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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DSS won't cope with this!

146 replies

Timetotravel · 03/04/2018 22:57

We live on the other side of the world and are planning a trip home. We want to include DSS, 10 in the trip. We need to come home for a minimum of 3-4 weeks. We've tried to take DSS home a couple of times before and on more local holidays but his mum has always stopped it. (She'll miss him too much, didn't feel our destination was child friendly - etc) Currently DSS struggles if he is away from him mum more than 2-3 nights. We are really keen to include him on this trip and he seems very enthusiastic about it. But not sure he understands that he will be away from mum for 1 month and if he misses her, he won't be able to go back until the holiday is over. He's never been 'home' and worried that he'll find meeting extended family overwhelming. We are at the stage of booking flights, but can't really afford for him to change his mind once a $2k ticket is booked. We were planning on doing a couple of trial runs of getting him to come to us for 1-2 weeks solid to see how that goes. (Currently every weekend 2-3 nights) AIBU to think this might be a struggle .... or does anyone have any experience or helpful advice on how to prepare him for the trip of a lifetime !

OP posts:
Pikehau · 04/04/2018 11:33

Why are people talking about “being taking away” so negatively. He is going with his father on holiday! If the mum and dad were together and only could afford 2 tickets would this still be “taken away”

FWIW op I know my opinion can influence my children so if his mum is on board then she needs to help with the preparation and also be trusted not to voice her negative comments.

Nothing dramatic in my beige childhood but I once didn’t finish a climb of a mountain as my mother declared I would be blown off the top..... ffs! My brothers ans sisters and dogs managed just fine. Both she and I have regretted it ever since!

Mothers have a very strong influence.

Pikehau · 04/04/2018 11:34

posted too soon....

... so use that strong influence to your advantage so he can have a wonderful time.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 04/04/2018 11:35

He's 10! Why wouldn't he understand that he'll be away for a month? DD 10 agrees with me. Confused

diddl · 04/04/2018 11:38

What would you be doing as a family?

If it is just meeting relatives I'd say no.

TheMythicalChicken · 04/04/2018 11:38

Can you take his Mum as well?

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 11:39

Interesting how many people want us to include his mum ....... how many of you would include your ex on a 4 week holiday ?

OP posts:
physicsisfun1 · 04/04/2018 11:41

Interesting how many people want us to include his mum ....... how many of you would include your ex on a 4 week holiday ?

Agree! Not me!

JCo24 · 04/04/2018 11:42

All of you saying you wouldn’t agree to this, but I know a few Mum’s who have gone away travelling for a month and left their kids with their father.
Honestly I think do it, get him used to it now.

yesihavenamechange · 04/04/2018 11:42

At age 10 I wouldn't have been able to cope with being in a foreign country away from my mum for a week, let alone a month. And there'd have been no chance of simply flying me home alone if I struggled - that would've been utterly terrifying.

I think you need to do this trip without DSS and give him a few years.

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 11:44

Holiday will be, stop in Asia, London tourist trip, plus football game, catch up with DH's family, see some of historic England, tour of football ground, trip to europe, tourist stuff more family, back to uk, mascot at football game, visit his grandparents, fishing, outdoor activities, farm stuff, more family then home via UAE.

OP posts:
DonkeyOil · 04/04/2018 11:45

it's simply a mother who's the primary care-giver missing her child when he's away.

Of course, but you can miss your child without making it so obvious to them, that it makes them worry about you while they're away.

Imo, it's your job as a parent to re-enforce in your child the default that everything's going to be fine.

And I don't think the op has painted her dss's Mum as a 'nutcase'. She sounds like she is overly emotionally dependent on her child. That's not uncommon, and I, for one, had a darling Mum who sometimes made me feel trapped Sad. She had a need (because of a fractured childhood, I guess) for emotional closeness which only I could fill, but resented having to. Difficult.

As a consequence, I have always tried to encourage my dc to explore the world, in the knowledge that I will be fine, living my life, but will be there for them to come back to. That's not because I'm perfect, or particularly emotionally mature. I just want to give them the freedom I felt I never had.

Kleinzeit · 04/04/2018 11:48

I would back off from the "we" want him to come. You are willing for him to come with you and DH if that's what his parents decide and that's as far as it needs to go. If he is likely to change his mind beforehand and his parents are not going to say "too late now laddie, get on the plane and make the best of it" then you could suggest to your DH to wait for another year or two so as not to waste the airfare. But in the end it's their decision and once he is on the plane he will have to "cope" as best he can and it will really be up to his father to make sure he does.

And I would only do "trial runs" if the arrangement is that he doesn't return home at all during the trial, or that if he returns home during the trial then he doesn't go on the big trip at all. Otherwise he is being primed to feel he can go home when he feels unhappy and that will only make homesickness etc worse.

orangesmartieseggs · 04/04/2018 11:49

Interesting how many people want us to include his mum ....... how many of you would include your ex on a 4 week holiday?

