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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DSS won't cope with this!

146 replies

Timetotravel · 03/04/2018 22:57

We live on the other side of the world and are planning a trip home. We want to include DSS, 10 in the trip. We need to come home for a minimum of 3-4 weeks. We've tried to take DSS home a couple of times before and on more local holidays but his mum has always stopped it. (She'll miss him too much, didn't feel our destination was child friendly - etc) Currently DSS struggles if he is away from him mum more than 2-3 nights. We are really keen to include him on this trip and he seems very enthusiastic about it. But not sure he understands that he will be away from mum for 1 month and if he misses her, he won't be able to go back until the holiday is over. He's never been 'home' and worried that he'll find meeting extended family overwhelming. We are at the stage of booking flights, but can't really afford for him to change his mind once a $2k ticket is booked. We were planning on doing a couple of trial runs of getting him to come to us for 1-2 weeks solid to see how that goes. (Currently every weekend 2-3 nights) AIBU to think this might be a struggle .... or does anyone have any experience or helpful advice on how to prepare him for the trip of a lifetime !

OP posts:
Juells · 04/04/2018 09:28

I can see DSS's mother's POV. I'd never agree to my 10-year-old being taken to the other side of the world for a month, without me. Particularly if he was a child that got homesick.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 04/04/2018 09:28

If he can't cope with being away from his mother for longer than 2 - 3 nights he clearly isn't ready to be away from her for 3 - 4 weeks.

Elendon · 04/04/2018 09:29

Listen to his mum and accept what you already know. He will struggle.

I've known children who struggle being away from home get to the airport/ferry and refuse to go on. The airport staff will be trained in safeguarding issues. It really isn't worth it.

Either go ahead and plan the holiday of a lifetime without him or put it off for a future date. It is entirely you and your partner's decision.

DonkeyOil · 04/04/2018 09:30

You say you can’t afford for him to change his mind but surely you will be paying for the flight if he went so you’d be paying the same if he decided not to go?

I think there's a difference between spending $2k, and it being worth it, and flushing $2k down the toilet!

Difficult situation, op. How easily is he comforted when missing his Mum, and what prompts the wobbles? Is it after she contacts him, or does he instigate contact with her because he's feeling homesick? Sometimes (this from experience - mine!) a dynamic develops where the child feels responsible for the parent's happiness, and this can stop them doing things they would be totally comfortable with, but for worrying about the 'left-behind' parent.

jannier · 04/04/2018 09:33

You don't say how long you have but personally if possible I would take him away for a week (here most 10/11 year olds havs a residential trip with school at this age). Id then book the ticket it will help him mature and build your side of the families relationship, At this age most children would be staying with the other parent for a week or two normally.....has mum got attachment/control issues that are fuelling it? Yes there will be times he is low and tearful but that is normal and you should be able to get through it.

Don't get why you had a comment about not wanting him, totally odd.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 04/04/2018 09:33

It really depends why he doesn't like being away for more than a couple of nights. Is it because his mum gets upset? Or because he doesn't get on with other children at yours?

If his mum isn't supportive you should probably drop it because it will make everyone anxious.

Could you try again with the idea of a week away somewhere before deciding?

orangesmartieseggs · 04/04/2018 09:35

I think it's a big thing to ask of a 10yo who's never been away from his mum for more than a couple of nights.

That being said, do you need to book the flights yet? Maybe you could do a few of these trial runs of him staying at yours for two weeks straight and if he copes with that, book the holiday?

I also think it's a possibility that if he's abroad and having fun, he might struggle a lot less than he would knowing his mum is just down the road, iyswim. Sometimes when you know your mum/dad is just round the corner, it's easier to say "I want to go home" than to stick it out.

peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 09:38

I'd do the trial run if the mum is supportive. If she isn't happy I don't think it will work anyway.

I think you are likely to have a few bad days but he will almost certainly adjust unless he has some other problems, anxiety or something like that?

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:38

It's so hard because he is desperate to travel. All his friends at school do and because he is privately educated it can be a bit of a competition as to who's had to best overseas holiday! This is the 3rd time we have tried to take him and his mum has stopped it each time. On top of that we have tried to take him overseas recently twice (3-5 hour flight) and again mum stopped it. We took him overseas when he was little - but mum was hysterical about it and demanded we bring him home, he was too little to realise all the fuss. She however is keen for him to make this trip. We won't be able to do a trial holiday before we go. Simply need the leave and $$ to make the big trip later on in year. Which we can't move as it coincides with a family event. Feel so torn in wanting him with us and potentially protecting him from being really upset and miles from home !

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:41

@DonkeyOil - he worries hugely about his mum. That's the issue, she will openly say to him 'I don't know how I'll cope without yo when you go!' So he feels torn. But I don't want him to keep missing out on great experiences. Nor can we not go as DH hadn't seen his elderly dad in 3 years !

