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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Evil - I know I’m not BU

133 replies

AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 20:10

I don’t know if anyone remembers my post about DD’s allergy to cats? A quick recap is DD has severe asthma & allergy to cats - her father refused to accept this at it would mean putting his new partner’s cat out, this is despite Dr stressing no contact with cats.

Fast forward from then we now have had tests done proving without a doubt that DD is severely allergic to cats (we have now been advised that it is critical DD is kept away from cats)

Yesterday DD was with her father & when they arrived at his house he put the cat out. However DD has informed me that after her father left the room his partner brought the cat back in and kept it hidden. She seemingly was unaware that DD noticed. Chillingly DD also told me she felt like it was done on purpose to hurt her. (I have always had the opinion that she resented DD because of her link to me so it doesn’t surprise me & I don’t feel it’s exaggerated)

What’s my next step here? If she’s putting my DD at risk is this something that should be reported? I’m so angry & afraid for my DD to be around her again. I don’t know if talking to ex will yield any results, other than a mouthful of abuse saying I’m jealous / lying

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/04/2018 20:12

What she did was awful.

But are you sure putting the cat out will help? Generally there are still cat hairs and things in the house so still an increased risk.

My son can’t go to certain homes with dogs because he will react whether the dog is there or not

ConstantReminder · 03/04/2018 20:16

Is your daughter old enough to repeat this story to her dad?

Also - putting cat out not enough. Need to get rid of the cat and clean the house top to bottom if allergy is severe

Original poster
AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 20:17

I know your right about the hair @sirzy but according to my solicitor we have to try it like that first - ordering someone to not have an animal in their own home violates all manner of things. Apparently not my child’s health though 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 20:19

And not enough to stipulate contact can’t be at the house (breaking court order). It’s like playing Russian roulette with DD’s health

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 20:20

Sorry for drip feed, she’s more than old enough to repeat to her father but would prob be too afraid to do so.

OP posts:
ElizabethDarcy88 · 03/04/2018 20:22

How old is DD? Would he believe you/her if you old him what she's said.

mimibunz · 03/04/2018 20:23

Evil or the new partner loves her cat? I wouldn’t get rid of my cat for a new partner’s child but I would break up with the man. Problem solved.

Pinkvoid · 03/04/2018 20:30

Hmm, difficult one. She loves her cat which is fair enough as I love mine too. It’s unreasonable to expect the cat to stay outside the entire time your DD is there (if it’s more than a few hours anyway...) Also what will happen when it’s terrible weather outside? I know it’s ‘just a cat’ to some people but they are sentinent beings and also some people’s beloved pets so it’s unfair to expect them to just stick them outside for hours on end. I’ll be honest, I would worry about my cat being outside for a long time.

However, obviously your DD’s health is vital too so it’s difficult. The only real compromise I can think of is either keeping the cat in a room your DD isn’t allowed in (with access to its food/water and litter tray) or your DD sees her DF outside of the home.

ny20005 · 03/04/2018 20:33

Oh my ! I can't understand how any court would insist at putting your child's health at risk ! Surely contact should be out of his home

Lookatyourwatchnow · 03/04/2018 20:36

What happens if she comes in to contact with a cat?

FannyFifer · 03/04/2018 20:36

So what reaction did your dd have with the cat being in the room?

Notallthat · 03/04/2018 20:39

When you say severely allergic what reaction(s) does she have? Does she have an epipen or anti-histamine? You need her consultant to write a letter stating your daughter cannot be in a house where a cat lives without seriously endangering her health if it causes asthma or anaphylaxis then her DF will have to make other arrangements for contact or the cat.

Babyplaymat · 03/04/2018 20:40

I'm severely cat allergic, and even without asthma it is awful. The dander gets everywhere. Come out in hives, eyes swell up to slits, excema flares, eyes and nose stream, constant sneezing. Itch to the point of scratching till I bleed if untreated and in contact with a cat. Add asthma to the mix and I'd be thoroughly miserable. Much as I love animals, your daughter comes first tbh.

