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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Evil - I know I’m not BU

133 replies

AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 20:10

I don’t know if anyone remembers my post about DD’s allergy to cats? A quick recap is DD has severe asthma & allergy to cats - her father refused to accept this at it would mean putting his new partner’s cat out, this is despite Dr stressing no contact with cats.

Fast forward from then we now have had tests done proving without a doubt that DD is severely allergic to cats (we have now been advised that it is critical DD is kept away from cats)

Yesterday DD was with her father & when they arrived at his house he put the cat out. However DD has informed me that after her father left the room his partner brought the cat back in and kept it hidden. She seemingly was unaware that DD noticed. Chillingly DD also told me she felt like it was done on purpose to hurt her. (I have always had the opinion that she resented DD because of her link to me so it doesn’t surprise me & I don’t feel it’s exaggerated)

What’s my next step here? If she’s putting my DD at risk is this something that should be reported? I’m so angry & afraid for my DD to be around her again. I don’t know if talking to ex will yield any results, other than a mouthful of abuse saying I’m jealous / lying

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/04/2018 22:13

Have you spoken to anyone at social services?

Not even sure if this is an appropriate response, but your child needs all the support she can get, and surely SS are there to protect the interests of children

Graphista · 03/04/2018 22:15

I remember your last post on this.

Honestly in your position I'd get a new more assertive lawyer and refuse contact at his until he takes this seriously and the matter properly handled

It's not just her health it's her life at risk.

Ex is being a dick!

Raven88 · 03/04/2018 22:22

Did your daughter have a reaction when the cat was hidden in the house?

I'm a cat owner and I adore my cat but if someone brought a child with a severe allergy over I would put my cat in a room to keep the child safe. I wouldn't risk it. I might be overreacting but I find it disturbing that she hid the cat in the house knowing your DD could become ill.

Ickyockycocky · 03/04/2018 22:27

Putting the cat outside is not enough. Your child is at risk from being in the house, where any cat has been.

I would contact Children’s Safeguarding Team for advice. Your child is at risk.

Original poster
AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 22:33

@raven88 yes I think it’s very sinister! And not even in a different room but the same room DD was in.

Her eyes were funny & slight wheeze but only about 5mins contact

OP posts:
SaucyJane · 03/04/2018 22:34

The problem is that what causes the reaction isn't the cat or even the hair - it's the dander, which is like a fine powder (technically I think it's a protein in the cat's saliva?). So it costs the cat's hairs and then gets everywhere. Because it's so fine, it's impossible to get rid of it until the cat's been gone for a while.

I could tell you if a house has had a cat in it within about 5 minutes. The slow start of a tickly nose; prickling burning eyes; the awful itching inside the ears and mouth and throat; the tightening chest and breathing...

And it's all so bloody pointless! Cats are not only harmless but gorgeous Angry

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/04/2018 22:41

At what point was the child arangements order obtained and in this where was the knowledge of the allergy and it’s severity?

Original poster
AngelL7 · 03/04/2018 22:50

@needs no at the time court orders were made there was no known allergy, but then there had been no contact with a cat at this time

OP posts:
givemesteel · 03/04/2018 22:55

I do remember your previous post OP.

If your dd's symptoms start up by just being in the house for 5 mins (ie not being in contact with the cat),there are only two options. Either your DD sees her dad outside the home or the cat is rehomed. He needs to understand there is no compromise or other way. If you can get a professional to support this view (ie your DD is basically risking her life every time she goes in the house) I would use this to get the terms of contact rewritten.

If your ex had a dangerous dog that attacked your DD then you'd not send her back until the dog was removed, this is the same, only worse.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/04/2018 23:05

Then and I mean this respectfully you need a second opinion legal wise face to face having taken all your medical evidence with you. It will cost you an appointment fee but if the situation is as you describe with no significant history of nonsense on your side or appearance of blocking and at least the appearance of reasonable, I don’t know many decent practising family law bods who wouldn’t play this fairly confidently.

Wallywobbles · 04/04/2018 08:15

Yup I second the legal route. It's slow but it's the safest long term option.

LannieDuck · 04/04/2018 08:22

I think I would be going back to court to specify that all contact is within a 'cat free environment'. How your Ex-OH achieves that can be up to him.

MsBeauvoir · 04/04/2018 08:53

I agree with others get a new solicitor or make your current one realise the seriousness of a cat allergy. Removing the cat for the visits won't help, your DD can't go in that house unless the cat goes and the house is deep-cleaned first.
I speak as someone who is a cat-lover and has an allergy to them.

