To think my DSS won't cope with this!

[Timetotravel]

We live on the other side of the world and are planning a trip home. We want to include DSS, 10 in the trip. We need to come home for a minimum of 3-4 weeks. We've tried to take DSS home a couple of times before and on more local holidays but his mum has always stopped it. (She'll miss him too much, didn't feel our destination was child friendly - etc) Currently DSS struggles if he is away from him mum more than 2-3 nights. We are really keen to include him on this trip and he seems very enthusiastic about it. But not sure he understands that he will be away from mum for 1 month and if he misses her, he won't be able to go back until the holiday is over. He's never been 'home' and worried that he'll find meeting extended family overwhelming. We are at the stage of booking flights, but can't really afford for him to change his mind once a $2k ticket is booked. We were planning on doing a couple of trial runs of getting him to come to us for 1-2 weeks solid to see how that goes. (Currently every weekend 2-3 nights) AIBU to think this might be a struggle .... or does anyone have any experience or helpful advice on how to prepare him for the trip of a lifetime !

Not in a million years would I have allowed anyone take my child away for a month, to the other side of the world.

Not even with their father and other parent? Would it be okay if you took them away for a month without their dad? I'm just curious what the criteria is here.

I wouldn't I think your reservations are well founded, you know him. A month is a huge amount of time for a 10 year old. Could his mum come too perhaps?

His m um can't afford to go and why should her ex husband pay for her to have a month in Australia?

If his Mum was able to start being more positive about her own life, it would obviously free him to live his life, but it seems like she's struggling.

if his mother is oging to phone him after a week and cry down the phone about how much she misses him, do NOT take him. The guilt would destroy him. The woman needs a smack.

The hostility towards the mother, the wondering if she has MH problems or depression, the blaming her because she didn't want the child being taken away when he was smaller...

WTF?

Not in a million years would I have allowed anyone take my child away for a month, to the other side of the world

Anyone? It's the child's father for goodness sake. Why would you put a stop to that?

I wouldn't take him. I was away from my 9yo for 2 weeks as my Mum was ill. Apparently he cried most days and when I spoke to him on Skype daily he asked when I was coming home. He was at home (and at school) with his Dad! I wouldn't risk it OP

Why can't she afford it? Her son is going to private school so surely there must be a certain living standard involved.

Is she living on the breadline whilst you and your partner go on long haul trips for a month in another country? That disparity alone raises issues. No wonder your DSS is protective of her at the tender age of 10.

I might be tempted to leave it till he is older but if he is convinced he wants to go and you've discussed how long a month actually is (ie remembering events in his life) and he is aware that he can't just go home, then I think you may have to risk it.

It's a parent's responsibility not to snot all over your children and wreck their fun trips with your (justified) sadness. The mum has wailed about missing the child before, and the child naturally finds it upsetting. YOu should NEVER let your children feel that you can't cope without them.

@Elendon - no she isn't on the breadline, it's our choice to educate him. A month long trip with no family to stay with + airfares + car rental + living expenses would be challenging for most families, regardless of situation.

At 10, a month is a long time to be away from his mum even if he is with his dad and extended family. I'd honestly wait a few years, but I would try to break the cycle with his mum by doing other some longer times with him. She sounds very dependent on him and that's not healthy. Can you start having him for 7 day stretches in school holidays etc.

I''m sorry to say I don't think I would take him.
I take my boys back to the UK every year, for 3-4 weeks, from Australia.
Granted they're younger than him (well, DS1 is 10 now) but even with them being with me, they are still prone to getting homesick in the last week away. I'm their primary carer and always have been, but they miss their Dad and their home and their toys and their friends and so on.
Hard enough to deal with when they have their primary carer (me) with them - MUCH harder to deal with if she's the one who didn't come along. :(

So no, much though everyone would like to give it a go, I believe it's too much too soon. He needs to try staying away from his mum for longer beforehand, but he also needs to really understand that he can't get home to see his mum earlier than the end of the holiday (unless she pays for a single ticket for him to fly as an unaccompanied minor).

A shame for you all :(

OP I think the mother is the problem and you really need to get her on side and promise not to say things like 'how much she will miss DSS' and similar comments. Can DH talk to her alone and get a commitment that she will not do this? otherwise DSS will miss such a great opportunity to not only travel, but be released from her apron strings.

Of course, you will all need to impress on DSS that he won't be able to change his mind and show him maps etc of where he will be going and how long it takes to get there.

I can see you want him to go and fully understand your concern, which is evident to us, as adults, but not a 10yo.

All the best for the trip and I truly hope it works out for everyone. Getting mum on board might be the worst part though.

;-)

If his mum is welcome to go along as well, but she can't afford it then there is some disparity in income involved. But you are basically saying she's welcome to come along so long as she stays in separate accommodation, pays for everything and only appears if DSS gets upset.

And I was hoping you would disagree strongly with this sentiment:

The woman needs a smack.