OP posts:
peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 09:44

Timetotravel, don't know if personal stories help but here's mine. I was a very clingy anxious child, stemmed from emergency admission to hospital in the days when parents weren't encouraged to visit and if they did it was an hour a day. So I was a fairly traumatised 3 year old. This did make me anxious although I didn't understand it at the time, a change of school saw me really depressed at about 7 and I think if it was now I would be referred to CAMHS. Anyway I didn't want to go away from mum, wouldn't even go on school day trips.

Dad wanted to visit his home country, this was when I was 8, I really wanted to go but mum was worried as I wouldn't be able to fly home. I did cry like mad, that was when I left all my newly discovered family when we got on the coach to get to the airport and fly home. It was such a positive experience for me and really life changing.

It might happen to your DSS or it might be the opposite. So hard to know and such a hard decision. I hope he manages it.

piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 09:44

You were rude, curt and goady piercinggelo

Oh. Well that wasn't the intention.

KC225 · 04/04/2018 09:44

Is the mother able to fly over during the middle and take him off for a week or so? Big ask I know.

If not, are there things he really wants to do - mine are the same age - off the top of my head - theme Parks etc, city tour, Cereal Killer just off the top of my head. Give him things to tick off - one a week may break it down into chunks as opposed to a solid month.

MammaTJ · 04/04/2018 09:44

It sounds like his mum has been a major factor in him not being able to cope in the past, but there is a difference with this trip. Maybe she will be more supportive and your DSS will actually cope better due to this.

Elendon · 04/04/2018 09:46

You are making the situation impossible to resolve OP.

There seems no to be a switch from your original post and thread header to the latest update: he is actually desperate to travel and it's all the fault of his mum that he gets anxious about leaving her.

There is nothing anyone can say now that will 'resolve' the situation for you.

Just go by yourselves. I'm sure his mum can afford to take him away on trips or is she so poor she is unable to do this?

LagunaBubbles · 04/04/2018 09:52

It sounds like his mum has been a major factor in him not being able to cope in the past, but there is a difference with this trip. Maybe she will be more supportive and your DSS will actually cope better due to this

Yes I think this to. It sounds like hes been feeding off her anxieties. Wonder what has changed for her to be supportive this time? Has she got other plans?

Schnauzermum2 · 04/04/2018 09:54

There is no way on earth I would let my DS travel to the other side of the world without me at age 10, personally I think 1 month is too long to be away from his mother at that age. Why do you have to go for so long - plenty of people travel to Australia for 2weeks is that an option? Or is it an option for his DM to come too?

Juells · 04/04/2018 09:54

I don't know why the mother would agree to this. Not in a million years would I have allowed anyone take my child away for a month, to the other side of the world.

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:54

@Elendon apologies I don't think there is a switch. I'm not saying any of it is her fault, it's a difficult situation. I don't want to upset her as much as I don't want to upset DH, DSS, His grandparent and myself. I feel stuck as I'm getting pressure from family and work to confirm dates !

OP posts:
EasterBunBun · 04/04/2018 09:54

He's not going to be just with little known extended family for that time , he's going to be with his father with whom sounds he has a good and stable relationship. Everyone is going to be unsettled for a few days( jet lag) but he will adjust - he's not moving permanently and a 10 year old is going to understand that.

I'm sure the boy would cope and have a lovely time but his mother being hot and cold hysterical is not a happy basis for the beginning of the trip. Is there anyone in her family who could help her to see that it would be kinder to the boy to feel he has his mother's support ? Does she have any kind of fear, irrational though it may be, that you may not be returning ?

DonkeyOil · 04/04/2018 09:58

So it sounds like he would cope fine with being away from his Mum, if he felt she was secure and happy and 'doing her own thing' while he was away? That is such an intractable problem. Is she coping with depression, or other mh issues? When a child is thrust into a parenting role for whatever reason, it becomes very difficult for them to imagine how things are going to function when they're not there. If his Mum was able to start being more positive about her own life, it would obviously free him to live his life, but it seems like she's struggling. Does she have any support other than her ds?

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:59

No fear that we won't be returning and a 2 week holiday isn't an option. My family live in one country and DH another. Include jet lag, 3 days of travel and a $6k airfare bill (before you do anything) 2 weeks isn't a viable option. (Coming from someone who has been there done that) His mum could travel - but she can't afford it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 09:59

@DonkeyOil - no other support. Just DSS.

OP posts:
colditz · 04/04/2018 10:01

It's a very, very long time for a ten year old who already doesn't like to be away from his mum. It's a wonderful opportunity, and in 3 or 4 years he would probably really appreciate and enjoy it, but 10 is young

colditz · 04/04/2018 10:04

Ah - if his mother is oging to phone him after a week and cry down the phone about how much she misses him, do NOT take him. The guilt would destroy him. The woman needs a smack.

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