Exactly - very weird suggestion! And would those people expect the ex to take his dad away on their holidays?!

Original poster
Timetotravel · 04/04/2018 11:53

@Kleinzeit

I would back off from the "we" want him to come. You are willing for him to come with you and DH if that's what his parents decide and that's as far as it needs to go.

How else do you describe 2 people who both want the same outcome ? I've been in DSS's life since he was a baby ..... but I guess that means nothing? Right I can't use the word we to describe my husband and myself !

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 04/04/2018 11:55

It’s really too hard to say without knowing DSS & his Mum.

Definitely come for as long as you can. I do it the other way and it’s just not worth it for a shorter trip. He accepts to that or he waits until next time.

How much more would it cost to buy him a flexi fare?

His mum: IF she would encourage him & tell him how fab it’ll be and say she will miss him, but she will be just fine and has lots of things planned to keep herself busy until he’s back...then just maybe. But if she will just keeps saying she’ll miss him then too much & doesn’t know how she’ll cope etc then no, I wouldn't take him. DH needs to talk to her about that & the impact is has on DSS’s emotional well-being. She needs to accept that DH is his DAD and that if anything happened to her he would live with his Dad & she needs to out her own emotions aside and make him happy to be with his Dad, nit miserable worrying about her. Once she has properly agreed to him going, I would get her to sign something to say she is giving her permission for DH to take him to England on these dates. That’s the airport covered. Then I’d get a separate note signed to say that she agrees to refund the airfare and any other costs incurred if she insists on him not going & DH agrees not to take him (DH’s choice not to enforce the first permission letter). I don’t know how much sway with the courts they’d have, but they might make her realise the importance of her decision and not withdraw permission later on as she has previously.

After that, you need to talk to DSS a bit more. Explain that you really want him to come, but that you understand if he wants to wait until next time, because his happiness is the most important thing here. It doesn’t matter that his mum will miss him a bit (she’s a grown up, she will be fine) and it doesn’t matter that his dad wants him to go and see all the family & have holiday with you (he too is a grown up and will be fine). What matters is what he truly wants. Explain how much the ticket is and that once it is booked he will be going, because it’s too much money to waste on someone being indecisive. So, your are ok with whatever he decides, but he has to make a decision.

DrEustaciaBenson · 04/04/2018 11:59

I once didn’t finish a climb of a mountain as my mother declared I would be blown off the top..... ffs! My brothers ans sisters and dogs managed just fine. Both she and I have regretted it ever since!

Those saying 'wait a few years': OP has said her DH's father is 'elderly'. Of course he could still live for many more years, but what if it turns out this was the dss's only opportunity to meet his grandfather? Especially as it seems he isn't likely to have any relationship with his DM's family. Is that something he might regret in the future? (I say this as someone who never had the opportunity to meet either of my grandfathers.)

differentnameforthis · 04/04/2018 11:59

I wouldn't take a kid who can't be away from home for more then three nights on a four week holiday with no way to get back in a hurry.

differentnameforthis · 04/04/2018 12:00

*than

AnnieAnoniMouser · 04/04/2018 12:02

Christ on a bike.

Of course you don’t need to take his Mum. It’s just a completely batshit idea. Totally reinforcing he’s right to be worried about his Mum coping without him. Fucking nuts.

WE of course you can say WE. You want him to come. Your DH wants him to come. That’s WE.

There are some batshit posts on here.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 04/04/2018 12:04

It’s different knowing your Mum is just around the corner & texting to say she misses you, than going halfway around the world knowing going home to make your mum happy isn’t an option.

bluebeck · 04/04/2018 12:12

Absolutely no way would I do this. I know you have good intentions OP, I really do, but actually it would be unintentionally cruel.

Leave it until another time when he is older.

DonkeyOil · 04/04/2018 12:14

It’s different knowing your Mum is just around the corner & texting to say she misses you, than going halfway around the world knowing going home to make your mum happy isn’t an option.

Gong home to make your Mum happy shouldn't even be something a child should have to contemplate.

RhiWrites · 04/04/2018 12:17

partner of 10 years, wife of 4 so not new. And no I wasn't the OW, DH and DSS's mum weren't together.

How does that work? Your partner’s son with his ex is 10. Surely he and his ex were together when the child was born? And then the marriage immediately ended?

Have you fudged the ages? I don’t get this.

physicsisfun1 · 04/04/2018 12:21

I would back off from the "we" want him to come. You are willing for him to come with you and DH if that's what his parents decide and that's as far as it needs to go.

Really? How ridiculous!
Not all step mothers are evil you know.

yesihavenamechange · 04/04/2018 12:24

What century do you live in Rhi? They might not have been married. It could've been a one night stand.

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