MsBeauvoir · 04/04/2018 08:55

And removing the cat for the duration of your DD's visits won't be of any help at all, your solicitor is showing their lack of understanding of how cat allergies work.

notapizzaeater · 04/04/2018 08:58

Why was she only in the house 5 mins .? Did she start reacting and he took her out ? You really need to get better legal advice, maybe someone from SS to advocate on her behalf.

Toffeelatteplease · 04/04/2018 09:02

Tell your ex either the cat goes or access with his DD doesn't happen at that house. If he persists in failing putting your DDs health first contact will need to be indirect (telephone email Skype etc.)

And get a new solicitor. Your one is shocking and is playing roulette with your DDs life.

MrsBertBibby · 04/04/2018 09:05

You need to apply to vary the order so that contact is away from the home.

You cannot just stop sending her.

If the medical evidence stands up then job done.

FleurDelacoeur · 04/04/2018 09:14

Totally agree that people don't take animal allergy seriously. I'm allergic to cats too. My eyes swell and water, I sneeze uncontrollably, itch and wheeze. My asthma is fairly mild and I can usually cope by getting myself out of the cat-house, having a shower, changing all my clothes, loading up on antihistamines and using my inhaler. I can very easily see how someone with more serious asthma could end up in hospital. It's not fun.

To be fair, the cat being in the house is neither here nor there - there will be enough cat dander in the house to cause a reaction even if the cat is outside. Insisting a cat is put outside really won't solve the problem at all.

I think you do need to get back to court or see a solicitor - and get this allergy taken seriously. OP's DD has my every sympathy, when I react to a cat it can make me feel really quite ill.

Inertia · 04/04/2018 09:15

The problem is that the cat lives there the rest of the time, so even if it isn’t in the same room the allergens will still be present.

Now that there’s a formal diagnosis and medical evidence,it seems reasonable to apply to vary the court order so that contact takes place elsewhere. It’s worth documenting all the instances of allergic reactions in the meantime. It’s worrying that your ex minimises your daughter’s reaction to this- with such severe asthma he could be putting her health at serious risk.

achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 04/04/2018 09:18

I'm kind of in the same situation as your ex's DP. I have a cat and DPS ex is saying the DC has cat allergies. DC has tests that say no cat allergies, and has been around cat for a few months now and we've seen no reaction, but we did discuss it with the solicitor. Ex is insisting that there are cat allergies since she found out we have a cat and has hinted heavily that our cats should be rehomed. Solicitor said that as the property and the cat are mine and not DPS, no court will order that the cats are removed, and that they will want extensive proof if they were to order a change of venue.

You have the proof, but ask your DDS consultants for letters explaining to the court her specific reactions, how they can be minimised - in her case, completely NC with cats - and their recommendations for her treatment.

Also agree with pp about cat hair etc. It's everywhere. I have a mostly black wardrobe and a white cat. Literally everything I own has pieces of the cat.

Did your ex move in with her, or did she and her dcat move in with him?

RandomMess · 04/04/2018 09:19

I adore my pets but asthma kills, you need to insist that DD does not go in the house. You hoover up and their fur is still around!

NorthernKnickers · 04/04/2018 09:19

I have a serious allergy to cats...it's the dander, which is everywhere that the cat has been, so removing it from the room/house is pointless! I've been in houses where cats have not lived for a few months, having passed away, and still had a reaction (not quite as severe, but still pretty bad!) My reaction is so severe that my eyes, within minutes, look like pieces of raw liver have grown over them...red 'jelly-like' swelling appears over my eyeballs and I want to pull them out, they burn so badly, I can't breath, my chest is tight, my nose and eyes are running and itching horrifically, I'm clammy, wheezy and coughing...and quite simply feel like I'm going to die. It's awful. And STILL, knowing this and seeing it, friends and relatives will say...we will put the cat outside if you come, when I turn down invitations to visit 🤔 They think I'm being rude...I think I'm being sensible.

You are definitely NOT BU! 💐

RandomMess · 04/04/2018 09:22

I have friends that can't come to my house due to my pets, he is being insane!!

Toffeelatteplease · 04/04/2018 09:23

"You cannot just stop sending her"

Actually you can you have a duty to safeguard your DD. If she is at significant risk of harm you must.

Applying to court is one option. Applying to SS is another. The OP has medical evidence of the risk so personally I wouldn't bother.

Personally I would stop contact at that house, stopping direct contact if necessary, offer mediation (contact mediation). If he kicks up a stink and threatens court, I respond that court is a massive overreaction for a problem that's so easily resolved, but if he wants to that's his choice.

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 09:30

Are you also a solicitor Toffeelatte, like the poster who advised the OP to apply for a variation?

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