2018 09:20

Can you book a more expensive flight for DSS that is cancellable up to the last minute?

It seems too much to me. If he hasn't even done 1 week away from Mum before then 4 weeks sounds too big a step.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 04/04/2018 09:20

You were rude, curt and goady piercinggelo

I totally see your reservations op, can you do the week/two weeks before flights are booked?

DeathStare · 04/04/2018 09:22

From what you have said I don't think it sounds like it is in his best interests for him to come, regardless of how much you and your DH may want him there. I think you need to wait until he is older and less distressed at being away from his mum before you bring him on a trip like this

TwitterQueen1 · 04/04/2018 09:24

I wouldn't take him OP. It doesn't seem as if he'd be able to cope and the last thing you need is a distressed child who is desperate to go home...

ScarlettDarling · 04/04/2018 09:26

What does his mum think op?

Personally I think he may find it easier being away from her when he's on the other side of the world and returning early just isn't an option.

My parents divorced when I was young and when I stayed with my dad for a few nights in school holidays, I pined for my mum like mad. However, when my dad took me away on holiday I coped much better. Knowing that my mum wasn't just a 10 minute bus ride away and that I couldn't just go home if I wanted to made me feel much more settled about being away from her.

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