However, if she didn't react to the point it was obvious the cat was there, is it that bad?

Babyplaymat · 03/04/2018 20:42

"DD sees father outside of the home"? She's more important than a cat!

troodiedoo · 03/04/2018 20:47

I'm a huge cat lover but people are more important.

Really not sure what your next move should be though. Somehow you need to make your ex understand the seriousness. Hope you can sort it out.

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/04/2018 20:47

So was your DD affected when the cat was brought back in? Did they ignore her symptoms or were they not triggered?

I'm also very allergic to cats. My father's OH has cats so when they bought a house together, I knew I wouldn't be able to visit because of the cats. We tried various ways round it (from steroids to homeopathic remedies to me sleeping in a caravan outside their house) and it was pretty miserable for me. What was very obvious though was my reaction. Within 10 mins of being inside (whether the cats were in the room or not), my eyes would start streaming and become bloodshot, I'd sneeze and develop a rash. These were not great but I can live with them. What I couldn't live with is that it triggered asthma in me and I would be wheezing within minutes. My breathing wouldn't get back to it's normal levels for up to 2 weeks after the exposure.

I'm not saying your DD is the same but if she's severely allergic, did the cat not trigger symptoms? Did her DF ignore them??

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 03/04/2018 20:49

Me too Mimibunz

Also wondering was this confirmed by NHS services, not just one of those send away tests?

colditz · 03/04/2018 20:49

Don't send her again.

If he's happy to live with a cat despite his daughter being asthmatic and severely allergic, I'm afraid he doesn't really give a shit and won't bother paying to go to court to enforce contact.

Original poster
AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 20:51

Her eyes will weep puss, hives and has had an asthma attack so severe she’s been blue lighted away to hospital because of coming into contact with the cat. So it’s more than an inconvenience, it actually can be life threatening in this case.

I’m not anti cats or anything like that (I feel quite sorry for this particular cat) but obviously my child’s life is more important than any animal.

I get what your saying @mimibunz 👍🏻

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2018 20:51

For an allergy that severe, it's best that contact takes place outside the home, because even if the cat is shut up in one room, there will be enough traces of hair/dander etc to affect DD.
I'm allergic to cats, but not dangerously so - I went to visit my mum on Sunday and her last cat died last year, but there are still objects with enough of a cat-taint on them to make my eyes itch and swell. And mum is pretty houseproud.

A reasonable NRP would agree to contact outside the home. If he won't, then stop contact, arm yourself with all the medical evidence that contact with cats is dangerous to DD and tell the fucker you'll see him in court. Unfortunately there are still too many people who consider allergies to be attention-seeking behaviour and that anyone who wants to avoid their pet should be told to get over themselves. The GF may be one of those (rather than someone eeeeevil enough to want to put your DD in hospital).

Hissy · 03/04/2018 20:53

You need to go back to court.

Your dd is not safe and this court ordered contact even without the malice, is harmful to her, and her dad isn’t stepping up to protect his dd well being

FlashTheSloth · 03/04/2018 20:53

That's ridiculous. Can't you say to your ex what happened?

I'm allergic to dogs, rabbits and guinea pigs, they give me bad asthma, itching, sneezing etc. Putting them outside would be pointless, just being in the house where they live would be enough to set it all off.

Surely if he refuses to take his daughter's illness seriously, then contact has to be renegotiated.

Original poster
AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 20:54

@tawdry it was a proper test done by NHS

You could see it in her eyes but was only there for a few minutes, chest is slightly wheezy

OP posts:
Cherrypieface123 · 03/04/2018 20:54

What would happen if she was allergic to nuts and her DF deliberately fed her peanut butter sandwiches? Would something be done then? Surely it’s abuse if he’s deliberately taking her to a house where she could end up struggling to breathe due to this allergy?

Mybrows · 03/04/2018 20:56

The cat needs to be rehomed. Or the partner and the cat need to move out. There are no other options.