To think my DSS won't cope with this!

[Timetotravel]

We live on the other side of the world and are planning a trip home. We want to include DSS, 10 in the trip. We need to come home for a minimum of 3-4 weeks. We've tried to take DSS home a couple of times before and on more local holidays but his mum has always stopped it. (She'll miss him too much, didn't feel our destination was child friendly - etc) Currently DSS struggles if he is away from him mum more than 2-3 nights. We are really keen to include him on this trip and he seems very enthusiastic about it. But not sure he understands that he will be away from mum for 1 month and if he misses her, he won't be able to go back until the holiday is over. He's never been 'home' and worried that he'll find meeting extended family overwhelming. We are at the stage of booking flights, but can't really afford for him to change his mind once a $2k ticket is booked. We were planning on doing a couple of trial runs of getting him to come to us for 1-2 weeks solid to see how that goes. (Currently every weekend 2-3 nights) AIBU to think this might be a struggle .... or does anyone have any experience or helpful advice on how to prepare him for the trip of a lifetime !

Not all step mothers are evil you know.

I wasn't meaning to say that step-mothers were evil at all, the OP is obviously very caring. Just that sometimes you can't fix everything and the OP is not responsible to guarantee a perfect outcome for her DSS.

I wasn't meaning to say that step-mothers were evil at all, the OP is obviously very caring. Just that sometimes you can't fix everything and the OP is not responsible to guarantee a perfect outcome for her DSS.

True but surely ‘ we ‘ is just nitpicking semantics.

What does your DH think?

It’s a bit unusual to decide to continue a pregnancy conceived as a result of a one night stand isn’t it, NameChange? Especially in a century where contraception is an option.

I’m just trying to understand how the numbers add up.

Ok, I am going to ask what is potentially a controversial question here which is meant in general rather than against the OP or her DP.

While I stand by my point that it is never ok for a parent to lay on emotional guilt and to cry about how much they will miss their child, etc etc, I do wonder whether the relationship is different if a child has never lived with a parent rather than one where the child has lived with both and they have separated later in life.

If a child is born to a single parent and sees the other parent only on access visits etc it of course stands to reason that they will build a close relationship with that child assuming the parent remains involved. But it surely is different for the child if they leave their absolute primary parent, the one they have lived with all their life, to go on holiday with a parent they have never lived with before? It would be similar to going away with another family member they only see a couple of times a week at most, surely? Hence why the potential reluctance of the child to be away?

PS: I am not criticising such arrangements, but trying to see them from the child’s point of view, and I do think that it is different if you’ve never lived with someone than if you have. Even though it’s obviously still possible, likely even to have a close relationship with that other parent.

It’s a bit unusual to decide to continue a pregnancy conceived as a result of a one night stand isn’t it, NameChange? Especially in a century where contraception is an option.

Of course it's not unusual. Why would it be?

Sounds like a marvellous trip, with lots of things that are just perfect for a 10 year old boy. Those saying wait until he is a teenager may not have dealt with 😒 faced, sulky ' why am I even here ?' adolescents on long haul family visits ( those now adult, teenagers of mine who are now massively grateful for having family abroad to land on during world travels)

Tbh, if he currently struggles (for whatever reason) for 2/3 nights away then surely it has to be a no?

How else do you describe 2 people who both want the same outcome?

For sure, but however much you may both want that outcome no-one can guarantee that the trip will all go well, and it sounds as if his mother could react badly if anything does go wrong.

So if it was me I would let his parents carry the can and really let it be their decision and their responsibility not mine.

Id take him but make it clear that its for 4 weeks and that he understands what that means. Also that there is a time difference. Perhaps having access to phones etc may make him feel better or it may be a reminder of back home.

Also ask him how he can be helped with the homesickness.

If the OP had said "DH wants DSS to come" instead of using "we" there would have been a barrage of posts accusing OP of not wanting her stepson on holiday or the predictable "you sound like you don't like him" blah blah crap.

OP I think AnnieAnoniMouser has some really good advice in the last paragraph of her post at 11:55. Hope you can get things sorted.

It sounds like a long and complicated trip for a 10 years old who never been away even for a week.

Also you can't expect 10 years old to decide whether he will go or not , it's too big decision for a child.
Some children are ready to be away with their Dad for a month at 10 , some are not. maybe it's just too early for him.
And time difference will make phone calls quite complicated. (talking from experience)

Some really good advice (and some truly comments) going to tackle his mum first. DH is arranging for us all to have a chat about it and then we will tackle DSS with some longer visits in the next month. Everyone wants him to come - no one wants him upset, but time isn't on our side with DH's dad. Annoying that holidays need to be this complex !

souns like the trip of a lifetime.so instead of can he do this.do you really think he could with help or is it in your eyes impossible.because to me,hearing your itinary a young lad would love it!
so what can be done to help him come.things in place etc.then make it happen.id love for my son to be able to do this!

I agree with you, kateandme they need to get the DSS's mum on board to encourage him to be excited about the upcoming adventure. Maybe he could stay with you for a week first so he's more used to being away from his mum. With children, if the adults in their lives are confident and positive about something they tend to follow their lead. Whereas if they show anxiety then the child will pick up on that.

I think the op has said the mum wants him to go

my mum took me to Aus for a month when I was exactly that age, to visit family. I had an amazing time but also some really really homesick times missing my dad. I'm so glad she did though it toughened me up a bit. I could still speak to him on the phone! and nowadays, with whatsapp/facetime etc its even less of an issue. A long time, but depends on the child

I would take him he will have a lovely time and he and his mum will miss each other but they will cope. It will do you all the world of good. I think he is just the right age, he can keep a journal of the trip, but his mum gifts. He will be with you both who love and care for him. He will have a good time because you will make sure he does. Go for it

I took my neice for two weeks when she was younger for a similar family holiday. Yes he will be upset without his mum and there may be tears but you are his family too; I presume you and your DH love him so just deal with it. He needs to learn how to stay with his dad too!