I am the parent that takes their child away for a month every year overseas- and thankfully the father sees the benefit to this and let’s us go. I think to say no mother should allow their child to travel with their family, to see other family, is extremely narrow minded. He’s ten. He’s not a baby, but a child who will be going to high school in the not too distance. Barring some kind of SEN issue, I can’t see why he should be unable to take the trip. He wants to go, the mother is allowing it, I’d be going ahead. Can pretty much guarantee that if he’s being spoiled by family for a month, and is a neurological child, he will have a ball. And I would also be happy if my DC,s father wanted to go overseas to visit family and would support the decision.

id find this hard as an adult!and want to put certain points of contact or contact with home.
have you sat down with him and took the calendar and said.look at the months weve ust gone through march say...all the things you've done,all the meals.all the sleeps and time with mum and friends,school etc.will he be ok with that length somewhere else.that you will do everything to support him.that you think he could do it if you put skype in place with his mum.or she could send a bunch of letter to open each week,and he to her. etc.
really go through it with him.if he enthuses over it then go for it.it can be done and might be the making of him but being with his struggles he might need a lot of help and it whether you can offer that.
but reasticly whether I can or shoul be done only you guys know that.
let him know its ok not to go too.maybe you could work up to longer time with you then book another holiday next year somewhere closer.
I might have tested out this longer time before even getting to book the flights.but hindsight is beautiful thing eh,

The mum has wailed about missing the child before

Mothers (sorry, 'mums) are absolute nuisances aren't they? God, they wail, they cry, they're hysterical, they don't want their children to go away for a month...

Why won't they just STFU, be a good little childminder and nurturer when needed, but oblige everyone else the rest of the time.

If the mother has been crying about his going away in the past then she needs a slap. And anyone who says they wouldn’t allow their child to be away from them for a month with their other parent needs a slap. On that basis you shouldn’t be allowed to take the child away from the other parent for a month either.

That being said, I have a child who has always struggled massively with being away from home with his dad and partner, to the extent that he will have been excited building up to the trip and then the day before he has massive second thoughts and I have literally had to take him to his dad’s myself or my ex has had to come and get him or he would never have gone. Sometimes he’s enjoyed the holiday, sometimes by the end he has been desperate to come home. It hasn’t helped that my ex has been the one laying on the guilt telling him he shouldn’t be missing me, berating him for ringing me more than he rang him when on holiday with me when he was younger for instance. But he would have struggled enormously with the idea of going halfway across the world when he was only ten. I would have let him go without question, but I also appreciate that it’s a difficult one for the parent taking him when all he wants is to be back home with his mum.

My DS is now old enough to decide for himself and I’ve told him that he needs to either commit to going or not going but that it’s not fair to be non committal at the last minute when payment and arrangements have been made. As such he’s decided that he’s not going away with them this year but he’s mid teens now which is different. At ten I would have made the decision in conjunction with my ex, and at no point ever would I have laid it on how much I was going to miss him.

I have a child who has always struggled massively with being away from home with his dad and partner

You sound like such a caring person, apart from the slaps being meted out to anyone who doesn't agree with you

@Elendon .... I'm confused ?!? Sorry

The hostility towards the mother, the wondering if she has MH problems or depression, the blaming her because she didn't want the child being taken away when he was smaller...

WTF?

Can I refer you back to what the op said upthread?

he worries hugely about his mum. That's the issue, she will openly say to him 'I don't know how I'll cope without you when you go!' So he feels torn.

That is not healthy. It is emotional blackmail. It's not hostility to the mother, to point this out. It's not her 'fault', but she needs to develop some insight. This level of neediness from a parent is damaging to children.

It sounds like this time his Mum is much more positive about her ds making the trip, so it would be great if she were able to keep on re-enforcing to her ds that she really wants him to go, everything will be fine while he's away and that she'll look forward to hearing all about his experiences when he phones/skypes her. The bottom line is, he needs to know his Mum can be happy without him. Hope you all find a way to go and enjoy the trip of a lifetime, op.

Why won't they just STFU, be a good little childminder and nurturer when needed, but oblige everyone else the rest of the time.

OR, and I realise that you may not see my point of view with this, try to recognise that your feelings as a mother are not actually the facts of the situation, that we are more than chimps and can at least TRY to understand that a child gone away for a month doesn't mean the child is lost or dead, and that emotionally manipulating your child into refusing to leave you is damaging, and not the same as not wanting your child to be away from you for a month.

That's the kind of thing that parents, grandparents, aunts say all the time, it's absolutely meaningless. It's always said in a jokey way.

What actual facts are there? She wasn't happy about the child going away for long periods when he was younger. She's OK with him going away now. But suddenly she's a raving monster loony who's damaging her child.

You all need to get a fucking grip.

Being a mother, or a father, is not about subverting the child's needs to support your own need for emotional closeness and support. It's about suppressing your own emotional response in order to give them as much support as they needs.

Why won't they just STFU, be a good little childminder and nurturer when needed, but oblige everyone else the rest of the time.

What? Who said that?

Maybe the mother should encourage her son's relationship with the other half of his family? My mum regularly took me to the other side of the world without my dad so I could have some kind of relationship with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Mothers are not the only parent with a say in how children are raised. The father is absolutely within his rights to want to take his son abroad to visit his family!